CHAPTER TWO
I awoke a while later, the pain my head back down to a dull ache. I looked around and started. It was just such a shock to wake in a different room, and in the royal palace at that.
This is a future you might have had... the thought came unbiddingly. If I hadn't been such a disappointment. If my father hadn't been so cruel. If my mother had been a sidhe. So many ifs, but I needed to focus on what was. I crawled out of bed and looked out the window, and gasped again.
It was dark outside. How late was it? Was the feast still going on? Did I miss it?
"Deirdre," a voice hissed from behind me. I whirled around at my name and froze at the sight. Nonononono. Why is he here?
"Father," I finally managed. He looked none too happy.
"The word of King Cyrus' daughter is spreading fast. I was rather pleased to hear that... and then I received word she had been sleeping all day," He started.
"Father, I can explain. I don't know-" I tried, but he cut me off.
"You have such a small window of time. Do not waste it. Do not fail me, girl. The Prince needs to be in love with you before the time of Cyrus' departure," Father said sharply.
"But I don't know how long I can keep this up, this spell on the King and the guards. It makes me weak," I said in a low voice, trying to not betray my terror at his words.
"Then you better die trying, because if you fail, you will have failed me, and I will be less than kind at your return," the Elder spat at me, and without another word, he disappeared, leaving me alone in my chambers.
Suddenly my room seemed too big and cold and not beautiful anymore. It seemed so lonely.
I was so lonely.
My heart started to pound. My breath came shuddering. I couldn't be in here anymore. I fled my room and into a dimly lit hall. I slept through the feast. Oh my God, how could I do that? I grabbed my aching head and without a thought, ran blindly through the corriders. I felt like I was being chased, but from what I did not know.
I've wasted so much time. Cyrus wasn't going to stay here more than a couple of days, and I've slept away such precious time!
My feet had a mind of their own and they pounded hard against the stone floor. My lungs screamed for air but I could bring myself to complete a breath. How do I fix this? I've got to figure out how to fix this. I turned a corner and I hit something that felt like a brick wall, but was actually a man. He caught my arms before I fell back.
"Sorry," I gasped, and I tried to pull away, but he held strong.
"My lady, what is wrong?" He asked me, and I looked up at him. It was Merlin, face scrunched in concern. Tears had started to fall down my face and I hadn't even noticed yet. I felt them now, sliding fast down my cheeks. I opened my mouth to say something- though I had no idea what, when we heard the sound of footsteps from down the hall.
"Hide me," I whispered. Merlin pursed his lips, giving me a particularly hard look and I begged him with my wide eyes. Please, please...
Silently, he grabbed my armed and guided me around the corner I just came, and then pulled me into a dark crevice of the hall. He held me close and covered my mouth to quiet my breathing.
It was just some guards. They passed us, paying us no attention. I fell against him and his arms tightened around me, to hold me up. I've never been in an embrace before. I've never been held this close before. I closed my eyes.
I felt his steady heart against my cheek. I felt his chest rise up and down with each even breath. I tried to match my own breath to his and when I finally could I pulled away.
I just stood there, ashamed. I didn't know what to say. These panic attacks have plagued me through the years, but I always was alone, or the pixie would fix me something to calm me down. And now this servant boy who was already suspicious of me had witnessed one of my worst ones yet.
"What's wrong?" Merlin asked again, gently. He bent down to catch my eyes. I could resist looking into this trusting brown eyes before breaking away.
I brushed away my tears with my arm. "I wasn't woken for the feast. My father was mad," I admitted to him, my voice still a little shaky. A voice in the back of my mind told me to be quiet, but I was too unraveled to listen.
"He was the one who asked to leave you," He replied slowly, doubtfully. Suspicion replacing concern like a drop of a hat. I swallowed, realizing my mistake. I was going to ruin this all in my first night! My father even said he had been pleased with me. I truly mess everything up.
I shook my head. "There is so much pressure on me the next couple of days here. My father is just annoyed that I didn't get to spend time with the Prince tonight. He... he has dreams of a courtship and forming a great ally through our marriage."
"Don't tell anyone I've told you this," I suddenly put in. I know I should not have, but it felt so good to confide in someone. Even if I was only partially confiding in someone. I added, "I just feel like... I can trust you. You have a trusting face." Those big brown eyes don't hurt either.
Merlin looked away, blushing slightly. "It is my pleasure to serve you, even if it's just a listening ear."
"Thank you. I can see why the Prince is so fond of you," I said, and it's true. Father mentioned he favored his manservant, but I couldn't fathom why. Until now.
"Ah, that's where you're wrong. I'm the worst servant ever and he's made sure to tell me this everyday," Merlin laughed, his distrustful look leaving his face.
"From what I hear, where you fail as a servant, you succeed as a friend," I replied. Father mentioned this boy to me, how there was a unusual bond between the two.
The blush returned. "Is that what they say?"
I nodded. "I apologizing for burdaning you with my anxieties, Merlin. I know you were told to serve me, but I'm sure you never expected to find me as distraught as I was. That's never happened here, I'm sure. It's not very becoming," I sighed wistfully.
Merlin suddenly looked resigned, like he'd given up on something. His attitude confused me. "Don't worry, my lady, you're secret is safe with me."
My eyebrows shot up. "You won't tell anyone?"
"And please, Merlin, call me Deirdre. I don't even feel like much a princess around you anymore," I sighed again. Embarrassment had replaced the anxiety crushing my chest.
"Oh, don't belittle yourself, my lady. Trust me, I've seen some royal tantrums in my days here," Merlin said with a twinkle in his eye, causing me to laugh.
"Still. Call me Deirdre," I smiled, his laugh infectious. My hand went up to rub my temple subconsciencely, and it occurred to me that as long as I have the spell on the King, the pain would stay there.
"As you wish," Merlin told me, and then he watched as I rubbed my forehead. "Does your head still hurt you?" He asked, eyebrows knitting back to concern. I could tell he had a good heart, because even though he felt suspicious about me, he still cared, and it was a struggle for him.
"It's nothing, really," I tried, acting like I was smoothing my skirts down now.
"For how long has it ached?"
"It started on the trip. It's nothing, really," I repeated myself.
Merlin opened his mouth and I had a feeling he was going to suggest something from Gaius, "I suppose I should go back... wherever back is," I looked over my shoulder. I think I came from that direction. "Thank you again, Merlin," I smiled warmly at him.
I turned to walk back to my chambers when he laughed, "You're going the wrong way!"
"Oh... care to point me the right way?" I asked, turning back around.
"Follow me," Merlin said, and I did. "You managed to make your way halfway around the castle," he commented, as he turned a corrider.
A sheepish look came across my face, before lighting up in excitement as I saw a door marked 'library'. I stopped, longing to go in. Merlin heard my sudden intake of breath and looked back.
"Oh!" I exclaimed, touching the door. My heart pounded again, but for a different reason. I didn't own very many books back at my hut in the woods, nor have I read many, but it was truly my favorite thing to do. To escape reality and live in a different world for a couple of hours was undescribeable.
"This would be around the time Geoffrey's fallen asleep on his desk, a pile of books his pillow," Merlin said with a voice thick with suggestion. I looked at him, not daring to believe what he was offering.
"I will take the Lady to find a couple books for some light reading before bed," He reiterated what he was doing.
My voice broke out in a grin. "Oh Merlin, would you? I've never been in a library!"
His eyes dimmed a bit, but in my state I didn't even noticed. He pressed a finger to his lips and quietly opened the door. I followed him in. True enough, a man was sprawled in a pile of books, snoring slightly. I wanted to giggle at that, but then my eyes caught the rows and rows of books. I must have stopped breathing for a second.
I walked a couple rows back, eyes open with awe, and then I jumped as a loud clattering sound echoed the massive room.
"Who's there?" A voice called, rather thick with sleep. There was a noise of a chair scraping against the floor. The man was getting up!
"Merlin!" I whispered, bewildered. I didn't know where he went. I bent down, hoping- did Merlin say Geoffrey?- hoping he didn't see me.
"Deirdre," I heard my name, lower than a whisper. I turned around and saw Merlin. He motioned me over to him and he took off, farther into maze of shelves. He took me a section and pulled a book down. He grabbed my arm, pulling me to the shelf, and then it started to move. A secret room! How excitement lit me up faster than a torch.
"Arthur would have my head if he knew you were in here," Merlin announced, wringing his hands worriedly, but I wasn't listening as I took in the room that surrounded me.
"There is a secret passage! This is marvelous," I exclaimed, "Does it lead anywhere?"
There was more shelves of books, a desk, trunks, and my eyes found a dark opening, causing my heart to practically leap out of my chest.
"There!" I said, and Merlin followed my pointing finger.
"I haven't even noticed that there," He said in disbelief, face tightening.
"Can we go! Please!" I begged with too much energy, eyes searching his face for a sign of 'yes'.
But instead Merlin looked uncomfortable. "I don't..." Merlin trailed off, uncertainly. "I shouldn't have even brought you in here."
I could feel my face fell, and as quickly as it did, I tried to replace with an understanding look. "That's okay, Merlin. I understand." I can also just come without you. The thought came unbiddenly. I looked at the flooring, a feeling of guilt swirling in my stomach. I can't let this princess story get to my head, especially since I am so far from one.
But Merlin pursed his lips. Perhaps my thought wrote itself all over my face without my permission as well!
"You will probably just come back without me," He accused, but it wasn't in an angry tone.
I pretended to think a moment. "Yeah... yeah, probably," I answered honestly, with a shrug.
"Fine," Merlin huffed, and tredged toward the dark hall. Excitement lit my face again and with near giddiness, I trailed after him, but somehow managed to take the lead while actually in the tunnel.
There was no fire, and it got dark much more quick than I imagined it would, from the dimly lit room they were previously in. I saw nothing but black and it sent nerves through my stomach.
"Merlin?" I barely whispered, but it cut through the darkness with no barriers and echoed off every nook and cranny like it was a shout, causing me to slightly flinch.
"Behind you," he said, brushing my shoulder, and relief filled me.
"Good. Stay close," I commanded, and he did. I felt him behind me.
"We probably shouldn't be doing this," Merlin said, in a low voice, but I could tell he was trying to hide excitement as well.
"Yeah," I admitted with a smile that no one could see. I added, "I just wish there was light."
I heard Merlin mutter something, but before I could ask him to repeat himself, my shoulder bumped the wall, and it guarded us around a corner. Light seeped through a crack in a wall ahead and a sigh left me.
"I was almost regretting this decision," I admitted softly, still not liking how my voice echoed off the walls.
"But where does this lead us to?" Merlin asked, finally letting curiousity enter his voice.
"Head back, Merlin. I'll tell you in the morning," I suggested, not wanting him to get in trouble in case it lead somewhere we weren't suppose to be. Well. Where there was other people.
There was a silence. It drew out, making me uncomfortable. Had I done said something wrong? "No, I'll be fine. I've been caught doing worse," Merlin finally replied.
I nodded once, not that he could see, and crept up to the light-framed door. I tried to peek out of the cracks, but it was too bright- but not as bright as I would imagine a lit candle to look. I slowly pushed and it spinned like the one in the library.
The relief I felt in me at the sight of a full moon through a window was overpowering. I looked around the moonlit room and realized however it was a bedroom.
"This is Arthur's room," Merlin breathed in my ear, and I saw his finger put to the bed. He walked around me and looked back, pressing a finger to his lips. And then he promptly hit the corner of the table, causing it to screech loudly.
There was sudden movement in the bed and I ducked down behind a chair. I saw Merlin do the same by the table. I heard Arthur's feet hit the ground and he demanded, "Who's there?"
The moonlight filled window bursted open, startling me and King Arthur both. He held something that looked long, and most likely deadly with his skill, in his hands. Merlin tried to make a move of escape, but it was too soon. Arthur wheeled around, catching him.
"What are you doing?" Arthur asked, surprised to find his manservant standing there. Merlin stood there, paralyzed. "I'm waiting."
"I-I thought I heard something. Coming from your room," he stammered.
"What are you even still up for?" Arthur asked, tone filled with suspicious.
"A draft for Morgana. She requested it. I was on my way back from her room," Merlin lied a bit better this time, but I still couldn't breath for him.
"And you thought you could defend me? With what?"
Merlin shrugged. "I'd defend you with my last breath."
"You'd defend me... with your last breath?-"
"Till! Till! Till!" he tried to correct himself. I had to hold back my giggle.
"You are so weird. Get out!" Arthur yelled, throwing whatever that was in his hand at Merlin. He managed to dodge it and he quickly ran out. Leaving just me.
Arthur mumbled something, closed his window, and crawled back into bed. However, now alone without Merlin, I could use magic. I sent a sleeping spell over to Arthur and quickly scrurried out of the room.
Merlin was pacing just outside, and his head jerked up when I came out.
"Oh, you made it!" He exclaimed quietly. "I didn't know how I was going to get you out!"
"Of course I did. I can take care of myself, you know," I said with a smile.
"Still, let's not do that again..." Merlin replied, trailing off, then a look crossed his face. "We didn't get you a book!"
"That adventure I had with you tied me over. Thank you, Merlin. It was quite the night," I said with sincerity.
Merlin started, sounding slightly surprised, "It was my pleasure, my-" I shot him a look, "Deirdre," And then he ended it, laughing slightly, which lit up his eyes.
"However I do agree... that excitement should hold me for a while. I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest, especially in the tunnel!" I exclaimed, and then added with a giggle, "I hope I don't get you into too much trouble."
Merlin shrugged. "I'll convince him it was a dream later."
"How will you do that?" I asked, curiously.
"Sorry, that's a secret," He said with a coy smile.
I rolled my eyes. "Fine. Thanks again, Merlin. I'll see you tomorrow."
I left him and returned to my room. After pacing and replaying this whole night, I grabbed the small hand mirror on my dresser. I muttered a few words and Merlin's face appeared in my bowl as I began to scry. I shouldn't be practicing magic in the castle, I knew, and I felt awful for spying on Merlin, but I must found out what he thought of me if any of this was going to work, I decided. Especially since I broke character all tonight with him. I got caught up in emotion. The release of admitting something to someone left me a bit giddy. I'd never done that before.
When the scene formed in the mirror, I noticed Merlin first.
He sat across Gaius at a small table. "I don't know, Gaius, I just don't know," He was saying, fingers pressed to his forehead; a way of relieving stress.
"Perhaps you are just looking too into this?" Gaius suggested, eyeing him to see his reaction.
Merlin shook his head and my heart dropped. "No. When I am with her, I get this feeling."
"And it's a bad feeling?" Gaius said, raising just one eyebrow.
"Yes- no.. I just don't know," Merlin admitted with a massive sigh. "It's a strong feeling. She just, feels strong."
Gaius nodded like he understand, but his facial expression said another thing.
Merlin sighed heavily again. "I know, it doesn't make sense."
"Do you feel she is a threat to Arthur, to Camelot?" Gaius asked, trying to help him figure out his feelings about me.
He hesitated in his answer to Gaius. "No, I really don't. There is just something about her."
"You've already said that," Gaius commented, a small smile forming on his face.
"I know..." He paused, trying to gather the right thoughts, "She can have the words of a princess, but she doesn't have the eyes. They are too sad, too broken. There are things she saw tonight that she should not have been seeing for the first time, so that leads me to believe she is lying, but Cyrus adores her. He was telling us stories of her childhood at the feast, remember?"
"Perhaps sorcery is involved. To plant memories into him, and his guards, would take powerful magic to even do, much less keep up. If that is the case, if Deirdre is using magic, it will come out. We must keep watch on her," Gaius said in a firm tone.
"I... hope not. I trust her, Gaius. I felt comfortable with her and then she would say something that was off, then it was all okay because she smiled," Merlin admitted, unable to look at the older man.
"It sounds like you might be clouded by feelings," Gaius figured out loud.
"No, not at all-" Merlin began defensively, but Gaius just shrugged.
"Don't rule out all possiblilies, including where she could be innocent," He replied.
"But..." Merlin trailed off, confused by his advice.
"I'm going to bed. Sleep well," Gaius said and then he was gone, and it was just Merlin staring thoughtfully.
I swallowed hard and broke the connection. Another night like tonight cannot happen. I cannot give into childish wishes to have friends, to have fun, even when a awkward boy like Merlin is handed to me on a silver platter. To make Arthur fall in love with me, to finally please my father is everything.
I must remember that is the true prize.
okay so I editted this chapter because it did feel a bit OOC of Merlin at certain times, and truly didn't make any sense. I hope it's better now, and also for all you new readers, let me know!
- Anna :D