(Chapter Twenty-seven)

"No, sweetheart. It wasn't your fault in any way." Anna replied in a consoling tone. "It was a horrible accident."

"It was a horrible accident that wouldn't have happened, if I had done what I was supposed to do."

"What do you mean by that?" Rick cautiously questioned her.

Dee Dee looked to Mark who gave her a nod of encouragement. "Rick, you didn't force me to leave LA. No one did. After the way things turned out, I felt I should leave and try to get over you. Even if we didn't end up together, I probably could have divorced Alex and lived with my baby in California or in any other state. I was afraid of a custody battle…fearful of losing, so I didn't even try fighting. That's why it's my fault. I screwed up and my baby suffered for it." She felt the guilt growing every second. "I often think of how I was able to help Jaeden when he needed someone, but no one saved my baby, not even his own mother. I love Jaeden so much, and I'm glad I was there for him, but I just wish my baby had been as lucky. He called AJ his little cousin and I wanted them to be close like real cousins, but that's not to be, so I let both of my boys down."

"I'm sorry, Dee Dee." Rick replied softly. "You shouldn't feel that way. You…"

"Please, just let me talk. That's what you wanted, isn't it?" She sighed in frustration. "We all know that I didn't love Alex as much as I should have, so I shouldn't have been with him. Even when things were better between us, we still weren't truly happy together. I always loved you more and he knew it. In a way, I was being unfaithful to him because I was always thinking of you. That's probably another reason that I was punished by losing my baby." She paused for a moment as the guilt continued to increase. "Since Alex knew how I felt about you, I was afraid that he could somehow use that against me in the custody hearing, so that helped to keep me from pursuing the divorce. Just before the accident, I thought I was pregnant, but after getting back to LA, I found out that I wasn't. I told mom that I didn't think I could handle being pregnant, let alone take care of a baby, and I didn't know what to do about it. Seeing that the test was negative, I had multiple emotions all at once because I wanted a part of AJ with me, but I felt it wouldn't be fair to the baby for me to want him or her because I missed AJ. I was angry at the thought of having a part of Alex living on in the baby, after what he'd done to me. He'd taken AJ from me forever. How would I have felt about my second child? I was afraid that I may not love him as I felt so much anger toward Alex." A lump formed in her throat and Mark handed her the water that Anna brought earlier. After a few sips, she handed the glass back to him and continued. "During all of that, I could have really used you to lean on; to have you to talk to about how I felt at that time, but you weren't there."

"Dee Dee, I…" Rick started to speak.

"No. Don't say anything. I've started and I'm not stopping. You wanted to know the truth; you're getting it. Now I'm going to tell you something else that's bothered me." She sighed and felt Mark's arms wrap a little tighter around her waist, causing her to lose some of the tension. "I felt that you've never really been there for me until after the fact, you know? This may all sound ridiculous to you, but it's how I've been feeling and it really turned into something huge after the accident."

Rick tensed up with piqued curiosity.

"Every time something tragic happens to me, you're never there until the worst has happened and I always have to relive it by telling you the details. You weren't there to protect me from Mariano, or Lassiter, when I was shot and paralyzed; you weren't even there when I found out that my dad had died, when I was miserable with Alex; just so many times. When it came to Alex, I'd call you in hopes of talking, but I'd get sidetracked by another topic you'd start and never get to what I needed to say. Your calls to me started to dwindle, so I figured you didn't care to talk to me. You just weren't there for me, but I have to blame myself. It wasn't meant for you to be every place at every moment to take care of me. I made the mistake of depending far too much on you. I went too far with the oath we took to protect one another and to die for one another on the job. I unintentionally tried to incorporate that into our lives away from the force, so when things got too tough for me, I wanted you there with me. When I saw the accident, I didn't know what to do. I needed you there to help me, but it wasn't meant to be." She entwined her fingers with Mark's. "So many times that you weren't there, but the worst of it all was when I saw AJ and Alex…that truck hitting them…and…" Her voice began to tremble as tears began to stream down her cheeks. "I saw it. I heard it. I..felt it. It was…sickening. I was living a nightmare. Mark was there from the beginning. He saw…he saw it all. I started running…trying to get to Alex's SUV…Mark knew I shouldn't see them…he grabbed me by my waist…stopped me. He stayed with me. He was there when…when they wheeled them past me. Alex was already…gone. He drove me to the hospital and stayed the entire time. He was with me when…they told me about AJ. He knew what was happening with me from the start. He knew, but you didn't. Just like before. You weren't there…when I needed you."

Rick took in a gulp of air as his eyes watered. Seeing Dee Dee in such pain was taking a toll on him. He started to speak in an effort to console her, but the look in her eyes told him to remain quiet as she continued.

She gently pulled herself up from Mark's supporting form and stood. "When you and I worked together, we made a vow to protect and to die for one another in the line of duty, but I obviously expected something like that when we weren't on duty. I shouldn't have. There was nothing that stated that you had to be there for me at my every command. It wasn't fair to you that I felt like you should be. Still…I was so angry at you for not being there for me at the first moment of the most horrific times of my life, but deep down, I knew it wasn't intended. I knew deep down inside that it just couldn't be helped. I just lost it for a while…went off into my own selfish world. I guess I was pretty much going out of my mind and I started thinking this way and going over the past to blame you for everything that I couldn't handle on my own." She nervously rubbed the palm of her left hand with her right thumb as she paced the floor. "You did what you could when you could, just like I know that you weren't at the restaurant because you couldn't be. You weren't even in London, so how could you have been there any sooner than you were? All of my pent up anxiety was focused on you because people lash out at those they're closest too when they're suffering. I felt guilty for trying to have Alex believe that I actually loved him with all my heart, when we both knew it wasn't true. I think he wanted to make it work after his promise to me, but we still knew things could have been better. Oh, I know he did love me, and I loved him, but we also knew that my feelings for you were always present and he didn't really trust me. I couldn't stand the fact my own faults, so I pushed my anger onto you. I chose every tiny bit of anything I felt that you did wrong, and I blew it all far, far out of proportion. I was wrong for that and I'm ashamed of myself for it and for so many other things. Rick, I owe you a huge apology for my behavior." She expelled a large gasp as her knees grew weak as the reality of her confessions set in. "I'm sorry for how I've treated you, and I can …admit the truth about a lot of things, now. I'm to blame…for my baby being gone. No one…but me. Oh, my God…my baby." She covered her face with her hands. "He's gone! I'm his mother…supposed to protect him…to die for him! I let him down! He's gone because of me!"

Anna watched with her heart racing, tearing streaming down her cheeks as she watched her daughter finally expel the feelings that kept her in so much pain. "Sweetheart, please don't say that."

"It's true, mom! It is!"

Rick was hesitant as he was unsure of her reaction, but found himself trying to offer some comfort. "No, Dee Dee. It isn't."

"Then whose is it?! Who do I blame, then?! Please tell me! Someone please tell me!" She helplessly looked around the room for someone to give her an answer, but none came. "I blamed the driver who let Alex pull out in front of him, I blamed the driver of the truck that hit them, I blamed you, and I blamed Alex! But I'm the one! We wouldn't have been there at all that day if not for me! It was me! It'll always be me!" She was obviously becoming unsteady on her feet as she grew more agitated.

Mark stood beside her to lead her to the sofa and felt the full weight of her body fall against him as her legs gave out before getting to the sofa. He gently eased down to the floor with her in his arms. "It's not your fault, and I've told you that from the start. Remember how we talked about not being able to control everything? Horrible things happen, though we may never know why." He stroked her hair as she sobbed. "You thought you were taking care of yourself and AJ, so you did what you felt was right. The accident took their lives. You didn't. None of this is your fault, okay?"

"Yes, it is. I was wrong…to blame Rick and…Alex. I couldn't…take the responsibility. I didn't want to. I had…to blame…someone else." Dee Dee heaved a sigh and pulled herself closer to Mark. "I failed my baby. I'm sorry…AJ. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please don't hate me for what I did to you. I love you. I love my baby, Mark. I love him so much, and it hurts far too much that he's not here."

"I know, sweetheart. I know."

"Will he ever forgive me?"

"Your precious baby never held any anger against you. He adored you and there's nothing to forgive. Though he's not with you, you have to believe that he's very happy."

Dee Dee nodded. "I try to believe that he's happy, but it's so hard. I keep seeing him being wheeled past me. I keep seeing him in the hospital and then at…the funeral. It's so hard."

"I know, but you also have to believe that you couldn't have saved him, and that you have to stop blaming yourself.

With tears streaming from their eyes, Anna and Rick felt that they needed to be at Dee Dee's side and moved to sit on the floor with her and Mark.

Though she kept her grip tightly around Mark's neck and her face hidden against his chest, she didn't flinch at the gentle touches on her back from her mother and Rick. The two remained quiet for a moment while Mark whispered words of encouragement into her ear; shedding his own tears in the process. "I'm so proud of you. You've come so far and I hope you realize how strong you really are. You have people here who love you and who want to help you through all of this, but it's up to you to accept it or not."

"He's right, sweetheart." Anna added. "I'm so very proud of you, too. I want to do whatever you need for me to do in order to help you through this."

Once again, Rick was slow to offer his support out of fear of rejection, but he had to try. "Listen, Dee Dee. I want you to understand that I'm not angry with you about how you felt about me. I never was. I only wanted to understand why you felt that way so I could try to help. I still want to help you, and I hope you'll let me. If you choose not to, I'll accept it because it's what you want. I don't want to do anything to hurt you."

Dee Dee heaved a sigh. "I have suffered so much. I just want it all to stop."

Anna dabbed her eyes. "We'll do what we can to help make it stop."

"Yes, we will." Rick said. "Whatever you need, just tell us."

Mark continued to stroke her back. "I told you they wouldn't be angry at you or blame you for anything. They love you and want you to be happy."

Dee Dee nodded and slowly raised her head to look at Mark. "I want to be happy. I want it so badly."

"It'll happen." He replied as he gently wiped her tears with a tissue.

"You'll survive this, Dee Dee. Rick stated. "You're gonna be alright."

(Continued...)