(Chapter Eight)
The family made light conversation as they waited to board the plane, but they were easily distracted by watching Dee Dee and wondering what her thoughts were. Anna wanted to go to her, but it had been obvious to everyone that she was quite agitated and seemed to prefer to be alone.
With her arms crossed, Dee Dee watched the planes arrive and depart and found herself wanting to board one of the planes and go off to be alone. She didn't care where she went as long as she could be away from those who currently had their attention focused on her. She caught a quick glimpse of them watching her and her stomach twisted in knots. Annoyed, she kept her arms folded and rest the side of her head against the huge glass wall and looked back to the planes. "Why do they keep watching me? Are they waiting for me to pass out again? Do they want me to scream? To break down in tears? What?"
A few moments later, the call for them to board came over the speaker and Rick went to walk Dee Dee over to the group. "Time to go." He said.
Aggravated,Dee Dee wanted to yell,"Well, that's obvious!", but remained quiet, only staring at him for a few seconds before walking away from him and toward the others.
When all had boarded the plane, Dee Dee was in the window seat, her mother next to her and Rick next to her mother. Evelyn and Neil were in the seats across from them and Charlie and Mark in those behind her. She felt various mixed emotions, which had not been unusual for her in the past few days. One that took hold as she sat on the plane, was relief that Rick wouldn't be sitting next to her, but at the same time she felt somewhat angry at herself for feeling this way. She couldn't control how she felt about him from one minute to the next and it troubled her.
For the first few hours, everyone in the group entertained themselves with lighthearted conversation, reading, solving crossword puzzles or search-a-word books. Dee Dee tried to focus on a crossword puzzle, but gave up after she realized she was making no progress and chose to listen to some music. When the first meal came, she took a few bites to satisfy her mother who pleaded with her. The more she thought about it, she knew it was also to provide nourishment to the baby she may be carrying. She hated the idea of neglecting her child, but also felt she'd be better off if there was no baby. All she had to do was to take the pregnancy test or call the doctor from the hospital, but she was still afraid to find out the answer, no matter what it may be. When she finished eating, she placed the earphones back into her ears. Within an hour, she'd fallen asleep.
Anna turned to Rick and whispered. "Thank God she's getting some rest. I had hoped that she wouldn't suffer through over fifteen hours of flight-time with no sleep."
"I'm glad, too." Rick wanted to ask Anna a question, but wasn't sure if he should as he may be making a big deal of nothing, but he went ahead with it, whispering to be sure that Dee Dee couldn't hear. "Has she said anything to you about being upset with me for some reason?"
"No, she hasn't."
"She seems really cold toward me... barely talking to me. She doesn't even seem to want to look at me, and pulls away when I hug her."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Last night, I went to her room to talk to her. She didn't seem too happy that I was there." He hoped that Mark couldn't hear as he continued. "When Mark called, her mood seemed to lighten. It was just a little, but I could tell. She didn't seem to be in any hurry to finish our talk as she continued the one she was having with Mark. She told him that he wasn't disturbing her, though I was sitting right there waiting to talk to her. Granted, he deserved some time to speak with her, too, but I assumed that she would like to talk to me, her best friend who was sitting right there. I know that she feels a connection to him and I'm glad he's there for her, but I was hoping to be there for her, too."
"I guess I see your point." Anna replied.
"Do you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing?"
"I don't know, Rick. She's struggling right now and there's no telling how her emotions will change by the second. Maybe she feels that you've been there for her through so much that she doesn't want to burden you. I just don't know what else it could be."
"She's never a burden to me. Never."
"I know that, but the way her mental state is, she may not know that."
Rick exhaled stretched his arms. "I guess that could be it. Thanks for listening."
"Anytime." Anna smiled.
One by one, each member of the group found themselves drifting off to sleep to continue the remaining time of their fifteen hour flight.
In the parking deck, everyone made plans to meet at Anna's house the next day. They said their goodbyes and went to their own or rental cars.
Rick had never really given much thought to the appearance of his previous cars, but he was grateful to have been given a newer model recently. He felt better about escorting Dee Dee in a much nicer car at this time.
During the ride to Anna's house, Dee Dee sat quietly as she noticed a few changes around the city and neighborhoods since she'd last been there. Billboards of various attractions were reminders of things that were never to be, such as visiting Disneyland with AJ for the first time, spending a week at The Seaside Victorian Resort with Alex, and so much more. Time had run out. How could she have ever imagined that time would run out like this? That so many dreams would never come to life because of her family's death.
Rick carried the luggage into the house while Dee Dee tried to relax on the sofa and Anna checked on things inside the house. One of her friends had used her key to come inside and leave lasagna so they wouldn't have to worry about a meal.
When Rick was finished with the luggage, he sat with Dee Dee.
"I'm glad you got some sleep during the flight."
"Yeah. I guess I needed it." Dee Dee replied.
"What do you need me to do tomorrow?"
Dee Dee shrugged. "I don't know. I'll call if I need you."
(If she needs me.) Rick nodded. "Okay." He saw Anna enter the room. "I'll leave you two to get some rest." He gently pulled Dee Dee into his arms. "I'll see you sometime tomorrow."
Dee Dee was hesitant, but allowed herself to show a moment of affection by returning the hug, but only for a second. Rick felt the tension and released his hold on her and stood to meet Anna. He put his arms around her as she, showing the opposite reaction as her daughter, settled into his arms and allowed some tension to escape. After a few moments, they pulled apart and Anna thanked him for watching out for them.
After Rick left, Anna sat in the loveseat across from the sofa where her daughter was sitting. "Would you like some lasagna or something to drink?"
"Not, really."
"Well, maybe you should go to bed and get some sleep."
Dee Dee pulled off her shoes and put her feet up. She looked at her mother who was obviously worn out, but she needed to talk to her. "Mom, I need to talk to you about something."
"Sure, honey. What is it?" Anna wondered if she'd tell her why she seemed upset with Rick, or at least if she'd express more emotion about her life. She seemed to be holding a lot in.
"If you'd been through what I have and you found out you were pregnant, would you want to keep the baby?"
Anna moved to the edge of her seat. "Dee Dee, are you pregnant?"
Dee Dee let her head fall against the back of the sofa. "I don't know for sure, but I might be."
"Sweetheart, you need to see a doctor to find out for sure."
Dee Dee sighed. "You're not answering my question."
Anna realized that Dee Dee was right, but her concern for her daughter and possible second grandchild was top priority. "I know, and I'm sorry, but I was just taken by surprise. I want you to be healthy. I want the baby to be healthy."
Dee Dee nodded. "I understand that, but I want to know what you'd do."
"They say you don't know unless you've lived it, but I feel that I'd want to keep my baby, no matter what."
Dee Dee raised her heard, her eyes welled with tears. "I hate myself for feeling this way, but I don't think I'm capable of caring for a baby, now. I don't know if I'd even want to try to take care of one." Tears began to trail down her cheeks. "Alex and I were planning to have a second child. Now he's gone...AJ's gone. I'm supposed to have a family, but I don't. Not anymore. I just want to run to...wherever and not look back. It's not fair that I'll have to raise a baby on my own when he or she was supposed to have a father and an older brother, too."
Anna was surprised and a bit frightened at hearing her daughter speak this way. "You wouldn't hurt yourself or the baby, would you?"
Dee Dee hesitated and exhaled sharply before answering, which frightened Anna even more.
"There are times when I don't think I can go on living, that I wish I could sleep and not wake up and have the hurt be over, but I wouldn't intentionally take my own life. I could never intentionally hurt my child, either. I could never have an abortion."
Anna was grateful to hear the answers, though her worries were still there. She moved to the sofa asked Dee Dee to sit up. She then sat down and Dee Dee lay down with her head on her mother's lap. "I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. I just know that I'm worried about you and I want to help if I can."
"When I passed out at the hospital, they ran tests...one being a pregnancy test. I told them I didn't want to the know the results." Dee Dee wiped a tear.
"Why?"
"Because...if I'm pregnant, I'm not prepared to take care of a baby. If I'm not pregnant, I don't know if I can handle the disappointment of not ever having a part of AJ and Alex, again."
Anna stroked her daughter's hair. She was unsure of the right words to say, but would make an attempt. "I know it's painful, but you need to find out for sure. You haven't had much rest and you haven't been eating well. If there is a baby, you need to take better care of yourself."
"That's one more reason that I hate myself right now." Dee Dee sat up. "I can't stand the idea of hurting my baby, but at the same time I really don't care about eating or sleeping. I just don't care. I hate myself! I hate that I may be hurting my baby!" She broke down in tears as Anna pulled her close.
"Listen, Dee Dee. If you go ahead and find out, then you may be able to feel better about yourself one way or the other. You really need an answer."
Dee Dee pursed her lips and slowly nodded in agreement. "Okay. I'll take the test in the morning."
"Good." Anna hugged Dee Dee tightly. She wanted to question her about why she seemed to be upset with Rick, but knew that this was not the time to bring up the topic.
After very little sleep, Dee Dee woke up dreading the outcome of the pregnancy test she'd be taking in a few minutes. Either way, she felt she'd be dealt a losing hand. Anna heard her stirring around and got up to greet her.
"Good morning. Did you get any sleep?"
"Not really."
"Did you take the test?"
"I just did. It'll be a few minutes."
"Why don't we go down for some coffee while we wait." Anna suggested.
Dee Dee nodded and followed her mother downstairs. They went over a few plans for the day as the clock ticked away the minutes until the results. After a few minutes, Dee Dee told her mother it was time to check the test. Anna followed her daughter back upstairs and stood in the hall watching Dee Dee's facial expression. It gave no hint of what the answer was.
"What does it say?"
Without any change of expression, Dee Dee shook her head. "I'm not pregnant."
(Continued...)