A/N: Pre Always, Post Undead Again. This could've been a multi chapter fic, but I'm testing the water still. I'm too new as of yet for something that extensive. XD
–
"Surgery?" Beckett asked, her concern generously coating her words. "How serious?" They both took slow, long strides down the side walk, looking and listening for the hot scene Ryan and Espo just called them about. Seeing how close it was to the precinct he suggested they walk, seizing the opportunity to speak with her privately.
"Serious enough. Enough that I'm telling you about it, like this." She looked at him sideways, waiting to lock a look on him. Her eyes curved down and her lips pulled in, unsure of what to respond. "I'm gonna be fine," he said, dismissing her look. She turned away, but still couldn't shake off the sudden anxiety coursing through her.
"I mean…what happened is it…" she trailed off, eyes rounded out as she mused on what it could be. Before any coherent idea came out of her, he stopped her.
"If I tell you, you'll say no," he started. His steps came to a gradual stop, as hers did, before she turned to face him completely.
"Say no to what?"
"I want you…to be my medical proxy."
What? Did I hear that right?
"I'm sorry, what?" she asked taking a step towards him. He spoke more freely this time, more comfortable saying it after hearing it aloud.
"I want you to be my proxy."
"No–I heard you. I just…wh-why?" Her mouth dangled a little, her jaw moving slightly as if she had more to say, but she didn't. Awestruck. How many other alternatives did he have?
"My mother is too emotional, I can't expect her to make a rational decision knowing I'm under the knife. Same with Alexis. Plus she's not old enough to handle this responsibility." She looked away, struggling to process the magnitude of what he was asking of her.
"Castle I–I don't–me? Make a decision that could effectively kill you?"
"Or save me," he added fast, coupled with a snicker. "I'll be fine."
His attitude irked her in someway, triggering a forceful response. "So why are you asking for this, huh? You need me to be rational for a situation that's already under control? What's goin' on?" The demand for answers cut crisp in her voice. "We're not continuing this until you tell me."
A sigh escaped him after a moment, dragged out as he stared at her, her face expectant. He took a swig of his coffee and looked past her and around, avoiding her reaction when he told her.
"I've got an abnormal growth. It's benign, it's not cancer, but it's been affecting my back for some time now. My doctor wants it removed as soon as he can. I'm going in next week."
When his eyes met hers again, he discovered her change…her eyes hung, lips parted slightly. She almost looked confused, even though he was sure she wasn't. After letting several seconds pass she turned away, her eyebrows starting to furrow and lips starting to purse. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.
"We've had a lot going on lately, don't you think?"
"I don't care what case load we have, you need to tell me these things–"
"–I meant…between us, Kate."
When she returned her eyes he managed a faint smile, but she sucked in her top lip and bowed her head in embarrassment. How could she forget? She made a look to respond but before she could, Ryan and Esposito turned the corner.
"You guys draggin' your feet? Come on, we're all waiting for you," Espo said. Beckett's glance flicked toward Castle, wary about whether to disclose what they had talked about.
"It's my fault," he started. "I enjoyed the walk too much."
"Man we got a dead body and you're strolling on through the streets? It ain't like we've never seen them before," Espo said. Before anyone could say anything more they all started walking. With Espo at the lead and Beckett and Castle taking the back, both mentally preoccupied, Ryan assessed their demeanor trying to figure out what was going on.
–
Back at the precinct Castle avoided spending downtime with Beckett. After every group effort to put the pieces together, he'd wander off, find ways and reasons to be within reach but out of the area, namely Beckett's desk. The whole day she barely spoke to him.
After interrogating a suspect, Beckett started for the murder board, but she caught glimpse of Castle sitting in the break room by himself. Looking around her, checking for the others, she made her way to him, edging forward with clear reluctance all the way to the door. He acknowledged her with a smile, she having some difficulty returning one with the same brightness, as she closed the door and went to sit with him.
Silence occupied the air for several moments, but it didn't seem to bother either of them. The matter to worry about was what to say. Should she say yes? Agree? Did she have the right to do this after lying to him for so long? After what they'd just been through? Knowing all of that, why did he even ask her?
"How did Martha and Alexis react when you told them?" she said. This wasn't her main question she wanted answered, but she figured she could lead up to it from here.
"I told them I'd be fine. They're still scared. I think they're even more scared now that it's closer."
"You've known for some time now?" He just nodded at her. She bowed her head again, blanching her hands with firm rubs and teeth gnawing at her lips until raw. She couldn't hold it in anymore. "Why me? If not your mother or Alexis, of all people why me?" She came off more gentle this time around. He realized how surprised she was that he chose her, rather than anyone else. Although, it sounded silly to him.
Of course he chose her.
"I don't have anyone else," he said.
"Oh come on, now you're modest? You've got plenty of people to ask to do this."
"I know. You're right. But that doesn't mean I trust them." Oh. He trusted her. He trusted her. He still trusted her. "If there's anything I know I can trust you with before anyone else, it's my life. That belief I have, is why, and if that's not a good reason then I don't know what is." He met her eyes with a soft gaze, staring into the more tender face she wore now. A part of her wanted to cry. She knew things weren't completely right between them, but regardless, he wanted her there, playing an important role. A role that could decide whether he walked out of the hospital or not.
"I'll do it."
–
As the days drew closer to his surgery, Castle finally opened up to others at the precinct. He'd be due for leave and figured it was time to bring it to light. Of all of them, Gates didn't hide her joy knowing he'd be gone for a little while, but he knew she was hiding her sadness behind her smile and otter claps.
Beckett felt deep discomfort when she watched him talk to the boys about the surgery. The last night before he would leave they all talked about it after work, cracking jokes about him, musing on the idea of him losing his conspiracy theories and all his other crazy antics from going under. She knew he joked with them to downplay how serious it actually was, but she wondered if he felt scared…worried about the outcome, all things that actually could go wrong. She imagined that he tucked all these away in order to prepare himself better–to go in with a positive mindset rather than anything else. She admired his strength, but she worried how much of it held true.
"Listen guys I gotta go," Castle said getting up. He grabbed his jacket as he continued. "I'm due there pretty early tomorrow. And I can't drink anyway so."
"Look man you're gonna be fine," Espo said going for a bro hug.
"We'll drop by after work to see the damage done," Ryan said with a laugh. He went next, but as he patted Castle's back his eyes flashed at Beckett, trying to gage her feelings. After seeing how recluse she looked, he made a point to excuse himself and Espo. "Come on man, Douglas is waiting for us at The Old Haunt. We'll drink to you tonight Castle," he said as they both walked away.
Once they were out of earshot, Castle turned to her with questioning eyes. "You didn't tell them you're gonna be gone tomorrow."
She shrugged. "We don't want them to think more than what this is, right?" She spoke as if she didn't believe it herself, almost upset at this charade he wanted to play. His ears picked up on it, but he chose not to fight it. "I have to talk to Gates still, so."
"Are you staying the night?"
"Sure," she dismissed fast, not actually realizing what he said. After a second she shook her head, trying to shake off her haziness. "I won't be long."
Without another word he stepped off, and she watched him walk all the way until he got in the elevators to leave. With a trembling inhale and exhale, she sent herself into Gates' office, asking permission to talk. She began to explain the situation, assuring that she'd be gone only one day. With raised brows and shifty eyes, Gates replied in a way she didn't anticipate.
"How serious is this, Detective?"
Take aback by her response, she found herself scrambling for words to offer herself. "It's–well enough, sir. He expressed to me how much he wants me there and as his partner, I won't deny him."
"I hadn't doubted that," she started. "Just watching…from a distance."
Beckett sat on her words, guessing that that was her signal of approval, but also wondering if she had just subtly admitted to being concerned about Castle. Which it turns out, could only mean one thing.
This was worse than she thought.
–
Settling into the loft didn't take too much time. Martha had already prepared the extra room for Beckett, and it only became a matter of changing and getting ready for bed. Yet after being there for only twenty minutes, she realized how bad of an idea it was to stay. As she got ready for bed, she kept thinking about him, wanting to talk to him to see if he still sounded okay. She fought her desire with all of her might. To make matters worse, she overheard conversations she didn't want to hear, conversations only family ears should be privy to.
"Dad no, I'm going," she heard Alexis say from downstairs. "I'm a senior, it doesn't matter if I show up anymore. I want to be there," she continued in protest. He didn't want her there. Why?
"Alexis I know you still have things to take care of. I'm gonna be fin, sweetie. The only thing you'll end up doing is sitting around until it's done, and we both know your hands don't do well idle." Beckett, careful not to make a sound, peered from behind her door, looking to see what she could. Regretting another decision, something inside her fell as soon as she heard sniffling. She leaned against the doorframe, pained herself.
"Let her come for the morning Richard," Martha started stepping in. "I'll drop her off when it's time for her to leave and pick her up after school."
His sigh traveled all the way to Beckett's ears. She shook her head at him. He conceded in silence, and with it Alexis kissed him goodnight, along with Martha. As she started the steps Beckett pulled herself back into her room, hiding herself from view. After the door closed, the conversation still continued.
"Darling you have to stop this," Martha whispered. Her voice differed largely from her usual tone. She clearly had her concerns too. "I appreciate the brave face for us but you can't lie to me, I'm your mother. Please, act like you know what you're getting into."
"We've had this conversation mother. I appreciate it, I do. Okay? But we both need sleep. I'll see you in the morning."
Frustrated, she let out a heavy sigh of her own before heading upstairs as well. Every passing moment grew Beckett's concern. Should she talk to him? Should she confront his aloofness? What right did she have as his proxy to do so? As his friend?
She battled this as she tried to sleep that night, restless in her bed, fighting her mind to set her body at ease. After a couple hours she managed to knock out, but it only lasted for a short while. By four she was up, going downstairs for a bottle of water. When she stepped down the stairs, she failed to notice him in the dark, sitting back on the couch. He still sat wide awake, like he hadn't moved from the time Martha left. He recognized Beckett once she opened the fridge, startling her with her name.
"Dammit Castle," she said after grabbing a bottle and closing the door. He got up and walked over to the kitchen, taking a seat on the island. "Have you slept at all?" she asked twisting open her water. She made out a faint no from his lips, observant as she drank. She evaluated his state, his mental presence, where he was really. "Why are ya doin' this?" she asked. Her blunt delivery surprised him, an tone of anger underlying her words.
"What?"
"I heard you…earlier. With Alexis, and then Martha. They're worried, with valid concerns, and you're dismissing them."
"There are reasons for that," he said getting up to leave. Angered even more she went after him.
"Rick," she said pulling on his right arm. He turned, his eyes gleaming in the weak moonlight. She swallowed hard seeing it, continuing to clutch on his bicep. "You said you trust me. If there's something I need to know going into that hospital tomorrow, I need to know. Talk to me," she stressed.
He averted his eyes, then bowed his head, speaking in an even lower tone. "I didn't…I didn't stress to you how serious this is," he started. Her eyes leveled and lips thinned, bracing herself for whatever was next. "They're operating on my back…but it's close to my spinal cord."
"How close?" Her grip on his arm loosened as she awaited his reply.
"Enough."
–
The following day bore a difficult morning. All of them knowing what came next, they prepared in near silence aside from the opening of doors, drawers closing, cabinets banging, and so forth. The ride over, no one said a word. The seriousness of the occasion kept out any awkwardness, keeping the atmosphere more painful than anything else.
Arriving at the hospital, it took some time before he got called. After signing in, it was a matter of waiting to get rung up. When Martha and Alexis made a run for the cafeteria, Castle pulled Beckett aside, some shades of anxiety finally filling in his face. A pang reverberated inside her as her eyes scanned him from head to toe.
"I need to ask you something," he said, his tone trying to justify his hastiness. "If something happens to me–"
"–nothing will happen to you," her voice fought his. He shook his head at her, eyes curved in earnest, straight lips holding back any emotion trying to break out of him. "I'm gonna be fine. But if not–Alexis. I'm asking you again."
"I know. I will," she started. "But if you can prevent me from needing to do that, please do."
In a rush of emotions his arm wrapped around her for a hug. He held her as he held onto his tears, refusing to let them fall, even though they still did. She felt them drip onto her shoulder, managing to brush against the skin she had exposed. She closed her eyes to hold her own blood back, keeping them trapped under her lids. Neither loosened their grip until the nurse called for him. They both paused, exchanging looks of reluctance–him for going, and her for letting him go. The woman assured her she could stay with him after he finished pre-op, and only with this did she allow herself to release him.
After Alexis and Martha returned, all three girls sat in wait. He had yet to go under and this already felt awful. Thankfully, it took only about ten or so minutes before they could go back to stay with him. In the pre-op room they saw him joking around with the different nurses passing through to check on him, evaluate, and ask questions. Martha and Alexis took turns talking to him, but for the most part Beckett remained silent. Eventually the surgeon, Dr. Matthews, came to explain the procedure, doing her rounds to make sure they all felt secure about him being in her hands. When it time came for them to part, he still managed a smile, reassuring all of them again.
"It's gonna be okay," he said. "I love you," he said as both girls gave him a hug. "Can I have a minute with Beckett?"
They both nodded simultaneously before excusing themselves out of the room, Matthews included. Beckett approached him with meek steps, reaching for his hand when she drew near to his side. "You're gonna be fine," she said, almost convincing herself at the same time.
"I know," he said. He looked like he'd slipped into a daze the way he stared at her. "I just wanted to thank you."
"For what?"
"For being here. For doing this. Come here," he said beckoning her closer. When she bent her head, he went to hold her neck and pulled her in for a kiss. Startled at first, she embraced it after, setting her fingertips lightly onto his face. It seemed like forever before she let go. Even after she kept her face close to him, scared to move away. "Just in case…" he whispered.
She shut her eyes, her voice weakened as she said, "Castle no…" Her voice faded out, knowing what he was feeling. A moment later Matthews interrupted them, causing her to pick up her head, but still gripped to his hand.
"I'm sorry Mr. Castle, you're due for the OR now." Struck by reality again, he nodded to her and the nurses walked in to send him off. One of the boys looked to Beckett and pat her shoulder to give more reassurance.
"Don't worry Mrs. Castle, we'll get him back to you soon enough," the young man said. Beckett's face turned flush, starting to correct him and let go of his hand, but Castle intervened, securing her hand again as they wheeled him out.
"She's not my wife Sonny, she's just very fond of me," he said with a smile. She lost his grip shortly after, and for the first time in what seemed as forever, she managed to grin, shaking her head as she watched him go off.
What worried her was how long it would last.
–
The hours dragged on. They passed, time somehow knowing to slow, to take its time. Beckett knew, because she counted the minutes. She counted every moment that died, relieved little by little. Every passing hour her breath trembled as it escaped her, the knowledge that another hour passed without a decision to make, without a choice to dictate. Eventually Alexis left, and Martha shortly returned after that. Together they waited, mostly in peace up until the last hour before they expected to hear word from the doctor. It was only then that Martha opened discussion with her.
"Don't you want to eat dear? You've been sitting here without so much as caffeine in your system."
"I'm okay, Martha, thank you. I'd rather just wait until he's out." A sigh escaped her in response, causing Beckett to look over with curious eyes. "What's wrong?"
"You confuse me, Katherine Beckett." Her stunned look and lack of response kept Martha going. "You are the only woman I've ever known to turn down what she wants."
"I just can't eat like this, it's not–"
"I wasn't talking about food, darling."
Her mouth opened to speak but it couldn't grab the words. She couldn't articulate her feelings–hell, she didn't know what she felt. It didn't occur to her what they were, that is until the doctor came out to speak about Castle.
She started out okay, but then Matthews began coaching them for news unexpected. "Sometimes there's an overdose on the anesthesia, and depending on the patient, they can metabolize the drug differently. In Richard's case, his seems to be taking longer than usual. For what reason we don't know why–"
"What are you saying Dr. Matthews?" Martha cut her off.
He wouldn't wake up. He couldn't wake up.
He was in a coma.
–
Matthews encouraged them not to worry despite how alarming the situation sounded. She assured them that they would do everything in their power to help speed the process, but they both couldn't help it. Alexis collapsed into a mess when she returned, and the boys encountered heavy shock when they dropped by.
"Is he gonna be okay?" Ryan said as he and Espo conferred with Beckett.
"That's what they keep tellin' me," she said looking back into the room. Both of them exchanged glances with each other as they noted her distance, absence from the rest of the world, what was going on around her.
The three girls stayed there that night–patient as they waited for some kind of sign for him to wake. Miserable faces, sullen, furrowed brows and narrowed eyes, which were all fond of the floor or the ceiling. Beckett kept hers closed, eventually reaching a point where she couldn't look at him anymore. It hurt too much to see him like this.
With some time, Martha and Alexis fell asleep together on the sofa. Beckett took watch, pulling up a chair to sit close to him. She took his hand and sandwiched it between both of hers, bringing it to her face, closing her eyes as if in prayer. But she just talked to him, normally, like he could still hear her. She thought maybe he could. She thought that maybe…her voice could bring him back home, to all of them.
She hoped that more than anything.
"You shoulda seen Ryan and Espo. I haven't seen them that worried about you since the bank hold up," she said with a soft grin. It slid off her as she continued. "It was a different kind of worry this time though." She lifted one hand, tentative in her movement, and began to brush back his hair. Without warning, tears started to stream down her face. Was it the touch of him? Or seeing him like this? All she knew was the hurt. Inside her she had collapsed–a heavy darkness weighing her down, a pain moving in to govern her heart. So many thoughts overwhelmed her, and it all blurred out. "Don't do this," she pleaded through a hollow voice. "Don't do this to your mom…to your daughter. Don't do this to me, Rick. Fight it. Fight back. I might not have the right to ask you to…but please–still fight for me. I know it hasn't been easy to, especially for the last year…but I need my partner. Don't leave like this. Not like this."
Unable to speak anymore, she decided to sing to him
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
The tears fell harder and swifter as she continued to serenade him…
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…
Tears steam down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…
Still clutching his hand, she used her other to cup his cheek, lightly rubbing it with the pad of her thumb as she struggled to sing the last lines.
Lights will guide you home–and ignite your bones…and I will try to fix you.
With no energy left, she fell into sleep, holding him the rest of the night.
–
Waking up the next day, she absorbed the bright beams of sun casting through the window. It inhibited her sight for a few seconds before she saw him looking down at her. She sprung up in light of his consciousness, her mouth agape and eyes wide to fully process the moment.
"You snore, did you know that?" Instinctively going to hit him, she felt her hand she sought to use slip out of his, then stopping herself all together in realization.
She breathed out sharply, a smirk left behind on her lips as she stared at him. "You're okay," she heard herself say, processing it in her head over and over, convincing her mind again.
"Like I said, right?"
"Mm," she hummed with a slow nod. "Have you talked to the doctor? Do they know what did it?"
"No clue," he started while sitting up more,"but you know what that doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm fine."
She smiled, patting his hand in agreement. She felt herself holding her gaze for too long, but he didn't seem to mind. "I'm gonna call the guys, let them know you're okay."
After nodding at her she stepped just outside the door, going to call Ryan and Espo. As she listened to the dial tone, she heard Castle singing from the room. When she looked at him his eyes were closed, and he looked at peace. When she made sense of what he was singing, a tightness filled her chest–but not of fear, anxiety, anger, or any other worrisome type of feeling. It was something so much more, but inexplicable.
"Lights will guide you home…and ignite your bones…and I will try to fix you."