CHAPTER 5 – FEELING IT, TOO

Taylor was inside her room doing everything she could not to take her phone and call Laura. She wanted to talk to her so badly but she asked for some time to think about everything and she had to give that to her. Even though she missed her so much. And she's missed her ever since that fashion show they saw together which was weeks ago.

It was only yesterday that she told her about what she felt. Well, not really 'told' as she had figured it out herself. She knew that it wasn't going to be easy for Laura to say those things to her, the way she felt for her, because it would've been the same way for her if the tables were turned, and Taylor understood.

What she didn't understand was why Laura thought that this would push her away. Sure, she was surprised at first that Laura felt that way for her. But it always felt good, knowing someone loved you the way Laura did.

Taylor didn't know this at first, because she's never really been in this situation before, but it didn't matter to her whether that kind of love was coming from a man or a woman, or any other label for that matter. What mattered was that someone loved her and that was always a beautiful thing to have.

But Laura thought otherwise, and it made Taylor sad. Because she didn't want Laura out of her life. She didn't know how it was going to be without her in it and she couldn't even bring herself to imagine it. Laura was too important to her, she was not gonna lose her.

-o-o-o-

"Knock, knock." It was the familiar voice of Laura's mom.

"Come in." She was inside her room in Jersey. She wanted to see her mom because she knew it was only her who could clear her mind right now but Marjorie was out when she arrived earlier today.

"Hey, I thought your sister was messing with me when she told me you were here. When did you arrive?"

"Just a few hours ago."

When Laura knew that Taylor had understood what she was trying to tell her, she asked her to leave. The blonde didn't want to, though. She wanted to stay and talk about it but Laura felt like she was going to explode any minute then so she insisted that Taylor left. There was a pained expression on her face when she went out of her house that hurt Laura even more but she had no other choice. She had to think this through.

So the very next day, she left as early as she could. And now she was here. In front of the only person she knew could help her right now.

"What's wrong honey? Is everything all right?" Marjorie sat down on the foot of Laura's bed.

"Can't it just be that I miss you and that I wanted to see you today?"

"You would've called if that was the case. You're not very fond of surprises. So, spill it, kid. Cut the chase, I'm listening."

Laura was so thankful that her mom knew her so much. It made everything a lot easier. The only problem was that she didn't really know about what exactly was going on in her life right now. So she found herself lost for words when she was about to explain why she was really there. "Well... you know the last time that you were in New York and told me about these things? About having changed and all that stuff?"

"Yes. Have you finally accepted that I was right?"

Laura nodded. Then she put her hands all over her face, "Mom, I can't."

"You can't what? Honey, tell me."

"I cannot let things change. They're way too complicated." Laura sighed. Her mom didn't say anything and she knew she was waiting for her to go on. "You know T-taylor, right?"

From the look on her Mom's face, Laura knew that she didn't need to say anything more about that. She already got it.

"Mom, how is it possible for me to live 34 years of my life and only realize now that this is who I really am? That I'm capable of this kind of love... for... for the s-same sex?"

It was still hard for Laura to understand and to accept that everything she's believed in ever since she started being capable of understanding things on her own may still change, or worse, may have been wrong all along.

"I don't understand. What if... what if I'm wrong? What if I'm not really in-love with her? That I'm just confused by all this because of what everyone wants me to feel?"

"Sweetheart," Marjorie held both Laura's hands, "sometimes, we make ourselves believe in something that our heart cannot take but our mind can. It somehow becomes like a surrounding wall around us to make us feel protected and safe from anyone or anything that we think is capable of hurting us. And what you're feeling right now, that is something that your mind didn't tell you to feel. It's your heart that made you feel that. Taylor has broken that barrier you've made around you, something no one had ever done before. Not because they could not, but because you never let them. And somehow, maybe you felt that Taylor was different. Because you let her in. And I know it's scary and confusing and unimaginable all at the same time. Because it's new to you and it's something that you can never really prepare yourself for. But try removing all the clutter that's inside your heart right now, and just leave what's in the very bottom of it. Because that's when you'll see, that the love you feel for her is really the only thing that's supposed to matter."

-o-o-o-

It had been a week since the last time she and Laura had talked. Taylor was done giving her the time she asked for because she thought that a week was more than enough to think. And she couldn't shake off the feeling that something was wrong.

So she tried calling Laura a hundred times but she wouldn't pick up. She's visited her place but she was never there. She even tried contacting Laura's friends and even her sisters and brother, to no avail. She knew that there was no chance Laura would call her right now after everything that's happened. But that didn't stop her from hoping that she'd eventually call. Because she's worried.

And she missed her.

Suddenly her phone rang. It was an unregistered number but she still answered anyway. "Hello?"

"Hello? Is this Taylor Schilling?" It was an unfamiliar voice of an old woman.

"Yes, who is this?"

"Honey, this is Marjorie, Laura's mom."

-o-o-o-

Taylor was at the door of Laura's house in Los Angeles. She had been ringing the door bell for minutes now but she's not coming out. As much as Laura was trying to avoid her, Taylor knew that she wouldn't ignore her this way and so this is really bothering her.

"Laura, it's Taylor! Open up, please." After about another five seconds of silence, she heard something crash inside. "Laura? What the hell is happening?" She was banging at the door now.

"Are you planning on tearing down my door?" Laura was finally in front of her now and she was the palest Taylor had ever seen her ever. Her eyes looked puffy as if she'd been crying and her nose was so red and she couldn't even stand straight. She was holding on to her door as if holding on to her dear life.

"What on earth..." was everything Taylor could say at the sight of her friend.

Just as Laura turned her back on Taylor, she felt her knees buckle and almost fell down if it wasn't for the blonde who quickly rushed behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist to keep her from collapsing.

"Jesus Laura, what the hell happened to you?! You're burning up!" She walked her towards the living room and made her seat on the couch. "Have you eaten?"

Laura nodded.

"Have you taken any medicine at all?"

Laura shook her head.

Without saying anything, Taylor walked away and Laura knew she was going to her medicine cabinet.

"Taylor, I'm fine." The black-haired woman tried to sound as if nothing was wrong but her voice didn't fool Taylor. "And how did you even know I was here? No one knows I'm here."

A moment later, Taylor was back with a glass of water and some medicine. "Except your mom." She handed her the medicine and water.

Laura sighed. Of course, how didn't she see this coming? She should've known her mom would eventually crack. She then took the medicine.

"And really? You're fine? Because that doesn't look fine to me. Almost falling down the fucking floor didn't look fine to me!" Taylor breathed deeply because she realized she was flaring up. "Drink that. You'll feel better. It's gonna make you feel drowsy in a bit. This is strong so I'm talking minutes here."

"Thanks. But Taylor, you're overreacting. It's just flu. I'm okay, I swear."

"Just a flu?! Have you seen yourself lately? You look terrible!" She helped Laura up and led her towards her bedroom.

As Laura laid down, "Gee, thanks for the compliment. That definitely makes me feel better." Laura smirked, trying to lighten up the mood. She had never seen Taylor this mad and even though she didn't show it, it was freaking her out.

Taylor breathed deeply and bored her eyes onto Laura. "Laura, I am serious. What if I didn't come here? What if something happened to you? I can't even imagine how..." She stopped herself before she could say anything more. It scared her just thinking about it.

That wiped the smile off Laura's face. "I'm so sorry." She felt bad because she could really see how worried Taylor was.

"How long have you been like this?"

Laura shrugged. "I don't know, three, four days. Lost count." She closed her eyes because she was starting to feel dizzy again.

"Do you need me to bring you to the hospital? Or call your doctor?"

"There's no need for that."

"Are you sure?" Laura nodded. "God! How hard is it to give me a call and ask for help?" Taylor was pacing her room back and forth now. "Or, okay, you're avoiding me, I get it. Then why not call your other friends? Or your family? Or anyone who can at least take care of you when you fucking can't?!"

Taylor didn't think she had ever been this worried her whole life and she didn't understand why. But she chose to ignore that question she wanted to ask her own self because how Laura was feeling at that moment was all that mattered right now.

"Why are you yelling at me?" asked Laura, quite weakly and it even worried Taylor more. She still had her eyes closed.

"I'm not," said Taylor softly, when she realized that she actually was yelling.

"Yes, you are." She was smiling.

The blonde took another deep breath as she lowered her voice. "I'm sorry. I am not yelling at you, okay? I am just... I'm worried sick!" She put her hands all over her face as she sat at the bed, beside Laura. She put blanket all over her and tried removing some hair that has fallen all over her friend's face. She stared at her. "Please don't do this again."

This time, she opened her eyes and looked at Taylor. "I'm sorry I got you all worried and stuff. Promise, I won't do it again." Laura smiled, a sad one, and Taylor didn't fail to notice that. But again, she decided not to say anything about it. "Thanks for being here, girl." As Taylor had said, the med Laura took was starting to take effect as she suddenly felt the heaviness of her eyelids. She grabbed Taylor's hand and squeezed it gently. "I love you, Taylor," as she slowly closed her eyes.

Taylor just kept staring at Laura's face, still not letting go of her hand. She imagined her smiling at her, not just with her full lips, but also with those green beautiful eyes. She slowly cupped her face with her free hand and rubbed her cheek gently with her thumb. That's when Taylor understood why she was feeling everything she's been feeling lately.

And then she smiled. "I love you, too, Laura."

-0-0-0-0-

A/N:

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