I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble:
-Chapter Twenty-Four
"What the fuck?" Naruto blinked blearily in the early morning sunshine as someone continued to hammer on his door.
"Not it," Anko mumbled as she burrowed in beside him.
"God damn it." Naruto climbed out of his bed and managed to pull on a pair of pants without falling. He staggered to the front door and ripped it open, fully prepared to unleash hell on whomever had awoken him. Unfortunately, they opened up on him first.
"You asshole!"
"It's early, Kisame," Naruto whined, taking note of the redhead clinging to the taller man's arm. "Have a good time?"
"It was just like when we were Chunin together!" Mei stated happily.
"Wait, you two dated?"
"Yes," Kisame stated.
"And you still left the village?" Naruto continued.
"Yes."
"You are seriously a fruit."
"I am not a fruit!" Kisame roared, making Naruto's head throb.
"I can vouch for him," Mei added.
"Ever heard of a beard?" Naruto countered. The redhead stared at him blankly. "Never mind." He waved them both in and slumped onto the couch. "So, what'd you two get up to?"
"It was wonderful!" Mei gushed. "Kisame always was a romantic at heart."
"Oh?" Naruto asked, perking up as he heard new fodder to mock the man with.
"I am not a romantic!" Kisame declared. "I am a blood thirsty warrior!"
"First he took me to this lovely, secluded restaurant," Mei said, "and then we walked through this wonderful little park in the moonlight."
"Did I hear someone about to get to the good parts?" Naruto glanced over and saw Anko peeking out of their bedroom.
"Not that I was going to stick around for," he stated as he climbed to his feet. Anko giddily took his place.
"Okay, spill!"
"Oh, I couldn't," Mei giggled, using her hands to hide her cheeks as she blushed.
"Yes you could!"
"Well, alright then." Naruto made a hasty run for the door with Kisame in close pursuit. They quickly slammed the door behind them.
"Safe."
"Yeah," Kisame agreed.
"I didn't need to know anything more about you," Naruto added.
"And I didn't need a critique of my performance by any woman that's fucked an ancient man whore like you."
"I'm not a man whore," Naruto protested. "I just. . .really get around."
"You're a freak."
"In this case, yeah, that's true."
"And I just realized that I left my girlfriend alone with your equally freaky girlfriend."
"She's not that freaky."
"She wasn't wearing any clothes!"
"She just woke up," Naruto protested. "Wait, did you just call Mei your girlfriend?" Kisame's eyes bugged out and he reflexively clapped a hand over his mouth. "Kisame's got a girlfriend!"
"Oh, grow up!"
(:ii:)
Sakura sighed as she strolled down the street. She could already hear Naruto yelling from fifty feet away. After a moment to regain her composure, she walked up to the ramen shop and swept aside the curtains. "Good morning Naruto."
"Hey Sakura," the blond replied absently.
"You're up early. I thought I'd have to wait for you."
"Yeah, Kisame's girl chased me out of my apartment," Naruto admitted before turning back to his companion. "I swear to God Kisame, if you say you aren't dating her, I will sweep in and take that redhead out from under your nose."
"Don't you dare," the blue skinned man growled.
"So, she is your girlfriend."
"She is not my girlfriend."
"Who?" Sakura asked as she sat beside the blond.
"The Mizukage," Naruto answered.
"The Mizukage is your girlfriend?" Sakura asked in surprise.
"What's that supposed to mean?" the blue skinned man snapped.
"Well, she's. . .she's the Mizukage and you're. . .you're you," Sakura answered.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Kisame demanded.
"You're a former missing nin that defected from her village," Sakura stated.
"He's also her ex-boyfriend who ran out on her," Naruto added. Kisame glared at them both for a moment before turning to stare sullenly into his ramen.
"So, what's up Sakura?"
"I was hoping to talk to you about Kaori," Sakura stated. "I know you're having you're first training session today."
"You're training a genin?" Kisame interrupted. "Does Rumiko know?"
"Yeah," Naruto answered. "Why?"
"Didn't she ban you from every teaching a genin again?" That brought the blond up short.
"I forgot about that." This was not what Sakura was hoping to hear. "I guess she forgot about that too."
"Rumiko did not forget about Takahashi!" Kisame snapped. "She stills tries to bride me every one in a while to kill him."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Sakura took several deep breaths in order to calm herself.
"Naruto, listen to me."
"Listening," the blond replied.
"Are you?"
"Yeah."
"Really?"
"Of course." Sakura glared at him, trying to gain his full attention.
"Look, don't hurt Kaori."
"Ninja training is dangerous and injury is always a risk," Naruto stated.
"Okay," Sakura allowed, "don't turn my genin into a raving lunatic."
"Like Takumi," Kisame supplied.
"Takumi is not a raving lunatic," Naruto stated. "At least, not all the time. He only raves when he's been drinking." Sakura sighed in defeat.
"Naruto?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you listening?"
"Of course."
"Really?"
"Yeah!"
"I'm going to check in with Kaori after your training," Sakura stated. "If you broke her, I will have your balls. Do you understand?"
"Literally or figuratively?" Naruto asked.
"Literally," Sakura stated. "I will have your balls nailed to my hearth above my fireplace. Understand?"
"Check. Don't worry. I won't permanently scar her." Sakura didn't seem to catch the mumbled 'maybe' he slipped in while he slurped his noodles.
(:ii:)
Kaori frowned as she came out of the woods and into the clearing that Naruto had specified. She was a bit early, but she could already hear the bickering coming from the three people standing in the middle of the field. "I'm sure Naruto knows what he's doing," Anko said calmly.
"God doesn't know what Naruto's doing!" Rumiko exclaimed. "What in the hell makes you think he knows what he's doing?"
"I have been around for a while," Naruto volunteered from where he was sprawled on his back staring at the clouds. "Trust me; I know exactly what I'm doing."
"Fine," Rumiko growled. "I guess the question isn't whether or not you know what you're doing, but rather if what you're doing is in our best interest."
"Jesus, Rumiko, are we really back to this again?" Naruto whined. "I told you, I promised that I would. . .hi Kaori."
"Hey Naruto." Kaori moved cautiously to join the three. "I'm not interrupting, am I?"
"Of course not!" Naruto replied as he stood up. "You're on time!" Kaori smiled cautiously. "Alright, step one to being a great ninja," the blond pulled out a kunai, "killing people!"
"Alright," Kaori replied as she cautiously took the kunai. "I think I can do this."
"Good!" Naruto answered. "Now come at me with killing intent." Kaori's mind blanked for a moment.
"Oh! This is some kind of test, right?" she asked. "Like, you're going to duck at the last moment or something, right?"
"Nope. We have to make sure you can kill," Naruto stated. "Now, the neck is usually a great target. There are a lot of lightly-protected fun things there and if you get a few of them, you have instant incapacitation, which is good, and copious bleeding, which is both good and pretty cool."
"I'm not going to stab you!" Kaori snapped. Naruto shrank a bit.
"Oh, now I see why Sakura pawned you off." Kaori's eye ticked. "You know, I bet you Satomi could do it. And I know Haruka could do it."
"Shut up!" Kaori punched the man and shrieked in surprise as a spray of warm blood splashed across her fact. The kunai! She had completely forgotten about the kunai!
(:ii:)
Anko watched impassively as Kaori, sobbing and gibbering nonsense, chased after her boyfriend as the man sprinted around the clearing like a chicken with its head chopped off. Considering the amount of blood he was losing, that wasn't too far off. She glanced back at the blond behind her and pinched him. "Ow!"
"Huh, it is you," Anko commented.
"Yeah, it's me," Naruto grumbled, rubbing his ass where she had pinched him.
"Then, who's that?" Anko asked, pointing at the bleeding blond.
"Shadow clone," Naruto answered.
"Shadow clones don't bleed," Anko stated reasonably.
"Mine do."
"They're not shadow clones," Rumiko corrected. "It's a different technique that he just calls a shadow clone."
"Bleeding implies life," Anko reasoned. "Are they alive?"
"I don't know." Naruto formed a single seal and another Naruto popped up right beside him. "What do you say buddy, are you alive?" The clone immediately turned into a woman.
"I feel pretty alive, cutie," she stated. Naruto quickly dispersed that clone.
"Your inner feminine side, again?" Rumiko ventured.
"I have no inner feminine side!" Naruto declared.
"You know, she's been popping up a lot more lately," Rumiko added. "Maybe you're suppressing her too much."
"You're just saying that because you know she's got a crush on you," Naruto grumbled.
"Your clones have distinct personalities?" Anko pressed.
"Of course they do, they're me," Naruto answered.
"I can't stop the bleeding!" They turned and saw that Kaori had finally managed to tackle Naruto's clone and was trying desperately to stop the bleeding.
"So," Anko began, "what part of training involves traumatizing your student?"
"The part that makes her an effective ninja," Naruto answered.
"So, effective ninja are insane?" Anko continued.
"Well, the jobs is to commit one of society's greatest taboos, so: yeah, pretty much."
"But. . .what. . .you. . .you're. . ." Kaori sputtered as she looked from one blond to another. "It's. . .it's a clone?"
"Yup," Naruto answered cheerfully. "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Kaori stared at him blankly for a moment before lunging.
"You asshole!" Naruto gracefully sidestepped the enraged teen and hip tossed her into the ground. "Ow."
"Alright," the blond stated, "lesson two: using your enemy's. . ."
"I think he's dead," Anko commented as she poked the clone.
"What?"
"I think he's dead," Anko repeated. She kneeled and checked the clone's pulse. "No, I'm pretty sure he is dead."
"Can your clones die?" Rumiko asked.
"I have no idea," Naruto answered. "Usually they dispel themselves, but I told him to hang around for a while." Rumiko kneeled as well and prodded the corpse contemplatively.
"Can I have. . ."
"No."
"You didn't even let me. . ."
"I didn't need to," Naruto interrupted again. "You can not have my body."
"Oh, come on," Rumiko whined. "You aren't using it!"
"I am not letting the crazy woman who can resurrect dead people have my dead body," Naruto stated before turning back to Kaori. "Alright, the revised lesson two: destroying bodies to keep them away from enemies. . .and friends."
(:ii:)
"See you tomorrow!" Naruto waved cheerfully as Kaori staggered away in a daze. "What do you guys think: too much?"
"Maybe a little," Rumiko replied.
"That was nothing compared to my ANBU training," Anko said dismissively.
"She's not an ANBU," Rumiko pointed out. "She's a genin." Anko considered that for a moment.
"Maybe you got a point there," she said thoughtfully. "I don't think so though. I always preferred the "throw them in the deep end and see" method of teaching."
"Are you allowed to teach anyone around here?" Rumiko pressed.
"Well, no, but they let me torture people." Anko pondered that for a moment. "You think that's related?"
"Maybe," Rumiko stated. "You know, you should defect. You'd fit right in with the rest of the village."
"You'd have to offer me more than that," Anko replied.
"Naruto's in charge."
"Sold!" Rumiko could only sigh in disgust. "What? You've never fucked him. He's amazing."
"He's right here," Naruto commented. "He also just remember something. He remembers that Rumiko banned him from ever teaching genin again."
"Rumiko banned him from ever teaching our genin again," Rumiko stated.
"Anko's gonna kill the next motherfucker that speaks in the third person," Anko added.
"Fine," Naruto said. "And I remember, you banned me from teaching genin, period." He stared at her contemplatively. "You're buttering me up!"
"Am not!" Rumiko snapped.
"Yes you are. You gave me a genin to traumatize just to get on my good side," Naruto insisted. "You know, that hurts."
"I didn't know you could be hurt," Rumiko grumbled.
"I told you, you can trust me."
"You're bringing down a major war on my head!" Rumiko exploded. "I could be killed and what would it matter to you?"
"It always matters to me," Naruto stated. "Now, would you relax. It's just a little war." He slung an arm around her shoulders and another around Anko's. "Now let's get food. And after that, Anko is going to fuck you senseless. That oughta clear you right up."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. A very Cynical Christmas to one and all!
I'm sure you're all wondering where the fuck I've been. A quick glance at my message board revealed that I had simply tossed up a: "in hospital, don't worry," message and forgotten about it. I supposed my absence does bare some explaining.
Okay, the story goes like this: who here's ever heard of boxer's fractures? A few? Okay, well, it means that I broke my hand. How did I do this? Boxing of course. . .with a wall. Do I need to mention that alcohol was involve? Definitely one of my most annoying hospital visits. Just so you know: when the ER doctor mentions that he was a corps man and mentions that you probably need a bunch of shots, calling him a sick motherfucker is not the right course of action.
So, yeah. I've been rehabbing for a while and my dad got his first knee operation, so I've been hanging out and drinking a lot with him, since we have the most in common out of my family.
Since you've read this far, I guess I might as well slip in an amusing story. We had the Marine Corps Balls in November. I'm drunk as fuck sitting at a bar when this middle-aged guy walks up and pokes me in the shoulder. "Hey Corporal. I just want you to know that one of your Marines is letting his girlfriend wear his cover." Now, this man has obviously either never been a Marine, or he's a too young officer or way too old SNCO. So I tell him, not to worry, I'll NJP that Marine tomorrow. Then I get up, go to the bathroom, throw up, go back to the bar, get a blowjob (the shot perverts), get a free shot and a beer, figure out that my date has my cover and then go upstairs to be molested by a drunk Air Force guy who grabs me in a bear hug and sobs into my chest as he tells me that he's a Para-Rescue Jumper and that he loves me and all service members.
You can always tell real fighting men because they get drunk and sappy.
Alright, gents, go enjoy your Christmas and drink to Jesus's birth. . .or resurrection. One of the two. I can never keep them straight.
Also, I know I fucked up a lot. My computer ate my last version of this chapter and I had to rewrite it after half a case of beer and one too many scotches.