(Chapter Twenty-Four)
"Mark?"
"Hm?" He replied, continuing to stroke Dee Dee's hand.
"Why does my mom have to be so cruel to me? She's never understood my choices in life; my career, my marriage to Steve; granted, I was young; quite a bit younger than he was, but we were truly in love. I just don't understand how the things I've done can be so horrible in her eyes."
"Maybe it's because she sees a lot of strength in you that she wishes she had within herself. She may not have felt brave enough to take on the things she could have had, and she takes it out on you."
"I suppose it's possible, but it isn't fair."
"No, it isn't."
"Remember that I told you how she'd gotten pregnant with me before she and my dad were married?"
"Yeah."
"I often think that has a lot to do with how she feels about me; she thinks I screwed up the plans she had for her life. It's not my fault because I sure as hell didn't plan my own conception."
Mark chuckled. "Though you are remarkably talented, I don't think you could pull that off, either. Obviously I don't know Anna as well as you do, but you may be right. She's not the first mother to feel that way, and sadly, she won't be the last. If this is how she truly feels, I can't stand knowing that the anger from her own choices is directed toward you and that she criticizes you so harshly for those that you make."
"Thanks." Dee Dee answered with a sigh as she made herself comfortable on the floor beside Mark. "It's really hard to take, but I guess that's just how it'll be with us. Some people think that if you grow up with a lot of money, you have an easy life; that you have it made in every way. It's impossible for money to love and support you the way any good parent should. I know that for a fact." She expelled a sigh of frustration as she let her head rest against the side of the bed like Mark. "You know, I never liked being an only child and I always envied my cousins and friends who have siblings. They always had someone to talk to, even if they did argue on occasion. That's all a part of it, and I wouldn't have minded it. I used to ask my parents why I was an only child, and they'd say 'You were enough to handle', and that hurt my feelings as I got older. When my dad would say it, he'd at least attempt to say it in a joking manner. My mom would always say it with a tone in her voice that told me that she meant it, and that it's because of something I've done. Sometimes she'd try to laugh it off and say that she was kidding, but it wasn't funny to me. I asked if they could have more children and chose not to, and they said 'yes'…that more children would take up more time from their already very busy lives. I've always thought that was very selfish of them, considering they really didn't raise me. Surely they could have handled pushing two or three kids toward the nanny and babysitters just as they did with one." She scoffed. "At least I wouldn't have been so lonely while they were away so much."
"I'm so sorry that it's been that way for you."
"Thanks. You know, I never wanted just one child. There's just something about knowing that your child will be alone to suffer through life's issues that truly bothers me. It's not just for the child, at least in my mind. I've always loved the idea of having at least two children. It was just the 'mom' feeling in me, I guess. I wanted AJ to have a sibling, whether biological or adopted. I wanted him to have a special connection with someone other than his parents, plus I think every child needs more than their parents to confide in when it comes to certain issues." Dee Dee forced the words past the lump in her throat. "I hated the idea of him losing his parents and being alone. I never would have dreamed things would turn out this way."
"I can understand what you mean about siblings. I can't imagine not having mine, and I wouldn't want to have just one child, either and I hope I'd be blessed with at least two. I've heard people say that they don't think they can love more than one child. I don't think I'll ever understand that. It's like they've already chosen a favorite child when they only have one or even before they have the one; as if there's no doubt in their mind that if a second child came along, they'd put it aside because they already have a child they love. I guess a second child of an unplanned pregnancy would be left out in the cold." Mark shook his head. "I just couldn't do it."
Dee Dee shook her head. "I don't get that, either. To each his own, I guess, but it's never been me. You were lucky to grow up with loving siblings and great parents who could handle wealth and loving their children."
"Yes, I really was. But you know, even if you and your mom are never any closer than you are now, you can take comfort in knowing that you didn't give in to all of her wishes or you wouldn't be the person you are today. Yes, you're having a very hard time, but you're still fighting. I don't know if you'd be strong enough to fight if your mom had control of your life."
"Thank you. I think you're absolutely right, too." Dee Dee felt more tension easing from her body. "You know, I love talking with you. You're always so honest, but never critical or condescending."
"I'm glad. I think it's best to be honest, but I always try to be careful of how I approach someone with that honesty as not everyone wants it. I learned right away that you wanted nothing less than for me to be straight-forward with you."
"I've always appreciated that, like I know you appreciate when I'm the same with you."
"Absolutely." Mark kissed her temple. "Do you think you'd like to get more work done today, or do you want try at another time?"
"It seems that if certain people would stop interrupting us, we'd get something done, but they can't stop themselves." She replied. "How about just you and I come over on Monday? I need a bit of a stress break."
"Sounds good to me. How would you feel if I hired professional movers to help pack up, and you won't even have to be there most of the time?"
"I'd like that very much. Thank you."
"I'll take care of it. Are you ready to go, now?"
"Yeah."
After Mark stood and extended his hand to help Dee Dee up from the floor, she look time to gently fold AJ's blanket and place it neatly on his bed.
"We'll get things in order." He said while escorting her from the rom. "I'll be with you through it all."
"I know you will."
Mark had hoped that talking with Dee Dee at her house would have helped it. It seemed that it had, but after returning to their suite, she wasn't up to watching movies, talking or even eating. She went to bed and when he checked on her, she was lying on her side, asleep with her baby's bear clutched to her chest. She had gone quite some time without clinging to the toy out of despair, but now, she needed to have its comfort again. He slowly pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and gently kissed her temple before leaving her to rest.
The next day, Rick and Anna met for lunch at restaurant near his hotel.
"What are you planning to do?" Anna questioned.
"I really don't know. At this point, maybe it's best that I don't go by plans. They don't seem to be working."
"Mine have failed, too." Anna exhaled sharply. "I've been thinking of going home in a couple of days or so."
"I've thought the same. I don't want to go, but I don't know what else to do at this time." Rick took a sip of his lemonade and let his chin rest on his folded hands. "Maybe if I did leave her alone for a while, she'll come back to us on her own. I don't want her to feel pressured, but at the same time, I'm starting to lose my patience. I've never known her to be in such a state. I don't know what to do outside of an intervention."
Two days had come and gone, and Dee Dee hadn't had any contact with her mother or Rick. Neither she nor Mark had even run into Anna at the hotel, though Mark did call to check on her twice within those two days. He'd gotten Dee Dee to start eating again, and even coaxed a few giggles from her.
"I thought we might go out for a bit, but it's supposed to rain all day. Are you interested in staying in and watching movies?"
"Sure." Dee Dee answered as she drew her legs up on the sofa. "Today's one of those days to stay inside, keep on your pajamas and either watch movies, listen to music, or sleep."
"I think I can manage all three." Mark smiled. "We'll start off with a movie."
"Okay. We can watch out here on the sofa so you can give me a foot massage." Dee Dee raised her brow.
"Excuse me?" Mark cocked his head to one side. "You mean so we can give each other foot massages. I'm not getting cheated out of mine this time."
Dee Dee giggled. "Alright. I'll be nice this time."
When the first film was over, Dee Dee went into the kitchen to gather more snacks.
"I'll get it!" Mark called to Dee Dee as he heard someone at the door. "Anna. Rick." Surprised to see the two, Mark knew the unscheduled visit probably wouldn't go very well. "Come in."
"Thank you." The two replied. Both took note of the sofa; a pillow at each end and a warm blanket that indicated to them that Mark and Dee Dee had been cozily sharing the space.
The three greeted each other warmly as Mark asked them to have a seat.
Dee Dee's mother also noted that Mark was in a pair of lounging pants and a t-shirt. She knew that it was his hotel suite as much as it was her daughters, and that he had a right to wear what he pleased, but she wondered why he was in what could be sleepwear in the middle of the day. She didn't question him; only took a seat on the loveseat beside Rick who had also noticed the man's attire. "We want to talk to Dee Dee. Is she here?" Anna asked.
"Yes, she's…" Before he could finish, Dee Dee entered the room.
Anna noticed that the shorts for the pale yellow pajama set were shorter than she expected to see her daughter wear in front of Mark. Rick was also taken by surprise, but kept his thoughts to himself.
"What are you two doing here?" Dee Dee crinkled her brow. "Mom, I don't feel like arguing with you again."
"I'm not here to argue. I plan to leave in a couple of days and I just want to tell you a few things. Maybe it'll help us both."
"Yeah, whatever." Dee Dee crossed her arms and shook her head in annoyance. "Rick, I've told you over and over that I don't want to see you. Why do you keep coming after me?"
"Because I'm not one to give up, especially not on you. If you'll just give me a few minutes to speak my peace; just give me a chance to say what's in my heart, and I'll leave you alone for good, if you still want that. I swear."
"Fine." Dee Dee huffed and tried to make herself comfortable on the sofa beside Mark. "You know, Mark has been trying to get me to talk to you; to make sure that I'm truly done with you before we continue on with our relationship. I guess now is a good time to get it over with. The both of you just say what you need to say, okay? I'm just too tired to fight."
Anna, taking note of the obvious tension building from her daughter, cleared her throat to begin her explanation. "I'm leaving the day after tomorrow."
"I see." Dee Dee answered quietly.
"I want to clear the air before I leave, because I don't know when we'll see each other again."
Mark stood to excuse himself and let them all speak privately, but all three told him it wasn't necessary; that he should hear what was to be said.
Anna continued. "I realize that I've done more to hurt you than to help you, and that we just can't see eye-to-eye on certain things."
"You're right." Dee Dee tensed up even more. "I've really tried, but nothing I do ever pleases you. It's always been that way."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is, mom. You know it is." Dee Dee stood and folded her arms across her chest. "I don't think we're the type of mother and daughter to ever be best friends, and we'll have to live with that. It's okay. That's just how it is."
"You do know that I love you, right?"
Dee Dee hesitated and thought of how she felt. "I…I think you do love me, but…not as much as you could. You don't love me with all your heart and soul, the way I loved my baby."
Mark saw the tears welling in Dee Dee's eyes and wanted to wrap his arms around her, but felt that she needed to continue on without anything that may cause her to stop talking.
"Sweetheart, I do love you."
"I know, but like I said, it's just not with your whole heart and soul. I can't do anything to change it, so I'll live with it. I love you; mom, but you just don't understand me. You never will, and for whatever reason that makes you feel the way you do about me, is something that only you may ever know."
"I'm sorry that I haven't been a great mother. I guess I should have asked someone to help me with that."
Dee Dee shook her head as a single tear fell. "You can't be taught how to be a great mother because no two women or children are alike. You just love your children; let them know that they matter, that you care, and that you're interested in their lives; make an effort to put yourself second and your children first." Two more tears fell from her eyes. "If you blame me for screwing up your life, you shouldn't. You can't be angry at me for your becoming pregnant before you were married. It's not fair."
"I never blamed you. I'm sorry that you felt that way." Anna replied solemnly. "I know I said that I didn't come here to upset you, but I have to be honest about something that I've held in for years. Maybe it'll help you understand why I behave the way I do at times.
Feeling more and more like he was intruding, Mark once again suggested that he leave, but Anna told him that she'd like for him to stay. "Dee Dee may need you here while I say what I have to."
Dee Dee nodded. "She's right. You never know what she'll say next, and I don't know how much more I can take. Besides, apparently she wants Rick to hear it and he's here to support her, so why shouldn't you be here for me?" She sat beside Mark again as Rick uncomfortably shifted his weight at hearing the comment.
"This won't be easy for either of us, but I have to say it." Anna added. "You deserve to know."
"Alright. What is it?" Dee Dee asked in aggravation.
Anna couldn't believe that she was finally about to express how she truly felt about her daughter, but pushed herself to do so, knowing that the decision could pull them even further apart. "I really didn't want to be a mom when I found out I was pregnant with you. Your dad and I were still young and wanted to continue to tour the world, to vacation at the drop of a hat; just to live as freely as we chose to. We weren't even ready to get married, though we knew we would someday. When we found out I was pregnant…we talked of…an abortion."
Mark looked on in disbelief as he felt Dee Dee take his hand in hers as her heart sank. Knowing how hard she prayed for a baby, how she prayed for him or her to be born healthy; it ripped through her core to know that her little boy was over after begging God to spare him, but that her parents considered ending her life before she was born. A chill ran down her spine. "You were always honest with me about getting married because you were pregnant, but this…well, I've always wondered if you thought that way, and now I have my answer."
Rick knew that Anna was going to tell Dee Dee something about her life, but he never expected to hear this particular news. He saw the pain in Dee Dee's eyes and wanted to console her, but knew it was best to remain as he was.
"We knew we couldn't live with ourselves if we had followed through, as it was us who created a child and we would be taking its life. When you were born; so beautiful, perfect and precious, we both cried with guilt. We were truly ashamed for thinking of not seeing the pregnancy through. I went into a deep depression for several weeks. It was hard for me to be around you, so I let others care for you. When you were about five weeks old, I finally came out of my depression and could take you into my arms and tell you how much I wanted and loved you just like your father had been doing since day one. Your father and I did love you so very much, but we just didn't know how to be parents and we really didn't try to learn how, especially since we always had a nanny or a sitter to look after you. It may sound selfish, but we thought they were taking better care of you. As you grew older, I felt that I owed it to you to try and handle things in your life that I didn't think you could handle. I wasn't trying to be cruel, I just thought you were making bad decisions and needed someone to correct you." Anna lowered her head. "I wasn't around enough to truly get to know the real you; your aspirations for your adult life. When I'd learn of them and how different they were from mine and your father's, I didn't know how to take it. I felt that you were rebelling against us, but you were just being who you were. You weren't hurting yourself or anyone else, but it just didn't suit me so I wanted to change you into something you weren't meant to be." She looked at her daughter. "I worried that you'd have a baby before you were ready and I didn't want you to feel about your child the way I felt about you in the beginning. When you were pregnant, it was plain to see that you were overjoyed with knowing you'd be a mom. I think I was jealous…no, I know I was jealous of that. I was also jealous of how confident you were with every decision you'd make. I'd never been that way, and it was odd for me to see that my child was a stronger person than I was, when I, as the parent was supposed to help build her strength. When you decided to become a police officer, it did hurt us. We wanted so much more for you because you had the opportunity to attend the best universities, to travel, to meet all sorts of interesting and successful people, to marry a wealthy man who would take care of you."
"It wasn't about you. It was about me. And it sure wasn't about the money." Dee Dee retorted. "I didn't want to lead the country club life. I wanted to get out and help people. I wanted to make a difference, even if it did mean risking my life. It's what I had to do, just like you had to run off and leave your child alone while you vacationed in various parts of the world."
"I deserve that." Anna burst into tears. "We failed. I'm still failing, but please believe me when I say that I want you to be happy. Your father and I lived our lives, and I want you to live yours, too. Whatever you want to do…do it. Our time on earth is limited and we should live every second of it." She expelled a ragged sigh and wiped her tears. "I know that you're a very strong woman, very strong-willed and determined, and I often wish that I had the same characteristics. I guess that was one of my problems with not being a great mother; not a strong enough will when I needed it. Regardless of what you may think of me, you're my baby, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm proud of you and I do love you. That'll never change, no matter what. After losing AJ, I tried to imagine myself losing you so tragically as a child and as an adult. It ripped my heart to shreds, and I can't begin to fathom how it is for you. For you to live through it; no, I never gave you enough credit for being so strong. When you married Steven, I thought you were far too young to be a wife, and that he was too old to be your husband, but ten years seems like a big gap when your daughter is only nineteen and dating a twenty-nine year old man. I felt that you rushed yourself into marrying Alex. I always thought that you should have taken time to work things out with Rick, and when you didn't, I felt that you were making a mistake."
"Weren't these all my mistakes to make and to learn from?"
"Yes, and I'm sorry."
With her eyes cast downward, Dee Dee tightened her grip around Mark's hand as an assortment of emotions clashed in an attempt to expel themselves simultaneously. "Thank you for finally being honest about everything." She looked up at her mother. "It hurt like hell to hear it, but at least I know how you've felt about me all my life. I do believe that you love me." Her eyes glistened with tears as they began to fall. "I just wish we could have had the relationship I always fantasized about. It just wasn't meant to be, but it could have been worse."
"How do you mean?" Anna questioned.
"There are kids out there right now who are being physically abused by their parents. Some of them won't even survive the night, and it'll be at the hands of their parents."
"Oh, sweetheart. We could never have done something so horrible to you."
"I know." Dee Dee replied solemnly. "It just crossed my mind for a second. When you hear that your parents didn't want you, thoughts like that tend to pop up."
"I know it's a lot to absorb, but since we seemed to be drifting further apart, I felt that if I was honest with you and with myself, maybe we could somehow find a way to use the truth to grow closer. If not, at least you'll know that I'm no longer keeping it from you."
"At least I know that you don't hate me like I always thought you did." Dee Dee tears increased. "It's going to take a while for me to get used to all of this information, but maybe some good will come of it."
"I hope so." Anna replied as she hugged her daughter. "I really do."
Rick and Mark made eye contact; both feeling content to know that the two women had just opened a new chapter in their lives together that may help Dee Dee be rid of some of her anguish.
Dee Dee tried to make herself comfortable at her post beside Mark, but found it hard to manage as she grew angered at knowing that she now had to listen to Rick. "What do you have to say? Whatever it is, make it quick."
The spotlight had been put on Rick, but he wasn't about to act. He was about to speak directly from his heart and hope that Dee Dee would soak up every single word and emotion given.
Rick sat on the edge of the loveseat and looked directly into Dee Dee's eyes. "I'm here to be straight with you. You need a serious reality check and I'm going to give it to you. I don't care what you do or say, you're not going to stop me. I'm tired of this shit and I'm putting an end to it."
(Continued...)