I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Ten:
"I can't believe that we have a train all to ourselves!" Kaori squealed.
"Enjoy it," Naruto replied. "All it cost was a couple hundred people's lives." Kaori hesitated for a second before settling into her seat.
"You can be such a killjoy," she grumbled.
"Your joy-fu is simply weak grasshopper," Naruto shot back. He glanced out the window and grinned. "Hey, Sakura!"
"What?" Sakura snapped, jerking awake and looking around wildly for an enemy.
"Still not over last night?" Naruto asked.
"No," Sakura said blandly. "Now, what is it Naruto?"
"Have a look outside. Does that bridge look familiar?" Sakura glanced out the window and quickly shied back.
"That's a long drop." Naruto glanced down into the valley they were passing over.
"Scared of heights?"
"No, I'm scared of being stuck in a giant metal coffin going over heights," Sakura replied. She took a deep, calming breath and looked out the window again. "That bridge does look vaguely familiar."
"Well, the last time you saw it, it was pretty badly trashed," Naruto hinted. Sakura's eyes widened as she recognized the bridge where Naruto and Orochimaru had fought years before.
"So, we're in Grass Country?"
"About half an hour to the boarder with Fire," Naruto replied.
"Why was the bridge trashed?" Kaori asked.
"You don't have to get involved with every conversation going on around you," Haruka sniped.
"The bridge was trashed because I trashed it," Naruto answered, quickly heading off the fight before it could begin. Rumiko would have had kittens if she had seen how many fights he had been intervening in lately. Naruto Uzumaki, Mediator of Family Disputes. That was just too damned weird. "I was fighting a really powerful bad guy. You know that crater we passed a ways back?"
"You caused that?" Satomi asked. "That crater was a mile in diameter." Naruto just grinned at her bashfully. "You actually aren't all talk, are you?"
"Not by half."
"You're one of those walking weapons of mass destruction my dad railed against when I told him I wanted to be a ninja, aren't you?"
"Don't be silly," Naruto stated. "That implies that there are other people on this planet even close to my level."
(:ii:)
"We're almost home!" Kaori cheered. "The first thing I'm going to do is. . ."
"Go to a debriefing," Haruka interrupted. The loud twin nearly stumbled over her own feet.
"Huh?"
"We have to go to a debriefing," Haruka stated.
"Can't that wait?" Kaori whined.
"Don't those two ever shut up?" Naruto wondered.
"Says the man from the Village Hidden in the Never-Ending Bar Fight," Sakura commented.
"The fights in my village usually don't involve shrill, high-pitched screaming matches," Naruto countered. "Well, unless Yui gets involved."
"There it is!" Naruto glanced up and stared at the walled village in the distance.
"Home," Sakura commented. "Right, Naruto?"
"Huh," Naruto grunted. There was a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. He could feel it rising, faster and faster until. . . "Bwa-hahahahaha!"
"And now he breaks down into evil cackles," Satomi deadpanned. "I think I'm just going to go on ahead."
"I'm going with her," Haruka added quickly.
"Uh. . .Naruto?" Sakura asked as the two genin walked away at speed.
"I'm. . .happy to be back?" Naruto replied. Sakura and Kaori continued to stare at him. "What?"
"You really are some kind of crazy, violent dictator, aren't you?" Kaori asked.
"I'm not a dictator, I was elected," Naruto corrected. "Now, if we don't hurry, we'll miss happy hour!" Sakura watched her teammate saunter off in the direction two of her genin had gone.
"Sensei?"
"Yeah?"
"Naruto's really cool, but sometimes I think he's kind of scary," Kaori commented.
"Yeah." Sakura sighed in annoyance. "Come on, time to go follow the scary nutcase before he runs off to play in some bar instead of going to a debriefing."
"Is letting him run off really such a bad idea?" Kaori asked. Sakura hesitated and considered that. "I mean, do we really need to have him with us for the mission debrief?"
"You know what? I don't think we do."
"Sounds good to me!"
(:ii:)
Haruka looked up at the gates of her village and sighed in relief. "Home."
"It is nice to be back," Satomi allowed.
"Meh, looks boring." Both girls jumped and turned to stare at the man between them that had not been there a few seconds ago.
"When did you. . ." Haruka sputtered.
"Just now," Naruto interrupted.
"How?" Satomi managed. She, for one, was not used to being snuck up on.
"I walked," Naruto answered. Satomi stared at the man in shock for a second before frowning. She glanced back into the village and studied Hokage Mountain for a moment before turning back to Naruto. "You are annoyingly observant."
"What?" Haruka asked. Too shocked to say anything, Satomi just pointed at the monument. Her teammate glanced at the monument for a second. "I don't get it." She turned back and her jaw dropped. "You're the Fourth. . ." Naruto clamped a hand over the girl's mouth and grinned brightly at a couple people walking past them into the village.
"You know, when you discover something very important, you should try not to blurt it out," he stated. "And no, I'm not."
"You look just like him," Satomi stated.
"Trust me, me and that fucker, no relation," Naruto stated. "Actually, I really hate that guy. He screwed me over bad. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something of incredible importance to do." He promptly strolled through the gates, brushed past the gaping guards, and disappeared into the village.
"You saw it, right?" Haruka asked.
"The only difference was the whisker marks," Satomi confirmed. "Even the hair style was the same. On a side note, did we just get snuck up on by a man dressed in bright orange?"
"Why are you two standing here like you just saw a ghost?" They both turned and saw their sensei standing behind them.
"Nothing," they stated in unison.
"Does this nothing have something to do with Naruto?" Sakura pressed.
"Maybe," Haruka allowed after a moment. Sakura sighed in annoyance.
"Which way did he go?"
"He said he had something of incredible importance to do," Satomi answered. "Is he going to report to the Hokage?"
"Nope," Sakura replied.
"What's more important than reporting to the Hokage?" Haruka asked.
"To Naruto? Ramen."
(:ii:)
Naruto stared suspiciously down at the steaming bowl that had been placed in front of him. "I can't believe you're finally back!" the waitress exclaimed happily. "You are back, right?"
"Sorry, Ayame. I'm only here temporarily," Naruto stated.
"Damn. You know, when you left, our business was halved," Ayame commented. Naruto chuckled and slurped a big mouthful of ramen. "Are you okay?"
"Yes," Naruto managed to squeak.
"Are you crying?" Ayame pressed.
"No. Maybe. Yes. It really is that good!" Naruto declared as he shed manly tears of joy.
"I take it you want more."
"As many as possible, me dear!"
(:ii:)
"So, what are we going to tell her about Naruto?" Haruka asked as Sakura led her team through the halls of the Hokage's Tower.
"What do you mean?"
"What are we going to tell her about why he's not here?" Haruka simplified.
"We'll tell her he's out getting ramen," Sakura stated. "She'll understand."
"She'll understand that he is skipping out a meeting with the Hokage in order to get ramen?" Satomi asked.
"Pretty much," Sakura replied. They walked into the antechamber. "Hey Shizune."
"Sakura," the older woman returned. "Can I take it that Naruto's back in the village?"
"He is," Sakura replied. Shizune's face split into a wide grin.
"Out getting ramen, I assume." She didn't even bother waiting for a response. "Go on in." Sakura nodded her thanks and pushed open the doors to the Hokage's office.
"We're. . ."
"Where's Naruto?" Tsunade demanded.
"Where do you think?" Sakura shot back. The blond stared at her for a moment before realization donned on her features.
"Ramen?" she asked.
"Probably." Tsunade sat down heavily and blew out an annoyed sigh.
"I don't think I've ever been passed over for a cup of noodles." She glanced up at Sakura. "Anything to report?"
"You could say that."
(:ii:)
"Here we are." Naruto managed to stagger up the familiar stairway towards the Hokage's office. After he tripped a third time, on the fourth step no less, he decided that he really didn't like stairs, though he wasn't really in any shape to jump up to the windows.
"Naruto?" Naruto glanced up and stared at the dark-haired woman at the top of the stairs. "Oh my God, it is you!" She tramped down the stairs and wrapped him in a big hug. Naruto squeezed her back automatically before holding her at arm's length.
"Shizune?" She gave him a bright smile and Naruto gave her another squeeze before staggering to the bottom of the staircase. It was much better to walk down them before he managed to fall down them.
"Are you drunk?"
"Mmmmaybe," Naruto admitted.
"You do know that Sakura's team reported in hours ago don't you?" Naruto frowned. Had it been hours? He had stumbled upon a rather shady watering hole near Ichiraku's and had a few drinks. Things got a little fuzzy, but a good time had been had by all. Well, maybe not all, but he had certainly had fun. "You are drunk!"
"A little," Naruto replied. He held her at arms length again before pulling her into another tight hug. "It's great to see you again." The blond felt the building tension leave the woman's frame. Let it never be said that Naruto didn't know what made women tick, or at least how to defuse them. "Is Granny up there?"
"She and Sakura went out drinking to talk about things away from her Genin team," Shizune answered.
"Well then my dear! We must find you wayward Hokage!"
"You're using this as an excuse to go barhopping with me as your guide, aren't you?" Shizune asked dryly in a moment of clarity.
"Silly woman, I have no need to make excuses for my drinking!" He slung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her tight to him. "I do need a guide though. Now off we go! Tallyho!"
(:ii:)
"You don't understand, Sensei. He's so different."
"He blew me off to get ramen," Tsunade pointed out as she put away another bottle. "Sounds like Naruto to me."
"Maybe you should slow down," Sakura suggested. The older blond was swaying in her seat like a ship at sea.
"No way!" Tsunade announced. "It's Friday!"
"It's Tuesday," Sakura corrected. Her sensei stared at her for a long few seconds.
"Really?"
"Yeah." Tsunade stared at the bottle in her hand for a moment before shrugging and finishing it. Sakura sighed and sipped her own saucer at a much more sedate pace. That was when the door to the kunoichi bar burst open. She spun and sighed in annoyance as she saw Naruto stagger in with a red-faced Shizune at his side. "Oh, damn." Naruto quickly spotted her and waved energetically, nearly knocking himself and Shizune off their feet.
"Hi Sakura!" Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt a migraine come on. She stood quickly and made her way over.
"How much have you had to drink?"
"He has drunk more than Tsunade ever has in one night," Shizune stated.
"Wow," Sakura admitted. The dark haired woman shrugged off Naruto's arm and stepped forward to stare Sakura in the eye.
"No, you don't understand. The amount of alcohol he has in his system right now would have knocked Tsunade out hours ago." Sakura actually contemplated that and she had to admit that that amount of alcohol did boggle the mind.
"Hey, we're looking for Granny, have you see her?" Naruto slurred.
"Yeah, she's over there."
"No? Well, guess we'd better get a few drinks and continue on."
"I said she was over there!" Sakura snapped.
"Oh, here she comes."
"Naruto!" Sakura watched in detached horror as her sensei grabbed Naruto around the neck and shoved his head into her impressive cleavage. At that moment, she decided that she really could just walk away.
"Lady Tsunade! That's not appropriate! Sakura, help me!"
"Damn it," Sakura murmured. "I'm sure she'll let go eventually. Besides, Naruto's probably enjoying himself." Naruto managed to flash her a thumbs up before putting his hands on Tsunade's shoulders and trying to push her away. It took about a minute for him to realize that he couldn't get away and he began to flail in panic. Sakura stepped in and tried to tug on Tsunade's arm, only to frown. "Wow, she's really got a good hold." Suddenly Tsunade jumped and giggled.
"Naruto, you naughty boy!" The other blond managed to escape and gasped for air.
"What did you just do?" Sakura asked.
"I did what I had to do!" Naruto snapped back between wheezes. "Uh, I think she's about to pass out." Shizune managed to get an arm around the Hokage before she hit the floor. "Wow, she's wasted. What do the villagers think?"
"You're joking, right?" Sakura asked. "Have you got her Shizune?"
"Yeah, I got her," Shizune replied. "Have you got him?"
"He's still moving under his own power," Sakura stated with a shrug. Shizune stared at Naruto for a moment before shrugging and dragging her befuddled mentor out of the bar. "How many bars have you hit up?"
"A few," Naruto replied. "Well, a few more than I knew were in this village." He looked around. "Is this a lesbian bar?"
"I would smack you if you weren't so drunk," Sakura replied. Naruto staggered to the table she had been sharing with Tsunade and began sorting through the bottles. "This is a kunoichi bar Naruto." Naruto just ignored her as he found a full bottle and took a sip. "Have you even found a place to stay yet? I mean, you know your old place is condemned, right?"
"Well, it was when I lived there," Naruto answered. He finished his bottle and began looking for another one.
"So, you need any help?"
"No, I'm good. I just need to find a nice young lady friend."
"And how are you planning on doing that in your condition?" Sakura asked.
"Watch the master at work," Naruto stated. "And pay attention, you might learn something grasshopper." He spun suddenly and stabbed his finger at a woman sitting alone by the window. "You! Can I interest you in a night of carnal pleasures?"
"You really think you can go all night?" the woman asked with an amused smirk. Naruto stared at her for a moment.
"Oh, sorry. I forgot this isn't my village. You see, in my village, when I ask a lady for her company, she usually asks one or more of her friends to come along. I'm a bit much for most women to handle by themselves."
"You talk a good game, kiddo. I guess I can give you a shot." Sakura watched as the two strolled out before pinching the bridge of her nose as she felt her migraine gaining force. Of all the women in the Village Hidden in the Leaves, Naruto would pick Anko Mitarashi.
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Holy shit, what a week. On top of my bronchitis, which cleared up after I bought a pack of cigarettes (give me a break people, I haven't smoked in a month), my little brother got sick. Now, that's not entirely unusual. He doesn't handle being sick very well, so I kind of dismissed his whining. Then I get a call at work saying that he's in the hospital. That was when I figured it might be serious. He's home now, no worse for the wear.
Anyway, as usual, I didn't have the most time to proofread, so there are errors. Feel free to point them out, but don't forget to mention what you think of the chapter. Those 'you misspelled this word, haha!' reviews aren't really all that helpful in the long run. Come to think of it, they aren't all that great in the short run either.