I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Sixteen

Naruto was bored. "Don't you dare."

"Huh?"

"I know that look," Rumiko stated. "You are not allowed to set anything on fire." Naruto pouted and consciously relaxed his hands. They had been twitching towards forming seals without his knowledge.

"This is boring."

"It's a ceremony, it's supposed to be boring," Rumiko stated. "If I can sit through it, you have to." Naruto glanced around and noticed that more than a few village leaders were beginning to space out. "I think it's winding down."

"And so I welcome you all to the Land of Fire and the Village Hidden in the Leaves," Tsunade finished.

"Why is the Village Hidden in the Leaves in the Land of Fire?" Naruto asked over the polite applause.

"What?"

"Shouldn't the village in the Land of Fire be the Village Hidden in the Flame or something?"

"You would think that," Rumiko agreed. "I have no idea. I'm sure there's some kind of significance that nobody cares about anymore."

"Didn't grow up here?" Izumi demanded. Naruto shot the woman a raised eyebrow over his shoulder.

"Yeah, so?"

"I give up," Izumi announced, throwing her arms up in surrender.

"Naruto." The blond turned back and grinned as he found Gaara standing before his desk. "Hello."

"Hey, buddy," Naruto returned as he climbed to his feet to shake the redhead's hand. "How have you been?"

"I have been well," Gaara stated. "I was unaware that you had become the Yukikage."

"Yeah, I meant to send out notices, but I kind of got swallowed by paperwork. You know how it is."

"I do," Gaara stated with a small smile.

"Well, everybody, this is Gaara," Naruto stated. "Gaara; this is Koyuki Kazahana my daimyo, Rumiko my assistant and Izumi an evil old chick."

"I am not old," Izumi growled.

"A pleasure to meet you all," Gaara stated. He glanced at Yukie for a moment too long. "I believe that I know you from somewhere."

"Her stage name is Yukie Fujikaze," Naruto volunteered. The redhead's jaw dropped a fraction of an inch.

"You play Akane."

"Is there anybody who doesn't read your smut books?" Izumi demanded.

"Erotica," Naruto corrected.

"What?"

"I write erotica, not smut," Naruto stated.

"What's the difference?" Izumi asked.

"Damned if I know," Naruto admitted with a shrug, "but my editor says that since more than half of my readership is female that I should call it erotica. I guess it sounds better; I mean, now you can call your secret collection erotica instead of porn." Izumi's face paled and her jaw dropped to deny, but Rumiko clamped a hand over her mouth.

"I fell for that one too," the younger woman stated. "It's already too late to deny, but don't give him the satisfaction." Izumi studied him shrewdly.

"You're more clever than I gave you credit for," she stated. "That wouldn't take much mind you."

"I try," Naruto stated cheerfully before turning back to Gaara. "You want to go grab lunch?"

"Sure."

(:ii:)

Yui was not happy. The information she had just gathered would piss off her boss. That never led to calm, peaceful discussion. At best it led to brute intimidation. At worst, well, it led to lots of dead people.

"I'm telling you, Gaara, you haven't had ramen until you've had Ichiraku's!"

"I can't believe you're eating more ramen." Yui skidded to a halt on top of the building she had just landed on and ran back to the edge. Sure enough, her boss and Rumiko were down in the street walking beside a red-haired guy.

"Naruto!" The blond paused and glanced up.

"Hey Yui. You should totally wear a skirt while building hopping." Yui sighed and jumped down to join them. "What's up?"

"We have a problem," Yui stated. "A private problem," she added, casting a pointed glance at the redhead.

"Gaara's my friend," Naruto replied blandly. She should have expected that. Her Kage wasn't really one for secrets. "What's happening?"

"I just got done talking to a few of my new buddies in this village," Yui began. "There's a secret meeting being held."

"So?"

"You're the topic," Yui clarified blankly.

"Oh. Who's meeting?"

"It's between the Hokage's council and the heads of the village's clans," Yui stated. Naruto just shrugged. "They want to declare you a missing nin and issue a reward for your capture." Naruto stared at her blankly.

"Oh," he grunted after a moment. "Yeah, that could get annoying."

"You will, of course, have the full backing of the Village Hidden in the Sand," Gaara stated. Naruto's mildly annoyed look melted.

"Thanks Gaara. It's good to have friends I know I can trust." He glanced back to Yui and Rumiko. "I think we'll be able to handle this one."

"Very well," Gaara stated. Naruto nodded his thanks and leapt straight to the top of the building Yui had just dropped from. Yui followed as best she could and ended up bouncing off two balconies to reach her boss.

"Do you have a location?"

"Yeah, they're meeting in the village auditorium," Yui answered.

"Isn't that a little open for a secret meeting?" Naruto asked as he took off in the direction of said building.

"Well, they're actually exercising a right to assemble to discuss village affairs that will later be brought up to the Hokage," Yui explained. "The Third Hokage created that privilege during his reign."

"Do we have a law like that?" Naruto demanded.

"Considering that we don't have a council or clan elders, no," Rumiko answered.

"Good. Keep it like that," Naruto ordered. "What are the details?"

"The council is made up of two old farts named Homura and Koharu," Yui lectured. "However, the man behind the push to fuck you over is an old guy named Danzo."

"That guy," Naruto growled in annoyance. "What are they actually planning specifically?"

"The council is likely planning to gain clan support and try to force the Hokage to declare you a missing nin," Yui reported. "After that they want to capture you, which is strange because most missing nin are eliminated immediately and their bodies' are destroyed."

"Capturing a missing nin is usually only done if that ninja is consider an irreplaceable village asset," Rumiko commented. "Usually, that would mean the last of a clan with a very powerful bloodline. You aren't the last of a clan, nor do you have a bloodline." Naruto grinned and patted his stomach. "No."

"Oh, yeah."

"They want to control you?" Rumiko asked in disbelief. "What are they, suicidal?"

"That's what I was wondering," Naruto admitted. "Most people are smart enough not to fuck with me."

"Actually," Yui interrupted. "Nobody here is scared of you." Naruto stopped dead so suddenly that Yui and Rumiko overshot him by two roof tops. They quickly turned back and rejoined him.

"What?"

"They aren't scared of you," Yui repeated. "Outside of the Lands of Spring and Earth, the Forest Fox's reputation is more unsettling than scary. Apparently, the council doesn't believe half of what they've been told about you, even coming from the Tsuchikage."

"They aren't scared of me?" Naruto repeated.

"Nope." He took several deep breaths.

"They aren't scare of me?" he asked again.

"They aren't," Yui confirmed.

"I see." He took another long, calming breath. "We'll have to remedy that."

(:ii:)

"The farther that thing is from us, the happier I am!" Danzo sighed in annoyance as one of the more foolish clan heads made his thoughts known. This whole day had been nothing but unpleasant surprises. First he found out that his ace in the hole was the head of another village and now he was finding out that many clan heads either supported the little brat or wanted him to stay where he was, i.e. far from them. He should have stepped in and prevented that brat from leaving all those years ago.

"This is the punk who beat up my Kiba, right?" the head of the Inuzuka demanded. Someone gave her an affirmative. "Hell, I love that kid! What's the big deal with him being the Yukikage?"

"That brat is a monster!" a man from some nameless minor clan stated. "The Yoichi agree with the Gidayu. We should leave it where it is." Danzo frowned as he realized that he'd better step in and help lead this discussion before it could degrade further. Sadly, he was beaten to the punch.

"Rasengan!" Danzo was on his feet before the person who had just been thrown, spiraling through the auditorium's doors made it halfway to the council's raised platform. He had just enough time to recognize one of his own Root ANBU, both parts of him, before a tall blond in an orange trench coat swept into the auditorium. "Well!" he announced, "that was pretty cool. I should always chuck a bifurcated corpse in front of me when I need to make an entrance." Not a single person in the whole auditorium seemed to have anything to say to that.

"Genin Uzumaki," Danzo stated after the silence had crept on long enough. "You just murdered a ninja of the Leaf."

"He was barring my way into a public discussion," Naruto stated cheerfully. "I don't know if that rates death, but I'm definitely on the moral high ground here. I think."

"Maybe," one of the two women flanking him stated. "I also think you have diplomatic immunity." The other woman sighed as Naruto's grin suddenly doubled in size and viciousness.

"Yui," she began, "please, never tell Naruto that he can act without consequence again." The newly-named 'Yui' winced.

"Yeah. Didn't think that one through," she admitted. "Sorry Rumiko."

"Genin, can you think of a single reason I shouldn't have you arrested?" Danzo demanded calmly. Where the hell were the rest of his ANBU?

"I can think of a few," Naruto replied. "One: I'm not sure you have the authority to arrest me, two: I can kill anyone you want to send after me singularly or in groups and three: you're out of ninja." Danzo smirked. He had nine other Root ANBU lying in wait; if only they would step in and apprehend him already. "I mean, unless you brought more than ten." That caught Danzo by surprise.

"What?"

"I said, unless you brought more than ten," Naruto repeated. "That guy," he pointed to the dead ANBU, "and the nine other guys curled up in the fetal position and sobbing out in the lobby."

"I see," Danzo stated. He needed to rethink this whole thing.

(:ii:)

Nanbu reclined in his chair and sipped his drink happily. This was turning out to be a nice vacation. Of course, that meant someone would be along shortly to ruin it. "Hey Nanbu!" Nanbu let out an annoyed sigh and set his drink down.

"Hello Mister Fox." The blond plopped into the chair beside him and looked around the large balcony.

"This is nice."

"For what I'm paying, it'd better be," Nanbu replied. "Is there something I can help you with? I have some very important relaxing I need to be doing."

"You recognize this chick?" Nanbu could only sigh again as a severed head was plopped into his lap. He looked down at it for a moment and let out a girlish shriek as the eyes rolled around and fixed on him.

"Holy shit!" He shoved the grotesque bundle off his lap and took a few deep breaths to compose himself. "You know, there's a reason Rumiko's clan was wiped off the face of the Earth."

"They made you scream like a little girl?" Naruto asked.

"Ha, ha, ha. . .no." Nanbu glanced down at the head. "Should I recognize her?"

"You sent her to kill me," Naruto stated cheerfully. "She wasn't one of your ninja, that much I know already."

"You've been carrying around her head for over a year?" Nanbu demanded. "You're a lot sicker than I thought and that's saying something."

"Actually, this is that ninja's twin sister," Naruto admitted. "She is a ninja of the Leaf ergo, her sister the assassin. . ."

"You actually know what "ergo" means?" Nanbu asked before taking a drink from his cocktail. "Color me impressed."

". . .ergo, her sister the assassin, might have been a ninja of the Leaf," Naruto finished. "Where did you hire her sister from, Nanbu?"

"I didn't," Nanbu answered. "One of my allies offered her services."

"You have allies?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"I'm not telling you," Nanbu stated.

"This ally didn't happen to have two blond pigtails and a huge rack, right?" Naruto asked. Nanbu felt his eyebrow rise.

"You think Tsunade is trying to kill you?" he asked.

"Naruto!" He glanced at the next building over and saw said blond storming towards them across the roof.

"Okay, maybe she is trying to kill you." The Hokage leapt over to Nanbu's balcony and seized the Yukikage by his throat.

"You traumatized my ANBU!" she snarled. "I didn't even know you could do that!"

"He can't answer when you're choking him," Nanbu commented. "Not that I mind, choke him all you want." Tsunade managed to pry her fingers from the other blonde's throat and dump him back in his seat.

"What did you do to my ANBU?"

"I scared them a little," Naruto stated cheerfully as he covertly toed the severed head under Nanbu's lounge chair.

"Scared them a little?" Tsunade sputtered. "Two of them tried to kill themselves!"

"Yeah, I'd keep an eye on the rest of them too," Naruto commented with a bashful grin.

"I warned you people not to fuck with him," Nanbu stated. "I told you that he would do something like this."

"Nobody was messing with him!" Tsunade snapped.

"Your council and the heads of the couple of the clans were trying to declare me a missing nin," Naruto corrected. "I felt that I had the right to voice my displeasure in the matter and your ANBU were trying to bar me entrance."

"The council was trying to do what?" Tsunade asked, her voice dangerously calm.

"Make me a missing nin," Naruto repeated. "That would kind of put a cramp on my fun since I'd have to kill a bounty hunter around every corner."

"Are you still offering to kill Danzo?" Tsunade asked after a moment.

"You bet."

"I'd reconsider," Nanbu interjected. "Asking Mister Fox here to assassinate one person is like using an explosive tag to kill a fly. It's overkill and there's a lot of collateral damage. Take that cat for instance."

"So you did kill that damn cat!"

"For him," Naruto stated, jerking a thumb at Nanbu. Tsunade glanced over at the other man, but he just shrugged.

"I don't like cats."

"Okay, everybody just shut up for a minute," Tsunade growled. She turned to Naruto. "You're telling me that all those ANBU from today were trying to stop you from getting into a village meeting?"

"Yep," Naruto answered.

"I didn't tell them to do that," Tsunade stated.

"Ooh, sounds like somebody's personal guard has their own agenda," Naruto commented. "Your guard. . .your council. . .you've let them get away with too much and now your reaping what you've sewn."

"And what would you suggest?" Tsunade snapped in annoyance.

"Make them scared of you," Naruto stated. "Fear makes everything easier. My village is scared of me. His whole country is scared of me. This village will soon be very scared of me again."

"Again?" Naruto grinned, but there were too many teeth and far too many points in it.

"I'll see you two later." He turned and hopped off the balcony. Tsunade stared at where he had been for a few seconds before sitting down in his recently vacated chair.

"Drink?" Nanbu offered, nudging another cocktail towards her. She took it and drank the whole thing without comment.

"Something's not right with him," she stated finally.

"No shit," Nanbu commented blankly. "What was your first clue, you ditz?"

(:ii:)

Naruto pushed his door open and staggered into his hotel room. He was damned tired. Running all over the village and traumatizing nine men into catatonia weren't the easiest things to do. "Naruto?"

"Hey Anko." Naruto collapsed on the couch. The purple haired woman appeared from the kitchen and handed him a beer before sitting down beside him.

"Sounds like you've been having fun," she commented.

"Hmm," Naruto hummed as he sipped his beer.

"Most of the ANBU are kind of annoyed at you."

"Only annoyed?" Naruto asked.

"Well, you did kill an ANBU and put nine others out of commission, which is bad, but they were all Root, so nobody really cares."

"Root?" Naruto asked, perking up immediately. "What's that?"

"It's classified," Anko stated. "I can't tell you."

"Can't or won't?" Naruto wondered aloud. A grin spread across Anko's face as she realized where this was going.

"I won't," she stated, "not unless you bribe me with something that I want."

"That can be arranged," Naruto replied. "Now tell me."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Hey, long time no see. I tried updating another story last scheduled time and it got one review even though people have been bitching at me to update it. Fine, I can take a hint. Everyone wants this one updated, so be it.

So, this chapters coming a little early because it's that weekend again. This time I'm going to Fort Dix. Yay.

Until later folks, Jackie out.