I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Nineteen
Kaori scowled as she hammered on the door in front of her. Not only had her sensei pawned her off onto her old teammate, but now said teammate wasn't even answering his door. "Cut that shit out!" Wait, scratch that. He hadn't been answering his door.
"Naruto, it's me! Open up!"
"God damn it." The door burst open and Kaori's mind blanked out as she found herself face-to-face with a very naked Naruto. "I knew it was you. Now, what the hell do you want?" Unfortunately, Kaori was in no way emotionally ready to deal with the blond sans clothes.
"Uh. . .well. . .I. . .well. . ." Naruto stared at her for a moment in confusion before glancing down.
"Stay," he ordered before slamming the door shut. Kaori probably wouldn't have moved even if he hadn't said anything. The door banged back open a moment later and the blond reappeared, this time wearing pants. "Now, what the hell do you want?"
"Sakura said that you were going to be teaching me," Kaori managed without stuttering. Naruto stared at her contemplatively for a moment before stepping aside and waving her into his apartment.
"She told you to come to my apartment?"
"Yeah!" Naruto's eyebrow rose. "I think. Maybe?"
"I'm not helping you with the book test," Naruto clarified. "Books aren't really my thing." Kaori felt her stomach drop. She wasn't much for book tests either and she had kind of been hoping he could help her with that.
"What about the survival test?" she pressed.
"It's cake. Don't die and kill everything else that moves," Naruto answered as he moved into the kitchen and began hunting through the cupboards.
"Who are you talking to?" someone called from the bedroom.
"We have company," Naruto called back. "Put on some clothes."
"Aww, but I thought your little secretary liked ogling. . ." the woman trailed off as she walked into the room and caught sight of Kaori. "That's not Rumiko."
"I noticed," Naruto replied.
"Isn't she a little young?"
"I'm thirteen!" Kaori protested. Her mind caught up to her mouth a few seconds later. "Wait, what are we talking about?"
"Well, thirteen's fine I guess," the woman stated. Her face lit up rather suddenly. "I bet I could turn you into a real femme fatale!" In a flash she was behind Kaori and groping her. "Hey, these ain't bad for a thirteen-year-old. With a little training, you'd have guys hopping on their own kunai for you!"
"She freaking you out?" Naruto asked as he prepared a cup of noodles.
"A little," Kaori admitted, too shocked to do anything else.
"Would it help if she put on some clothes?"
"I don't think so."
"How about if I told you that she probably does have your best interest at heart?" Naruto added.
"Maybe." To Kaori's great relief, the blond finally stepped in and swatted the other woman's hands away from her.
"Leave her alone Anko," he ordered. "The only person allowed to traumatize my apprentices is me."
"Yeah!" Kaori agreed, finally managing to overcome her shock enough to find righteous fury in her own embarrassment. "Wait. . .what?"
(:ii:)
Naruto slurped down a mouthful of noodles and pondered the situation he was in. He really hadn't planned on putting up with Kaori today. Of course, it wasn't like he actually had anything planned anyway. "Rumiko!"
"What?" Anko asked.
"We can get Rumiko to help her with the book test," Naruto explained.
"Why? It's not like that stupid test actually. . ." Naruto silenced his purple-haired paramour with a single look. She pouted and poked at her cup of ramen. "It's stupid."
"It serves it's purpose," Naruto stated before glancing up at the clock on the wall. Rumiko would probably pop up any time now to try to get him to do something. "You remember Rumiko, right?"
"I think she wants to kill me," Kaori stated.
"At this point, that's probably the best you could hope for," Naruto grumbled. He'd have to sit both Rumiko and Anko down and give them a lecture on molesting his new student. "That big guy's running the test again, right?"
"Yep," Anko answered. "Ibiki sometimes manages to make genin quit just by walking into a room. Sometimes a few quit when he takes off his bandana." Naruto sighed in disgust.
"Genin these days. You know, in my day. . ."
"You mean back when I helped administer your genin test?" Anko interrupted, bringing Naruto up short.
"Uh. . .yeah."
"You administered his test?" Kaori asked. "How'd he do?"
"He failed."
"I did not fail," Naruto corrected, "the village came under attack and the tests were necessarily postponed."
"Your little Nara friend passed," Anko pointed out.
"So, did you have to retest?" Kaori pressed. Naruto frowned and considered that.
"Well, I guess I could have at some point."
"Wait, you're still a genin?" Kaori asked. The blond didn't answer. "Does that mean that if I make chunin I can order you around?"
"I like the way you think, kiddo," Anko stated, slinging an arm around the girl's shoulders and inadvertently hugging the girl's head to her naked breast. Naruto was kept from intervening again by Rumiko's timely appearance, in the form of his door almost being pounded off its hinges.
"Why the hell is this door wedged shut!"
"Oh good," Naruto muttered as he dug a wad of yen out of his pocket and pressed it into Kaori's hand.
"Go get ramen."
"You just had ramen," Kaori protested.
"Now," Naruto ordered. "Ichiraku's beef. Ten bowls."
"This is way more than I need!" Kaori added, fanning through the cash.
"Consider the extra A-rank pay," Naruto stated, "because if the ramen is cold when you get back here, I am going to introduce you to a whole new spectrum of pain. Like a pain rainbow. Understand?"
"Got it," Kaori squeaked, quickly heading for the door.
"Use the window." The genin didn't bother protesting as she changed course in mid-step and hopped out the window before Naruto opened his door.
"What the hell took you?" Rumiko demanded. Naruto waved her in and shut the door behind her.
"Sit."
"Don't tell me to. . ."
"Sit." Rumiko sat. Then she nudged her chair as close to Anko's as possible. Naruto sat as well and considered the two women in front of him. "Both of you listen and listen good. I have a new student."
"Didn't I tell you that you couldn't have any more students until you learned to care for the properly?" Rumiko asked.
"You two are not allowed to do anything funny to her," Naruto said, ignoring his assistant.
"Her?" Rumiko asked, immediately perking up.
"Kaori," Naruto explained. "She's thirteen and I know that's too young for you, but I don't know how desperate you are yet."
"Not that desperate," Rumiko growled.
"I could take care of that for you," Anko offered.
"Not that desperate either."
"Yet," Naruto added for her. "Listen, I need you to try and bring her up to speed for her book test. . ."
"Tomorrow," Anko supplied.
"Tomorrow," Naruto said.
"It doesn't really matter," Anko stated. "The test doesn't count."
"The genin don't know that," Naruto said. "If that little scare at the end can make a genin quit, that genin doesn't deserve to be a ninja and I won't waste my time on them." They remained silent for a few minutes.
"So, does Sakura know what you intend to do to her genin?" Rumiko asked finally.
"I promised her I wouldn't seriously injure the girl," Naruto answered.
"So, what's your plan then?"
"Being on a team with her over-achieving twin and the rookie of year, Kaori's developed a nice big red button labeled 'Inferiority Complex," Naruto stated. "I'm going to mash the hell out of that button until she either becomes an outstanding ninja or kills herself. Whichever comes first."
(:ii:)
"I'm back!" Kaori called as she pushed her new teacher's door open. She stepped into the spacious apartment beyond and hesitated. Naruto had been joined by another woman, but at least she was wearing clothes.
"Did you get the ramen?"
"Still hot," Kaori confirmed as she set down the pack that the lady at the ramen shack had been nice enough to lone her. She glanced at the new woman and recognized the lady who had threatened to kill her, resurrect her, and then mount her head on a pole outside the Village of Snow. "Hi."
"Hi," Rumiko returned. "As Naruto already told you, he wants me to go over the test with you."
"Yeah. Thanks." Kaori wasn't sure whether to be happy about that or not.
"And she'll be doing it under my supervision," Naruto added making Rumiko grit her teeth, but not argue.
"What's he talking about?" Kaori asked.
"Ask again when you're legal," Anko said cheerfully.
"I'm legal now," Kaori argued.
"Ask in four or five years," Rumiko answered.
"Or a few more days depending on her desperate she is," Naruto noted.
(:ii:)
Kisame couldn't help but sigh in disgust as he stepped into his boss's apartment and took in the scene. "Isn't she a little young?"
"She's my new apprentice," Naruto stated from where he was sitting on the couch.
"Then why's she naked?" Kisame pressed, pointing at Anko who was spooning against Naruto's side.
"Because she wants to be," Naruto answered. "I was about to tell her to get dressed though, since she's distracting Rumiko."
"She's not distracting me!" Rumiko called from the kitchen table where she was pouring over scrolls with Naruto's new 'apprentice.'
"What's up Fish Boy?"
"Is there somewhere we could talk privately?"
"Need dating advice for Tits McGee?" Naruto asked. "It pains me to allow that ship to sail, but a woman would be good for you."
"I do not need dating advice," Kisame growled. "I need to talk to you in privacy." Naruto shrugged and formed a few hand signs. A white circle flared to life briefly around them and faded away. "What was that?"
"Privacy barrier," Naruto stated. "It's, like, the second thing you learn in politics. Right after how to assassinate someone and get away with it."
"That's kind of cool," Kisame commented.
"I know that one," Anko said. "It's great for quickies with screamers."
"Does everything come back to sex with you two?"
"Pretty much," Naruto answered. "What's up?"
"Actually, we need a little more privacy than that," Kisame said, glancing at Anko.
"Just spill it," Naruto ordered.
"Akatsuki is in position," Kisame stated. "They're ready to attack."
"And yet they haven't," Naruto commented.
"True," Kisame allowed. "I have no idea what they're waiting for, but I suggest a preemptive strike. We have a dozen of the village's heavy hitters here. We could take on a country if necessary. I have a plan. . ."
"You have a plan?" Naruto asked.
"I got bored and came up with it, okay?" Kisame demanded. "I have every intention of abandoning it at the first sign of trouble. Now, my plan is to. . ."
"No."
"No?"
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"I'm going to beat you to death if you keep that up," Naruto growled. "No, we are not attacking them."
"Why not?"
"We attack them, the Uchiha might rabbit," Naruto answered. "I need that one Uchiha alive and I need to kill the other one."
"Fine by me," Kisame stated. He glanced back at Anko. "What about you?"
"Well, I know this is my village and all, but most of the people here are dicks," Anko stated. "It doesn't really sound like you're going to let the place get wiped out, so I'm okay with it."
"You loyalty is inspiring," Kisame commented. "And yes," he interrupted Naruto before the blond could speak, "I am aware of the irony there, though I would like to point out that I have loyally served you for years."
"Only because you're scare of me," Naruto pointed out.
"Also because I don't have to live on the road," Kisame added. "I will betray anything for my nice memory foam mattress."
"What do you know," Naruto said blankly, "everybody really does have a price."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Yet again I let this run too late and now I'm throwing up something that I haven't had time to proofread.
Speaking of proofreading, I really need to get around to fixing the previous chapters. They're a bit of a mess. You see, I have this problem where if I come up with a funny enough joke, I will stop the plot to use it. I also despise anything serious that drags on too long for my taste so I will completely destroy a tense scene with a joke. Most of you have probably already noticed this.
Happy Memorial Day. Don't party too hard, and remember that there is a reason for this holiday beyond barbeques.