I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Thirteen
Rumiko was depressed. Naruto had been right; she really had been reaching with her latest attempt to scare up some kind of female companionship. The two young women had been heading for a double date with their respective boyfriends. Now Rumiko was slumped at a bar, staring at her drink and ignoring the man beside her. What part of "fuck off and die" didn't he comprehend?
"Rumiko!" Rumiko tried to hunch herself further into her seat. Maybe he wouldn't see her. "There you are!"
"Here I am," Rumiko grumbled in defeat as she turned to face her boss.
"Good. Now come on," Naruto ordered. "I've got somebody I need you to question."
"Hey buddy, I was talking to her." Rumiko had to smile as her wannabe paramour's show of insolence brought Naruto up short. He wasn't used to being talked to that way. Unfortunately, his shocked silence didn't last.
"Wow, what part of "fuck off and die" don't you comprehend?" Now it was the man's turn to fall into shocked silence as Naruto used the exact words Rumiko had used not twenty minutes prior. It was with her boss thusly distracted that Rumiko made her bid for freedom. "Oh no you don't."
"Let me go, Naruto!" Rumiko ordered. "I'm pissed off, repressed, and my buzz is fading. You'd better. . ."
"Shut up," Naruto cut in as he hoisted her over his shoulder and made for the bar's entrance. "Besides, I found you a nice young lady to talk to."
"What?" That was not what Rumiko had been expecting. She quickly went over all the ways that his statement could not mean what she hoped it meant. Unfortunately, the alcohol in her system washed away all, but the best scenarios.
"Is she pretty?"
"Yup, tall, blond and top heavy; just how you like them," Naruto stated as he made his way out of the bar and down the street, ignoring all the stares he was receiving. "Ah, there she is." Rumiko was unceremoniously dumped on her ass and quickly shot to her feet as she looked for the promised blond. Her eyes fell on Yui.
"You finally convinced her I'm a lesbian?" Rumiko demanded eagerly.
"Nope. She's still thick as a rock, or in denial. One of the two. Now if you'll follow us, we'll introduce you." Rumiko followed her boss and her former teammate into a rather expensive-looking hotel and up to the penthouse. By the time they reached the top floor, Rumiko's buzz was gone and reality was setting in.
"There is no blond, is there?" she asked sadly.
"Of course there is!" Naruto announced as he took a storage scroll from Yui and spilled its contents on the floor. Rumiko could only sigh as a blond-haired head plopped to the floor at Naruto's feet.
"You said she had big boobs." Sometimes there really wasn't any way to deal with a situation other than deadpan snarking.
"Well, she used to, but she lost a lot of weight recently," Naruto stated.
"You also said she was tall," Rumiko added.
"She was wearing heels when we met," Naruto explained. "I guess they made her look taller than she was." Rumiko toed the head and frowned.
"She looks familiar. Wait, I know this chick! Didn't you kill her before?"
"That was her sister," Naruto stated.
"Oh. So, were you trying to be ironic with the decapitation?"
"Huh?"
"Oh course not," Rumiko groused to herself. "You don't even know what irony is, do you? Irony is tearing a woman's head off because you already did that to her sister."
"Oh. No. She jumped at me and it just kind of happened."
"Ah." Rumiko probably would have done the same in that situation. She picked up the head by its hair and took note of the missing lower jaw. Naruto noticed and quickly snatched it out of her hands.
"One second." He rooted through the pocketed of his coat and came up with the missing mandible. He fitted it into place. "All better. Right?" He flapped the jaw with his hand and squeaked 'Right' in a feminine voice out of the corner of his mouth. Rumiko stared at him for a long moment before breaking into hysterical giggles.
"I think you broke her," Yui commented.
"I broke her years ago, she's just good at hiding it," Naruto corrected.
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"It's no go, Boss," Rumiko stated as she glared at the head sitting across from her. The head glared right back.
"I thought you could drag answers out of anybody," Naruto commented.
"I can, normally," Rumiko answered. "There's something keeping her from explaining everything."
"What kind of something?" Naruto demanded.
"Probably a seal somewhere," Rumiko replied. "You're a seal master, you know that good seals remain even after death."
"So, she's useless."
"She's useless," Rumiko confirmed. Naruto growled and lit a cigarette as he sat on the window sill. "What are you thinking?"
"She's a ninja of the Leaf," Naruto stated. "It's reasonable that her sister was one too. Why would the Leaf try to kill me?"
"I didn't think you took attempts on your life so personally," Yui commented.
"Well, I don't," Naruto admitted, "normally. I do take it very personally when the other guy is supposed to be my friend." Rumiko nodded her understanding. Naruto had always been most harsh on traitors, which was rather odd considering most of the ninja of the Spring could be considered traitors to their original village. "Isn't there a treaty between Fire and Spring?"
"Unofficial," Yui clarified. "We have a bond of friendship, but there's no treaty."
"What the hell's the difference?" Naruto demanded.
"A bond of friendship means we don't attack them and they don't attack us because we're friends. A treaty means the same thing only instead of friendship, its legal obligation that keeps us from fighting. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks that friendship is more powerful than politics."
"I noticed," Naruto stated as he climbed to his feet. "Yui, figure out who this chick was. I want her name and confirmation that she really is a ninja of the Leaf. If she is, find out what branch she's working for."
"Got it," Yui replied as she too rose to her feet.
"And where are you going?" Rumiko demanded.
"Oh, I just want to have a word with the Hokage," Naruto stated.
"You are not allowed to torture the Hokage," Rumiko announced.
"Because she's the Hokage, or because she's got big knockers?" Naruto asked.
"Isn't that a little immature?" Yui asked as she opened the door. "You two must be running out of insults if the best you can do is imply she's gay." With that, the blond strolled out and closed the door behind her.
"Christ, she's stupid."
"One of these days," Rumiko growled, "you watch, Naruto. One of these days, I'm going to finally have had enough. On that day, I'm going to throw her down and do all kinds of nasty, depraved things to her." She shot him a glare. "You're still not allowed to write anything about that."
"Of course not," Naruto agreed quickly, holding his hands up in surrender.
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"God damn it." Tsunade rubbed her temples and stared down at the paper on her desk. She was supposed to be writing a speech to greet the foreign leaders arriving in her village tomorrow, but she had a crippling attack of writer's block. "I need a drink."
"Good thing I'm here." Now, Tsunade had been a ninja for many, many years and was unused to having people sneak up on her. Therefore, it was understandable when the voice behind her nearly gave her a heart attack.
"Shit!" She tried to turn and stand at the same time and ended up tripping over her chair before crashing to the floor.
"Well, that was graceful."
"Naruto!"
"That's my name," the blond stated as he offered his hand. Tsunade took it after a moment of consideration and was easily pulled to her feet. "You wanted me to come back."
"Not at three in the morning!" Tsunade protested.
"It's not like you were sleeping," Naruto pointed out as he sat on her desk.
"It's the principle of the thing!" Tsunade insisted. She took a deep breath and fished around in her desk for a bottle of sake. "You know, Kakashi and Yamato were looking for you."
"Who?" Tsunade stared at the blond in shock.
"Kakashi and Yamato," she repeated. "You know, your senseis?" Naruto stared at her blankly for a few seconds before grinning broadly.
"Oh, yeah, those two. How have they been?"
"Yeah, those two," Tsunade sniped. "You know, because everybody forgets their sensei. I mean, I forgot all about mine years ago."
"There's no need to be sarcastic. I've had a long day," Naruto replied defensively. "Now, what did you want to talk to me about?" Tsunade studied Naruto rather carefully as she righted her chair and sat down again. She took a deep breath and pulled the documents she needed out of her desk.
"It's about your parents," she stated
"Shoot," Naruto replied much more flippantly than Tsunade would have suspected.
"Well, your father was the Fourth Hokage. . .and you already knew that, didn't you?"
"Afraid so," Naruto answered.
"How?" Tsunade asked.
"He told me." Tsunade almost tumbled out of her chair in shock again.
"What? How? When?"
"He had a safety set up on my seal," Naruto explained. "When I used a certain amount of the Fox's chakra, the Yellow Flash himself manifested." Tsunade stared at the man before her in shock. Leave it to Minato to set up something so flashy. He always had been a showoff, just more subtle than most.
"What did he say?" Tsunade asked. It was a most intriguing question. What did someone say to the son they never knew, especially considering that they had ruined that son's life.
"Something along the lines of: no Naruto, bad Naruto. Don't listen to the fox, it only speaks in lies."
"What did the fox have to do with anything?" Tsunade asked.
"It made me an offer," Naruto stated. "Turns out, the fox isn't a liar." A cold chill worked its way down Tsunade's spine.
"What was the offer?" she asked.
"Something for something," Naruto replied with a blank grin. "That's how they usually work. Now, what about my mother?"
"Well, let's just say, you take after Kushina much more than Minato," Tsunade replied. "She was loud, cocky, brash, and one of the best friends a ninja could ask for. She grew out of all but the last one."
"I see," Naruto stated simply. His blankness made Tsunade frown. It was like he was talking about complete strangers. Of course, in a way, that's exactly what Naruto's parents were to him.
"They would have been very proud of you, Naruto."
"I doubt that. Now, I have a few questions for you."
"Shoot."
"What do you know about the Spring-Rock War?"
"Well, I knew about it," Tsunade admitted. "I didn't know you were involved. If I had, I would have helped you. I wanted to help, but my advisors had a point. Helping would be going up against Earth and that isn't something to take lightly."
"Of course, helping Earth would have cemented any treaty you had with them," Naruto commented.
"I would never betray anyone like that!" Tsunade snapped. "I couldn't sacrifice my ninja to help, but I would never attack a country I have a bond of friendship with."
"Alright," Naruto said with a smile.
"What brought this up?"
"Nothing." Tsunade frowned at that and opened her mouth to argue when somebody cut her off from behind.
"There you are!" Tsunade nearly had a second heart attack as she turned to face this new intruder. Anko Mitarashi didn't even bother acknowledging her and she shoved her Hokage out of the way and seized Naruto by his belt buckle. "Do you have any idea how long I've been looking for you?"
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Anko glared at her designated favorite male. "Well?" she pressed. "Do you?"
"Nope," the blond answered truthfully as Anko dragged him towards the open window.
"Naruto!" Tsunade snapped.
"What?"
"Don't you want to know about your inheritance?" Tsunade asked.
"Meh. Divide it up, burn it, salt it. I don't really care."
"There are several scrolls containing his private techniques," Tsunade commented offhandedly. Naruto froze mid-step and no amount of tugging on Anko's part could get him moving again.
"I'd better take a look at those," he stated.
"You can look at them later," Anko whined. "Now get moving or I'm going to tear your clothes off and have my fun with you now."
"Wait, you're sleeping with Anko?" Tsunade demanded. "Anko Mitarashi? Anko "has-men-run-screaming-from-her-apartment" Mitarashi?"
"I don't like your tone," Anko growled.
"She's not denying it!" Tsunade noted.
"Well, of course not. That does happen a lot," Anko replied calmly.
"Well, I wouldn't say sleeping," Naruto replied, easily heading off any fight that was about to begin.
"I'd say fucking like bunnies!" Anko announced. "Really kinky bunnies with sex toys and high pain tolerances! And one of the bunnies can turn into a girl." Tsunade stared at them in disbelief.
"What? Girl on girl is hot."
"I didn't know that still counted when you were one of the girls," Tsunade deadpanned in disbelief.
"Meh, normal sex got boring after a few decades," Naruto stated with a shrug.
"You're not even thirty!" Tsunade snapped.
"I got bored quick."
"What inheritance is she blabbing on about anyway?" Anko asked curiously.
"My dad left me some scrolls on his techniques," Naruto replied. He brightened suddenly. "Maybe he left that damned Flying Thunder God technique. I've been trying to figure out how that bastard did that for years." Anko frowned. Flying Thunder God? Why did that sound so familiar? Wait. No. It couldn't be.
"Who was your dad?" she demanded.
"The Fourth," Naruto stated. Anko felt her jaw drop. She grabbed him by the collar and held him still while she studied his face. How had she not seen it before?
"We are leaving now."
"But. . ."
"Now!" Anko shrieked. She spotted the Hokage hat and snatched it up. "And we're taking this with us."
"You can't just. . ."
"We'll return it!" Anko growled in exasperation. "Now start walking or I'm going to lead you out of here by something a lot more sensitive."
"No need to make such threats," Naruto replied quickly as he headed for the window.
-End
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-Author's notes. Howdy everybody. Hope the holidays are treating everybody well. Mine are fucking fantastic. I got the Cowboy Bebop, FLCL, and Samurai Champloo box sets. Consequently I have also lost large amounts of the past few days, but it's a compromise I'm willing to make.
Alright, now for something important. I've decided that I can't keep up with my own schedule. I've just been missing too many updates. I've decided to switch things up to one update ever two weeks. Let's see how that works out.