A/N: Fulfilling a headcanon of mine (nothing original I'm sure): Caskett, Ryan and Esposito visit Montgomery together on one designated day out of the year. Sometimes they do Father's Day, sometimes they do his birthday. Usually they go on the anniversary of his death. Every year they have something new to update him with. Some details may not be realistic, but they're just personal anyway.
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Rick woke to Kate fussing over the kitchen around eight. He managed to get little sleep the night before, but he knew his wife had it worse…he was sensitive to her tossing and turning, her moments of consciousness and moments of unconsciousness which were scrambled up, hazy, and just about the same as each other. Her rest was weak and he understood. He couldn't talk her out of it, or console her enough to rest well. She just had to pull through it.
Like they did every year.
In the kitchen, Kate vigorously cleaned up the counters, the sink, the floor, and everything else she could get her hands on. When Rick walked out, he saw her in her yellow gloves, hair slicked back into a lazy bun, and face polished with sweat. She cleaned with an absent mind–her eyes distant and wide like she looked beyond what lay before her. Even when he got near her she didn't notice right away.
One glance at him and she stopped completely. "Hey," she said.
"Hey. Whatcha doin'?"
"Just sprucing up the kitchen a little," she said looking around. As she did he walked close to her, starting to remove her gloves.
"A little is a poor word choice hon," he said letting down her hair. "We still have a couple hours before we have to leave. Come back to bed."
"I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. Plus I have to get the kids ready," she said starting to shy away from him. He held onto her hand to stop her, brought her instead to the couch, lying her down as he kneeled beside her.
"I'll get them ready. Just try even for a half hour, hm? I'll wake you up with some time to get ready yourself. Or not," he said grinning. She clutched the collar of his shirt, eyes worn and weak but conveyed a look of gratitude. He kissed her hand and then her forehead like he understood. "It's what I'm here for."
As hard as it was, she did try to sleep, even for just a couple minutes...if that's all she could get.
The sun beat down bright when they arrived at the cemetery. No clouds in sight. It made for good weather, not worrying about how long they could stay before a storm hit, or if it got too cold, especially for the little ones.
RJ was five now, more insistent than ever to stay with his parents. He always asked the questions-ones particularly hard to answer and explain to him, but Rick and Kate did their best. Haley was nearing three, and with her smarts and mobility, she found herself in situations more often than older brother. Watching over them on such sacred grounds would be some task, but thankfully Ryan and Esposito loved looking after them too.
"There's our favorite guy," Espo said when they met up at the parking lot.
"Hey-I thought I was your favorite guy?" Rick asked opening the back passenger door.
"You were," Ryan started. "Like five years ago."
"Don't worry we still like you, sorta," Espo said. He swept little Castle up, looking at him, assessing how much he'd changed since the last time they saw him-even if it was only a week ago. "You gettin' tall man," he continued. Kate just smiled watching the boys with her boy, making eyes at Rick as he got Haley out of her car seat.
"Yeah," Ryan agreed, "soon enough you'll be able to come to work with us, show you the ropes, huh?" At their encouragement, RJ looked over at his mother with hopeful eyes.
"Mama can I? Can I go with Uncle Kev and Uncle Javi?" he pleaded.
Her lips scrunched, holding back a smile that she knew he might take as a sign of approval. "Someday, bud. We'll go together, so mama can make sure your goofy uncles won't get you into any trouble."
"Beckett!" They both said in unison. Before they could say anything else, she cut them off.
"Need I remind you of the taser incident?" she asked, arms folded and one brow cocked.
"I still have the marks guys," Rick said bouncing Haley and closing the door.
"Yeah, another reason why I need to be there. Okay?"
Ryan, Espo, and RJ all looked at each other before answering. "Okay."
Walking to the grave took little time as they all talked. When they reached it they all sat down, half a circle formed around it. Ryan set down the flowers and beer he'd been carrying against the tombstone, making sure the epithet could still be visible. A moment in silence passed, with the exception of Haley's babbles often hushed by Rick. Eventually they all started talking, like Montgomery was there with them.
They recalled the last time they visited, comparing it to the nicer day before them. About halfway through their last visit, an unexpected storm poured down on them, cutting it shorter than planned. Today was better. Perfect, as they all agreed.
Most of the news came from Espo and Ryan. Espo was now expecting his first child, and Ryan his third. They joked about the likelihood that they'd end up being born on the same day.
Kate took the responsibility to tell him about his family. She kept in touch as much as she could, making sure the girls were doing okay. She expected that they'd visit him today too, and give him more details than she could relay.
Most of the conversation relied on memories. "I remember when's," and "remember that time's." They spent an hour at least just talking about origin stories, first times, and cases that demanded going out for a "cold one" or two afterward. What made things all the more entertaining was trying to filter out any inappropriate topics whilst still continuing the story, for the sake of the kids.
For some time they escaped into a reality where he was still alive. Each of them formulated a response he might've said to the things they talked about, and more often than not their responses were all the same. He lived inside each of them. He went on that way. It became more that he was still alive, they just couldn't see him anymore.
As the minutes drew on, the emotions set in. They all knew the longer they stayed, the more likely they'd resort to tears. The first to fight this was Espo. He lead in being the first to leave-but not before patting the top of the tombstone. He bid the rest goodbye without a tear to shed, but they all knew in his own privacy he'd deal with his emotions.
"Are you sad for your friend Uncle Javi?" RJ asked when he went to leave. Espo smiled at him and pat his head before urging him to go back to Kate.
"I'm not sad for him, little man. I'm sad because he's not with us, but I'm happy that he can rest."
Ryan went next. He did let some tears fall, but he kept them controlled, flicking them away as they dropped from his eyes. He held the tombstone for a few seconds, nodding at Rick and Kate afterward. He managed a smile and wave at Haley, then a fist bump with RJ before he took off. "I'll see you guys."
The Castle's didn't leave right away. It happened this way most of the time. Kate would sit closer, Rick beside her, both of them trying to make peace with themselves.
Among all the memories they could remember, his last few moments with them stuck out above them all. Both softly cried, meditating on all of it, all of the pain that still haunted them. Kate held onto her boy, arms cradled around his neck as she leaned her head against his. He sought to comfort her, holding onto her arm and wiping the tears that trailed her face.
"You know why we call you RJ bud?" Kate asked looking at him sideways. He nodded no. "You are Roy Jameson Castle."
"Just like him?" He asked pointing to the stone.
"Mmhm," she said, sniffling still. "Daddy wanted it that way."
The little boy looked over at his father, whose eyes were rimmed red also as he embraced his daughter for comfort. "Why daddy?"
"It's funny...when we first brought you home to everyone, even sometimes now, everyone sees RJ and thinks you're Richard Jr. But when you were born, I wanted you to have a great name, the best name, one people would see as a hero's. Him," he said pointing at the stone, "he is...the bravest man I've ever known."
"What did he do?"
"Well...a long time ago he helped save mommy. I know her because of him, and I still have her because of him. He protected her life with his. And you know how much I love mommy, right?" RJ just nodded. "That's why we named you Roy Jameson-because I'm so thankful for all he did, and because he's a hero to me." He looked at his son, the boy now looking at the grave more fondly. He stood up and walked over, going to the stone to trace his finger over Roy.
"That's so cool..." He muttered under his breath. Hearing him, Kate and Rick looked at each other, grinning with delight. "Does Haley have that too?" he wondered, his tone hopeful, almost worried that she didn't.
"Haley Johanna Castle," Rick said with a tone of assurance.
"Like gramma Johanna?" he asked grinning.
"Yeah, just like gramma."
"She is the bravest woman I've ever known," Kate added. RJ bugged out in amusement and amazement. But after a few moments he bowed his head, a pouting face as he walked back over to his mother. "What baby?" she asked opening her arms for him.
"I wish I could meet them," he said. The sadness in his voice pierced through both Rick and Kate, welling up their eyes again as they stood up to leave.
"We know bud," Rick said patting his hand on his son's shoulder.
Kate grabbed for his hand and said, "us too."
Late that night trying to relieve themselves with some wine, Rick and Kate sat together on the couch. Some residue of melancholy lingered, but they tried to move past it. For a while they ignored it by talking about other things, but eventually they came down to talking about what kept them up this time of the year...that night in the hanger.
"Do you dream about it still?" she asked. He smiled, but she saw the pain residing in it too. "Do you think we'll ever get over it?"
"I don't think it's something to get over," he started. "One time a year, with rare occurrences in between, were reminded of what happened that night. Why? Because we lost a friend. We lost a family member. A father. A brother. He died unjustly, and we will never swallow the injustice done to him. But we can revere his nobility, his death for a cause, his sacrifice to right a wrong. If we get over it, who will go on to tell of his heroic ways? I mean, did you see the look on your son's face? How happy he was to know that he's named after someone like Roy Montgomery?" She looked around her, thinking, pondering on her feelings.
"I just feel the responsibility. Years later it still...it still gets to me, you know? Don't you feel that?"
He sighed, bowing his head and lifting it up again with pained eyes. "Yes. I do. Those gunshots are with me, Kate."
"Exactly," she enthused, setting her glass down, "exactly my point."
"But he made a decision. He made a decision on his life, and he stood his ground defending what he believed in. You didn't put him in the line of fire, honey. He walked there himself, because he wanted to protect you."
"But they wanted me, Rick! They wanted me," she started getting hysterical, "my life, not his life." He grabbed for her hands to hold her steady, her muscles now convulsing with anger.
"I know. They wanted a life, yours, but they got his instead. And it's not because they couldn't get to you, or because you didn't stop them soon enough. It happened because he chose, he chose to stand in their way, because he loved you, like a daughter, and would rather die for something he did than for you to."
Her sore eyes bred more tears as he continued to calm her. "He called me there that night. He knew, he was so sure, he said to me 'Rick-I have no doubt I'm going to go tonight.' I insisted to go, to help him. He told me 'no, you're gonna come to protect her. You're gonna watch over her through the rest of this mess.' He made me promise that to him.
"He told me that you would blame yourself, but to never let you do it, because he expressed that he was choosing to make this stand. He said, 'somewhere along the way I know you two will be together, so until she finds and arrests the son of a bitch who killed her mom, you stand by her and guard her, and you never let her think for a second that any of this is her fault.'"
She just stared at him, looking for the story, looking for the lie, what he often used to cheer her up, but he was serious. He had said all those things to him, didn't he?
"Why are you only bringing this up now?" she said through a hollow voice.
"I figured I should save it for a bad trip. You were good today but...He said the guilt gets worse over time." She wiped her face before pushing him backward to lie down, joining him tucked under his arms and head under his chin. He pressed his lips with fervor over her head, snuggling her just a little bit tighter in his arms.
"How do you deal with the guilt?" she asked looking up at him.
"Well...I convince myself it happened for a reason. I remember that I had to respect his decision, and because of that decision, we wouldn't be where we are. I suffocate the guilt with gratitude-because I'm thankful for what he did. Always. When I wake up in the morning and I can look at you, I'm thankful. Or when I see RJ and Hales playing together in the afternoon, still thankful. What he did was the greatest gift I could ever ask for from anyone."
"What about my shooting? How does me getting shot and almost dying not negate any of it?"
"We got a lead out of that didn't we? It took time, but we did. And Josh saved you then, and I'm thankful for that too, but I'm sure as hell not naming any of our children after him."
A chuckle flew out of her mouth without warning, uncontrolled, all natural. He smiled too, but more for hearing the relief from her. She cleared her throat after, a weak smirk leftover on her face. "Everything led us to here, huh?" she spoke low.
"Don't you think so?"
She closed her eyes and bit her lip at the thought, images of the Captain running through her head. Some from the precinct, some from bar. But amidst them all, he was smiling at her. She smiled back, like he was standing right in front of her. "I still miss him. Every day."
"Me too...but he knows," he said closing his eyes.
And for the first night all week, they both managed to sleep well until the morning.