I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Two
"Oh, my head." Naruto rubbed her skull and groaned. "What hit me?"
"I did." Naruto glanced down and spotted Rumiko dragging her by her ankle. The blond grinned broadly at the other woman.
"How's your hand?"
"Tender," the dark haired woman gritted. She let go of her and Naruto climbed to her feet, noticing that she was in the waiting room of her office.
"So, how'd you know it was a clone doing the paperwork?"
"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Rumiko asked as she pushed the newly repaired door to Naruto's office open. Naruto followed and stared at her clone. He was leaning back in her chair with his feet up on her desk and a bottle of her sake in his hand.
"So, what happened buddy?"
"I told her," the shadow clone stated.
"What." Naruto said flatly.
"Pft. I'm not doing your paper work for you," the clone stated as he took a sip.
"This is mutiny!" Naruto roared, at least as well as her female body allowed her to. "How dare you betray your own sub-conscious?"
"Quit being a drama queen, it's not like I turned you over to the enemy," the clone stated with a role of his eyes. "Besides, I'm you, so what makes you think I'm going to do your paperwork for you while you run off and play?" With that, the clone had the common sense to dispel himself. Naruto pouted and stalked around her desk to collapse in her seat.
"Remind me to look into some kind of loyalty seal." When no comment was forthcoming, Naruto looked up at noticed that Rumiko was rather fixated on something just below the blonde's neckline. Naruto arched her back and pressed her breasts tightly against her tank top. "See something you like?"
"Yes," Rumiko stated bluntly, her cheeks turning a nice crimson color. Naruto sighed in annoyance and leaned over slightly to grab a stack of papers, inadvertently giving Rumiko a perfect view down her shirt.
"You know, if you would just let me use my clones, I could get all this work done in no time." There was no reply again. Naruto glanced up. "Your nose is bleeding."
"Shut up."
"My eyes are up here, Rumiko."
"I'm not interested in your eyes."
"Touché." Naruto dropped the technique and Rumiko pouted.
"If you're going to be such a pain in my ass, at least you could give me some eye candy."
"Sorry," Naruto replied. "So, clone, paperwork, deal?"
"I'm still looking up the legality of having a clone sign paperwork," Rumiko stated. "Besides, as he just proved, your clones aren't the most stable at times. Oh, and speaking of paperwork. . ." She held up a form. Naruto read it quickly.
"I already denied that request," he stated. "See, it's got my stamp."
"Actually, the stamp is what I don't like," Rumiko replied.
"It says: Fuck Y. . ."
"I know what it says," Rumiko growled. "Fuck you, does not equal denied."
"Does in my book." Rumiko sighed in annoyance. "Sakura!"
"What?"
"Sakura's in the village!" Naruto stated as he rocketed out of his seat. "Shit. How did I forget that? How hard did you hit me?"
"Pretty hard," Rumiko replied. "Who's Sakura?" A knock at the door interrupted Naruto's explanation. "One second." Rumiko opened the door and Naruto saw a flash of pink.
(:ii:)
"Sakura!" Sakura managed a squeak of surprise as she was wrapped in a tight hug.
"Naruto?" The blonde pulled back and grinned at her.
"Hi Sakura!" Sakura couldn't help herself as her eyes flashed down quickly and back up to Naruto's face. Well, someone had certainly grown. "Come on in." Naruto turned and led Sakura into a massive office. He sat down on the desk and waved a hand absently at a chair. Sakura managed to make it to the chair and sat down rather hard.
"Naruto?"
"Yep."
"So, he's a guy now?" Kaori asked. Naruto glanced up and stared at the three younger women standing behind Sakura.
"You had kids?"
"They're not mine!" Sakura snapped. "Do I look like I had three kids? Answer that and die." Naruto's jaw clicked shut.
"So, then, you're. . .a. . .you're a jonin?"
"Yes."
"Oh, congratulations!" Sakura had to smile at him. Grown up, maybe. Wised up, no chance in hell.
"Hey, wait a minute. What are you doing here?" Sakura demanded. "I was told that this was the village leader's office."
"It is," Naruto stated. He glanced over his shoulder at the dark haired woman who had decked him out in the street. "Meet Rumiko, our boss."
"It's a pleasure to meet you," Sakura stated formally.
"Like wise," Rumiko replied. Sakura took a moment to carefully gather her thoughts.
"Do you mind if we talk in private?" she asked finally. Naruto glanced around the office quickly and nodded.
"Sure, Rumiko can watch your genin."
"That's right, tell your boss what to do, why don't you?" Rumiko asked as she walked around the desk and sat luxuriously in the plush, leather, high-backed chair behind it.
"Don't worry, she's used to dealing with immature brats."
"You know, cock blocking my dates is bad, but cock blocking my potshots at you is worse," Rumiko grumbled. Naruto just grinned and quickly led Sakura out of the office.
"Are they going to be okay?"
"I'm sure Rumiko will be just fine," Naruto stated.
"What about my genin?"
"So, how about a drink?" Naruto asked.
"Sure, why not?" Sakura asked. "Happy Hour just started."
"Silly Sakura. In this village, Happy Hour never ends."
(:ii:)
Rumiko leaned back in Naruto's chair and bit back a gasp. How the hell could anything be so damned comfortable? "Don't touch that!"
"I was just looking!" the loudmouthed one snapped as she jerked her hand back from the sword she had been about to grab.
"Show some respect!" the girl's twin snarled. "She's like the Hokage!" Someone knocked and the door opened to reveal Yui.
"Hey Rumiko, where's Naruto? I have some papers he needs to sign." Rumiko pinched the bridge of her nose and raised an eyebrow as a bottle of sake tumbled into her lap from somewhere. She took a sip and noticed, to her relief that the twins were arguing and hadn't heard Yui. "Why are you in Naruto's chair?"
"He's up to something."
"So, Naruto is the leader?" Rumiko nearly leapt out of her skin as she spun to see the third member of the genin team. The girl had been so quiet that Rumiko had forgotten she was there.
"Jesus. Are you really a genin?"
"Yes," the girl stated.
"Wait, Naruto told the pink-haired chick you were the boss?"
"Like I said, he's up to something," Rumiko replied. She stared at the quiet genin coldly. "Mention this to anyone before Naruto mentions it and you'll end up like Larry, Curly and Moe."
"Who?" the girl asked.
"The three guys at the gate," Rumiko stated. "That's an old family technique."
"You did that?" Yui asked. "That's a neat genjutsu."
"Actually, it's a ninjutsu," Rumiko replied. "They're actually. . ."
"Lalalala!" Yui shouted as she stuck her fingers in her ears. "I can't hear you because I don't want to know!"
"Oh." Rumiko pouted. She may not have been a braggart, but she did like to explain her family's forbidden jutsu.
"Hey, can I sit down?" Yui asked suddenly.
"Sure," Rumiko replied, waving a hand at the chairs in front of Naruto's desk.
"Actually, I kind of met. . ." Yui made a few vague hand gestures and Rumiko understood.
"Sure." She pushed herself against the arm rest and Yui squished in beside her. The chair was actually big enough for the both of them, but Rumiko wasn't going to give up the chance of having Naruto's cutie assistant, and her former teammate, half sitting in her lap.
"Wow."
"Yeah," Rumiko agreed, her thoughts more on Yui's nice, firm ass than the chair.
"I bet boss would like to see this."
"Nah, he's way too protective of this chair."
"True."
"Oops." Rumiko glanced up to see one of Naruto's swords embedded in the floor next a pile of very important papers.
(:ii:)
Naruto led the way through the bustling streets by as many back paths as he could. It just wouldn't do to have someone spoil his ruse. "This seems like a really nice place," Sakura commented.
"I see you've heard those rumors about this place being a den of iniquity and full of missing nin, eh?"
"It isn't?"
"Well, that gets kind of complicated," Naruto stated. "Really, only about half a percent of the people around us are missing nin."
"Then who are these people?"
"Refugees and vacationers," Naruto answered. He led his former teammate into one of his favorite watering holes for when he didn't feel like company. Inside it was comfortingly gloomy and Naruto led the way to his table.
"What about all the missing nin that were recruited during the war?" Sakura pressed.
"Well, they're hardly missing nin now," Naruto answered.
"It must be stressful for Rumiko," Sakura commented. "I couldn't imagine having to lead people I couldn't trust."
"What makes you think Rumiko doesn't trust them?"
"They're missing nin, Naruto," Sakura stated. "They betrayed their villages."
"Some villages are worth betraying," Naruto replied. "Besides, not all missing nin are horrible people. Most of the ones in this village are just happy to have a place they can settle down in and not have to worry about bounty hunters or ANBU."
"If they just wanted to settle down, then why didn't they stay with their villages?" Sakura asked.
"There are plenty of reasons," Naruto answered. "Did you know, most missing nin leave their village as genin?"
"Really?"
"Really," Naruto stated. "They leave because they're just kids; cocky, arrogant kids. They have trouble with authority or they think that they're being held back. That's why it's often the geniuses who leave." They both fell silent, lost in memories of another genius who had left his village as a genin. Naruto nearly jumped when Sakura reached across the table and took his hand.
"I really missed you, Naruto."
"I missed you too." Naruto had to smile. He really had missed her. "So, you're a jonin with your own genin team now. I bet you're an amazing medic too." Sakura blushed slightly, just enough for it to show in the darkness.
"What about you?" she asked. "Tsunade told me you were studying under a great seal master." Naruto felt his eye tick as he habitually rubbed his wrist.
"Yeah, that prick." Naruto was saved from further explanation when a waitress came tripping up to their table.
"Hey Naruto!"
"Hey." Naruto had no idea what her name was. "What do you want to eat, Sakura?"
"What's good?"
"I don't know," Naruto admitted. "I've never been here for anything other than booze."
(:ii:)
Rumiko glanced up as the door to the office opened and Naruto walked in. "You get that pink-haired chick to the inn?"
"Yeah. Thanks for arranging that," Naruto stated.
"I just needed to get those brats out of my hair," Rumiko stated.
"Ah." Naruto made a vague gesture and Rumiko scrambled out of his chair. He strolled around his desk and stared down at the piece of furniture for a moment.
"How big is your ass? It looks like two people were sitting in my chair." Rumiko, despite her casual attitude in dealing with her boss, knew the man could slaughter her on a whim and so decided to take the shot in stride.
"Fuck you." Naruto sat down and began filling out a few papers. "What happened?"
"Huh?"
"You're actually doing paperwork," Rumiko pointed out, "and I was kind of expecting you not to come back tonight." Naruto shot her a grin and pulled out two bottles. Rumiko accepted one and sat on the edge of his desk. "She's an old friend, huh?"
"In a way, yes." Naruto leaned back in his chair. "I feel something when I see her."
"Something?" Rumiko asked, genuinely intrigued. "Ooh. Is the big bad Forest Fox going to be making googly eyes at the new chick?" Naruto laughed at that.
"Probably not," he stated. "Besides, this is more affection. I see her and I remember all the people I left behind. I haven't thought of them in so long. I want to see them again." He trailed off for a moment. "The people I left behind," he repeated. "Ah, these memories. It can be so confusing some times."
"Well," Rumiko commented, "I can't really blame you. I feel something myself when I look at her."
"I noticed those too," Naruto commented. "I guess she's a late bloomer, but when she bloomed, woo, she really bloomed."
"You mean she didn't always have that pair of cantaloupes strapped to her chest?" Rumiko asked.
"Nope. Maybe she ended up taking after her teacher."
"Who?"
"Tsunade."
"The Legendary Sucker?"
"Yep," Naruto replied. "If Sakura has cantaloupes, Tsunade has got fucking watermelons." Rumiko pondered that for a little while.
"I have really got to meet that lady."
"How can you be such a boob hound when you see a pair in the mirror every day?" Naruto wondered.
"Oh, don't get me wrong, my boobs are spectacular, but they're still just my boobs. It's not as much fun playing with your own." Naruto finished his sake and pulled out a big glass bottle of old Land of Snow vodka.
"I've got nothing to say that." He uncapped the bottle and took a long swallow. "Ooh."
"So, what'd she want?" Naruto stared at her for a moment. "You didn't ask?"
"Heh." Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly and he grinned at her.
"She didn't say?"
"Heh." Rumiko sighed and finished half of her bottle before reaching for the vodka.
"You know, people don't tend to bring genin teams on social calls."
"Heh."
"Why did you tell her I was the boss?"
"You know I play my cards close to the vest," Naruto stated.
"What if someone talks?"
"No one in this village will talk to an outsider like that," Naruto stated. "Everyone here is too scared of me."
"Some might say loyal," Rumiko commented.
"They're scared," Naruto corrected. "Everyone's scared of me."
"Even me?" Rumiko asked.
"Especially you," Naruto stated as he climbed to his feet quickly, looming over the smaller woman. "You're too smart to not be utterly terrified of me." Rumiko snorted and pushed him back so she could take another drink. Naruto grinned cheerfully at her response and glanced back at the papers on his desk. "Anything major happening?"
"Takumi's back." Naruto's grin seemed to grow even bigger, subtly too big for his face, and quit a few teeth suddenly ended in points.
"Really?"
"Takumi!" The doors burst open and a white-haired boy stumbled in.
"I did it this time!" he declared as he pulled out a storage scroll. "I definitely assassinated the right guy!" He pricked his finger and ran it along the scroll. There was a poof of smoke and Naruto's office was suddenly filled with severed heads. "He has got to be here! I went to the village you told me about and killed every single person there."
"Well, that's one way of doing it," Naruto commented. "Is that a horse head?"
"I killed all the animals too, just in case," Takumi stated.
"You know," Rumiko began, "you would be killed for this in any other village."
"Good thing we don't live there, eh?" Naruto asked as he dug out his Bingo book and flipped to the proper page before beginning to sift through the heads in search of the one that would prove Takumi could kill everyone and his target instead of just everyone except his target like last time.
"I'm really beginning to wonder," Rumiko replied.
(:ii:)
"You didn't tell me that Naruto was such a fox!" Sakura coughed roughly as she tried to gasp and drink at the same time.
"That's one way of putting it," she squeaked. "So, you think he's a cutie, eh?"
"He is so far beyond cute!" Kaori stated. "Did you two have fun?"
"Yes. It was good catching up with him," Sakura replied, ignoring her genin's blunt innuendo. "You two didn't cause any trouble for Rumiko, did you?"
"Are you kidding?" Kaori asked. "She's responsible for Larry, Curly and Moe!"
"Who?"
"The three heads at the gate," Haruka explained. "She said she'd do that to us after the idiot nearly cut a stack of papers in half with a sword."
"I wasn't anywhere near that when it happened," Kaori protested.
"You were holding the sword!" Haruka snapped.
"When are we leaving?" Sakura fought every instinct not to jump. She hated when Satomi did that.
"Leaving?"
"Yes," Satomi replied. "We're here to tell Naruto that he has been recalled. You did tell him at some point in the five hours you were together, right?" Sakura managed not to look too sheepish.
"I'll tell him tomorrow."
"Sensei's got a crush!" Sakura couldn't be held responsible for the punch that put her genin to bed early that night. She was only human after all and humans had limits to what they could endure.
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Yo. Considering how many people took time to write in with reviews and even PMs, it seemed like kind of a dick move not to put up another chapter of this. Of course, me being a dick and all, it was tempting.
A lot of people commented on the similarities of this and the B-stories. It was intentional. I consider the B-stories to be a bit of a culmination of my humor. It only made sense for this to be similar so that new readers understood just where this was going. I have always been a fan of the sink or swim approach. Either you like it or you don't. If you don't, you probably aren't going to suddenly like it later.
In other news. I just had another birthday and had to renew my driver's license. Kind of sucks. When I hit eighteen I had been smoking for two years. When I hit twenty-one I had been drinking for about five years. Seems like birthdays only mean you're getting older. After I could buy my own booze, what else was there to look forward to? Social security? Bullshit. There isn't going to be social security by the time I'd be old enough to collect. Well, that and I'm probably going to die before sixty. My death will be loud, flashy, spectacular, traumatic and preempted by the words "Hey guys, watch this!"