I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Fifteen:
Somebody was poking Naruto. It was getting extremely annoying. He opened his eyes and snarled and the two boys standing over him. The one poking him dropped his stick and they both ran off screaming. With that minor nuisance taken care of, Naruto tried to remember why he was passed out in the street. Had he gone on a bender? What day was it?
"You awake yet?" Naruto raised his head and saw Yukie staring down at him.
"What happened?"
"Some blond grabbed you and choked you out," Yukie stated. Naruto frowned. A blond?
"Did it involve ditching her with the bill at a really expensive hotel in the Land of the Moon?" One of the flaps of Ichiraku's was pushed aside and Naruto found himself staring at Tsunade.
"No. It was about my hat."
"Oh." Naruto climbed to his feet and dusted himself off. He stepped back into Ichiraku's and frowned as he noticed that his ramen had gone cold. "Another one, Old Man, make it a quadruple."
"Coming right up!" Teuchi stated. Naruto sat back down and stretched his neck.
"Naruto?"
"Yes?"
"My hat."
"Right." Naruto dug out a storage scroll and produced said headwear.
"You washed it, didn't you?"
"Yep."
"Good." Naruto's ramen arrived and he quickly dug in.
"You know, if you hadn't snuck up on me and I hadn't been distracted by delicious ramen, I would have torn you into half a dozen discernable pieces." Naruto just felt like throwing that fact out there. He wasn't being defensive or anything.
"I'm a ninja, Naruto," Tsunade pointed out. "I'm also a woman. I'm not supposed to fight fair."
"Good point." Naruto slurped up a mouthful of ramen. "Heard you were missing an ANBU." Tsunade frowned and turned to stare at him. "What? My daimyo was coming. Why wouldn't I be spying on what was happening here?"
"Alright, good point," the Hokage admitted. "Yes. I am missing an ANBU and trying to get answers from the head of the ANBU is like trying to pull teeth."
"Yeah, I heard about how nobody seems to know which department she was working for," Naruto commented. Tsunade's eyes narrowed. "What?"
"How are you getting this information?" the blond demanded.
"Men tend to tell my secretary things," Naruto stated simply before finishing off his bowl. He also finished off the cold bowl. Wasting ramen was a sin after all. Tsunade let out an aggravated groan.
"Please tell me you're not implying that my ninja are giving up secrets because some little tart flashed them some leg," she demanded.
"Well, to be fair, they weren't really secrets and Yui isn't exactly little," Naruto stated. "In fact, she's almost as big as you."
"God damn it," Tsunade growled. "I'm firing every man working for me and replacing them with women."
"Sounds like a plan to me!" Naruto announced, perking up immediately.
"Never mind."
(:ii:)
"So, this is where you both grew up?" Yukie asked as her village leader and his old teammate led her and her bodyguard on a tour through the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
"Yes," Sakura answered. "My parents' house is actually a few blocks over."
"Are they ninja?" Yukie pressed.
"No," the pink-haired woman replied. "I'm the first in my family. My dad is a merchant and my mom doesn't work. Neither were too happy when I went to the academy."
"What made you want to be a ninja?" Yukie asked curiously.
"I don't know, really," Sakura admitted. "I was young."
"Nobody seems to think it's strange that they allow such young children to make such life-altering decisions," Yukie commented.
"It's a relic of the wars," Naruto stated. "Prior to the last major war, one had to be, with few exceptions, a teenager to apply. During the war they needed more ninja and allowed children to apply."
"Realistically, what could children have done?" Yukie asked.
"They could have taken a knife for an older more experienced ninja," Naruto stated flatly. "It wasn't pretty. The children were used for distractions, screening and suicide missions. In the long run, it stamped out several clans and nearly wiped out a few villages. I've seen bad things in wars, but that was one of the worst."
"You weren't born during the last war," Sakura commented.
"I mean, that's what I heard," Naruto corrected.
"It's true," Kisame cut in. "It was pretty messy. Of course, in Mist, we had always been like that."
"Good Old Bloody Mist," Naruto commented. "Always liked that place. You have to respect people and places that wear their crazy on their sleeves where everyone can see."
"Mist was not crazy," Kisame snapped. "We were well adapted." Sakura was not amused.
"How could you call requiring students to slaughter all the. . ."
"Most, not all," Kisame corrected.
". . .most of the other graduates a good thing?" Sakura demanded.
"Well excuse us for making killing people into a test for ninja," Kisame snarled. "You do know that ninja kill people, right?" Sakura's jaw dropped to argue, but she found that she didn't have a rebuttal to that.
"Point, Kisame!" Naruto announced. Sakura glared at him for that. "So, how are your parents? Still despising me?" The pink-haired woman's eyes narrowed somewhat at the change of topic, but let it go after a moment of consideration.
"They never despised you," she stated in annoyance. "They just. . .okay, they despised you, at first. They got over it."
"Yeah. They went from "stay away from my daughter or I'll kill you" to "I'll kill you if you hurt my daughter"," Naruto agreed.
"Oh come on, they say that last bit to every guy they see around me," Sakura replied. "Besides, I'm sure you get that all the time from irate fathers."
"Well. . .yeah, but I wasn't sleeping with you."
"You weren't?" Kisame asked in surprise. "There's a first."
"Shut up Kisame."
"We'd better start heading back," Yukie commented. "We don't want to be late." Naruto shot her a grin over his shoulder.
"Meh, don't worry. We'll be fine." That was when Naruto, mostly because he was looking back, walked right into a dark-haired woman and sent her sprawling.
(:ii:)
"Damn it." Naruto glanced down at the women he had knocked over and seized an appendage to haul her to her feet. As he brought her upright he found himself staring into a pair of milky, white eyes. "Hinata?"
"Na-na-na-Naruto?"
"Hinata!" Naruto threw his arms around his old classmate and gave her a hug. "How are you doing?" He held her at arm's length and let her go, only for her to turned bright red and faint dead away. "Huh. Still weird."
"You're kidding, right?" Sakura asked.
"What?"
"The girl has had a crush on your since the academy!" Sakura exploded. "Are you really this oblivious?"
"No!"
"Yes," Yukie and Kisame deadpanned in unison. Naruto shot them an annoyed glare.
"Shut up." He turned back to Sakura.
"Hinata Hyuga?" he asked. The pink haired woman nodded. "A crush?" She nodded again. Naruto had to laugh. "Are you out of your fucking mind? She's the Hyuga heiress."
"There's no accounting for taste," Sakura commented dryly.
"Hey, she's coming to," Kisame commented as he hauled the heiress back to her feet.
"You know, it figures," Sakura stated, "the one woman who's liked you longer than any other is the one woman you won't sleep with."
"I'd totally sleep with Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed.
"Whoa!" Kisame tried to grab Hinata as she swooned again, but he was too slow and the dark-haired woman slumped to the ground again with blood trickling from her nose. "Never mind." Naruto stared down at her.
"Okay, maybe a little crush."
"No, you don't say," Sakura commented.
"It would probably be a bad thing to leave the heiress of the most powerful clan in this village passed out on the street, wouldn't it?" Naruto asked.
"That's never stopped you before," Yukie commented.
"Oh, please. Those chicks weren't my friends, they were just, well. . .chicks."
"You should shut up now," Sakura stated.
"Okay."
(:ii:)
"Where the hell is he?"
"What were you expecting?" Izumi asked.
"I was expecting his Daimyo to at least try to make him be on time," Rumiko gritted.
"What are you, stupid?" Izumi asked. "When those two get together all they do is party."
"Well, I didn't know that," Rumiko stated. "At least he's not the only one who's late." She glanced around the room and took in the dozen or so desks arranged in a circle. All but three were currently occupied by their respective village leaders with their entourages sitting behind them.
"Yo." Rumiko jumped and spun to find her boss perched on the windowsill behind her with Yukie in his arms.
"Naruto! Door!"
"Naruto! Window!" Naruto countered before hopping down and releasing his Daimyo.
"You're late!"
"Well, I was going to be on time, but I got lost of the road of life," Naruto stated as he collapsed in his seat and swung his feet up on to his desk. Rumiko opened her mouth to argue, but trailed off as she noticed the Hokage giggling hysterically.
"What's up with her?"
"No idea." That was when the wall behind the Raikage's desk exploded and a massive, dark-skinned man strode in and sat down. "See, it could be worse. I could have done that."
"That's one way of looking at it," Rumiko admitted.
"I suppose we'll just have to begin this meeting," Tsunade announced, her voice cutting through the murmurs that had broken out with Naruto and the Raikage's appearances. "First, I'd like to welcome you all to the Village Hidden in the Leaves. I'd like to give a special welcome to the Leaf's own former ninja and current Yukikage, Naruto Uzumaki."
"Why'd she single you out?" Rumiko whispered.
"To piss off the old people behind her," Naruto stated. He was proven correct as one of them shot to his feet.
"Lady Tsunade. . ."
"Not now Danzo," Tsunade interrupted.
"Yeah, sit down Danzo!" Naruto added. The old man's jaw dropped to reply, but Tsunade leveled him with a glare.
"The Village Hidden in the Sand would also like to congratulate the Yukikage." Naruto grinned at the redhead sitting not too far away.
"Hi Gaara!"
"Hello Naruto," the Kazekage returned with a small nod and an even smaller smile.
"Yukikage," the Raikage sneered. "There are only five Kages and they are the leaders of the five most powerful elementary countries."
"Naruto. . ." Rumiko began, but it was far too later. The blond was already on his feet, one foot resting on his desk and pointing at the Raikage whose desk was on the other side of the circle.
"Listen up you Creatine-inflated ninny, I personally think Yukikage is a sissy name, but it's the name my daimyo and my buddies wanted, so anybody that insults it, answers to me!" The Raikage leapt to his feet, but was cut off as a similar-looking, but younger man beat him to it.
"Hey! Nobody calls my big bro a creatine-inflated ninny, but me!" The Raikage wound up and delivered a fairly devastating blow to the back of the younger man's head.
"Idiot! You're not allowed to call me that either!" The Raikage turned back Naruto and for a second it appeared that a brawl was going to break out, but the main door opened and a very curvy woman strolled in.
"Sorry we're late," she stated with a smile as she made her way through the circle towards the empty Mizukage desk. Naruto and Rumiko watched her the entire way.
"Kisame?"
"Yes?" the massive blue-skinned man asked as he appeared at Naruto's side.
"Is that the Mizukage?"
"Yep, that's Mei Terumi," Kisame stated, frowning slightly as the red-haired woman waved at him.
"She was the Mizukage when you left?" Naruto added.
"Yeah."
"What are you, a fruit?" Kisame groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"If I wasn't sure that you'd kill me in such a humiliating way that people looking upon my mutilated remains would have no choice but to laugh, I would kill you."
"You're referring to the guy I killed by shoving his head up his own ass, aren't you?"
"Yeah. That was the most horrific. . ."
"Don't ignore me!" Naruto turned back to the dark-skinned man and frowned.
"Who are you again?"
"Let it go A," a new voice interrupted, "or else Mister Fox will kill you like a small dog." The Raikage came up short as he stared at Nanbu. "Trust me." The Raikage looked around somewhat awkwardly for a moment before sitting down and Rumiko had to smile. This was looking to be rather amusing.
"What are you grinning at?" Rumiko glanced over at her boss.
"I'm just thinking of all the sexual favors I'll demand from the Mizukage in return for information about you and the village after I defect," she stated.
"What information?" Naruto asked. "We're all pretty strait forward, I mean, we don't really have any state secrets."
"I'll figure out something to tell her," Rumiko replied confidently.
"Well alright. Just remember, I'm faster than you."
"Oh? Going to run me down and kill me?" Rumiko teased.
"No. I'm going to beat you to her and defect first," Naruto stated proudly.
"Neither of you are allowed to defect," Yukie growled.
"But. . .she's hot," Rumiko stated.
"Really hot," Naruto added.
"What am I, chopped liver?" Yukie demanded.
"So, you're offering me sexual favors in return for my continued service?" Rumiko asked hopefully. Naruto felt an eyebrow rise and his aide's tone.
"Uh, Rumiko. We're joking here. This conversation is in jest. You cannot demand sexual favors from your daimyo."
"Why not?" Rumiko asked. Naruto stared at the woman.
"I'm getting you laid. This abstinence shit is going strait to your head."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Well, the plot did inch a long a little. Okay, maybe not. Sorry about last week. FF had its head up its ass.
So, I had the day off not too long ago and decided to watch some anime. I heard that Gurren Lagann was put up and youtube and figured; okay, why not? I've seen the Japanese one and figured the English would be pretty good; after all, it has Steven Blum in it. Of course, he does play a camp gay mechanic. That's right Roger Smith/Spike Spiegel/Mugen is a flaming homo. It might be the single funniest meta joke ever.
Alright, so, I watched every episode within twenty-four hours. That was a mistake. Gurren Lagann is too much awesome and epicness to take in, in such a short amount of time.
Anyways, I've been humming Viral's theme song and Liberate me from Hell for three days and I'm pretty sure my next tattoo is going to be a flaming skull. A banner demanding "Who the hell do you think I am?" is also being speculated at in conjunction with said flaming skull.
For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about. Go watch Gurren Lagann now. Here are two scenes that should tell you everything you need to know: First, how do you fight a flying battleship with a walking battleship? Run the walking battleship up a mountain and flying kick the other one. Second, how do you stop a person from committing suicide? Jump through time and space using sheer will power alone and punch him in the face.
Ladies and gentlemen, goodnight.