Chapter 6 – Ghost of Days Gone By

Do you feel the same for what once remained?

Yesterday is gone, we can't go back again

Do you hear the cry for the ghost of days gone by?

I'm no stranger to pain. I'll admit that in my thirty-five years I've grown quite accustomed to the sensation – not physical, per se, but emotional. I'd like to tell myself that I have a high tolerance for it, but I know this to be false. It seems like mostly I've brought it on myself. There's so many things about my life that I've not mentioned, and really would like not to. But I suppose, with this journal being a release for what I've contained within me for so many years, I should lay it out now.

I'm not proud of some of my decisions in life. Many were, to put it bluntly, stupid and led to nothing but heartache. My resentment toward my parents is one of the many.

…

"Alice," he whispered with a sniffle.

"D-daddy?" My voice trembled.

I hadn't heard my father's voice in over twenty years.

"We…" He whimpered. "We love you so much…" He let out another soft sob. I could hear him shuffle whatever he was speaking into, extreme fear palpable in his shaking, baritone voice.

I remained silent as tears welled in my eyes. I pulled up the tape recorder and held it closer to me, eyes never leaving it.

"Something happened to your mother…And something bad is going to happen to me too. I have to tell you.." He sniffed. "You remember when we first moved into the city? Of course you do…I know how that affected you." For a moment he went silent. Only the heavy, quivering breath alerted me that he was even still there.

"I knew about you and the Victoriano children…Oh God…Baby, listen. I did something stupid,…and now I'm gonna have to pay for it." The sobs grew louder, more intense. "I set that barn on fire. Me and some of the others."

Tears streamed down my face as he broke down. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know you'll never forgive me." His breathing quickened. I could just sense his utter panic. He continued to say he was sorry in a quiet mantra until there was nothing but silence.

I had reached my limit.

Falling to my knees, I clutched the tape recorder close with shaking hands and wept bitterly. Memories came flooding back of the day when I was told that my parents had been killed in a car accident so long ago. Scorched until they were unrecognizable as even human. They were finally identified after they had been missing for almost a year.

I arrived home at 5 'o clock from detention and immediately retreated to my room, as usual. Since moving in with my grandparents after my parents' disappearances, it had become a common occurrence. Around this time in my life at the age of fifteen, I was quite rebellious. This usually resulted in many days spent in detention due to fallouts with teachers or other students. Particularly those who made fun of me for coming from a poor family. My grandparents constantly chided me for it. They wanted better for my sake, but I chose to ignore their pleas.

I was met with a knock on the door. No word spoken after. No "Ali, we need to talk to you," or "dinner is ready." Just silence.

For a moment, I nearly didn't answer. I hoped that they would stay on the other side, away from the comfortable solitude of my room. Where bad things didn't happen. Where I could still imagine that Mama and Daddy were out there alive and well. They would come back and say, "We're sorry that we scared you! We left on a trip and weren't able to tell anybody for the past eleven and a half months! But we're back, and we love you so much!" I wanted whoever was on the other side of that door to leave me.

To allow me to live in blissful ignorance.

The door opened. It was my grandfather. His eyes were red and puffy, and from that I knew that he had been crying. "Ali…," he said softly. He couldn't even finish.

And he didn't have to, I knew... They were gone. They left me.

I was sitting on the end of my un-made bed, staring right in front of me at nothing in particular. My fingers fiddled with a corner of the sheets. "How?" I whispered.

He sniffed. "They think it was a car accident…It just took them a while to figure out– never mind. You're too young for this." He looked at his feet.

But I would have none of it. "Why?"

"Alice, please– "

"WHY?"

He couldn't even look up at me. He let out a shaky sigh. "When they found them,…they were unrecognizable. Burned…charred…Their car just…exploded." His bottom lip quivered.

I didn't even respond...I couldn't even cry.

We stayed that way for I don't know how long. I could hear his occasional sniffle, however I knew that he was trying to be strong for me. Neither of us spoke a word, nor looked at the other. He never left, but never approached me.

Finally, after about thirty minutes I stood up and calmly walked to the bathroom across the hall, brushing past him as I moved through the doorway of my room. I slammed the door behind me. Inside, I sat on the edge of the tub and continued to stare just like I had before. Not really thinking, just allowing myself to sink deeper and deeper until I could no longer take it. Though I knew this was inevitable, it didn't help ease the crushing weight. The unbearable hopelessness.

Suddenly, I cried like I never had before, screaming in pure devastation. Everything shattered. I remained this way until I collapsed onto the linoleum floor. For four hours after that, I didn't come out.

When I finally did, I packed my bags and left out the window of my room – at the time, never planning to return to my grandparent's home.

My mind was spinning. Memories and thoughts blended together, each indistinguishable from the other. Sanity was replaced by overwhelming guilt, as if I were the one responsible. As if I could have, and should have, done something to stop it.

I had always wondered. I denied it repeatedly – based it all on coincidence – but in the back of my mind I knew. The day after the fire we just left, leaving everything we owned behind as if it never mattered. As if everything my father had ever worked for meant nothing. Now I knew for certain. My father was one of the many people responsible for turning my former best friend into a monster. If not for his actions, he – no, we – could have lived our lives in peace and happiness.

I hated him.

With a bitter scream, I raised the tape recorder high above me and smashed it into the ground, repeatedly slamming it until I was left with nothing but broken shards. The tiny red light that emitted from it gave a brief flicker before finally dying. I dropped what remained of the crushed box.

Broken.

I raised a shaky hand to my quivering lips as aggrieved sobs escaped them.

As I opened my eyes, there at my feet sat a sunflower – perfectly intact, as if just plucked from the stem, the bright yellow was such a stark contrast to this dark world. I gingerly picked it up and observed it as if I had never seen such a beautiful flower in my entire life. Nostalgia and thoughts of happier days filled me. A few tears escaped my eyes, trailing down my dirty cheeks. There's only one person who could have done this.

Ruben.

My eyes drifted upwards, and there he was in the doorway. Glowing silver eyes observed my distressed state in an almost calm, yet obviously displeased manner. For once, the anger that usually shone through his eyes was subdued; instead they appeared hollowed, almost void of any emotion at all.

I slowly rose to my feet. Neither of us spoke a word. His pale gray irises never left mine, gazing deeply as if reading my mind.

And, for once, I approached him.

He stayed perfectly still, demeanor, though still reserved and stiff, slightly softened. With tender, unsure steps, I stood merely a few inches away. But no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't bear to meet his gaze. Instead, I chose to look down at my blood and dirt covered shoes – tears slowly trailed down my nose and dripped onto the once white tops. Rough, calloused fingers reached under my chin, lifting my head to meet his. I let out a slight gasp at his touch, firm yet gentle.

My lips parted. We stared into each other's eyes for a few fleeting moments.

I found myself slowly reaching out my hand towards his face. Hesitantly, I paused, waiting to see if he would object; he only continued to stare back just as before. With gentle fingers, I traced over the remaining unmarred skin, cold as death. I knew with the severity of his scars that he wasn't able to feel my touch. Warm tears, once again, welled in my eyes. I swallowed the lump in my throat, fighting to not break down in front of him. A shaky breath escaped my lips.

"I…I didn't know," I breathed.

At first, he remained silent – contemplative. "I know," he replied.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Does it hurt?"

"I no longer feel anything."

I shook my head, face contorting as I could no longer hold back the emotions I tried to suppress. "I should have…I should done something," I quietly said through tears.

"All that matters is that you and I are together again, and nothing can ever take you away from me."

I blinked.

He lowered his hand from my chin. His other reached to firmly grab the wrist of mine that still lingered upon his cheek. Blackened fingers traveled down to my own, wrapping themselves through in a tight embrace. After a moment of surprise, I found myself relaxing into the hold. Our hands fit together as if they belonged with no other – just as they always had.

I probably should have fought to get away, but I succumbed to his will. Truth be told, I didn't even want to fight it; I wanted his company. Side by side, he began leading me through the doorway.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"You'll see soon enough," he replied over his shoulder with the faintest hint of a smile.

Before my eyes, our surroundings shifted into an entire field of bright golden sunflowers. The sky was cloaked in shades of a yellow and purple sunset, the sun peeking just from beyond the horizon. A slight breeze stirred the tall stalks, causing their leaves and petals to dance in a gentle sway. Rustling was the only sound to be heard. For a moment, the familiarity took me away from the heartache I had just experienced.

I looked to my right, but Ruben was no longer with me. I spun around in a panic.

"Ruben," I called. Silence was my only answer.

I gently pushed the stalks aside, the leaves tickling my bare arms and face, and walked, knowing that if I just kept going I would soon reach the end. Then, to my surprise, I stumbled across a familiar sight – the old, wooden barn. It sat perfectly just as it had those seventeen years ago. Like an old friend, it greeted me, inviting me to walk inside.

How can this be..?

Dirt and gravel crunched under my feet as I stepped up to the doors. I cracked one open to peer inside, and found the sound of children's voices.

"Tag, you're it!"

"That's not fair!"

"You can't catch me!"

Squealing and giggling danced through the barn, and for a moment a small smile formed at my lips. I fully opened the door and stepped in. My eyes widened as I saw the three spectral forms that ran all around. One was of a young boy, face lit up with a grin as he chased a young girl. He was tall for his age and well dressed, seeming completely out of place in this ratty building.

"Ruben," I whispered.

The young girl laughed happily as she ran away from him, long braided pigtails flying behind her. Her little frilly dress was slightly frayed at the edges. Suddenly, the boy came up from behind and tagged her.

"Aww." She pouted.

"Is that…?"

"Got you, Ali!" Ruben cried with a triumphant smirk.

Sure enough, the young girl turned around revealing chubby, freckled cheeks bearing a huge grin with a few missing teeth. Her hair was beginning to come loose from its braids, several strands hung in her face. Though she panted from exhaustion, she never dropped her smile.

"Let's play again!" the six year-old version of me cried.

Meanwhile, I stood with mouth agape at the sight of times that I thought had long since died in the blaze. My head shook in disbelief. "This can't be real."

"Let's play another game," a teenage girl replied with a sweet smile as she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear – trying to hide the fact that she was growing tired of tag. Her long, dark hair cascaded softly down to her hips, however it was now tousled from running. Her dress draped around her in a flattering fashion.

"Laura?" I whispered.

"Like what?" Little Ali asked innocently while she bounced on her heels in anticipation.

"How about hide and seek?" Laura suggested.

"Let's play that," Ruben said. (Knowing him, he agreed to it just because his sister had offered.)

"Yeah, I like hide and seek!" Ali added (just because Ruben had said he wanted to).

"Okay, but remember, we need to stay inside the barn. You two hide and I'll count," Laura instructed while she turned around and covered her eyes. "1..2..3.."

The two kids ran behind a hay bale at the opposite end of the barn. "Ali," Ruben whined in a harsh whisper, "You can't hide with me. You have to go somewhere else."

"I can hear you, Ruben," Laura called in a sing-song voice. "10…11…12…"

Ali gasped, eyes growing wide in panic. She looked all around and quickly shuffled toward another hay bale close by. A tiny giggle erupted from behind.

"Ali, I can hear you too," Laura announced with a giggle of her own. "27…28…29…30. Ready or not, here I come!" She appeared to nonchalantly walk around, hands behind her back with her head tilted upwards. Her lips curled in a mischievous smile. "Hmm…Where, oh, where could those two be?" she sighed playfully. Her direction suddenly shifted towards the area where Ali hid. "I wonder…" She slowly prowled up to the hay bale. "Gotcha!" she cried as she pounced to peek on the other side.

"Oh no!" Ali said as she was spotted. She frowned in disappointment.

Laura leaned in close to her left ear. "Now you've got to help me find Ruben."

Ali's attitude shifted to yet another gigantic, beaming smile. She eagerly nodded and rose to run to the spot that she had last seen Ruben in. To her dismay, he wasn't there. She bit her lip in confusion and began looking all over the barn to find him.

Meanwhile, I grinned as I spotted little Ruben climbing the ladder to the upper floor of the barn. He stealthily slipped behind a pile of hay in the left corner. It always made me mad how good at hide and seek he was.

"He's not down here, Laura," Ali announced as she checked the last possible spot.

Laura looked to the upper section and spotted the giant pile. She smiled and motioned for Ali to come over to her. She leaned in close and whispered, "Do you see that pile of hay up there?"

Ali nodded.

"Go up there and check it. I'll help you climb up the ladder."

Ali walked up to the ladder and began to climb, Laura following close behind to make sure she stayed safe. Once she reached the top, she eagerly ran up to the hay. "Found you, Ruben!" she cried.

He poked his head out from behind. "Hm."

"Okay, you two, time to come down," Laura said as she held her arms open to help Ali.

Ali feebly and slowly made her way down with unsure steps. Laura remained right at her side, holding her to keep her steady. On the final rung, Ali hopped to the ground. Ruben followed closely behind.

"I think it's time that I return home. Ruben, you can stay if you would like, but make sure that you and Ali leave before dark," Laura reminded.

"Maybe I should go with you…," he replied.

"Can't you stay, Ruben? Just for a little bit longer?" Ali begged. She gave a tug on his sleeve.

He looked from Ali's pleading gaze to Laura's encouraging one as well and let out a sigh. "I guess for a short while longer – "

Ali cut him off and hugged him, head just barely reaching his shoulder (only because she stood on her tiptoes). He was momentarily set off-balance from the sudden impact. She let out a happy squeal. "Thank you! Thank you!"

Laura, with an equally happy grin, wrapped her arm around the boy and placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head. He gave a content smile at the act. She said her goodbyes to the two children and continued out the doors of the barn, completely vanishing through them.

Suddenly, Ruben – in his true, adult form – revealed himself to me yet again, standing on the other side of the barn. While our younger selves continued to play he slowly walked toward me, eyes filled with determination. My heart raced in my chest. Once he had approached, he took the same hand that he held before in his own – our bodies pressed close together.

Those silver eyes were slowly becoming less terrifying and for a moment, I found myself unable to look away. Their piercing stare mesmerized me; they were almost hypnotic.

"It's us." A smile formed at my lips. "Why did you show me this?"

"Why do you think?" His breath gently swept my lips as he spoke.

I removed my hand from his, causing him to furrow his brows – whether in confusion or displeasure I couldn't tell. But then, instead of turning away, I slowly wrapped my arms around him, burying my head into his cloaked shoulder. His breath caught in his throat. He remained still, hesitant. Obviously surprised by the act, his hands lingered at his sides before slowly and rigidly wrapping around me.

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to enjoy the moment of intimacy, though I knew I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have liked it. I shouldn't have wished to just stay this way and never return to the dark emotions I had momentarily pushed aside. But however much I wished that I could live in a fantasy, I knew that reality would rear its ugly head eventually.

And when it did, I wish that I had kept my mouth shut.

"Ruben,…do you know what happened to my parents?"

Time seemed to stand still. I felt him tense. His arms unwound themselves from around my waist and, once again, lowered to his sides. I raised my head up to look at him and found him scowling, staring beyond me as if I were no longer there. The corner of his lip twitched and he shoved me away from him. To my misfortune, I had struck a nerve.

"Ruben, why was my father's voice on that tape recorder?" I questioned harshly.

He walked toward the barn doors, and paused to look back over his shoulder. "They received what they deserved," he drawled, tone matching his irritated body language. Suddenly, he disappeared, and I was yet again left to my own devices.

"Ruben," I called out to him, the impact of his words finally hitting me. My green eyes widened, tears filling them once again. I stormed to the doors and threw them open in a fit of rage. "What did you do to them?!"

Why couldn't I have just allowed myself to be ignorant…?

A/N: Hey guys! So, thank all of y'all once again for all of the reviews, favorites, and follows! It was very encouraging to hear from y'all. :) It's convinced to keep the story going for now. (And I'm sorry to be that way, it's just everything is so crazy right now.) But I hope all of y'all have enjoyed this chapter! ^^ Yes, I am evil.