CHAPTER 4 – Avoiding the Inevitable

"...and I don't know what to do... coz I'll never be with you."

It was two days later and Laura couldn't still accept the fact that she had actually fallen in love with Taylor, her best friend, and bigger problem on her part, a girl. She had no problems with lesbians or bisexuals. She was a big supporter of them. But not once had she ever thought that she was actually a part of that community. Growing up, she had always been one of the guys. She loved doing things guys normally did, and doing those things with men. But she loved them, too. She loved being in-love with them. Sure, she's had so many girl crushes but that was it, plain crush. She thought she had always been straight and not anything other than that. So why was she feeling this now?

Convinced that she was just being paranoid, she tried everything she could to ignore what she was feeling. So when Taylor invited her to a small fashion show that her friend had organized, she agreed to go with her. Even if every muscle and bone in her body felt excited just at the thought of seeing Taylor again, she kept trying to convince herself that it was not what she was feeling.

Taylor and she decided to just meet at the venue. Taylor was running a little late so Laura waited for her at the lobby so they could go in together. While waiting for her friend, she kept pacing back and forth because she was freaking out. She was hoping that after seeing her today, it would all be clear. She wasn't in-love and it was stupid of her to even think about it. It was just a drunken moment.

But then Taylor arrived and Laura felt her knees weaken because boy, was she so wrong. Because she didn't look at Jodi this way, or Tasha, or Yael or any other women for that matter. The moment she saw her, she felt her heart do flip flops inside her chest then it started beating faster. Taylor smiled at her and it was the best smile in the world, like she could just stare at it all day.

"Hi!" Taylor almost ran to her, then kissed her on the cheek. "I'm so sorry I'm late. I was reading this script my agent sent to me. It was so good I totally forgot about the time."

"Don't worry about it, girl."

"So. Let's go?" She held her arm and they started walking.

When she held her, Laura felt as if electricity went through her veins. She was feeling things she'd never felt even with her former boyfriends and it was driving her insane. "Fuck," she thought. "Get a grip of yourself, bitch."

-o-o-o-

The show had started when they arrived but there were two seats reserved for them in front that they had sat as soon as they got there. The beautiful dresses made by the designer took Laura's mind off Taylor for a while. She's always loved wearing simple clothing, shirts and baggy jeans were her thing. But she didn't mind wearing the beautiful ones, too. She's always dressed to impress whenever she had to, and she had always been successful at those.

She didn't know how it happened, but she just suddenly felt something warm and light at the back of her palm. She looked down at her hand and saw Taylor involuntarily doing it. She was leaning towards Laura while watching the show and her thumb was making light circles on Laura's hand.

The latter tried to ignore it. It was not unusual for Taylor to be this touchy. She did this to everyone and Laura shouldn't freak out.

But the minutes kept dragging as the only thing she was noticing was Taylor's hand on hers and how it made her feel the exact same thing she was trying to avoid. So when she couldn't take it any longer, she pulled her hand away then stood up.

"Hey, everything okay?" asked Taylor, who was surprised by this.

"Y-yeah, yeah, yeah. I just... Uh, I remembered that I gotta go do this thing that... Uh, I gotta go do something. I'm sorry, it slipped off my mind." She realized she was stammering but she didn't care. She had to get out of there. Fast.

"Oh, okay. Let's go then."

Taylor was starting to stand, too, but Laura stopped her. "No, you have to finish the show. Your friend is gonna kill you if you don't."

Taylor then sat back down.

"I'm really sorry. I'll just call you, okay?"

Taylor just kept nodding, unsure of what was happening.

Then Laura started walking away. Taylor followed her with her eyes. Few seconds later, Laura was out of her sight.

-o-o-o-

Laura thought that it was going to be easy ignoring Taylor. For the first few days, she didn't have any problems because there was really no reason for them to see each other yet. But then it had to come. That day when Taylor would call her and invite her to some place, as she usually did. At first it was easy to decline. She just had to make up some reason why she couldn't make it then it was all good.

Then came the second phone call, asking her how her day was and if she wanted to go to Taylor's place for some lunch or dinner. Laura didn't even know anymore because the minute Taylor started saying her invitation, all she could think about was how she was getting out of it this time. She managed to think of a reason, albeit lame, and she was good to go again.

Then another phone call, then another one, and another one. When she couldn't think of any reason to decline any of Taylor's invitations anymore, she just started not answering her calls at all. And afraid that Taylor might give her a surprise visit, she had barely stayed at home. She usually just came home during hours when she knew Taylor wouldn't come anymore.

It was killing her. She hated the fact that she hadn't seen and talked to Taylor in weeks now but there was no other way. She thought that maybe if she ignored her, if she wouldn't see her in a long time, the feelings she had for her would go away.

But she was wrong. Because now she missed her so much. It took every strength in her body to keep herself from going to Taylor's place. And she didn't know how it was possible, but she knew she loved her even more now. Maybe what you resisted really did persist.

-o-o-o-

Taylor was having her daily morning jog when she saw a familiar figure walking on the other side of the street. "Hey, Laura!" She knew that Laura saw her but didn't show any signs that she did. She just kept walking, and faster. "Laura!" This time the blonde had to start running to keep up with her. When she was only a few steps behind her, "Laura, if you don't stop running away from me, I swear t-"

Right then, Laura stopped but did not immediately face Taylor. When she did, she was wearing the biggest smile she could show. "Hey, girl it's you! Sorry, didn't hear you there."

Instead of answering her, Taylor gave her a 'I-can't-believe-you-think-I'd-fall-for-that' look.

"What?" Laura asked nonchalantly.

"You're avoiding me. Why are you avoiding me?"

Laura laughed. "Taylor that's absurd. Why would I avoid you?"

"I think I just asked you that."

"I'm not, okay? You're being paranoid, girl." Laura looked away. And it was pretty obvious how uncomfortable she was being there right now.

For a moment, Taylor didn't know what to say. She then chose not to push this any further. She smiled, a big one. "All right. That's good then! Now let's go get some coffee. Or eat. Yeah, let's eat! I'm starving." Taylor held Laura's arm and pulled her to start walking but the latter immediately pulled back. "What's wrong?"

"Uh, I honestly would love to. But I gotta run, girl. I have lots of stuff to do today. Sorry. Rain check?"

Taylor sighed. "This is not avoiding me? Laura, come on, I'm not stupid. You haven't answered any of my calls. And I haven't seen you in a really long time. What did I do? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me because this is driving me crazy."

"Why are you being so overly dramatic today?" Laura laughed but Taylor noticed the shallowness of it. "Fine," she sounded defeated. "Let's go."

-o-o-o-

They went to a weird, small but cozy coffee shop which only had a few people, those of whom looked weird, too. But they seemed nice so it wasn't really a problem. It was Laura's choice. She didn't wanna catch too much attention so she chose this place.

Taylor looked all over the place and found it bizarre. "Wow, you told me your family's eccentric. I didn't really think that included you. Until now."

Laura smiled. She missed this. She missed her. "Well, I am eccentric, too, you know. Say hello to the side of me you've never seen before." Laura held her hands up with an open-mouthed smile, as if presenting herself to Taylor.

Taylor saw Laura smiling and it made her feel good. She's never really thought of how much she missed that until now. "So, wanna talk about it now?" asked Taylor as both sat a corner table after they had made their orders.

"Talk about what?" She tried one last time to get out of this.

"Nice try."

That wiped the smile off of Laura's face. She suddenly became serious. "There's really nothing to talk about. Sorry that I haven't talked to you in a while. I've just been really busy."

Taylor felt bad that Laura was immediately back to her reserved self but she had to know where all of this was coming from. Laura couldn't keep ignoring her forever.

"You were so busy that you couldn't even pick up the phone anymore? And what, is that also the reason why you can't look me in the eye right now?"

Laura didn't answer her. She was unconsciously playing with a toy troll displayed on their table.

"Laura. You know I am not letting this go." She grabbed the toy from her and replaced it with her own hands. As if put on fire, Laura immediately jerked them away from Taylor. The latter then took a deep breath and shook her head.

Laura hated seeing Taylor looking so disappointed. She then let out a long breath, something she didn't realize she had been holding. "Fine, I'll tell you." She looked around and realized that she couldn't talk about it here. "But not here."

-o-o-o-

They were inside Laura's place. Taylor was sitting at the couch looking at Laura who was sitting so far away from her. "What now?"

"Look, I've been trying so hard to avoid this moment, okay? Because I didn't wanna ruin anything. Especially the great working relationship that we have." Laura couldn't even say the word friendship anymore, because by feeling what she felt right now, by being in-love with Taylor, she felt like she's betrayed her friend. "So don't blame me if after this, everything's gonna change, okay?"

"Okay. But, I don't understand. What's going to change? Why is there a need for any changes at all?" She waited for Laura to look back at her but she didn't. "And will you please look at me when you're talking? I feel like you're so disgusted to even look at me anymore."

Laura finally looked at her and she had that face which kinds of scare people away. Laura had one of those looks that made her look like a total bitch. She had that look now.

"What did I do?" Taylor asked again.

"You did not do anything. This is all me." She looked away again.

"Then why are you avoiding me?"

"Because this feels so fucking wrong! We were fine! We were doing okay. And I had to let this happen and ruin everything!" Laura felt so mad that she had allowed herself to feel this. She looked at Taylor for a second and it calmed her down a bit. "I want you to know that I never wanted this... that I never thought I'd ever feel this—"

Taylor was starting to piece two and two together but she didn't want to fully embrace the thought that was starting to form in her mind because as much as she wanted to digest everything in her mind right now, she couldn't. It felt like this was happening so fast. But she could feel Laura's pain just by looking at her and listening to her voice and it hurt her, too. She didn't wanna see her this way. "Laura, please look at me."

Laura didn't budge so Taylor stood and went right in front of her.

"I said look at me!"

Laura then stood, too, and looked at Taylor. "What?!" She was on the verge of tears now. She was filled with all kinds of emotions, anger at Taylor for pushing her to her limits and more at herself for even feeling this in the first place, fear of what this may cause their relationship, sadness that she had let it come this far, and so much love for the woman in front of her who looked so worried and sad and scared, not knowing what was going on. Laura couldn't hold the tears anymore and they started flowing, as if racing with each other. "I can't be feeling this, Taylor. But I am. And I'm so... so... sorry."

Just by looking at Laura's eyes, Taylor knew.