I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Eighteen:
Tsunade frowned as she reread her speech. Why the hell did the genin tests require so many damned speeches? She glanced at the clock on her desk and blew out a frustrated breath. The sun would be coming up any moment now. "Long night?"
"Wagh!" Tsunade glared at the man from where she had fallen off her chair to the floor.
"How do you do that Naruto?"
"I am a ninja," the blond pointed out from his perch on her windowsill.
"So am I," Tsunade growled, "and I've been one for longer than you. Now how do you keep sneaking up on me?"
"Maybe you're just getting soft," Naruto suggested. Tsunade redoubled her glare as she climbed to her feet. There was no way in hell that she was getting soft, right?
"Where's your better half?"
"I put her to bed," Naruto stated.
"Ah." Tsunade sat back down and fished in her desk for her bottle.
"You're writing speeches at a time like this?" Naruto asked.
"Politics must go on," Tsunade said. "You should know that as a kage."
"I try to keep politics out of my village," Naruto explained.
"What do you want Naruto?" It wasn't that Tsunade was unhappy to see her fellow blond, but the last few times he had popped up unexpected, he had brought bad news.
"What would Danzo do if the village was attacked?" Tsunade let out another frustrated breath and poured herself a tall glass of vodka. She was going to have to get more of this stuff.
"Why are you asking?"
"Theoretically," Naruto said. "Just humor me."
"I don't know," Tsunade replied. "I just found out that the man is probably plotting my demise so that he can take over the village."
"So you think he'd probably defend the village?" Naruto asked.
"Well, you can't rule over a pile of rubble and bodies," Tsunade said. "What do you know?"
"I don't know anything," Naruto stated cheerfully, "just ask Rumiko." Tsunade finished her drink and poured another one.
"Can you kill Danzo?"
"Absolutely," Naruto answered, "but he had at least one hundred Root ninja, possibly more. I might have to kill them all. Can you afford that kind of loss?" Tsunade scowled.
"Damn you and your logic." Naruto grinned at her. "How many ninja do you have in this village?"
"Fifty-two," Naruto answered, "nine of which are taking the Genin test."
"I see." Tsunade sipped her glass. "Can I trust you Naruto?"
"For now."
"When should I stop?"
"You'll know."
(:ii:)
Sakura pushed aside the banners closing off Ichiraku's from the street and slid into the open seat next to the man she was looking for. "Morning."
"Its afternoon Naruto," Sakura pointed out.
"I really don't care," the blond replied.
"Where's Anko?"
"Work," Naruto stated.
"So, she snapped out of it?"
"Well, I snapped her out of it."
"Hey Sakura." Sakura turned and smiled at Ayame. "You want your usual?"
"Yes, please." The waitress smiled and moved into the back to let her father know.
"You have a usual?"
"This place is close to the hospital," Sakura replied with a shrug, not willing to admit that she had begun eating at Ichiraku's to feel closer to her absent teammate.
"If you say so," Naruto said before slurping up another mouthful of his ramen and swallowing noisily. "So, what about Kaori?"
"I want to know some things first," Sakura stated as he own bowl arrive.
"Shoot," Naruto replied.
"What happened when you left this village?" Sakura asked.
"I hunted down Akatsuki," Naruto answered. "Then I beat up the Land of Earth, took over my village and I've been celebrating every since." Sakura stared at him until his next bowl of ramen arrived.
"Well," she began finally, "that's one way of summarizing a decade."
"You didn't say anything about details," Naruto said blankly.
"I want to punch you in the face so much right now," Sakura stated, hoping he understood the willpower it took to not do so. "What happened when you left this village?"
"I went hunting," Naruto stated. "Kisame was my first find. I beat his ass into a pulp."
"Why'd you let him live?" Sakura asked.
"Well, this bitch named Ryoko came traipsing into the middle of our fight and threw off my stride," Naruto explained. "After that it was a little hard to get back in my groove and I realized that I could use Kisame. He helped me hunt down the rest of the group."
"How long did that take?" Sakura asked.
"About a year and a half."
"You hunted down and destroyed an organization of S-class missing nin in a year and a half?" Sakura demanded.
"It would have taken me longer without Kisame," Naruto answered with a shrug.
"How did you beat Kisame?"
"With my fists," Naruto stated cheerfully. The glare Sakura gave him would have killed lesser men. "What?"
"Kisame Hoshigaki is the most physically powerful missing-nin in the bingo book," Sakura said simply. "How did you beat him in a fight?"
"What can I say?" Naruto asked. "I just did."
"You used the fox, didn't you?" Sakura asked.
"You can't use the fox," Naruto answered. "It gets into the fights it wants to get into."
"Did it want to fight Kisame?"
"Big time. It had been too long since it had a fun fight. There just aren't as many strong ninja in the world anymore. God it's depressing. You know, back in my day. . ."
"Naruto, focus."
"Sorry." Sakura took a deep breath.
"You're still holding out on me," she stated. "I want the full truth and nothing you can say is going to distract me." Naruto froze, a saucer of sake halfway to his lips.
"What?"
"I said, I want the full. . ."
"After that," the blond interrupted.
"Nothing you can say is going to distract me," Sakura repeated. Naruto nodded to himself and finished the saucer before setting it down.
"So, did you suddenly sprout those tits or did you borrow some jutsu out of Granny's book?"
(:ii:)
"You really think he'll be here?"
"Yep," Rumiko stated. "Its breakfast time and this is his favorite ramen joint."
"It's noon," Yui commented.
"It's Naruto," Rumiko replied.
"Ah, right. So, breakfast." They both froze in mid-stride as a shriek of feminine fury tore through the peaceful din of the street. "You were right."
"Of course I was right." Their boss burst out of the small ramen stand with his pink haired teammate in close pursuit. "Wow. She has a lot more brawler in her than I would have though."
"Yeah," Yui agreed. "Actually, I would have pegged her as an infiltrator."
"Why?"
"Do you know how hard it is to throw a good punch with boobs like that?" Rumiko's eyes narrowed. "Ooooh, right. Sorry. Never mind."
"You have boobs like that and you're a brawler."
"I also bind them," Yui pointed out.
"You shouldn't do that," Rumiko lectured. "It's bad for you. You should let them go free."
"You're an idiot and you're a pervert." Rumiko turned and found herself face-to-face with her boss.
"Why am I a pervert?" Yui demanded.
"No, you're the idiot and she's the pervert," Naruto corrected. "What are you two doing here?"
"We need you to be in attendance for the presentation of the genin," Rumiko answered.
"Alright. Let's get going."
"What about her?" Rumiko asked, jerking her thumb at where the pinkette was trying to smear Naruto's shadow clone.
"He'll keep her busy for a while," Naruto said simply as he turned and began leading the way.
"What did she say?" Yui asked.
"She told me that I couldn't distract her," the blond replied.
"I doubt she meant that as a challenge," Rumiko commented.
"Well, it doesn't matter how she meant it, it only matters how I took it and I took it as a challenge," Naruto argued. "You know, I ran into Yasu last night." Rumiko felt her eyebrow twitch. "What'd he ever do to you?"
"Remember how we stole that train?" she asked.
"I'm still very proud of you for that," Naruto stated.
"Well, did you happen to notice how you didn't see that train at the end of the track?" Rumiko continued.
"Nope, but please continue."
"Dumbass couldn't figure out how to slow the train and it derailed and crashed in the woods," Rumiko said.
"So you knocked him out and left him out there?" Naruto asked. Rumiko nodded. "You know, if you swung my way, you'd be my perfect woman sometimes."
"If I swung your way you'd probably drive me into switching sides," Rumiko countered. Yui snickered.
"That was a great comeback," she said. "I'll go on ahead and make sure everything's in place." Rumiko watched her former teammate go.
"God she's stupid," Naruto grumbled. "I don't get what you see in her."
"Amazing knockers and a world-class ass," Rumiko stated. "Plus, she hasn't slept with you." Naruto laughed uproariously at that. Rumiko let him keep laughing for a few minutes. "I talked to Kisame."
"So?"
"Akatsuki is coming here."
"Not so loud," Naruto hissed. "You'll ruin the surprise."
"So, you want them to attack?"
"I've been hunting those damn Uchiha for years," Naruto stated. "Now, they're coming to me. I can get both in one swoop and finally have a clear slate with no damned promises hanging over my head."
"So this is all about that promise, eh?"
"Yes, this is all about that promise."
"You know, for an evil monster, you certainly do like keeping promises."
"Lying is for you humans."
(:ii:)
"Do we really have to be here?" Yuki frowned and glanced back at her bodyguard. The big man was being surprisingly hesitant about going to the presentation of the genin.
"Did you pick a fight with Naruto again?"
"It's not him I'm worried about," Kisame muttered. Yuki started to ask what he meant, but hesitated when she saw a familiar face not too far off.
"Naruto!" The blond turned and grinned.
"Hey Yuki."
"Can't you call her Daimyo in public?" Rumiko complained.
"No," Naruto answered. He glanced at Kisame. "You're looking kind of twitchy Fish boy."
"Be nice," Yuki ordered. The blond could be so insensitive at times.
"Ooh!" Naruto exclaimed.
"Ooh, what?" Kisame demanded.
"You're scared of Tits McGee!"
"I'm not scared of Tits McGee!" Kisame snarled.
"Hi Kisame!"
"Wagh!" Kisame quickly clamped a hand over his mouth. "Hi Mei."
"Did you just scream like a little girl?" Naruto deadpanned.
"No."
"We just heard you scream like a little girl," Naruto pointed out.
"You can't prove that was me," Kisame stated.
"He's always done that when he's surprised," Mei stated. "I remember back when we were on a genin team. . ."
"Mei," Kisame interrupted, "not now, please?"
"Oh, right." Mei mimed locking her lips. "We should get together and go drinking later."
"Sure, Mei."
"You're scared of her?" Yuki asked.
"You'd be scared too if you knew her better," Kisame grumbled.
"Order! Order!" Yuki glanced up and caught sight of the Hokage.
"Come on Kisame, Naruto can mock you more later."
(:ii:)
Sakura scowled as she made her way towards the village's auditorium. This was not turning out to be a good day. Not only had Naruto ditched her with a clone, she hadn't even been able to kill that damned thing! "Hey Sakura."
"Hey Yuki," Sakura returned absently. It took her a moment to realize what had just appeared. "Oh! Sorry Lady Kaza. . ."
"Yuki," the daimyo interrupted. "You look pissed. Naruto?"
"Naruto," Sakura confirmed.
"Yeah, he has that affect on a lot of women," Yuki stated. "You didn't. . ."
"What?"
"You know. . ." Sakura's eyes shot open.
"No!"
"Okay, good." Yuki let out a sigh of relief. "I'd hate to see sex come between two friends."
"Did someone say sex?" Sakura spun and punched her old teammate. To her annoyance, he barely reacted to her hit.
"You ditched me!"
"Of course I did," Naruto countered. "I needed to be here." Sakura scowled at his reasoning. "So, Kaori?"
"You can have her!" Sakura snapped. "Unfortunately, it's too late to do anything for the first two stages of the testing."
"That's fine, I'm not much for book tests."
"Tell me about it," Yuki and Sakura grumbled in unison.
"Don't you two start. I get enough of that from Rumiko and Yui."
"You promised me that you would tell me what happened when we got back to the village," Sakura accused.
"I did, but I didn't say when," Naruto answered.
"He does that a lot," Yuki said. "Every time you think you have him locked into an ironclad promise, he finds an out."
"It's a habit," Naruto admitted.
"God damn it!" Sakura took several deep breaths before stepping forward to violate Naruto's personal space. "I will have the truth or I will have your balls." Both Yuki and Naruto watched her storm away.
"Was it really a good idea to piss her off?" Yuki asked.
"Seemed like one at the time," Naruto admitted.
"What does it seem like now?"
"Now, it kind of seems like a bad idea."
"I bet."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. I live! I also drink. No, seriously. I am extremely piss drunk right now. It took me five tries to log in to. I just know I'm going to have to go over this story again tomorrow when I'm more sober. I would hold the story back, but I haven't updated in. . .what. . .six weeks?
Alright folks, I do believe that I have tied up all loose ends and can get back to updating on a regular schedule. The key word there is "believe." As you should know, belief is not my specialty.
In order to get back into the real swing of things, I believe I should bring up an old fashioned Mister C. Bitch Fest, so here we go. The KFC Double Down. According to most of America, this is an evil on par with anything. I have faced this horror and must admit that it was delicious. Why does most of America's media seem to think this wonder is so dangerous? Because Americans always need a scapegoat. Why are American's fat? because of the evil fast food industry. It can't be anyone's fault. It must be KFC's.
Am I the only one who sees a problem here? Do you know what I did after I ate three Double Downs? I ran three miles and worked out for an hour in the gym. Overkill? Maybe. Impossible? Hardly. I am far from being the most in shape American. If I can do it, chances are, anyone can do it.
Excuse me for thinking that a threat that can be defeated by working out isn't much of a threat.
If none of this makes sense, than I must remind you: I just finished four White Russians and several Yuenglings. Good night!