Chapter 18 – Decision Made

It had been a long day. It was almost two in the morning but Laura had just gotten home from her shoot. She shot a flashback scene today so she had a separate set location from the whole cast. When she got home, she found Taylor already sleeping in her bedroom. She kissed her forehead before going to the bathroom.

After her shower, Laura went out but was surprised that Taylor wasn't in bed anymore. She quickly changed into her sleeping robe and went down.

She found Taylor in the kitchen preparing food. She went to her and wrapped her arms around her so that she was hugging her from behind. She then kissed her on her cheek then on the side of her neck going downwards to her shoulder.

"Hmmm..." murmured Taylor. She smiled at Laura's gesture. "Hi, baby. I prepared you food. I'm sure you haven't eaten yet."

"Thanks, babe. But you know I prefer eating something else."

Laura grinned and she could see that Taylor did, too. She then slid her hands downwards, feeling her curves. She kissed Taylor on the side of her neck again, biting a little causing Taylor to moan. She slipped her hand inside her waistband and then slid a finger over her center, pressing gently. That rewarded her with a moan from Taylor as she threw her head back.

Taylor then faced her, and Laura was caught off guard by the desire in Taylor's eyes. "I love you so much, baby. I don't ever wanna lose you."

-o-o-o-

Laura thought of that night, just a few nights after Taylor's birthday, but it seemed like it had been such a long time ago. It had only been just a little more than a week. She threw her a big party then afterwards a dinner just for the two of them. She hoped that this might take everything off her mind for good. But she couldn't. And everything was a lot worse now.

Things were so different now that every moment, happy ones, she had shared with Taylor seemed so distant. She wasn't sure how she got here, how she had become the complete opposite of the person who promised Taylor she wouldn't be scared anymore, that she wouldn't leave her.

But all of her fears right now were eating her alive. She couldn't even look at Taylor anymore without feeling terrified of what would happen if she decided that this was not the life that she actually wanted, right at the moment when Laura couldn't live without her anymore... when she had fallen too much in love with Taylor that living without her would feel like it was gonna be her death.

She had to get out of this before it was too late. Even if she knew that she loved her too much already, right now she could still leave. And maybe it was for the better, for both of them. Being with Taylor felt right. But so was getting out of the relationship right now. This wasn't about whether what's right or wrong anymore. It was choosing what's more right of the two.

She was waiting for Taylor. She was coming over for lunch and she thought it was the best time to get this over and done with. She had never dreaded any other time more.

About half an hour later, they were both at the dining table. Taylor started telling this story about something but Laura wasn't really listening. She was thinking of how to do this without hurting Taylor. She knew it was stupid to do so because she was gonna hurt her, whichever way she chose to do this.

"Taylor, we need to talk." She blurted all of a sudden.

"Aren't we doing that already?" Taylor asked, confused.

"I know. But... this is serious." She kept playing with her fork absentmindedly.

"What happened?" Taylor suddenly looked so concerned. She put her fork down and held one of Laura's hands which were on the table at the time. "Is there something wrong?"

Laura wanted to first explain why she was doing this. She wanted to make her understand because she didn't want Taylor to hate her afterwards. But she couldn't find the right words to say... because she knew that at that moment, there was nothing right to say.

She stared into Taylor's eyes and thought of whether she would be able to live a life without her in it. And she was scared that she wouldn't. So before she could back out from this, she just went right on with it. "I don't wanna do this anymore."

Ripped the band-aid right where it hurt.

"Do what? Eat? But we just started. Are you full?"

Laura didn't fail to notice how Taylor had avoided her eyes when she said that. "You know what I mean." She felt like a million knives we're going through her at that time, just looking at Taylor, but she couldn't stop now.

"No, I don't." Taylor kept shaking her head, as if it was gonna make the swirling inside her head stop. "Because you're not making any sense." At that time, Taylor's heart was beating so fast. "What are you really trying to say, Laura?"

Laura swallowed the lump that was slowly forming in her throat. "I think it's time for us to end this... us."

This time, Taylor had looked at her. "What? What are you... why... What?" Taylor couldn't even form any sentence that made sense anymore. She felt like it was all going too fast. "Why are you doing this? We're doing okay! What has gotten into you?"

"Really? Do you really think we're doing okay?"

"Well, at least I am! Why? Aren't you? Laura what the fuck is happening?"

"Yes! I'm not doing okay. This isn't working out anymore, Taylor. Let's just end this before it hurts us way too much."

"Not working? When did it ever stop working? The only way that it's gonna stop to ever work is when you get out of it, Laura. Is this because of Pete? I thought we were over that?"

"It's not about Pete, okay? It's about everything else and it's making me lose my head. Taylor, this is... this is driving me insane and if it doesn't stop now, I swear, I'm just gonna lose it."

Taylor did not speak. Instead she suddenly stood up and almost threw the napkin on her lap at the table. "I'm not... I can't believe this is happening." She started walking away as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving. Because clearly, you need time to think. Alone. This is not over, Laura. It can't be. I'm not gonna let it." She paused, unsure whether it was right to leave now. "I'll come back when you're back to your senses."

-o-o-o-

Taylor reached her place and it was only when she had slumped on her couch did she realize that she was shaking. The day she had always been dreading had arrived. Laura had let her fear take its toll on her.

She had not forgotten what she and Marjorie had talked about before, but she didn't realize that it's gonna be so hard to stand her ground when Laura would finally say those words. She knew Laura loved her and that she didn't really wanna leave her.

But it scared her like crazy. Just thinking of Laura out of her life made her sick to her stomach. She can't live without her. She wouldn't. She would make sure of that.

-o-o-o-

It didn't even take Taylor three hours before she went back to Laura's house. She wanted to give her time to think about everything but every minute that passed was torture to her. She couldn't just sit and wait for Laura to make a decision that could change their lives forever. If she wanted them to stay together, she had to do something herself.

So she got up, and went straight for Laura's home. She found her outside her house, smoking, when she arrived. "I'm ready to talk about this now. I'm sorry. I should have never walked out on you earlier."

Laura just nodded. She threw her cigarette away then went inside her house.

Taylor followed her. "I know that you're scared, Laura. I am, too. This is the time where we get scared together. We just have to find a way to make this work, despite all of that. I know we can."

"I'm not scared, Taylor. I used to. But not anymore." She didn't understand why she had to lie. She was scared. It was all she was feeling every damn day. And she couldn't live with it anymore.

"So where are all these coming from?"

"It's coming from my desire to have the normal life I've always planned to have. Something that I've always wanted ever since day one. And I can't have that with you. I can't even make it a day without thinking about how much we're gonna sacrifice of ourselves just to be together. It's a struggle inside me every fucking minute, Taylor."

"I don't get it. I'm not sacrificing anything. And if there comes a point in my life where I have to, I'd be fine with it. I don't give a crap about how much I'd have to lose just to be with you. Because I love you, Laura. I don't care about what the consequences are gonna be."

"But, I do... okay? I'm not ready to give up so much in my life for you. I'm sorry. I thought I was. Turned out I can't." She turned her back on her, but faced her again after just about a second. "And, what's gonna happen if you wake up one day and realize that you actually still want to be with a guy, huh?"

"I love you! Okay? I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. Do you think I'm gonna throw this all away for some guy? Why can't you trust me?"

Laura didn't speak so Taylor went on.

It hurt Taylor to hear Laura say those words to her... to know that Laura didn't find her worthy enough for her to let those things happen to her... to not trust her enough to think that she's gonna stay no matter what. But she understood.

"I know this is not easy. You do, too. You've told me. So why are you bailing on me now? Does what we feel for each other not enough for you to want to fight for this?"

"I want to. I swear I have... numerous times. But I keep losing every damn time. It's about time I take that as a sign that this is never going to work."

Taylor was starting to see that Laura was really serious with her decision, that it wasn't just something she thought of in a minute and would get over after some time. And it was scaring her.

"There's gotta be a way to fix this. Tell me, I'd do it. If you need time... away from me, I'd give it to you. If that's what you need to figure it all out... to figure how I can make all of this easier for you. Just please, don't tell me that this is it... that it's over. Because I can't, Laura. I can't lose you."

"Taylor, I've tried. I swear. This is not a decision I've made over the last 24 hours."

"Laura, please. Don't do this to me," she looked at Laura and it was all it took her to lose all control she thought she had. The woman she loved so much was slowly slipping away from her, and there was nothing she could do to make her stay. Tears had dropped, one by one, and she couldn't stop it. "I love you... so much. I can't... Please."

She wanted to go near the woman she loved so much, to touch her, to hug her, to make her feel how much she loved her. But she couldn't move. It was as if everything that Laura had told her had paralyzed her.

All her life, Taylor had sworn she would never beg for someone to stay in her life. If they wanted to leave, she'd let them. She wouldn't want any person who didn't want to be a part of her life. But this was Laura, the woman she'd loved more than any other person in the world. She couldn't let her go.

"I'm sorry." Laura didn't know how she had managed to keep her shit together looking at Taylor this way. "I really am." She swallowed hard, not wanting to say anything else. She knew that if she did, she would probably just take everything she said back and she didn't need that right now. "I think you should go."

Taylor bowed, feeling all her strength slowly leaving her. She never thought she could ever feel this much pain and she didn't know how she was ever going to live with it. And then she looked back up at Laura, and she was just standing there, not even looking at her.

She didn't know how she had managed to do it, but she slowly turned her back on her as she made her way to the door. She reached for the door knob but before she went out, she looked back at Laura again. This time she was looking at her and she saw pain in her eyes.

But at that time, all she felt was numbness. So she walked out the door, and started walking away, not bothering to look back.

A/N:

I'm sorry for this chapter. Please don't hunt me down and kick my ass.

moanzs, You don't know how relieved I am to know that! *sighs* I'm really sorry about the cliffhangers, though. I love them! Lol.

stargatejumper10, I'm sorry this needed to happen (in this fan fiction, of course)

lookingforflowers, i'm so sorry for this theeeen =(

vausemanforever, also, sorry! Hope you don't hate me rn =( haha

jo michael, thank you! Maybe you're regretting hoping for this chapter now, eh? Lol kidding =)

Roseriotgrrl, Oh she just did. apologies from me =(

bellacjh, here it is! =) aww, thank you! I live for these kinds of reviews. Thanks again, that's really sweet :')

guest from Amsterdam, hi you're back! =) Thank you so much! Oh replying is the least I can do for you guys being so wonderful to take the time to leave reviews on my fic. I love them! =)