It was Friday – a few days after JJ's slip-up on the plane – and the team finally had a few days to themselves.
JJ was alone in her large house, quietly contemplating the past few months of her life.
She had bought the house upon returning from her time in Afghanistan; desiring to have a place to call home…especially a place with several bedrooms to fill someday.
That had been her plan: one way or another, she had been ready to start her family.
Afghanistan had changed her in many ways, but perhaps the most significant change had come from something that was completely unrelated to Afghanistan:
JJ had discovered, while sitting on a dusty examination table in the middle of the desert, that she was pregnant.
The news had come as a complete shock; she had not been trying to get pregnant. A family wasn't even on her radar at the time, especially since her career was really taking off.
Furthermore, the man who had gotten her pregnant was no longer in her life.
She remembered the feeling that had started deep in the pit of her stomach and risen, like a burning flame, straight through her throat and out her mouth as she finally said the words out loud: "I'm pregnant."
Monteo Cruz had been very supportive and congratulatory, not bothering to ask about the father, which JJ was thankful for.
But now, as the memories of her past began to play out in her mind like a cinematic feature, her thoughts turned to the father…
Shortly before JJ was assigned her backstop by Erin Strauss, she had been seeing a young man named Thomas who worked as an EMT in the city.
She had met Thomas at the coffee shop she frequented close to the BAU and had immediately been struck by his dazzling eyes and charming smile.
He was tall and toned, with thick dark hair that somehow always looked unkempt in the most perfect of ways.
The color of his eyes matched his hair, and he had always worn a slight scruff that suited his handsome features.
JJ had often caught herself captivated by his dark eyes, largely due to the striking resemblance they bore to Emily, who carried the same dark – yet soulful – eyes.
JJ remembered being surprised at how easily she came to love Thomas… how right it had felt with him at times. He had a job that kept him busy as well, and the constant ups and downs of her schedule didn't bother him like it had bothered every man in her past.
When they began sleeping together, JJ had not been surprised that the younger man was the best she'd ever had.
They had spent several great months' together, laughing often and sharing their dreams.
Although she had tried to hide it from herself – hoping the feeling would go away – JJ had always felt something was missing in her relationship with Thomas. He was wonderful and treated her better than she deserved, but she never felt at home in his arms.
JJ's re-assignment had eventually proved too much for Thomas to handle. The secrets and lies had torn them apart, and although it was sad, JJ had known for a while that they were heading in very different directions.
The break-up had been right.
JJ was thankful for her time with Thomas and knew she would always love him as a person. She was happy for the memories they shared and wouldn't change a thing.
Discovering she was pregnant had come so far out of left-field for JJ that her confusion was all she could focus on at first.
She had been feeling sick and slightly weak for a few days and remembered assuming it was as simple as the constant travel between Virginia and Afghanistan. Several men on the base had been feeling sick for days before JJ started experiencing symptoms.
JJ had entered the medical tent hoping for some antacids and maybe a bit of rest. There had been no part of her that even considered the possibility of pregnancy. She and Thomas hadn't spoken in weeks, and they had always been so careful when they were together.
Although, as JJ had sat on the table trying desperately to process the news, a flickering memory of a night filled with a bit too much wine and slightly irresponsible decisions flashed across her mind.
Her initial thought – after finally accepting the news and saying it out loud to Cruz - had been that Thomas would be mad or upset with her. JJ felt an immediate flash of fear when imagining flying home and revealing the news to the man she hadn't spoken to in weeks.
But she knew, however shocking the news might be, that Thomas would handle it like a man.
They would figure it out together.
Unfortunately, they never got the chance…
After discovering her pregnancy, JJ was immediately called back to Quantico by Hotch, and the constant stress of the hours spent searching for her best friend had surely not been good for JJ's unborn child.
Furthermore, attending Emily's funeral – knowing her to be alive - and lying to her closest friends had not been a walk in the park either.
When she'd accompanied Emily on the jet to Paris, JJ had considered telling her about the pregnancy then, but something about the timing just hadn't seemed right.
After speaking with Emily on the jet, JJ made up her mind - before returning to Afghanistan - that she would take Emily's advice and make it her personal mission to find the mole in her company. Her plan was then to resign from her position in order to return to Virginia.
She hadn't gotten much farther than that basic plan, but she'd had enough time to determine that she wanted to keep her child.
Now JJ sometimes found herself wishing she hadn't come to that decision.
The short time between finding out about her pregnancy and the ambush in Afghanistan had been filled with stress, sleepless nights, and hardly any time to herself.
Had she waited to make her decision about keeping the baby, she thought, maybe losing it wouldn't have affected her as much as it did.
Losing her child had changed JJ in an unspeakable way. There was no difference on the outside, but inside, a part of her died – both literally and figuratively.
It wasn't until after the miscarriage that JJ realized how badly she wanted a family to call her own.
Afghanistan had shown her that. Afghanistan had changed her forever…
The chiming of the clock as it struck 10 o'clock brought JJ abruptly back to the present.
Her cheek felt wet and she slowly reached up to wipe it off, noticing that a single tear had escaped her eye while lost in her memories.
The surfacing of painful memories had entranced JJ, and she now heard a voice far off in the back of her mind… and yet so clear that Michael Hastings could have been standing right beside her, whispering in her ear:
"We can make another one."
JJ could feel his hands slowly caressing her whole body, despite the fact that she was desperately alone.
She stood frozen in her kitchen, unsure of what move to make next. The memories that were flooding her mind were proving too much to handle.
She was terrified, and the audacity of that realization hit her like a slap across the face.
She was afraid when there was nothing at all to be afraid of. How stupid was that? she thought.
JJ was certain that whatever move she made next would be wrong, and she suddenly noticed that she could not stop shaking.
"Calm down Jennifer," She whispered to herself, trying to push her pain down while realizing she was quickly approaching a panic attack.
She was finding it more and more difficult to be alone – and the stubbornness that kept her walls standing tall was beginning to falter.
She decided to head to the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face, hoping the contact would snap her out of this sudden hell.
After running the cool water over her face a few times, JJ leaned against the sink and looked in the bathroom mirror.
She hardly recognized the woman looking back.
There were deep purple circles under her eyes – evidence of her lack of sleep - and she was thinner than she had ever been before. She looked exhausted, but even more so, she looked helpless. Like so many of the victims JJ had dealt with in the past, she had a look of hopelessness on her face that somehow translated to her entire body.
Something about her reflection hit a chord deep inside JJ, and for the first time since Hastings, she could see the intense physical affect the incident was having on her body.
And she knew – although she had always known – that she desperately needed help.