I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Twelve
"So, that's your story?" Tsunade asked.
"Well, that's the one I'm sticking to," Naruto replied. Tsunade studied him shrewdly for a moment, but he just grinned brightly for her. Finally, she let out an annoyed sigh and sipped the small glass of vodka she had poured herself.
"Let me see if I can summarize this tale of drinking, debauchery and friendship through fistfights," she said after a moment. Naruto nodded. "You went to find Masashi and stumbled upon Rock's invasion of Spring. Naturally, you being you, you decided to intervene and pretty much halted the attack by yourself."
"He did," Rumiko confirmed, "rather messily at that."
"Spring then gathered an army of mercenaries and missing nin and you led this force on a counter attack into Rock."
"If by led you mean was at the front and not actual ordering people around, then you've got it," Rumiko stated before Naruto could say anything. "I was actually in charge of the army."
"Hey! I led the team that destroyed the enemy's counterattack before it could even be launched," Naruto protested. Rumiko's eyes narrowed.
"You never came clean about how you knew the counterattack was using that ramen festival as a cover for its staging ground," she commented.
"I told you, it was instinct!" Naruto insisted.
"You snuck off to go eat ramen with a couple of buddies, didn't you?" Tsunade asked. Rumiko smirked and Naruto sighed. He was never going to hear the end of it now.
"Shut up, Rumiko," he added as a preemptive strike. "And it wasn't just ramen, it was over thirty different kinds of ramen."
"After your invasion. . ."
"Counter-invasion," Naruto interrupted. "We were attacked first. We're the good guys."
"After your invasion, Rock surrendered and your army of missing nin decided to stay on as ninja of the Land of Spring," Tsunade finished, "and Yukie and the ninjas asked you to run the village."
"It wasn't our brightest move," Rumiko grumbled.
"You want the damn job?" Naruto demanded.
"Hell no!" Tsunade finished her glass and poured another.
"How the hell do I break this to the council? They're going to go after you loaded for bear." Naruto grinned brightly.
"Naruto, you can't kill their council," Rumiko warned. Naruto pouted.
"God, do you kill all of your problems in your village?" Tsunade asked incredulously.
"No, just most of them," Naruto stated. "The village watch takes care of the rest."
"I get first pick," Rumiko added. Tsunade sipped her drink again as she pondered that.
"That must be nice."
"Oh, it is." Tsunade finished her second glass and a smile curled across her face as she considered the possibilities. "Get out of here. I have to think of a way of bringing this up without starting a civil war here."
"You should wait for tomorrow when the other Kages arrive," Rumiko suggested. "If Naruto really is buddy-buddy with multiple village leaders, your council really won't be able to say much." Tsunade smirked again.
"I like her, Naruto. She's sneaky."
"I'm sure she likes you too," Naruto replied, accepting the smack he got for that.
"Swing by later," Tsunade called as Naruto and Rumiko made their way to the door. "I want to talk to you about something."
"Sure thing." The entire building suddenly rocked as an explosion went off nearby.
"What the hell was that?" Tsunade demanded, shooting to her feet.
"That could most definitely not have been me blowing up the Daimyo's wife's cat because I've been here for the past two hours," Naruto stated.
"You just blew up that damned cat?" Tsunade asked in shock.
"Of course not," Naruto replied.
"This might not be so hard after all," Tsunade mused aloud. "You just got real popular with every ninja in this village."
(:ii:)
"Do you know the meaning of the word overkill?" Rumiko demanded as she stalked along at Naruto's side.
"Figuratively or literally?" Naruto asked.
"That crater was two feet deep!" Rumiko shrieked.
"Yeah, I didn't use enough," Naruto grumbled unhappily. He had been hoping for four feet deep and a nice pink mist. Instead he had gotten only two and a few discernable kitty parts. That was the last time he used an explosive tag he hadn't personally made. "This place is too peaceful."
"Don't you try to do anything more to change it," Rumiko ordered. "This is kind of nice."
"The quiet will get to you too, sooner or later," Naruto countered. He considered her carefully. "Maybe it already is."
"I'm not like you, I can live in peace," Rumiko shot back.
"No you couldn't." Rumiko scowled and followed him in silence for a few seconds. A few seconds was longer than Naruto could stand. "So, found any lesbian bars yet?"
"No."
"Convinced Yui you're really a lesbian?"
"No. She still thinks I'm joking." Rumiko was silent again and Naruto shot a glance over his shoulder. Rumiko had a smirk on her face and a far away look in her eyes. "Some day I'm going to pin her down and rip her clothes off with my teeth." She quickly snapped back to the present and glared at him. "You are not allowed to imagine that."
"Sure," Naruto replied quickly.
"And you are not allowed to write it down in your damn smut books."
"You'll never know if I do," Naruto commented. He paused and smirked at her. "Oh, wait. You have the whole series, don't you?" Rumiko's jaw dropped.
"How do you know that?" she demanded. After a moment's pause she sighed in annoyance. "You didn't know that, did you?" Naruto shook his head. "I can't believe I fell for that."
"Neither can I," the blond admitted cheerfully. "You want to get some ramen?"
"You and your damned ramen," Rumiko grumbled. "There are better things for dinner Naruto."
"Blasphemer," Naruto countered as they fell back into their usual routine of insult and counter insult. "You know, you're really grouchy, grouchier than normal. You need to get laid."
"No argument there." Rumiko glanced around and watched as the nightlife of the Village Hidden in the Leaves slowly crept to life. While she loathed admitting it, there was something special about home.
"Hey guys!" Naruto turned and smiled as he saw Yui walking towards them.
"Having a good time?"
"It's too quiet here. Have you two found any good bars to party in?"
"Told you so," Naruto stated as he turned and began leading the two women towards Ichiraku's. Oddly, Rumiko had nothing to say. "Did you heard that, Rumiko? I said, I told you. . ." he trailed off as he glanced over his shoulder and found the woman missing. "Rumiko?"
"Back there Boss," Yui stated. Naruto glanced up and saw Rumiko following a pair of youngish civilian-looking women who were making their way down the road holding hands. Rumiko was obviously hoping they'd lead her to a lesbian bar.
"You're really reaching on that one, Rumiko!" Naruto shouted. She turned in step and shrugged.
"I'm desperate!" Naruto just shook his head in annoyance and started off in the direct of his favorite ramen shop again.
"What's that all about?" Yui asked as she followed Naruto.
"One day, you'll get your head out of your ass and figure it out."
(:ii:)
"Well, Sakura, I don't know what to tell you," Ino stated. "If Lady Tsunade isn't worried, I don't think it's all that serious."
"Lady Tsunade was blasted out of her mind," Sakura mumbled as she slurped up a mouthful of noodles. During Naruto's long absence, Ichiraku's had become something of a favorite eatery of hers. The small ramen bar had a lot of fond memories. "She tried to kill him with her tits."
"Wouldn't be the first time that happened, just more literally than most cases."
"I am not stupid, Naruto!" Sakura whipped around in time to see her old teammate stroll in through the flaps with a blond woman Sakura recognized from the Land of Spring.
"If you were any dumber I'd have your tubes tied to keep you from reproducing," Naruto stated.
"That's Naruto?" Ino asked in shock. Sakura glanced at her friend and sighed in exasperation as she watched Ino run an appraising eye over Naruto. "Wow. Is he single?"
"Don't start," Sakura ordered flatly. Naruto plopped down at the bar not far from her, too wrapped up in his argument to notice her presence, and ordered beef ramen with extra beef.
"You know, if you would just tell me what all this is about. . ."
"I shouldn't have to tell you," Naruto interrupted. "Are you a ninja or not? Look beneath the beneath! Hell, you don't even have to do that. She's been throwing it in your face for years!"
"What has she been throwing at me?" Naruto's friend demanded.
"Evening Naruto," Sakura offered.
"Hey Sakura," Naruto returned quickly. "All I'm saying is. . .oh. Hey Sakura!"
"You were saying something about seeing beneath the beneath," Sakura suggested. Naruto grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head.
"Sorry. That's my secretary Yui," he added.
"I'm Sakura," Sakura stated as she shook the woman's hand. "I thought Rumiko was your secretary."
"Rumiko is more of my. . ."
"Slave driver," Yui suggested.
". . .slave driver," Naruto stated. "She tries to get me to finish my paperwork. Yui actually. . ." he trailed off and stared at the woman. "What the hell do you do?"
"The paperwork gets delivered to me and I stack it on your desk," Yui stated. "It's a pretty sweet job. The pay is really good. Putting up with you is an A-rank and I really don't even have to put up with you much. You usually only last an hour and a half before you bolt."
"Putting up with him is an A-rank mission?" Sakura repeated.
"Paid by the day," Yui confirmed. Sakura turned and stared at Naruto.
"Why is being your secretary an A-rank mission?"
"Because none of his other secretaries were smart enough to know to bring him ramen a lot," Yui stated. "They had it coming."
"That's what I thought," Naruto admitted. "It's not like I killed them or anything. All I did was. . ." The blond trailed off and looked around.
"All you did was. . ." Sakura pressed.
"You smell that?"
"Smell what?" Yui asked.
"There!" Sakura jumped as Naruto spun and bolted out.
"What the hell was that?" she demanded.
"He does that," Yui replied dismissively.
"Where'd Naruto go?" Ayame asked as she set down a pair of bowls.
"He just ran out on ramen," Sakura pointed out. Yui stared at her for a second before glancing down at the bowls.
"Oh shit." She shot to her feet and ran out after her boss.
"That was weird," Ayame commented.
"Yeah," Sakura agreed.
"Did I just get ignored?" Ino demanded.
"I. . .I'm gonna duck in the back," Ayame stated quickly.
"He just ignored me!" Sakura sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt a migraine coming on.
(:ii:)
"God damn it Naruto! Slow the hell down!" Yui was not in bad shape. Hell, she was one of the fastest ninja in the Village Hidden in the Springs. Sadly, the difference between one of the fastest and the fastest was rather severe. Yui rounded a corner and nearly slammed into her quarry. "Naruto, what's going on?"
"Shut up." Naruto's eyes were close and he was focusing. Yui had seen this trick before. He was looking through the eyes of all his clones and trying to sift through all the data without losing his mind. . .well, more than he already had. "Got her."
"Her?" Yui demanded. "Did you run out on a bowl of ramen to go skirt chasing?"
"Kind of." Naruto leapt to the top of a nearby building and Yui got a bit of a lead up in order to match his bound.
"Kind of?" she pressed.
"Remember that assassin Rock sent after me?" Naruto asked. "The one who's sword I took."
"The one you keep throwing?" Yui demanded. She did remember that woman. The assassin had been a bit of a mystery. She had been sterile, no village markings, and extremely dangerous. Rock had never come clean about who she was or where she was from. "Wait, are we chasing some chick you already killed?"
"Looks that way," Naruto answered.
"Naruto, you ripped her head off."
"I fought a guy that I tore two hearts out of before I finally just blasted him into a pulp," Naruto stated. "Ninja are really weird sometimes, though this one would be the first to survive a beheading."
"I guess." Yui looked up and saw the mob of orange-clothed clones on a nearby building top. They hopped over and Yui frowned as she recognized the ninja in the middle of the circle. It really was that assassin.
"So, I have a few questions for you," Naruto stated.
"You killed my sister," the woman hissed.
"Well, that answers one," Yui commented. "You noticed her headband, didn't you?"
"Of course I noticed her headband," Naruto snapped. Yui sighed. He hadn't noticed. "Hey, she's wearing a Hidden Leaf headband!"
"You don't say." What happened next was way to fast for Yui to follow. All she saw was the aftermath of the kunoichi falling to the ground minus her head. "For God's sake, Naruto!" He boss turned and Yui quickly shut up. The left side of his face was a mess of lacerated flesh. "Suicide by cop?"
"Looks like it," Naruto allowed, his voice garbled by his sudden lack of cheek. "Maybe she was hoping to take me down too."
"Since Rumiko's not here to freak out, I guess I have to point out that we just murdered a ninja of the village we're staying in," Yui commented.
"We nothing. I murdered the stupid bitch in self defense. That kind of makes it not murder. I think." Naruto looked down at the head in his hand. "Come on, time to go find Rumiko. This girl thought getting herself killed would get her away from my questions."
"Forgetting something?" Yui asked, toeing the corpse at her feet. Naruto had managed to only cleave off the top of her head, leaving her lower mandible where it was.
"Right." Naruto ripped the lower jaw away from the body. After a moment's thought, he also took the woman's sword. "You lot, take care of her."
"Got it boss," one of the clones stated.
"Ah, fuck that," another clone complained. Naruto quickly beheaded him.
"God I hate that guy."
"Isn't he you?" Yui asked.
"Exactly."
"What?"
"He's me," Naruto stated. Yui decided to just drop the topic. She knew this wasn't going to go anywhere good.
"Uh, don't you want to do something about your face?" Yui asked. Naruto glanced back at her and she noticed that his wounds had already stopped bleeding. Even as she watched, his sealed left eyelid filled out and opened to reveal a new eye with a bright crimson iris and a slitted pupil.
"I'm fine. What do you take me for, human?"
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Well, here we go. Sorry about the lack of updates. Classes are coming to and end. Naturally, that means a shit load of work and an even bigger shit load of drinking. I've also been wasting too much of my life in front of my PS3 and Modern Warfare 2.
And another thing! It's Christmas. You know what that means, Toys for Tots. Go out and pick up a new, unwrapped toy and either find a drop box or take it to your nearest Marine Reserve station. The economy is pretty shitty, so we're hard up for toys, not that we aren't always hard up for toys.