I don't own anything.
Nothing But Trouble
-Chapter Twenty-Two
Sakura groaned as light burned through her eyelids and forced her into wakefulness. "Ah, finally awake, are you?" Sakura opened her eyes blearily and found her old teammate staring down at her.
"I did it again, didn't I?"
"Did what?" Naruto asked.
"I got really drunk and blacked out, right?" Sakura asked, fearing the answer.
"Do you do that a lot?"
"A lot more than I would prefer," Sakura admitted. "What did I do?"
"Well, actually, you throttled me and explained that you would hit me until answers came out like some. . .kind of. . .answer-filled. . .piñata or something. God, I'm bad at metaphors."
"Is that all?" Sakura asked.
"Yeah, and actually, you didn't black out," Naruto answered. "I kind of poked your L5 chakra point." Sakura reached up to the side of her neck and frowned as she felt a scrap of cloth.
"You're kidding, right? A band aide?"
"You know, pretty much the only downside to being able to heal almost instantaneously, is that you pretty much don't bother with learning healing techniques," Naruto replied.
"You can't even heal a senbon wound?" Sakura asked. "They teach that in the academy!"
"I barely graduated the academy," Naruto countered.
"And I'm letting you teach my genin," Sakura grumbled. "What was I thinking?"
"That you'd probably end up killing her if you kept trying to teach her yourself?" Naruto suggested.
"Yeah, probably," Sakura admitted. She sat up tentatively and frowned at the lack of nausea. "I feel kind of good."
"I messed with your R6 chakra point too," Naruto answered. Sakura reached up and raised an eyebrow at the lack of another bandage on the opposite side of her neck. "Oh, that. I figured that the one senbon was already in your neck so I used it to hit the other point."
"You stuck a senbon needle through my neck?" Sakura shrieked. "What the hell is the matter with you?"
"Oh, relax. I know more about human anatomy than anyone on this planet," Naruto stated dismissively, "although, you know that tingling in your feet?" Sakura nodded as she noticed said tingling. "If that doesn't go away in an hour you should probably talk to Granny." That was when the door banged open and Kiba stormed in.
"Naruto, if she's not. . .oh, you're awake."
"Yeah," Sakura answered as she glanced around and recognized the room she was in as Kiba's guest room.
"See? I told you she'd be fine," Naruto stated.
"You stabbed her in the neck. . ."
"You don't stab people with senbon," Naruto interrupted. "You poke them." Kiba stared at the blond in shock for a few seconds before regaining his composure. "And as I said, she's fine."
"You also said that you've studied human anatomy longer than my clan's been around," Kiba said finally.
"Yeah, that kind of slipped out," Naruto replied sheepishly. He glanced back at Sakura. "You want to go get breakfast? My treat for poking you." He frowned as he considered his words. "Okay, you know what? Let's going with stabbing, just this once."
"Sure," Sakura drawled as she climbed out of the bed. "Why not?"
"Great!" Naruto grinned broadly and stepped past Kiba into the hallway.
"Are you sure you feel okay?" the dog nin asked.
"I'm fine," Sakura said reassuringly. "Don't worry." Kiba frowned for a moment before stepping aside to let her go out into the hall. Sakura had to hurry down the stairs to catch up with her old teammate. "You really stuck a senbon through my neck?"
"Not through," Naruto whined.
"Semantics," Sakura countered. The blond stared at her blankly. "Never mind. Where did you learn to use senbons so precisely?"
"Some bitch named Ryoko," Naruto answered. "Actually, I always knew how to use senbon, I just never did because I didn't know how much fun they could be."
"Oh," Sakura replied, thinking hard. She knew that name. "Wait, the woman who got between you and Kisame?"
"Yep," Naruto replied. "She was a royal pain in my ass."
"Was?" Sakura pressed.
"She'd dead. I didn't do it."
"I didn't say you did," Sakura pointed out.
"I mean, I really, really wanted to, but she died all by herself before I could," Naruto added. "I know it saved me the trouble, but I feel defeated. I hate being defeated in such a manner!"
"So, you don't mind being defeated in other ways?" Sakura asked, at a loss for anything else to say.
"Not really," Naruto admitted, "but I really wanted to kill her. She was a smart ass, annoying bitch."
"Yeah, you seem to attract those like lint," Sakura commented.
"Tell me about it. It's as if some evil, omnipotent power is toying with me for his own sick amusement," Naruto growled.
"Why'd you let her live in the first place?" Sakura asked, wanting to cut off Naruto's fast approaching rant against the gods before anything bad happened.
"She was useful."
"How so?"
"She was good at sealing," Naruto stated.
"Aren't you good at sealing?"
"I'm the best," Naruto corrected. "I just have certain. . .you know. . .problems."
"You're mumbling," Sakura commented.
"I have trouble unsealing things," Naruto admitted. "I just can't get the hold of it and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble."
"Really now?"
(:ii:)
Rumiko paused as she heard familiar and unfamiliar peals of laughter drifting out of the ramen stand. She recognized Naruto's, surprisingly not maniacal, laughter, but she couldn't place the other. She swept aside the curtain and came up short again. "Sakura?" The pink-haired woman and Naruto both turned to look at her. "Having. . .fun?"
"Just talking about you actually," Sakura stated.
"Me? What about me?"
"Does the phrase, 'at least you're not a total loss,' ring any bells?" Naruto asked. Rumiko scowled.
"Masashi," she growled, remembering when the old bastard had grabbed her ass the first time they had met. She also smirked as she remembered the epic beating she had given him.
"Yeah, that guy does love big knockers," Naruto commented.
"Well excuse me for being a B-cup!" Rumiko snapped. Every other person in the small stand turned to look at her and she felt her ears burn.
"Have a seat," Naruto stated, "and a drink." Rumiko sat down and accepted the saucer of sake, which she quickly downed. "You know, he reminds me of someone in that respect."
"I have no idea who you're referring to," Rumiko said flatly. "How did I even come up in this conversation?"
"We were talking about the past," Naruto answered.
"Yeah, apparently Naruto woke up this morning and decided to stop messing with me," Sakura stated.
"I was going to tell you," Naruto stated. "You just never asked." Sakura froze.
"What?" she asked.
"Well, you threatened a lot and tried to get me drunk, but you never asked," Naruto pointed out.
"I did too ask!" Sakura snapped.
"Well, yeah, but then you said that there was nothing I could do to distract you."
"So?" Sakura demanded.
"If you tell Naruto he either can't or shouldn't do something, he will," Rumiko explained. "You get used to it, and it makes him really easy to use." Sakura took several deep breaths, visibly calming herself.
"Whatever," she stated as she rose. "I need to go to work." Rumiko watched her ass all the way to the door.
"Still no bites?"
"I don't think there's a single lesbian, or even a bi, in this whole village," she groused before turning back to find the cute waitress standing in front of her. "Unless. . .you. . ."
"No," Ayame stated quickly. "Can I help you in a different way?"
"Diet ramen."
"Coming right up!"
"Thanks." The waitress nodded and disappeared into the back.
"Did you just preposition Ayame?"
"Why not?" Rumiko countered. Naruto shrugged and finished another bottle. "So, the past?"
"More or less," Naruto answered. "Maybe a little more less."
"What did you tell her exactly?"
"I told her what she wanted to hear," Naruto answered.
"Which means you left a lot out," Rumiko stated.
"Not a lot, just one little. . ."
". . .big," Rumiko corrected.
". . .big event," Naruto allowed. "Besides, technically I am Naruto Uzumaki."
"No you aren't," Rumiko stated.
"It's the name I took," Naruto stated, "and it's more real than most I've had over the centuries."
"What makes you say that?" Rumiko asked.
"It's a memorial to a good man," Naruto stated, "a man worth remembering, even if I'm the only one who knew him and now knows he's gone."
"You're getting pretty good at lying," Rumiko commented. "I thought that went against your principles."
"I'm learning from the best," Naruto said.
"Humans?"
"Women," Naruto corrected, "and I didn't lie. I just didn't bring something up."
"Then again, I guess talking in circles is in your nature," Rumiko said. "Kimiko's team made it through the forest in record time. The other two teams were a few hours behind. A team from the Sand made it four hours afterwards. No other teams have shown up yet."
"Give Kimiko's team a bonus equivalent to a day-long A-rank mission," Naruto ordered. "Give the other two B-rank pay."
"Already did it," Rumiko replied as her bowl arrived. "You know, it kind of freaks me out when we're working on the same wavelength."
"Yeah," Naruto answered as he watched a curvy young woman walk out. He glanced back at Rumiko and noticed that she was watching too. "It happens more than either of us would admit."
"I know," Rumiko admitted. "I've also got word from Kisame that they're bringing in even more people."
"They?"
"They," Rumiko stated.
"Oh, right. They." Akatsuki. "How many?"
"A lot," Rumiko answered. "A whole lot. This isn't an infiltration, assassination and sabotage team. This is an army and letting them attack sounds like a hell of a lot of trouble to go through just for your petty revenge."
"Sounds like fun," Naruto corrected, "and it's not just for revenge. It's for revenge, fun, revenge, profit, revenge finally getting this god-damned promise off my back and maybe even a little. . ."
"Revenge?"
"Same wavelength again."
"What are we going to do?"
"This changes nothing."
"So we're going to sit on our asses until they attack?" Rumiko asked. "Didn't you promise that guy that you'd protect his village?"
"I will," Naruto insisted. "I'll keep it from being completely destroyed. Besides, a little war will be good for everyone. They're getting too soft. They need something to remind them that this world is cruel and will dispatch the weak with vim and vigor."
"Naruto, this isn't shaping up to be a little war."
"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a world conflict yet."
"You haven't gotten Kisame's estimates yet," Rumiko stated, "and, in case you forgot, all the major village leaders are here. This is a potential world conflict. You're grinning."
"I am?" Naruto asked. "Huh. I am."
"Don't forget that you can't unseal your chakra if things get hairy this time," Rumiko added. Naruto laughed and pulled up his sleeve to reveal one of the seals that Masashi had given him.
"So, the old man told you, did he?"
"He did," Rumiko confirmed. "I think he thought that knowing you were weakened would cause us to rise up against you."
"Why didn't you?"
"I also think that he didn't know that you had sealed half your chakra away during the war with Earth. . .for your own amusement," Rumiko explained.
"It keeps life interesting," Naruto said. "Curb stomping everybody with no effort gets really boring."
"If you say so." Rumiko's ramen arrived and she dug in. "You really think you can stop an invading army all by yourself again?"
"Don't you guys want in?"
"Good point. Do you really think we stand a chance?"
"We'd better. I'm betting this ramen stand on our skills."
"And the lives of all your friends and your daimyo, right?"
"Yeah, I guess those too."
(:ii:)
"I can't believe you ditched me to go to a party!" Naruto sighed and opened a new beer. "Are you listening to me?"
"Yes. I didn't ditch you, you weren't even home!" Anko pouted and snatched the offered beer out of his hand.
"Well, I had to take care of all the brats," she growled. "You know, your girl's team arrived just after sundown. That's pretty impressive. Normal time for the course is three days."
"My patented 'inferiority button mashing' technique for teaching brats has won out once again!" Naruto sipped his beer in congratulations to himself.
"Can't argue with results," Anko commented after a moment. "The whole team is in the infirmary for fatigue, but they passed."
"I'll visit later," Naruto said.
"The other villages have reported that some of their people have gone missing," Anko added. "They just disappeared off the face of the earth in the forests surround the village."
"So? The forest is the dangerous place."
"Some of those people were really powerful," Anko stated. "Is this Akatsuki?"
"Probably." Anko sipped her beer silently.
"I've read the bios of some of the guys who disappeared," she stated finally. "I meant it when I said that they were really. . ."
"You want to help me train Kaori?" The purple haired woman came up short at the interruption.
"What?"
"Do you want to help me train Kaori?" Naruto asked. "Just, no groping this time, okay?"
"What about the terrorist army. . ."
"They'll wait until they attack before attacking," Naruto answered sagely. Anko gawked at him for a moment before grinning and snuggling up to his side.
"I knew there was a reason I liked you."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Yeah, time to inch the plot along, I guess. Ah, plot. The only thing keeping me from slipping completely into crack.
Sorry about last week. I was a few sheets to the wind and suddenly my computer froze, thus destroying half this chapter when I was in no shape to try and rewrite it.
Anyway, quite a few people have asked me what I was doing this year for the Corps, so I figured I might as well explain it here. I was getting drunk in North Carolina. Yeah. That's about it. I mean, sure we refueled Harriers, but most of our time was spent drunk in the lounge watching movies.
We also went to Myrtle Beach. At least, it might have been Myrtle Beach. I actually think I died for a while and went to heaven instead. That place is fucking awesome. There was this giant kind of outdoor strip mall thing across the street from our hotel. It had ziplines across a man-made lagoon, mini golf, an IMAX theatre, an aquarium and a whole section devoted to clubs. There was a place called Senor Frogs. Its beauty still brings tears to my eyes.
Also, one funny story for you. So, I'm driving down a road I routinely speed on and I see a guy who got pulled over. 'Sucks to be him,' I thought as I slowed and passed. Then I considered what was in my car. Here's an abbreviated list. In the trunk was: bolt cutters, a pry bar, a machete, a Stag Model 8 and my SIG-Sauer P220. In the back seat was: two bottles of ninety-proof rum and a sixer of beer. And, lastly, in the passenger seat beside me were one hundred rounds of 5.56mm, three hundred rounds of .45, and the four-inch combat knife I keep since I don't have a CCW permit yet.
So, yeah. It's probably a good thing I didn't get pulled over. I mean, all that stuff is legal, but I'd probably have a hard time explaining it all if I got searched.