I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Six:
"God damn it," Rumiko growled as she turned off Naruto's alarm. She looked around the room and rested one hand on the mattress. It was too cold for anyone to have been in it recently. Rumiko sat down and tried to figure out where her boss was. "The roof!" The idiot had tried hiding up there a few times years ago and ending up there after a night of drinking still wasn't completely unheard of.
Rumiko opened the doors to the balcony and easily leapt the short distance from Naruto's top floor penthouse suite to the roof. What she saw nearly sent her tumbling as she stumbled to a stop. "Oh that just figures."
Her boss was sprawled flat on his back with his old teammate curled up against his side. Rumiko hesitated as she investigated the scene. Either they had had the energy to get dressed after having their fun, rather unlikely from what Rumiko had heard; or, Naruto had discovered some new way of doing the deed while fully dressed, which was not completely unlikely. A third option popped up, but it seemed the least likely of all; that being that they hadn't done anything further and get drunk and pass out together.
It was time to solve this little conundrum. "Wake the fuck up!"
(:ii:)
Naruto opened his eyes and stared at the sky overhead. His head throbbed and he felt around for one of the bottles he had grabbed last night. "Looking for this?" Naruto lifted his head and saw Rumiko, one hand on her hip and the other holding up his last bottle. "You know, drinking doesn't cure hangovers."
"No, but being drunk cures everything," Naruto countered. He spotted another bottle nearby and grabbed it, only to be disappointed by its lack of contents. 'How many bottles did we. . .' His thoughts trailed off as an arm around his ribs squeezed him. There was only one person who could logically be beside him. "Rumiko?"
"Yeah?"
"Who's holding me?"
"Who do you think?"
"I was afraid of that." Naruto looked down and stared at the mop of pink hair on his chest. Oh, so not good. Sakura stirred and Naruto tried desperately to squirm out of her grasp, only to find that damn near impossible. "Fuck. I forgot how strong she was."
"She does have a good grip," Rumiko agreed as she handed over the bottle. Naruto finished it off as Sakura grumbled something and raised her head to stare at him with bleary, half-open green eyes.
"Morning." Sakura's eyes widened and she jumped to her feet so quick that she nearly slammed into Rumiko.
"Careful," the dark haired woman offered, steadying her fellow kunoichi while covertly coping a feel. It probably would have fooled anyone but Naruto.
"This isn't what it looks like!" Sakura declared.
"I know," Rumiko replied. Sakura stared at her for a moment.
"You do?"
"Well, actually, this looks exactly like what it is," Rumiko stated. "If it was what you were thinking, you'd both be naked and there'd be at least one other woman up here." Sakura glanced down at Naruto who grinned bashfully and shrugged.
"I'm more than most women can handle by themselves," he stated as he climbed to his feet. "So, what's with the wake up call, Rumiko?"
"You two are three hours late," Rumiko stated. "Her genin have been raising hell in my office."
"My genin?" Sakura asked.
"Okay, only the one genin," Rumiko replied. "The other two are being pretty quiet, but I think they're pissed."
"That'd be loud twin of course," Naruto commented.
"Loud twin?" Rumiko and Sakura repeated in unison.
"Sure! There's loud twin, quiet twin, and not-a-twin."
"They have names," Sakura stated.
"I'm sure they do, but now they have easier to remember names."
"You're kidding, right?" Sakura asked.
"I wish he was," Rumiko replied. "Used to be, he couldn't be bothered to remember names, so he gave everyone nicknames."
"What was hers?"
"Rug Muncher. Ow! What was that for?"
"Idiot," Rumiko grumbled as she rubbed her knuckles. "Now, if we're through, I think you two have a journey to start."
"Right." Naruto walked to the edge of the roof and dropped down to his balcony with Sakura in tow. At least he had remembered to pack last night. "Now where the hell did I put that headband?"
"It's right here." Naruto turned to see Sakura holding a headband, but not the right one.
"That's not it."
"What?" Sakura looked down at the metal plate bolted to the headband and nearly dropped it. "Is this yours?"
"Yup."
"You can't own a headband from another village!" Sakura yelled.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We already went over this with my tattoo." Sakura sighed in annoyance before looking back down at the band.
"What village is this?"
"It's the Village Hidden in the Snow," Naruto explained. "After the war with Earth, we changed our name and location to the Village Hidden in the Springs and adopted our new symbol."
"We?" Naruto went back to hunting for his headband so Sakura wouldn't see him scowl. Being sneaky wasn't his specialty. Being loud and flashy was his specialty.
"Why don't you head over to Rumiko's office?" he asked. "I need to get changed into my op clothes and you need to shut up loud twin."
"We are going to sit down and have a long talk," Sakura stated as she walked to the balcony, "and we are going to do it very soon, as in the moment I'm sure Rumiko isn't going to kill my genin."
(:ii:)
"Where the hell have you been?" Haruka smacked her sister before Sakura could.
"Don't talk to your sensei like that!"
"She's late!" Kaori whined.
"I can't believe you haven't killed them yet," Rumiko commented from behind her desk.
"I had to put up with Naruto for years," Sakura replied.
"Good point." Rumiko promptly snatched up the sword Kaori was playing with and sat back down. "What is with you and swords?"
"Swords are cool," Kaori replied. "So, where were you sensei?"
"I was going over a few things with Naruto," Sakura stated. She noted Satomi staring at her. "What?" Satomi kept staring for a second longer than necessary before answering.
"Nothing."
"So you noticed that vein, huh?" Kaori asked.
"What vein?" Sakura demanded.
"You have a vein in your forehead that bulges when you lie," Kaori answered.
"You noticed that?" Satomi asked in shock. "How did you notice that?"
"I pay attention," Kaori stated.
"You don't pay attention to anything," Haruka stated. "You barely managed to graduate from the academy."
"Don't you dare start with the. . ."
"Dead last, huh?" Sakura turned and saw Naruto crouched in the window sill. He had traded in his khakis, blue flip flops and orange button down for tiger striped BDU trousers, black jika-tabi and a green undershirt.
"Yeah," Kaori snapped defensively, "so?"
"So, nothing," Naruto replied as he stepped into the office and moved to a cabinet against the far wall. "I was dead last." Kaori froze in mid-gesture.
"You were?"
"Yep."
"But, you're. . .you're good."
"I'm the best," Naruto corrected. He glanced at Satomi as he pulled a green chest rig from one of the cabinets and began checking its pouches. "That would make you the head of the class, right?"
"Right," Satomi stated.
"Ah." Sakura was surprised by how quiet it suddenly way. Bringing up Kaori's less than stellar academic performance usually led to hours of tirades about book worms and such.
"You were really dead last?" Kaori asked.
"Yep." Naruto pulled on his rig. He also pulled out a katana and checked its edge before strapping it to his back. Kaori stared at him for a moment. "What?"
"Nothing." Sakura had to smile. She had tried explaining to Kaori that one of the best ninja she knew had been the dead last in his class, but apparently, seeing was believing. Naruto paused and produced a bottle from somewhere.
"I grabbed that vodka for Tsunade."
"I forgot all about that," Sakura admitted.
"You managed to make it from the liquor store to here without opening it," Rumiko commented. "I am impressed."
"I don't drink on missions," Naruto stated as he stretched. "You know that."
"Oh, right. Guess that explains why you can walk in a strait line."
"Ha ha," Naruto deadpanned. "Stay out of my sake while I'm gone."
"No promises," Rumiko shot back.
"Fine." Naruto crossed to the door and paused to look back at Sakura. "What?"
"It's just weird to see you without any oran. . ." she was cut off by the door bursting open and slamming into Naruto.
"Where's Naruto?" Yukie asked.
"Try behind the door," Rumiko suggested. Yukie closed the door and stared at the blond.
"Your nose is bleeding."
"You suck Yukie," Naruto grunted. A balled up paper bounced off his head.
"Don't tell your daimyo she sucks," Rumiko ordered. "God knows there are enough rumors going around about you and her already."
"Big deal. There're rumors about me and just about every woman in this village," Naruto commented.
"Yeah, but this one is one of the few that are actually bullshit."
"Good point."
(:ii:)
Naruto grumbled as he pinched his nose and tried not to bleed on his clothes. "Damn it. I hope this is good Yukie."
"I think so," Yukie replied as she produced a package from behind her back. "I realized that you'd be gone for your birthday, so I figured I'd give you this now."
"Ooh." Naruto snatched up the package and tore into it eagerly. He was left holding a long leather trench coat. "Wow. Where did you get orange leather?"
"Orange cows of course," Yukie replied.
"Ah, of course." Naruto pulled the coat on and smoothed down its lapels. "Fits perfect." He turned back to Sakura. "You were saying something?"
"Never mind," the pink haired woman stated as she pinched the bridge of her nose.
"What do you think?"
"It's very. . .orange," Rumiko offered. "Very, very orange."
"Isn't it great?" Naruto shot his cuffs giddily.
"You're Yukie Fujikaze!" loud twin squealed suddenly.
"I'm going to smack you if you ask for an autograph!" quiet twin snapped. Loud twin hesitated, one hand already in her equipment pouch.
"Uh. . ."
"Of course I'll sign an autograph," Yukie stated. "It's no trouble."
"Thank you!" loud twin sniveled.
"Could I get one too then?" quiet twin asked hesitantly.
"Okay, everybody out! You can beg for autographs where I'm not doing paperwork!" Rumiko snapped. "Except you Pinky!" Naruto shrugged and followed his daimyo out the door.
"So, are you going to do any more Icha Icha movies?" Kaori asked.
"No," Yukie stated. "My advisors say that the new turn the books have taken isn't fit for a daimyo and I have to agree." Naruto grinned and lit a cigarette. "Maybe if you'd tone down the sex."
"Those damn books are selling for the sex," Naruto countered. "Although, I must admit, I never expected so many of my readers to be women."
"You write the Icha Icha novels?" not-a-twin asked.
"Yep," Naruto replied proudly. Not-a-twin glanced around awkwardly for a second before producing an orange book.
"Could. . .could you sign this, please."
"How old are you?"
"It's not mine!" Not-a-twin shrieked. "It's my dad's. I want you to sign it for him!"
"Sure."
(:ii:)
Sakura frowned as she heard someone screaming. That sounded an awful lot like Satomi, but Satomi never screamed. "So, what's this about Rumiko?"
"Naruto," Rumiko said flatly. "Do not let him stop drinking."
"Huh?"
"I said, do not let him stop drinking," Rumiko repeated. "I don't care if you have to toast his old teacher, make him drink." Sakura stared at the woman.
"What the hell is this about?" Sakura demanded.
"This is about you surviving the trip back to your village," Rumiko stated. "Do not let him stop drinking or smoking. Oh, and really don't let him stop fucking."
"Huh?" Sakura managed again.
"I don't care if you have to fuck him yourself." Sakura began to sputter something, but Rumiko cut her off. "Shut up. Listen, Naruto has two modes. One is a party boy. You want that Naruto. That Naruto likes to drink, smoke, fuck, and engage in occasional malicious mischief. Those vices keep his attention away from his other vice."
"And what's his other vice?" Sakura asked.
"Well, to be quite frank, his other vice is killing. That man out there is the living embodiment of death and destruction."
"This is about the fox, isn't it?" Sakura asked, a sudden understanding flooding her.
"You know about him?" Rumiko asked in shock.
"I'm Naruto's teammate, I know all about that damn demon locked up in his gut," Sakura stated. Rumiko snorted.
"I'll let you in on a little secret," she stated, "the fox isn't in his stomach any more." She glanced up at the door.
"What is that supposed to. . ."
"Get out of here before I say something bad and Naruto decides to kill me." Sakura hesitated at the very real fear in Rumiko's voice.
"Well, okay." Sakura pushed the door open and stepped out into the hallway beyond.
"Ready to go?" Naruto asked.
"More than ready," Sakura stated. "This is one weird village."
"It's not as weird as you might think."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Alright, sorry about last week. Life guarding is a summer job and it is now summer. At least the money's good. Even with my drinking I've save enough for my next tattoo, which I'm getting slapped on Thursday. If anybody lives in the Tri-State area, I suggest Explosive Tattoos. They're expensive, but they do damn good work.
Anyway, this will be my last update for a few weeks. It's that time of the year again, when the military reminds you that you signed the contract and they can tell you to go where every they want. This time I'm heading for California. Cross country flight. Well, that's what the duty free shop is for I guess. I'll be there for a few weeks and I'll try to update as soon as I get back.
Until then, thanks for reading.
-Jack