Happy is the Heart That Still Feels Pains

Months had passed since Nagisa ended things with Rei. And after sulking about it he decided to take initiative and get back into the dating scene. Not that he was ever really in it. Rei had been his first relationship and he managed to completely ruin that. But Nagisa was optimistic. So he started to go out with various people. Boys from his class asked him out, he asked girls from work out. It was all just for fun. It gave him a sense that he was okay without Rei. And, truthfully, he was okay.

Nagisa's first serious relationship after Rei was a month after they broke up. It was a girl, Yumi, from his history class. She was tall and mousy, a total history buff with round glasses that were too big for her face. Nagisa could listen to her talk for hours. And he did just that. It's how they ended up dating. Then they got to the point where he wanted her to meet his friends.

And that's when Haru, as blunt as he was, pointed out that she was Rei in female form. It was the only time they had mentioned Rei to him since the break-up. Nagisa knew they still talked to him, but his friends remained cautious around the subject. They were letting him bring it up when they Nagisa was ready.

After telling Haru to stop joking around he began to see it. In Yumi's mannerisms, the way she pushed her glasses up, the way she wouldn't leave the library for days, her determination. It was all so Rei. Nagisa broke it off shortly after saying that they were better friends.

Nagisa put a hiatus on dating to focus on school and work. He was feeling good. Life was good.

That was around the time he met Kaoru. His sister had introduced them, apparently tired of seeing Nagisa at home watching movies and drinking her liquor. Kaoru was short, only a couple inches taller than Nagisa, and chubby. He was a chef and Nagisa instantly fell in love with his cooking.

And Haru's only comment was that he was nice.

Kaoru was good to him. And he was good to Kaoru. They had fun together and that's all Nagisa wanted. To have fun with someone who loved him and who he loved.

Nagisa didn't know what he was thinking when he agreed to go celebrate Rin being back in Japan. He probably was thinking about the delicious cake he was eating that Kaoru made. That's what he blamed it on when he walked into the restaurant to meet with his friends. Kaoru in tow as he made direct eye contact with Rei.

Rei only bowed in greeting. Nagisa instantly jumped onto Rin and Gou almost knocking them over. Ignoring the stomach ache he got when he waved at Rei, he introduced his boyfriend. Kaoru shyly bowed to everyone before they sat down.

It was nice catching up. He hadn't seen Rin in years. And Gou was always traveling around Japan it was hard to get a hold of her. He missed his childhood friends. Later into the dinner, Sousuke had showed up. It felt like one big reunion.

Nagisa's belly was warm and full of beer as he bragged to Sousuke about Kaoru, "He makes the best cakes! And his spaghetti is so yummy." All while Kaoru denied by saying that he wasn't that great yet.

His friends laughed way into the night. Nagisa noticed that even Rei had lightened up a bit. It was nice.

Much later in the night they wandered the city. Showing off their favorite places. It was nothing like home, but it was Kaoru's home. Nagisa walked hand in hand with him feeling the buzz from drinking. He pointed out an Izakaya restaurant. Kaoru checked the time and apologized for having to leave early. Nagisa knew he had to wake up incredibly early for work, so he only tried to convince him to stay for an hour. Pouting, Nagisa gave him a kiss goodbye. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Rei stare at the interaction.

"I'll text you when I'm home," Nagisa waved until he couldn't see Kaoru anymore.

The group went into the pub and continued their celebratory night. Nagisa and Gou got cocktails which were equally as sweet with twice the kick. Rin and Sousuke got whiskey. Even Haru ordered a beer. Rei had shochu and Makoto got Sake. Everyone was well into their drinks when Nagisa felt his eyelids get heavy.

"You need me to take you home?" Makoto asked him.

Nagisa pouted and straightened his back. He took the shot glass of Sake from Makoto and swallowed it in one go. He smiled brightly and handed the glass back.

He looked at Rei. They hadn't talked the whole night. Nagisa grinned, tapping his empty cocktail glass, "How've you been?" He was slurring, he knew he was.

Rei's faced looked flushed. "F-fine," He was drunk too. Nagisa could tell.

"Fuck anybody else?" Nagisa felt anger rise in his belly. Or maybe that was alcohol.

"Nagisa," Rin hissed.

But Nagisa was feeling on fire. His head was full of questions. He leaned in, not breaking eye contact with Rei as he asked, "Do any of you want to know why we split?"

Rin kicked him under the table, "No. Now shut-up." He was lying. Of course Rei would tell Rin the full story. Not the others though.

"He fucked his ex," Nagisa said as he picked up some yakitori from the plate in front of him.

The group of friends was silent. Rei covered his face in embarrassment. Haru stood and said his goodbyes, not wanting to be a part of this anymore, and Makoto followed. Nagisa had ruined a good time. If he was sober he probably would care more. He still cares. But right now he's enjoying the way Rei is trying to get out of the situation. He isn't as smooth as Haru. He can't just stand up and walk out.

Rei pushes up his glasses. "I'll make sure he gets home safely," He tells the remainder of the group.

Gou pats Nagisa's back hesitant to get up. Rin and Sousuke usher her out. Leaving Nagisa alone with Rei. Rei pays for Nagisa and Nagisa protests as he lifted from his seat. But Rei is stronger and taller than he is. So he allows himself to be dragged out front.

The early morning air sends chills through his body. Rei places his coat around Nagisa, and Nagisa doesn't fight it. His stomach hurts and the jacket smells so much like Rei. Before Nagisa can stop it tears are falling down his face.

Rei freezes and looks around. He wipes his thumbs against Nagisa's cheeks. Swiping away the tears as they fall. His hands linger.

"I'm sorry," Rei pulls away.

Nagisa sniffles, "No, Rei-chan. I'm sorry. That was mean."

Rei smiles at him with utmost sincerity. And Nagisa can see the bags under his eyes. Starts to wonder how much he's sleeping. Was today the most he's eaten? He's probably been holed up in his room.

They start walking back to Nagisa's in silence. They're both tripping over themselves. Hopelessly drunk and awkward.

"Kaoru-san seems nice."

It takes a moment for Nagisa to realize Rei is talking to him. "Oh, yes! He cooks me my favorite meals all the time."

"You're stomach is easily won over," Rei teases.

Nagisa pokes Rei in the side. "Not everyone is as picky as you," He laughs.

The rest of the walk is filled with mindless chatter, mostly on Nagisa's part. They're able to walk in a straight line now at least. They make it to Nagisa's door faster than either want. Nagisa shifts his weight on his feet.

"You want some tea? To sober up," He quickly adds to the end. Because this is a stupid idea. And surely Rei wouldn't agree.

But he does.

And Rei is entering his house and they're taking off their shoes. Giggling at the fact that they have to stay quiet. The offer for tea is long forgotten. Their hands wander, searching for support as they move to Nagisa's bedroom.

Rei shuts the door and Nagisa bounces onto his bed. They both know it's wrong. But they're both giggly and full of alcohol.

"I'm sorry," Rei repeats as he leans over Nagisa on the bed.

Nagisa doesn't feel a hint of remorse when he feels the familiar touch of Rei's soft lips. They make out, familiarizing themselves with each other. Rei's arms are stiff as they hold him over Nagisa. Nagisa tickles Rei's sides making him laugh and fall on top of him completely. Breathless, they both stare at each other.

This is wrong, one of them whispers. They continue to kiss.

Nagisa unbuttons Rei's shirt. He helps Rei out of it, caressing the his arm muscles. And Rei is mumbling something about his workout routine as he nibbles on Nagisa's neck. He helps Nagisa out of his shirt and pants, pushing their groins together.

They roll over and Nagisa feels in control. He kisses down Rei's neck, leaving marks across his skin. He sucks on his nipple, making Rei buck his hips. He pulls Rei's slacks and boxers off in one go. Rei is already hard and dripping wet with pre-cum.

Nagisa wastes no time and begins to pump Rei. The taller man shudders and groans beneath him. Nagisa digs around in the drawer of his nightstand. He knocks a bonsai tree over in the process. He pulls out a bottle of lube and a condom.

"N-Nagisa," Rei moans as Nagisa pushes slick fingers into him.

This is wrong, Nagisa repeats to himself.

He has a boyfriend. This is exactly what Rei did to him. And it hurt so much.

This feels so good. Rei looking at him as if he's the only person in the world. It feels so good.

His fingers curl and stretch Rei. He's tight. And Nagisa is sure that Rei hasn't done anything since they split. Because Rei falls too easily into his touch.

Rei opens his eyes, looking directly at Nagisa who hasn't stopped watching him since they started. Tears form at the corner of Rei's eyes. He's biting his lip as Nagisa pushes deeper into him.

Nagisa pulls out completely and Rei whimpers at the loss of contact. Nagisa prepares himself before aligning his cock to Rei's entrance.

This is wrong.

Nagisa pushes into Rei. Eliciting moans from him. Rei is sweaty and his legs shake against their place, wrapped around Nagisa's hips. He's beautiful. Nagisa missed Rei. He missed this part of Rei.

Once fully into Rei, he waits. When Rei is no longer panting, he circles his hips. Nagisa loves the noise Rei makes. He pulls out before slamming back into him. Nagisa lifts Rei's legs over his shoulders. He pumps himself into Rei, fast.

It ends too soon. Nagisa is pushing into Rei, releasing himself and screaming Rei's name. He pumps Rei's cock until he comes.

Nagisa throws away the condom and sloppily helps Rei clean up. They fall asleep naked in each other's arms. The last thing Nagisa remembers is a soft whimper from Rei. Another apology muttered as Nagisa squeezes his arms around Rei. Drifting to sleep against Rei's chest.

Nagisa wakes up in a panic. His head hurts and he remembers everything too well. He digs through the pockets of his jeans finding his phone. He has three messages from Kaoru.

Guilt brings a wave a nausea over Nagisa. He shakes Rei awake. Rei smiles until he realizes what situation he's in.

He searches for his glasses and apologizes as he pulls his clothes on. All of their clothes are thrown on the floor. It hurts Nagisa to even look at. Nagisa picks up his boxers and slips into them. He throws his other clothes into his hamper. He urges Rei to leave.

"Nagisa," Rei stands between him and the door. "I'm sorry," He says for the hundredth time.

Nagisa points this out. Then he brings his hands to his face, "Oh, I have to tell Kaoru." He realizes.

Rei hovers awkwardly over him. He doesn't try to comfort Nagisa. Only watches.

"Rei," Nagisa looks up to him. Red-rimmed eyes glistened with tears. He scrunches his brow in an attempt to not cry, "I love you." And he really does.

Rei looks to the floor, "I love you too."

Neither one tries to say anything. Rei doesn't comfort Nagisa. Nagisa doesn't try to make a joke out of it. Because this is serious. This is their life.

Nagisa feels his stomach bubble. It's an ugly feeling. Knowing he hurt somebody who trusted him.

Rei repeats an apology. "We're not good for each other," Rei says in a hushed tone. As if now he's only realizing that they aren't alone in the house. "At least not... not now."

Nagisa watches Rei push up his glasses. He knows he's right.

"I have my life and you have yours," Rei says. It seems as if he's talking to himself more than anything.

"We need to get our act together," Nagisa agrees. Because he knows. He has known that they were still young and figuring things out. They have options to explore.

Options that Nagisa had just cheated on.

"I- I'll see you around," Rei placed a hand on Nagisa's shoulder.

Nagisa stands on his toes to kiss Rei's cheek. "I'll make you proud," He smiles.

"Make yourself proud," Rei rubs the spot that Nagisa kissed. The blush on his cheeks slowly spreads to his ears.

Rei opens the bedroom door to Nagisa's sister on the other side. She glared at Rei then turned to Nagisa. She didn't say anything as Rei bowed and ran out of the apartment.

Hearing the door shut, Nagisa covered his face. He let the tears fall down his face. Everything Rei still lingered in the air around him. His smell, his touch, his voice. It brought Nagisa to his knees.

"I love him," He whispered. Because he did love Rei. He has always loved Rei.

And now it was up to him to prove himself to not only Rei, but to himself. He called Kaoru first thing to tell him he couldn't see him anymore. That was the hardest part. He needed to change. For the better. He was determined to show Rei that he was worth something. Brains, determination, heart, skill. Whatever it took. He was going to prove that he was worth the love he asked for.

one more chapter. this wasn't supposed to be a story about a bunch of cheating and break-ups omg what have i done. this is trash.