I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Fourteen:
"This is the same room, right?"
"Yeah, it's the same room," Rumiko growled as she hammered away at the door in front of her. "I know you're in there Naruto!" Finally they heard the door unlock and creaked open. The sight that greeted Rumiko was not what she wanted to see first thing in the morning. "Couldn't you have put some clothes on?"
"Couldn't you have gone to hell?" Naruto returned as he scratched his head, hesitating only slightly when he saw the pair of handcuffs dangling from his wrist. Rumiko blew out an aggravated breath and shoved her boss out of the way as she stormed into the very nice penthouse he had rented.
"Do you even remember what today is?" she demanded.
"Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?" Naruto shot back.
"Today is the day when the other Kages and Daimyos arrive!" Rumiko snapped. "You have to be ready for the formal welcoming ceremony this afternoon."
"Can't you go?"
"Well, I could," Rumiko admitted, "but I'm not going to."
"You're a bitch," Naruto grumbled as he made his way into his kitchen and began fixing a bowl of instant ramen.
"You're damned right. . ."
"I smell ramen." Rumiko turned to glare at the woman who had interrupted her and felt her jaw drop. "I'm fucking starving," Anko added as she made her way over to the kitchen, walking very much like a cowboy who had finished a very long ride.
"Jesus," Yui grumbled," doesn't anybody around here wear clothes?"
"Yeah!" Naruto agreed. "Don't you know you're traumatizing poor Rumiko?"
"I guess I'll go put on some clothes," Anko grumbled.
"Let's not be hasty," Rumiko cut in quickly. "Now, where was I?"
"Something about how you weren't going to take my place as the Yukikage ," Naruto suggested.
"Oh, right. Like I was saying, you're going."
"You're the Yukikage?" Anko asked as she collapsed at the kitchen table.
"Yup." Anko's grin widened.
"I'm never letting you get away."
"Okay," Naruto agreed. Rumiko's jaw must have been hanging open in shock. "What?"
"You're giving up your womanizing ways?"
"The hell he is!" Anko objected, eagerly rubbing her hands together. "I've heard stories about the little bedroom parties he throws. I just need to scrounge up a few curious friends."
"You two are perfect for each other," Rumiko commented.
"Yeah, they're both perverts," Yui agreed. "I'm stepping out, all this nudity is just a little much this early." With that the blond quickly made a beeline for the door.
"Wait, everybody's coming today?" Anko asked.
"Yes," Rumiko answered. "Shouldn't you know that as a ninja of this village?"
"Probably," Anko agreed as she stood up. "I was supposed to be at work early today, guess I'd better get going." Rumiko watched Anko's pert, bare ass sway until the other woman disappeared back into the bedroom.
"You know," Naruto commented as he retried his ramen, "she swings both ways. If you ask, I bet she'd give you a pity fuck."
"I am not desperate enough to take your sloppy seconds," Rumiko growled.
"Yet?" Naruto ventured.
"Yet," Rumiko grumbled. "Now get dressed. We have a parade to attend!" Something caught her eye and she picked it up. "Is this the Hokage's hat?"
"Yeah," Naruto stated. "Tsunade let us borrow it."
"Why would you want to borrow it?" Rumiko asked. "I mean, you never wear the Yukikage one."
"Like you can blame me!" Naruto shot back. "The damn thing is uncomfortable, unwieldy, and stupid."
"Still doesn't explain why you have this," Rumiko pointed out.
"Anko likes to role play." Rumiko dropped the hat like it had suddenly caught fire.
"I'm going to wash my hands and you're going to wash this hat."
(:ii:)
"Well, this is festive," Naruto commented as he stared down at the crowded streets below him. "So, how's this going to run?"
"Village leaders and country daimyos are just beginning to arrive," Rumiko explained. "This afternoon there will be a formal welcoming ceremony."
"Hey boss." Naruto glanced back and nodded to Yui.
"Find anything?"
"Well, an ANBU operative is missing, but nobody seems to know what department she was working for, which is odd."
"I thought ANBU usually did that kind of black, covert bullshit," Naruto commented.
"It's like this," Yui began, "most ANBU units are broken down into two departments. The first is operations and the second is interrogation. Some villages have extra departments like Mist's hunter nins. Anyway, the chick you killed belonged to neither operations nor interrogation and Leaf doesn't have any third department that we know of."
"So, she was a Leaf hunter nin, or something?" Naruto asked. "Am I a missing nin now? I didn't know they cared enough to send anyone after me."
"Well, I don't know why Leaf would keep a bunch of hunter nins a secret," Yui stated. "As for your status, you're still a ninja of the Leaf as far as I can figure. Usually, to be declared a missing nin you have to revoke your allegiance or betray the village."
"I'd hate to remind you," Rumiko added, "but ANBU work directly under the Kage. They can be utilized without notifying any third party or making note of it on paper."
"So, the one that tried to kill me in Earth, could only have been there under the direct orders of the Hokage," Naruto summarized.
"That is, if the other one was also a Leaf ninja," Rumiko corrected. "Family members serving different hidden villages aren't completely unheard of." Naruto frowned and dug a cigarette out of his pocket. Tsunade had seemed so sincere last night and he was usually pretty good at reading people. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Yeah," Naruto grunted. "When did I get fox fur trim put on my collar?" Rumiko glared at him. "Wrong guess?"
"Yeah," she growled.
"Well, how the hell should I know what's going through your crazy little girl mind?" Naruto demanded accusingly.
"Who sent that chick to kill you?" Rumiko demanded after several deep, calming breaths.
"Nanbu," Naruto answered.
"Who's going to be here representing the Village Hidden in the Rocks?"
"Nanb-oh! I see where you're going with this."
"Good, because if you didn't, I would have murdered your stupid ass."
"You would have tried."
"So, we're questioning the Tsuchikage?" Yui interrupted as she stepped between them.
"It looks that way," Rumiko answered.
"Do you think Yukie will be mad?" Naruto asked. "I mean, the coat was awesome before, but the red fur makes it, like, twice as awesome."
"You do this on purpose, don't you?" Rumiko demanded.
"Do what?" Naruto had to turn away as Rumiko's face turned almost as red as her yukata. Sometimes, it really was fun just to fuck with people. He searched the faces of the crowd below. "There's Yukie."
"Where's her other bodyguards?" Yui asked.
"She only needed the one," Naruto stated. Rumiko glanced down and her eyes widened as she saw the massive man standing beside their Daimyo.
"You didn't," she gasped in horror.
"Yeah, I did," Naruto stated with a grin. "Why not?"
"Because he belongs on a covert operation taking on a foreign nation all by himself, not protecting one woman!"
"You're forgetting one thing," Naruto replied.
"What?" Rumiko demanded.
"She's a movie star," Naruto answered. The dark haired woman stared at him for a long moment.
"There's no reasoning with you, is there?" she asked.
"Trust me, reason's got nothing to do with it," Naruto answered proudly. "Now let's go say hi to Yukie and Fish-boy."
(:ii:)
"Can I kill them?"
"No, you can't kill them," Yukie groaned in annoyance.
"How about them?"
"You can't kill any of my fans!" Yukie snapped. Her masked bodyguard's shoulders slumped a little. "You know, people like you are the reason why the village has such a bad name."
"Ninja like me are the reason you have a village. . .and a country," the man countered as he dropped two autograph seekers to their knees with killer intent alone.
"Why did Naruto put you in charge of my security?" Yukie wondered aloud.
"He has a sick sense of humor," the man grunted.
"Yeah, pretty much." Yukie jumped and spun to find the object of their conversation walking along beside them. "Plus, you really love the Icha Icha books, so I figured you'd love working on the set."
"Naruto!" The blond caught her easily and spun her around.
"People are watching," Izumi hissed.
"Meh, it's not like any of them know she's the daimyo of Spring Country," Naruto stated as he set his daimyo down. "If you told them that Yukie Fujikaze and Yukie Kazahana were the same person, they'd probably ask who Yukie Kazahana was."
"Hey Boss," Yukie's bodyguard stated.
"Hey Kisame," Naruto replied. He struck suddenly and the much taller man collapsed to his knees. "Just to remind you that I'm the boss."
"Got it," Kisame rasped as he painfully climbed to his feet and picked up his dropped sword. "You hit hard Tiny."
"And this is a marvelous first impression that Spring Country is making," Izumi mumbled tiredly.
"You're telling me," Rumiko agreed as she appeared out of the crowd around them.
"Don't think you two have actually met, you'll get along," Naruto stated as he slipped an arm around Yukie's waist and led her through the crowds, cowing them absently by mere presence alone.
"Do you really want to leave my assistant alone with yours?" Yukie asked.
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"You're the only person that could say that and get away with it," Yukie noted.
"Well, obviously, that's because I am the worst that could happen," Naruto stated. "Now, how about some ramen?"
"I love ramen," Yukie stated.
"Me too," Kisame added.
(:ii:)
"I can't believe Princess Gale is eating in my restaurant!"
"Easy Ayame," Naruto offered.
"Could you sign an autograph for me?"
"Of course," Yukie replied with a smile. Ayame let out a squeal and disappeared to find some paper.
"She hasn't acted like that in years," Teuchi commented as he set down three bowls of ramen. "So, Miss, how do you know Naruto?"
"He's the leader of the hidden village in my country," Yukie stated.
"Your country?" Teuchi asked.
"I'm the daimyo of Spring Country," Yukie stated. "We try not to advertise it; my assistant thinks acting isn't a respectable career for a daimyo."
"And you're the leader of her hidden village?" Teuchi pressed.
"Yep," Naruto answered.
"And I'm a sociopath they employ to kill people for them!" Kisame announced proudly. He had ditched his mask the moment they had stepped inside the ramen stand.
"You and everyone else," Yukie replied dismissively.
"I'm not like the rest," Kisame corrected. "I'm a world renowned criminal! I was part of an organization that was going to conquer the world!"
"And then I beat you like my redheaded step child and you turned informant," Naruto replied.
"I wasn't going to mention that part," Kisame grumbled, letting out an annoyed hiss through pointed teeth. "Besides, I only ever work for the guys who promise me the best wars and you deliver, Tiny."
"And, for your information, twenty ninja in my village were previously working for groups trying to conquer the world," Naruto added.
"But we actually were!" Kisame protested. "At least, until you killed everybody else."
"Missed one, but I'm going to get him too eventually," Naruto stated.
"Here!" Ayame gushed as she held out a piece of paper. "Did I miss anything?"
"Naruto's the leader of a hidden village that employs terrorists," Teuchi stated.
"Very funny dad."
"All terrorists are somebody's freedom fighters," Kisame stated.
"Well actually, you guys were pretty much everybody's terrorists," Naruto stated. Kisame let out a loud laugh.
"Yeah. We were."
(:ii:)
"That bastard is sick!" Tsunade announced. "You were right Sakura!"
"I wasn't referring to his sex life when I was telling you I was worried about him and how he's changed," Sakura commented. She was really trying not to laugh.
"He's a monster!" Tsunade continued.
"It's just a hat," Sakura commented. "You don't even like wearing it."
"It's not just a hat!" Tsunade snapped. "It's the traditional headwear of the Hokage! It's been handed down to each Hokage since the founding of this village! It is a sign of authority! When I catch him, his ass is toast!"
"We can hunt him down after breakfast," Sakura stated as she pointed to their destination.
"Mom always did say that it was rude to murder someone before breakfast," Tsunade admitted as she swept aside one of the flaps in order to sit. What happened next was too fast for Sakura to follow. One moment the Hokage had been preparing to sit and the next she was flat on her back attempting to apply a rear naked choke to the blond man laying on top of her.
"Mrph!" Naruto cried in alarm through a mouthful of noodles as his arms and legs flailed about.
"Give me back my hat!" Tsunade ordered.
"Mrph!" Naruto cried again as he managed to grab the leg of Sakura's dark blue village-issue pants. Sakura just knocked his grip off and stepped back.
"You brought it on yourself." The flaps of the ramen stand shifted as another person stepped out of the stand to look down at the fight that was quickly drawing a crowd. The woman glanced at Sakura and smiled.
"Sakura!"
"Lady Kazahana," Sakura returned politely. The daimyo laughed.
"The liberator of my country can call me by my first name," she stated before looking down at Naruto who was starting to turn blue. "Hey Kisame, if you want to see your boss getting his ass handed to him, you'd better get out here."
"Really?" The flaps shifted again and a massive man stepped out into the street. Sakura stared at him in shock for a moment before digging out her bingo book. "Don't bother, I'm Kisame Hoshigaki, the Monster of the Hidden Mist."
"You're a part of Akatsuki!"
"He was, now he's one of my ninja," Yukie stated. "So, what'd Naruto do?"
"I'd guess he fucked her and ditched her with the bill in an expensive hotel somewhere," Kisame replied.
"How many times has that happened?" Yukie asked.
"That I know of?" Kisame asked.
"Never mind." The blue-skinned man nodded his understanding.
"So, do you think I should help? I mean, I hate getting involved in lover's quarrels."
"You stay out of this fish-boy!" Tsunade snapped. "Now, where's my hat?" To Sakura's surprise, the large man fell back a step and actually looked hurt.
"Oh, come on," Yukie stated, patting his arm comfortingly, "I think you're really handsome and your blue skin just makes you look more exotic."
"Thanks." Sakura just ignored them and kneeled beside the grappling blonds. "Sensei?"
"What?"
"He's unconscious."
"Oh."
"You're loosing your touch," Sakura added as she checked for a pulse while the Hokage climbed to her feet. "Before, you would have had no problem applying a blood choke instead of an air choke."
"I couldn't get him to stop squirming," Tsunade replied. She glanced around at the crowd. "What the hell are you lot looking at?" They dispersed rather quickly after that. "I will admit that I forgot he couldn't answer while I was choking him."
"Yeah, I've made that mistake a few times," Kisame stated. Tsunade stared at him for a moment. "Are we going to fight now?"
"After breakfast," Tsunade replied tiredly. "I'm hungry and mom always said that it was rude to attack people before breakfast."
"Right," Yukie drawled as he prodded Naruto with her toe. "Should we drag him inside?"
"Nah," Kisame answered. "It won't be the first time he's woken up in the street."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Howdy. Been a busy two weeks. I had a few important tests. One was for my new MCMAP gray belt. I passed it. One was for HIV. I passed it too, or I failed it. Whichever one means I don't have AIDS.
Anyway, yeah, it's just another gag chapter. Don't worry, the next one will have some plot, maybe. Sheesh, nobody seems to grasp that most of the stuff I write is half a step up from crack. Just because there is a vague plot, doesn't mean that the story can't be driven almost solely to sex jokes, puns and witty dialogue.