"I swear to God I will do this you little whore," he whispered roughly in JJ's ear.
They were on base in Afghanistan, the dry night air whipping through her hair. She knew Michael Hastings meant every word he said, and his tight grip on her arms was beginning to burn with pain.
He shook her hard, trying to illicit a response to his threats. Seizing her moment, JJ jammed her head forward, making contact with his forehead as hard as she could. Momentarily dazed and surprised, she took the opportunity to sprint away from him.
As she ran between the make-shift huts they called home, kicking up dirt behind her heels, she could hear him drawing nearer.
Suddenly, it was as if someone had sucked all the oxygen out of the air, and she found it impossible to breathe. Her legs were filled with lead and she knew he was going to catch her. She tried desperately to cry out… to no avail.
"JJ!" She heard the beautiful voice of Emily Prentiss calling to her from somewhere in the distance.
Whipping her head around frantically, she tried locating her source of salvation. She saw Emily nowhere, but Hastings was an arms-length away. She tried sucking in air as her heart stopped beating.
"JJ! JJ!"
Emily was closer now. She turned towards where she thought her voice was coming from, willing her body to push just a little farther.
But it was no use.
As his arms clamped tightly around her from behind, she let out a desperate, anguished cry: "EMILY!"
JJ shot up from her spot on the bed, nearly taking Emily's head off with her. Emily had been trying – gently – to wake her from her nightmare for the past 5 minutes.
She was drenched in a cold sweat and as pale as a ghost; shaking uncontrollably as Emily slowly placed her hand on the girl's back.
"You're safe sweetheart, you're safe now. I'm right here. I've got you," the brunette whispered, while using her free hand to run her fingers through the damp blonde hair.
"I'm going to be sick," JJ whimpered.
Emily climbed out of bed and grabbed the wastebasket, sitting down at JJ's side and continuing to rub her back.
"Take in deep breaths honey, just like before. You're safe now. It was just a dream, he can't hurt you anymore. He will never touch you again JJ. Never. You're safe."
JJ tried focusing on Emily's voice rather than the tumultuous waves of nausea rising from the knots in her stomach; willing her body to ignore the physical response to her nightmare… but it was no use. Pushing the wastebasket out of the way, JJ ran to the bathroom to get sick.
Emily rose from the bed to follow her friend, wishing with all of her might that she could take this away from her.
She held the blonde's hair and softly stroked her back while she got sick, holding back her own tears as she prayed this would end quickly. She couldn't stand seeing the people she loved in pain, but with JJ it was different; it was unbearable to see her like this.
The intense physical response to a dream only cemented Emily's fear of what Hastings had done to her friend, and she found her fingers curling tightly around the blonde strands in her hand as a heated anger rose up her neck.
The sound of JJ's tears snapped her out of her growing rage; she placed her hand on the blonde's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze as she continued getting sick.
"It's okay sweetheart, it's okay…"
Exhausted, the petite woman finally flushed the toilet and rose from the floor, slowly turning towards the sink to rinse her mouth and brush her teeth.
She was shaky on her feet, and Emily reached out to steady her.
Once her teeth had been brushed twice, JJ splashed cold water on her face before rinsing her mouth with a minty mouthwash.
Emily couldn't help noticing that this routine seemed sadly common.
The blonde turned to her then, a look of embarrassment and shame interrupting her gorgeous features.
"I'm so sorry Em," she said quietly.
"Nope, don't even go there JJ. Stop right now."
Her bottom lip began to quiver as she looked into Emily's eyes, fear apparent in every part of her bright blue ones.
"I need help Emily…" she whispered; small streams of tears beginning to spill down her cheeks.
Emily's heart broke in half for her friend, and she took a step forward to hold the girl. JJ wrapped her arms around Emily's neck with a relentless grip, as if her biggest fear was losing her.
Emily could smell the fresh mint on her breath as JJ exhaled against her neck. As much as she hated the pain her friend was in, she was lighting up from the way the blonde was reaching out and trusting her.
JJ was crying hard now, emptying the long-held dam she'd been building up for months on her friend's shoulder, and Emily stooped down to pick her up - one arm wrapped around her back and the other under her knees as the girl continued clinging to her.
As she carried her to the bed, Emily felt JJ's hot tears slide down her own neck and absorb into her shirt. By the time they reached the bed, the wet spot on Emily's shirt had grown and the blonde's warm breath against her damp skin had created yet another jolt of electric heat throughout her body.
Feeling desire threatening to overtake her, she carefully bent down and lowered JJ until her head rested gently against the pillow.
The brunette planned to stand and cover her friend with the thick quilt, but JJ would not relinquish her grip as she rose, causing Emily to lie down beside her.
Once she was on her back, the blonde settled on top of her, resting her head back on her shoulder.
They lay like that for a while, with JJ crying from her nightmare while her friend held her close, smelling her sweet scent, until the tears finally subsided and Emily cautiously whispered, "How often do your dreams make you sick JJ?"
The girl had expected the question, and she shifted slightly away from Emily before answering. "I don't know… not very often."
"Jennifer, come on…"
"Maybe three times a week?" She said defensively. "I don't keep track Emily." She said her friend's name with more of an edge than she'd intended. Glancing up and seeing the look on the brunette's face, she tried continuing in a gentler tone.
"It isn't a big deal Em, okay? I just have a weak stomach. I'll get over it"
Emily let out a sigh, realizing how quickly JJ had gone from admitting her need for help to covering up the reality of the situation.
"I know it's not okay…" JJ whispered softly after a moment; surprising Emily with her vulnerability.
"…but can we just not talk about it right now?"
The brunette pulled her friend into a tight hug before responding, "Of course Jay. We don't have to talk about it right now."
JJ smiled with thanks before turning on her side with her back towards the brunette, clearly inviting her friend to continue holding her.
Emily kept her right arm under the blonde's head and matched her form, pressing the length of her body against the back of JJ's. She then used her left arm to wrap around JJ's stomach, pulling them closer in the process. The blonde rested her arm on top of Emily's and grasped the brunette's slender hand, entwining their fingers.
Breathing in her sweet scent once again, Emily put no effort into calming the butterflies the blonde was creating in her stomach. She moved closer still, until the bodies of the two women were nearly one.
JJ closed her eyes and reveled in the closeness, tightening her grip on her friend's hand. The power Emily had over her was unreal, and she soaked in the calm, comfort and healing that the brunette was showering over her with every touch.
After a few moments of silence, Emily knew she had to speak. Blood was coursing through her veins from being wrapped so closely with her gorgeous friend, and she feared she was in danger of revealing her deep feelings for the girl.
Having made slight progress with her previous question – along with exponential progress during this night as a whole - Emily decided it was worth the risk to finally ask the question she viewed as most important. She had longed for answers for months now, and regardless of how JJ felt, she needed to talk about it. It was time.
She took a steadying breath to prepare herself before heading down what was sure to be a difficult road.
"JJ?" She whispered into the back of the girl's head.
JJ turned around so she could look into those deep brown eyes she loved so much. She smiled up at her friend as the brunette gently reached out and swept the hair out of JJ's eyes.
Emily took several moments to gather her courage, and the serious look in her eyes had fear rising in the blonde.
When she realized waiting wasn't helping, she finally opened her mouth and timidly asked, "Jay… what did he do to you..?" although she was unsure if she could handle the answer.
JJ's body immediately tensed up at the question and she dropped her eyes down, breaking the gaze.
Emily let out a quiet sigh, having assumed this would be the reaction she'd receive. She began rubbing her friend's arm soothingly as the blonde continued her refusal to make eye-contact.
"It's okay JJ…it's okay. You don't have to tell me."
JJ knew that Emily hadn't completely finished her statement, surely having left part of it out due to the blonde's already- difficult night. Her friend might have said, 'You don't have to tell me,' but the unspoken was, 'but you have to tell someone.'
JJ could hear it clearly in the silence that followed the brunette's words, and she knew her friend was right.
She had to tell someone, she had to get it out, because it was caged inside and destroying every part of her.
Little by little, her silence had been erasing pieces of who she was, replacing those pieces with a weak and scared girl who threw up from dreams and hid her pain from those who cared most.
It was time for a change.
She glanced up, finding the brown eyes filled with deep love and concern, and realized there was no one safer – or better – in the whole world to share her secrets with than the girl who'd already succeeded in breaking through her walls.
The decision to answer Emily's question required JJ to recall painful memories; memories she desperately wanted to forget. As the deep shame and guilt that came with those memories made its way to the surface, JJ swallowed hard and began. It was now or never.
Emily was surprised to hear JJ's soft voice, having resigned herself to the idea that the blonde would not be speaking anytime soon.
"He put his hands all over me," she whispered, pulling away from the brunette unconsciously.
"He touched me like I was his property… like I belonged to him. He touched me like it was the most natural thing in the world. And there was nothing I could do to stop him," She held back her tears, determined to stay strong.
"I couldn't do anything Em; I couldn't do one damn thing to stop his hands from touching me because I was tied up. Because I was weak from everything he'd already had done to me. And no matter what… I couldn't stop him."
Anger was rapidly replacing the softness of JJ's voice, and it was filling Emily's mind as well.
"Even if I could've stopped him though, I couldn't. I couldn't Emily. I had to take it, because Cruz would give away everything we'd worked so hard for if it meant keeping me safe. So I had to make him think I was okay… no matter what that animal did to me," she spat, staring up at the ceiling with a lethal hatred in her beautiful eyes.
"Sometimes I can still feel him on me," she continued, the words coming quickly now. "I hear his voice in my mind and feel his dirty hands tracing my stomach. No matter how much I shower, he is still on me. There is nothing I can do; I see him over and over and over again. His hands are always on me."
JJ sat up, the emotion growing in her voice as tears slowly slid down the tracks previously left on her cheeks.
"Did he…?" Emily began, but JJ was on a roll now, words spilling from her mouth as she finally told her story.
"I could smell his sick breath while he taunted Cruz with me – while he used me like I was some bargaining chip. Like my life meant nothing more than what I could get for him."
She had her hands clinched into tight fists, her knuckles turning whiter by the second.
"And, after everything," she continued through clenched teeth, "Cruz gave it away anyways. After all that we'd been through, he broke… he broke because of me. I was his Achilles heel; his kryptonite. And Hastings knew it. That sick bastard knew everything Emily."
Her voice quieted to a whisper with her last statement as she reached up and wiped the tears from her face.
Emily could tell the woman was gathering her courage, considering whether to reveal her deepest secrets or not. The brunette stayed completely silent, not wanting to interrupt or scare the girl from speaking.
"He knew everything," JJ repeated softly, hearing Hastings words in her ear as the ghost of his touch lingered on her stomach.
The sobs began to rise from deep inside as her darkest secret burned like acid in the back of her throat.
Pressing the sobs down with all of her might, she pushed the truth out while she still could:
"I was pregnant Emily," she sobbed, covering her face with her hands and taking in quick, shallow breaths.
"I was pregnant, and he knew!"
Emily sat up immediately, a sick feeling settling in the pit of her stomach as shock struck every part of her.
"I lost it… I lost my baby," the blonde confessed, pushing the words out through her sobs, "And he knew. I swear to God he knew before I did. All of it…everything. And that's how he got to me…that's how he really broke me, in the end. He knew my secrets – the things I kept hidden - and he used them against me."
The brunette could not fathom the news that her friend had been pregnant. Trying to swallow that pill - and the abundance of questions that came with it - along with her immense hatred for Michael Hastings was making her head spin.
She was abruptly snapped out of her thoughts as JJ brought her words to a close:
"He put his hands all over me," the blonde repeated, shuddering, "but I didn't let him have the power. I stayed strong." She swallowed hard before finishing, "But now… now I'm afraid he is always going to have power over me…even in his death. How is that possible?"
The shock persisted in Emily's bones as JJ fell silent, staring down at her hands, looking so small and afraid.
The brunette was completely unsure of how to proceed in the silence. No words seemed to suffice, and she slowly reached out towards the blonde, desiring more than anything to make her feel the love she had for her.
When her fingertips reached JJ's arm, the girl jumped and pulled away, clearly lost in her terrorizing thoughts of Hastings.
JJ had felt broken more times than she cared to admit since losing her baby, but now, sitting on her soft bed with her best friend frozen beside her, she felt more shattered than ever before.
She willed herself to look into Emily's deep brown eyes, hoping to apologize without words, but as their eyes met, JJ was overcome by that look again: that magical look that told her she was safe…she was loved…that she was going to be okay.
The look that had the power to change her feelings from hopelessness to abundant strength.
The look that had begun making her feel things she didn't quite understand; cloaking her in a warmth that only Emily could provide.
Emily. Her truest friend… her beautiful confidant… her unwavering shelter.
She wanted to speak her name out loud, to soak in the way it felt as it left her lips.
She suddenly felt like an unbelievable idiot for pulling away from the touch of her friend, losing herself in Emily's mesmerizing eyes as the desire to be touched rose inside her.
As if reading her mind, the brunette reached out once more, inviting JJ into her arms.
The blonde gladly accepted the invitation, breathing Emily in as she was wrapped in her loving embrace.
"We'll fix this," Emily whispered, "we'll put the pieces back together. It's going to be okay…everything is going to be okay."
JJ lost it at Emily's words, exposing her shattered soul with every tear she shed.
Emily did all she was able to do for the girl, holding her close and willing her love to envelope her friend and somehow heal the hurt.
"If I could take this, I would." she whispered to the blonde. "In a heartbeat."
JJ squeezed her tight. "I know you would," she said through her tears.
As they lay down wrapped together, a feeling rose inside JJ, and she immediately voiced her fear to her friend:
"Sometimes, I'm afraid I'm going to disappear." She whispered. "That who I am is disappearing because I don't know who I am anymore. He died… he disappeared, and the world changed. He disappeared, but he is still everywhere to me. And the world just keeps going on like nothing is different when, in reality, everything has changed. I've changed. Who I was is gone… and I'm disappearing because I just don't know who I am."
"I know who you are," Emily responded. "I know who you are JJ, and I'll remind you every single day. I truly cannot fathom the way you feel…and I don't ever want to be insensitive to you, not ever… but please don't let him have that power over you JJ. A person only has as much power in your life as you allow them to have. And Michael Hastings CANNOT be the deciding factor of who you are. You went through something truly and completely horrible, and you changed because of that. And that's okay. But do not allow that sick son of a bitch to erase the pieces of what makes you who you are: my strong, stunning friend. He can't do that. No one can take that from you unless you let them Jay. So please… don't let him have it."
JJ looked up into her friend's eyes in awe, feeling more empowered than she had in months.
"You are the wisest person I know," she said to the brunette.
Emily let out a quick laugh. "I don't know about that JJ…I just know there are things in all of us that no one can take away. They can beat us down, mock us, bruise us… but they can never take our souls. That is something that can only be had if we willingly give it away."
JJ smiled as her friend's words washed over her. She felt the sudden desire to give Emily those intimate parts of herself, imagining a life where her soul was no longer hidden, but rather known and guarded by the safety of Emily's heart.
They fell silent once more, both trapped by their thoughts. As the minutes ticked by, JJ found her eyelids drooping while sleep tried claiming her again.
Every time sleep nearly found her, the blonde would jerk herself awake, not wanting to return to the danger of her subconscious mind.
Eventually, Emily noticed the pattern and shifted, placing both women in the perfect position for sleep. An unbelievable warmth and comfort washed over their bodies, and the blonde knew she couldn't hold out much longer.
"Don't be afraid JJ," Emily whispered. "You can go back to sleep… I am right here. I won't stop holding you."
The blonde smiled, soaking in the protection of her friend, but couldn't help remembering that she hadn't stopped the dreams before.
"I'm so glad you're here…" she whispered, "but nothing ever stops him from coming in my dreams."
Emily was silent for a moment, pondering her response.
"They say you dream about the last ten things you think about before falling asleep." She smiled at the blonde before continuing, "I'll give you ten things that will fill your dreams with happiness: Hotch. Rossi. Morgan. Spencer. Garcia…" She paused, letting out a nervous breath. "Me."
The blonde smiled up at her, that powerful smile that Emily wanted to copyright for herself.
She continued in a soft whisper, her voice shaking slightly, "how much I love you… how I would do anything for you… anything…"
She reached out and stroked the blonde's cheek with the back of her hand, surprising herself with her boldness.
JJ closed her eyes at the touch, overcome with joy at the words of her friend, but conflicted by the feelings those words elicited in her body.
There was a silence between the women as Emily's hand lingered on the soft cheek of her friend, both feeling warmth and desire course through their veins.
"That's only eight things," JJ whispered, breaking the moment.
Emily removed her hand and smiled once more. "Think of how much our whole team loves you too… and think of Sergio."
Both women laughed in reference to Emily's feline companion.
JJ snuggled deeply into the brunette. "Thanks Em," she said softly, her eyelids beginning to droop once more.
"Anytime Jennifer… Thank you for trusting me."
JJ smiled as she closed her eyes. "You'll be here when I wake up?"
"Absolutely," Emily said.
"… could we spend tomorrow together?" JJ asked.
The brunette felt her heart leap with joy before repeating, "Absolutely."
The blonde smiled once more, feeling a peace wash over her in Emily's arms.
Emily looked down at her small friend, admiring her strength and unimaginable beauty. She leaned forward and gently placed her lips on the girl's forehead, closing her eyes as she felt JJ's warm skin against her lips.
"Goodnight JJ," she whispered.
The blonde felt the height of love and comfort fill her bones, desiring nothing more than to have Emily's lips stay on her forever. She tightened her grip on the brunette, knowing she would be right there when she awoke.
This time, as sleep washed over the blonde, Emily was right there with her, and they both passed into the world of dreams together.