Do you still know how stupid it would be it Dynasty Warriors was actually realistic?
Being a woman of power
In the Empires world, a young woman/little girl sits on the golden throne with a court filled of only men.
"My next order of business is to have Xu Shu marry me. And Cao Pi. And Lu Xun. And Jiang Wei. And Wen Yang. And-*insert every pretty man that exists*."
"Um... We're not poly-"
"Do as I say! BITCH!"
"Ahem..." Jia Xu raises his hand and the young woman/little girl yells out,"Who let this ugly thing in?!"
"Excuse me, I think it is who let YOU in here..." He takes out a pair of glasses and puts it on while reading a booklet. "Last time 200 A.D. happened, women were not allowed to have power over anything. And we're not polygamist." The young woman/little girl makes nervous expression as the men in her court begin to look at her with displeased looks. Jia Xu adds,"Also, 'Yuki Hakama' is not Chinese. Neither is 'Megan'. And this name you gave another woman in the army, which we will deal with later, is named 'Huang Xue'."
"So?"
"Huang Xue means 'yellow snow'."
Children wives
Zhou Yu is walking with Xiao Qiao when suddenly Zhu Ran pops out from a bush and aims his bow at Zhou Yu. He is wearing a police uniform while wearing a fake mustache.
"Staaap right there, molester!"
"I am not molesting anyone."
"Bulls*bleep*!" Zhu Ran unleashes a giant barrage of arrows at Zhou Yu, making him eventually fall down covered in arrows. Sun Ce walks by with Da Qiao and he politely greets him.
"Hello, Zhu Ran."
"Good day to you, sir." Zhu Ran then looks at the arrow-covered Zhou Yu and says with disgust in his voice,"You are a sick bastard..." Sun Ce agrees blindly,"Yeah! He should be in jail! Let's go, my dear." He happily walks with Da Qiao while Zhu Ran is kicking Zhou Yu's body. He eventually stops and shows Xiao Qiao a doll.
"Now show me where he touched you."
Attractive Gods are Attractive
*Warriors Orochi universe*
Nu Wa walks by soldiers and they stare at her with droll coming out their mouths.
"I really want to bang her..."
"Is it legal to bang a god?" Fu Xi appears next to them and says,"You people are saying you want to bang your creator?"
"Sorry! Uhh... Yes...?"
"Nu Wa's indirectly all of you's mother."
"Wait, what?!"
"BLARRRRRRGH!111"They all turn green and puke loudly.
Characters that are supposedly 'old'
*That hypothetical DW8 stage where Sima Yi got the rest of his screentime from*
Sima Yi knocks away several soldiers working for Zhong Hui and a text box under him has Zhang Chunhua tell him,"Are you sure you're alright, my lord? Remember, you're not as young as you used to be." The text box is about to disappear, but Sima Yi grabs it and holds it in place.
"Excuse me?" He is talking to Zhang Chunhua through the text box with her face on the left. "What about me is not young? HELLOOOOOO? What exactly is not young about me? Don't make that face at me! Change it to a normal face, not an angry one!"
"Nothing-I mean..."
"Maybe it's YOU that's not as young as you used to be. Because you clearly have awful eyesight."
"All right, you don't need to be a dick about it."
"No,no! What exactly is making you say that I 'am not as young as I used to be'?"
"I made a mistake, okay? I'm sorry I failed to notice your vampire youthfulness and clearly good sense of hearing." She reaches out of her spot and makes Sima Yi let go of the text box, letting it disappear.
"Aw, just walk away..." said Sima Yi dryly. A lone soldier is standing a few feet from him is staring.
"What are you looking at?" said Sima Yi coldly to the lone soldier.
"Nothing...! I'm gonna go!" He quickly runs off.
OC/Mary Sue fanfiction
Liu Bei sits in a desk with his hands folded in front of him as Fa Zheng and Zhuge Liang approach him.
"Sir, people are dying. There are is a shortage of rations and we don't know what to do about it."
"We've even started to kill Snowballs 8 to 40 in order to feed everyone. Ma Chao is planning to rebel against us for doing that."
"Yes..." Liu Bei starts to talk in a hoarse voice, "Yes... The state is dying and we have only one hope..."
"No, please... Don't."
"We need..."
"Liu Bei, please! You're going to make things worse if you call one of those things!"
"...Meghan." The two break down to the ground and begin to yell out exasperatedly.
"NOOOOOOO!"
Somewhere, the camera slowly pans to show off people dying and the land dried up. Dust blows small tornadoes and tumbleweeds bounce along the dry lands. A boot steps on one and the camera pans up to show a young woman/little girl in revealing armor making a serious face looking off. She suddenly turns to the camera and makes a peace sign pose while sticking out her tongue playfully.
"Yut-da!" The camera pans down for you to see Xu Shu chained to her leg with writing on his forehead that read "This girl's hubby".
The scene quickly switches back to Zhuge Liang and Fa Zheng sobbing at the floor.
"What kind of name is Meghan...?"
"Why does she look like a Roman sounding like the people over on that tiny island* over there...? I don't get this!"
"Hey, at least Xu Shu's gone."
"Yeah."
*Japan
Romancing Pt.2
Cai Wenji is meeting with Guo Jia in Ambition Mode. "I have... one small request. Could you come to my chambers later on?"
"Whoo! Sex scene! I mean... Of course!"
*Few minutes later*
Guo Jia is painting a coat on a wall with a disappointed face.
"This isn't what I had in mind..." He finds a note on his paint can that read: "You didn't get your sex scene, so you can have..." Xu Chu breaks down the wall Guo Jia was painting on,"THE BIG GAY DANCE!"
"No! Get out of here!" Guo Jia whacks Xu Chu away with his paintbrush, but Xu Chu still has the techno music playing and is dancing to it, much to Guo Jia's dismay.
DW intros Pt.3
*DW8 intro*
The sun slowly turns into Zhou Yu looking off at the large fleet of ships before him. Zhuge Liang walks next to him and fans a giant gust of wind. Fire arrows are then released to be guided by the big winds and Zhao Yun runs past Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang. They made nervous faces and and yell at Zhao Yun,"What are you doing?! Stop!" Zhao Yun jumps into the direction of the wind tunnel thing.
"Doh! Ow! Agrh! Oah! Oughgh!" He gets hit with multiple fire arrows and is set on fire. Zhou Yu yells at him,"You were not supposed to be a human pincushion! The plan is ruined! Your stupid general will doom us!" Zhuge Liang says dryly while fanning himself,"He was never very bright..." Zhao Yun's body is carried by the strong winds and his burning body flies towards Yue Jin standing on a ship.
"What the hell-Warrgh!" He is hit with the body and from afar, the Wei ships start to become covered in flames. Zhuge Liang changes his demeanor and makes a thumbs up gesture while smiling.
"Mission accomplished! That was part of my plan!" Zhou Yu sighs and turns away to walk off muttering,"Sure it was..."
Pots
Xiahou Ba is covered in bruises and is runs with a limp while whining,"Arrrgh... I can't find a pot anywhere! Ahuahuahahu!" The bottom left of him shows his health bar in the red. He continues running and finally sees a pot in the distance.
"Yes! Thank the gods!" He runs towards the pot in excitement and when he is about to reach it, a green-clad person with pointed ears and blonde hair runs past him to break the pot before him with a loud yelp.
"Ha!"
The green clothed person picks up the chicken health item and holds it up above his head with triumphant music playing for him for a few seconds. A blue text box appears under him.
You got: Fully Cooked Cucoo!
Xiahou Ba breaks down in tears and falls onto the ground in despair. The green person looks at him confused and walks off with the chicken.
Yaoi fanfiction/doujin
Two mannequins with brown ponytail wigs are in a suggestive sex position that are clearly being controlled by strings. Both were in stereotypical Japanese school outfits. The strings make the mannequins act like they are having sex. The camera pans up to reveal two people with Koei written on their shirts with the wooden handles the strings are connected to. One of them asks to the other,"Are you sure this will work?"
"Phht, it will earn us the same amount the money if we actually used the real people. You're good with Photoshop, right? And let's be realistic here! Jiang Wei and Zhong Hui making out and doing butt stuff in a Japanese school locker room while in Japanese school clothes! Hahahahaha..." He sighs and his voice turns serious. "No wonder China hates Japan..."
Yuri fanfiction/doujins
The same Koei worker chuckles lightly and then starts to laugh loudly.
"PHHHHT! KAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT? Okay, that might make some money... Hahaha!"
Heterosexual fanfiction/doujins
"KAHAHAHAHA! PPPPPPHHHHHHHHT-WHAT? What's that? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
(Almost) Infinite Storage
Guan Yinping drags a giant sack of low-grade weapons with one nice special unique weapon sticking out behind her up the steps of a castle.
"Sooo... heaaaavy...!" She reaches the top of the castle and heads over to the edge slowly. Once she finally reaches it, she takes the wrong step and drops the sack, letting it crash into through the top level of the castle. She winces at the large hole and the people that got crushed along with it. The K.O. counter to her right makes dinging noises as it increases.
K.O. Counter: 345 - 500
Grinding
Xiahou Dun cuts through soldiers and gets to a box. He breaks it open and gets a pouch of gold.
Victory!
"Alright, I can now upgrade-"
You need 78 more Material and 789 Gold to upgrade the Teahouse.
"Fine."
*Sixty skirmish battles later*
Xiahou Dun groans loudly as he weakly reaches for a bag of material and collapses onto the ground. His arm does pick it up and the victory music plays.
Victory!
"Yes... Finally..."
You need 1 more Material to-
"F*bleep* this s*bleep*!" Xiahou Dun throws the material onto the ground angrily and storms off.
Romancing Pt. 3/Weird ages
"That's it! I'm done! I am never talking to anyone again!" Guo Jia is about to storm out of the city, but a message appears above him.
Zhang-
"Nope."
-Chunhua has requested your presense. Will you go?
"Oh. A little better I guess... Oh well, they say third time's the charm."
Guo Jia skips through Zhang Chunhua's dialogue boxes quickly and then says,"Do I get my sex scene now?"
"You can have something even better. You can have..."
"Oh no... Not the big gay dance..."
But it wasn't the big gay dance. Out of a bush next to them, Zhu Ran pops out and aims his bow at Guo Jia yelling,"Staap right there, molester!"
"Molester?! This is a grown woman and I'm not even touching her!"
"Not according to her documents! She's fourteen! And with you being already a registered sex offender, you can add pedophillia to your list of crimes!"
"I was only talking-"
"BULLSH*BLEEP*!" Zhu Ran unleashes his arrows onto Guo Jia fiercely. He falls down onto the ground and Zhu Ran goes over to him.
"That'll teach you to molest little girls!" Sima Yi walks by and stops near the situation.
"Come along now, Chunhua. I don't think you'd want to be exposed to this violence. Though you commit plenty of violence yourself. Good day to you, officer." Zhu Ran happily greets him back and returns to being angry at Guo Jia.
*Bonus scene*
Guo Jia weakly sits up and yells to Zhu Ran while pointing at Sima Yi,"Take him! He's the molester here! He's the one married to the fourteen year-old!"
"Bulls*bleep*!" Zhu Ran quickly turns around and begins to shoot at Sima Yi, who was already running away, but still gets hit and is mowed down by the arrows.