His head felt light, almost empty. His hand moved to put the cell down – down it was, then. He couldn't really tell the difference. Everything was so fluffy and weightless, as if it would fly away in a second.
Fade away.

"Jamie?" Sydney's voice broke urgently in the fluffiness, and Jamie shuddered. "Hey." It was the first thing popping into his clouded mind, and as he heard the voice he knew it was a mistake. It was two thirty at night, and she had just been sleeping in his arms when… when the phone rang…

"What's wrong?" Sydney crawled out of bed and took her fiancé's face in her hands. Irritated, Jamie blinked, trying to avoid her sorrowful eyes. He knew what she wanted from him but he couldn't… he couldn't admit it. Not now, not anytime, it just couldn't be.
"Let me go" he murmured, "please, Syd, just let go." He needed the weightlessness back. He needed to fly again…
Fade away.

"Jamie!" The young woman's hands trembled on his skin, as was her voice. Sydney had been a part of this family long enough. There had more than once been moments of fear, painfully long hours of hoping, praying, crying with helplessness when things got out of control at the streets of New York. The idea of marrying into a police family had been thrilling at first, but very soon Sydney had realized how draining and tough it was in every way – and how lucky she could call herself that Jamie had chosen a less dangerous path. The thought of being called in the middle of the night to hear that her love would never come home still made her stomach turn to ice.
Jamie just looked as if that was happening to him.

Fade away. But it didn't.
Jamie kept blinking the thought away but it was too late, it had already crept in, cold as ice in his stomach and hot as fever behind his forehead. He felt sick.
It couldn't be real.
But he had thought that before, and it had been real. Jamie bit his lips as his eyes started to burn with tears. He needed to get out, fresh air, out of the nightmare, back into his life, into his good life –
Fade away.

"Someone's dead." There was no question in Sydney's voice. She was not one for carefully testing the waters, she analyzed it from outside and then jumped right in.
"Jamie!"

If he said another word he'd have to confirm it. The heat in his head became unbearable, and Jamie found it difficult to breathe as tears, unable to fall, stuck in his throat.

Yes, someone was dead. It was ridiculous and impossible and tearing him apart, but… yes.

"Joe." Jamie shied away from his own voice, too loud and strong in his ears. Sydney's hands dropped from his face. She cried, and out of instinct he wrapped his arms around her and rocked her, but he didn't really feel anything. He wanted to murmur something reassuring but his lips wouldn't move, as if the last word had sealed them.

Joe was dead. He had been shot in the back, twice, and bled to death in a lonely cold alley.
He was dead. Like mom.
Jamie would talk to him but he wouldn't see Joe and Joe wouldn't answer because he was dead. Dead. Deaddeaddeaddeaddead.

Jamie repeated the word in his mind until it lost its meaning and Sydney had no tears left to cry. She looked up at him, not surprised that his eyes were red but dry. "I'm so sorry" she whispered and kissed him, and as their lips touched Jamie's arms dropped. He felt light again, light and weak and cold.
"I've… I need to…"
"I know." Sydney nodded hurriedly, gently stroking his face. "Do want me to drive you right now?"

The phone rang again, and both stared at it in horror. As Jamie started shivering Sydney grabbed for it, avoiding to read the name of the caller.
"Hello?"
"Ja… Sydney?" Sydney bit her lip not to cry out in relief. Danny.
"It's me, Danny."
"I need to talk to him, Syd, please. Plea-"
"Of course. He's here with me. We just heard." Inhaling sharply Sydney gave her fiancé the cell. More even than Jamie's shocked grief it was Danny's pleading, broken voice that confirmed the reality of this nightmare.
Joseph Connor Reagan was dead.

Jamie closed his eyes, his fingernails dug into his palms.
"Hey."
"Hey, kid. Hey." Danny was sobbing. Desperate for distraction, Jamie found himself picturing his big brother crying. He couldn't remember the last time it had happened – well, apart from their mom's death.
Now Joe was dead, too.
"Joe's dead." Danny's voice had sunken to a whisper.
"I know." The words echoed heavily in Jamie's head, and suddenly he felt tired.

For minutes neither of the brothers spoke nor hang up. Then Jamie couldn't hold back the question anymore: "Why?"
Danny laughed sobbingly. "I don't know, Jamie. I don't know. He's gone. He was… I told him never to walk alone, I told him to be careful. I wanted to…"
"It's not your fault, Danny." Jamie's head felt heavier with every second. He wanted to sleep, and wake up tomorrow in a world where his brother – his brother! One of the greatest people on earth, the man he had grown up with, who was so big a part of Jamie's life that he had no idea how to get on without him – was not dead.

Danny swallowed. "Looking after you is my job. And I failed. And now Joe's dead!"
"But not because of you." An edge of frustration picked into the overwhelming grief as Jamie realized that once again he had to be the voice of reason. How was he supposed to be anyone without Joe at his side?

"Listen to me, Danny. It was not your fault." The world blurred with drowsiness. If Danny didn't hang up soon Jamie would fall asleep right in the conversation.
Fade away…

Danny sighed. "So you don't… alright. When will you be here?"
Jamie looked at the beautiful woman next to him. Sydney looked tired, too, and her cheeks were lined with dried tears.
"We'll come tomorrow. Tell dad and Erin and…" He gasped and hit stop right as tears violently made their way out of his eyes and mouth, almost suffocating him.
Sydney followed him into the bathroom and held him as bile joined tears and Jamie broke down, shaking.
"Why Joe, Syd? He… he couldn't… it doesn't make any sense, you know?"
"I know" she said, losing the fight against the tears more than once. "I know."
"It doesn't make sense."