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The forest was quiet except for small birds that chirped and pecked at fallen fruits of a tree directly up ahead. The woman in his arms breathed quietly and her eyes drooped as he watched her lovely face, thinking that he had to reveal his true feelings to her because she doubted his sincerity.
The sensations in his heart and soul for her were as pure as the snow, nothing had changed, and he would always feel the strongest of emotions when it came to her. But crisis had forced him to put that love on hold. It was a bitter sweet decision, because it meant that he would have to break their ties, pushing their love to the limit of its endurance.
Could they survive such a ghastly deed? He had asked himself that question so many times since the first moments he'd contemplated the decision in his head and heart, his soul. Even now when his efforts had been successful and he felt deep down that he had made the right call. Why then was he still in doubt?
He knew the answer, she was lying in his arms and his actions would cause her insurmountable anguish. That choice was turning into the toughest challenge that he'd ever had to face. Not even his most formidable opponent came close to the battle that raged inside him.
He moved his upper torso forward, which spread a shadow over her face, blocking out the dappling sunlight through the languid limbs of the willow tree that had shown on her face, and had cast Kagome's face in an ethereal glow just moments before.
She looked so delicate, so fragile, as her hooded eyes never left his face. They told stories of love and regret; they held him captive, taking him back to a time when their relationship was strong, simple and uncomplicated.
He found himself thinking about kissing her again as his stare settled on her mouth. His eyes must have given away his impulse because she gave him a little smile and her gaze hung on his lips.
"Sesshomaru," she whispered and eased up a bit, "Sesshomaru."
He smiled at her easily; surprised by how calm he felt, how utterly at peace. No raw passion. No disturbing thoughts. No volatile beating of his heart like when he'd chased her down earlier, nothing except tranquil serenity. His lips brushed her mouth.
She kissed him back, tentatively curling one hand around his arm; while the arms at her back supported it comfortably. The kiss was unhurried, nice and sweet, and she moaned softly into his mouth.
But the moment the kiss ended he caught that all too familiar look of love and adoration in her gaze. Sesshomaru realized that he'd just crossed a very important line that he hadn't meant to cross.
His heart slunk back against his spine in shame. It was never his intent, but the looks his mate threw his way would suggest that she thought that he'd chased her down to rekindle their love. But sadly that was not the case. He just could not see her leave doubting his motives.
He loved and wanted her only, and when he'd realized that the princess's arrival spelt doom for them, embittered his instincts had drove him on like a rabid animal. The chase had served to draw his feelings of possessiveness and lust to the fore of his despairing mind. She was his mate and truly their bond was strong.
Unconsciously he'd wanted to dominate her, prevent her from leaving him even if it was by force. But these loving looks that were only for him sobered him up quickly, as reality punched him in the gut. He could feel the knots as they formed in his stomach by the force of the jolt.
She didn't look away as the soft expression that he'd reserved only for her melted away, and instead his eyes took on a faraway look, while his smile turned down in a frown. They stared at each other with a stunned mix of surprise, affection and disapproval.
"You didn't chase me all this way because you wanted me back did you?" Kagome accused.
Instantly tears sprang to her eyes. Savagely she swiped them away. She wouldn't break down in his presence again. She was tough. She'd survived his mother, the loss of two children and had raised ten. She should be able to withstand a broken heart, particularly one that she had no hope of diverting.
"Kagome," his hand clutched her shoulder and forced her to lie still on his lap. She was still too weak and his youki would soon render her helpless. He had to do it. He had to tell her now.
Everything he would say to her now goes against his better judgment. But he thought it would be best this way, because he couldn't stand the hurt and pain he brought her, and he couldn't live with himself knowing that she hated him.
His father's vassal the old flea Myoga's warning had touched something deep within him. It felt as if his head and heart fought from that time, and his soul was the damaged battlefield. If this continued he may as well lose his heart and soul because he couldn't bear the pain that it caused him.
He looked at her and she looked at him while time shifted under them, the past and the present morphing into acute awareness.
"Just say it…I know that you have kept things from me, but denying me the truth will not make things better, "she said strongly, and he could see just how much effort it took for her to speak.
Kagome's gaze dropped to Sesshomaru's chest, she was having difficulty keeping her eyes open. And in time he spoke.
"The decisions that I have made have hurt you…And for that I will always regret. But I saw no better solution for our children and the individuals we worked so hard to save."
Kagome shook her head as sleep threatened to take away the few minutes of clarity she had left. Whatever reasons her mate had for infusing their auras earlier had started to take a serious toll on her energies. She forced her head up and listened.
"I had only one way to make sure that our endeavors were successful, and when the chance presented itself, I took it."
"What do you mean?" She queried thoughtfully, her voice low and thick with unease.
His hand left her shoulder and streamed through her hair in an effort to calm the anxiety.
He looked away for a few moments as he became aware that his mate's adoptive son still lurked close by. It's for the best he decided, and then he turned his attentions back on Kagome. "Information on the life of the emperor was my guide, and I would have been a fool not to use it when he and his advisors plotted and schemed behind my back. I coerced him into signing over his empire to his sister knowing that he would have no heirs."
Kagome's head came up in an instant, their eyes met and she gave him a long searching look; she blinked, unable to believe what she had just heard.
"Are you saying that you entered into this alliance to gain a new empire…You would use me, the princess just to get what you wanted?"
"Yes." He said it so easily and so simply that she could hardly believe it. He watched as a dozen different emotions flitted across her face like a slideshow, and for one brief moment he saw as she judged him.
He shrugged feeling unusual, never before what others thought of him made him uneasy, but this was different. What she considered of him affected him greatly.
"Kagome," her name rolled off his tongue like a groan. She pulled back and stared at him again, studying his face, seeking answers for unspoken questions.
He met her gaze. He was sorry but the answers would not be what she wanted to hear. "The alliance had one clause and that was the princess, though that is something I regret, she will become my bride and share my bed. "
Kagome eyes closed blinking back the bitter tears, unwilling to let them fall. She wanted to get up and leave his lap, but her body felt heavy, weighed down by her mate's youki and the extra burden of the pain in her heart. She gasped and looked away, the anger still raw, just as it had been on the night of his return.
She swallowed hard this time and felt the movement of her gulp travel all the way down her throat leaving her dry and breathless. The claws in her hair tickled her scalp playfully as her eyes dimmed even further.
"Did you ever love me?" She asked, broken by pain and doubtful now of something that she'd always took for granted.
He nodded yes.
"So why?" She responded on a sob.
It was precisely because of those feelings that he had to do this, he thought, but did not verbalize it.
At first it seemed to Kagome as if he might not answer; his mouth drew tight into a straight line. But then, as if forcing the words from his mouth he said: "Mate try to understand my position, no one else could do this, this land and the people that live in it are my responsibility…I have an obligation. The human kingdom will pass into my hands and I will change the laws, putting measures into place to stop the genocide."
His expression was inscrutable, the cool countenance of a protector she noted; and for the first time since his return she'd begun to understand the reasons behind all the hurt and frustration that she felt.
No more could she keep her eyes open, and her mouth refused to work, she blinked rapidly trying to drive the sleep away. Sesshomaru observed her distress. He had to tell her now how he really felt before she could not hear him.
He eased her up in his arms with his hands against her back for support and gazed at her face lovingly. His lips parted on a sigh. "Every time I look at you I wonder why me, why did the kamis bless me with you only to break our hearts?"
Kagome heard the pain in his voice as he'd spoken and knew that this was hard for him. He was trying to make her feel special, make amends to undo some of the damage that he'd caused, and a lonely tear fell from her eye. She was still hurt and angry, but now as she understood the issues clearer, she saw too that he was hurting just as badly.
Her body felt numb and she could barely lift her hand to touch his cheek, however, she managed to do so with great effort. He leaned into her hands and closed his eyes, savoring the softness of her light touch.
"I am sorry for all of us," she whispered.
He took her hand from his face, turned it over and kissed her palm. "Don't give into despair…Time…? He didn't get to finish the sentence, Kagome's mutterings stopped him.
"I love you and I always will, but I cannot be with you, not like this."
He curled her tired form onto his body and kissed her face, willing everything that was alive and good inside him onto her. He wanted her to feel how much she meant to him, and then tell her with words this one time what was true in his heart.
The wind picked and he looked through the treetops on the sunlight then back at her face again. Her eyes almost closed now but he could still see them as they glistened with tears. He took a breath to warm his frozen heart and his lips parted. "Before you I had thought that love was a foolish notion. I didn't want to believe that I could walk the path of my father," he smiled at himself. "I love you, these words are the truest I will ever speak...Without you I am nothing."
He couldn't tell whether or not she had heard his declaration, because he felt in the moments that he had spoken as her body slumped and she lost the battle with sleep. He didn't feel like letting go as he held her close and inhaled her scent, then Shippo stepped out from behind the bushes and he got up.
"Take care of your mother now that I cannot," he instructed as he glanced at him.
He kissed her soft lips one final time and handed his mate to the fox. As Shippo turned to go after nodding his answer of yes to him, he stopped him.
"Take this," he said, and in his hand he held out a finely crafted bracelet, "If my youki is unable to stabilize her when the time comes, clasped it around her wrist."
Shippo shook his head again and then left this time for good, carrying his mother's unconscious form back to their home in Edo. The Daiyoukai watched as his life moved further away until nothing remained. He looked up in the sky as a hawk squeaked loudly overhead, and then began his jouney back home silently, with a piece of him cleaved entirely from his chest.