I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
Something was sitting in Naruto's chest and pinning his arms down. While this was unusual, it barely rated a worry as he cracked an eye open to investigate the situation. "Oh, hey Anko."
"Good morning," the woman replied from her perch on his chest. "Care to explain?"
"Explain what?" Naruto asked as he realized that it wasn't Anko pinning his arms. A quick look to the left and to the right reveal a naked woman on either side of him. "Oh, them. Strippers."
"You went to a strip club and brought back strippers?" Anko demanded with something very close to anger.
"Okay, I can see you're getting pissed," Naruto allowed peaceable, "but I didn't know where you were. I tried to find you before we left." Anko still looked mad. "I'll make it up to you. We'll go back to the strip club tonight and this time we'll share the strippers. Deal?"
"Deal," Anko replied, perking right up, "although I'd kind of prefer having a role with these two. They're really cute."
"Whatever you say," Naruto replied as he sat up, casually knocking Anko onto her back and began looking for his pants.
"So, what rated a trip to the strip club?" Anko asked.
"Kaori's victory," Naruto explained as he found his pants and pulled them on. "I asked her what she wanted to do and she said strip club."
"A strip club with naked women?" Anko asked.
"I think she did it as a favor to me and Rumiko," Naruto stated, "but she had a good time."
"Ah." Naruto walked out of his bedroom and froze in his tracks so suddenly that Anko walked right into him. "Oh, that."
"Yeah, that," Naruto replied tonelessly as he stared at Kaori and Rumiko spooning under a blanket on his floor. With much dread he made his way over and lifted the blanket. "Oh, thank God." They were both fully dressed, although Rumiko's hands were rather firmly latched onto Kaori's breasts.
"I tried to separate them, but Rumiko kept growling at me," Anko said.
"She does that," Naruto replied. "This is a fragile situation that needs a very delicate touch to resolve." With that he reached down and flicked Rumiko's nose.
"Ow!"
"Get up."
"Go away!" Rumiko slurred as she nuzzled the back of Kaori's head. "I finally got my piece of ass."
"Yeah," Naruto drawled, "about that." Rumiko's eyes snapped open and she stared at the mass of dark hair in front of her. "Naruto, who am I spooning?"
"Who do you think?" Rumiko gave Kaori's breasts a few good squeezes and turned a rather amazing shade of white.
"Kaori?"
"Not that it bothers me all that much, but why can you identify our genin by groping her?" Anko asked.
"That's just a party trick of hers," Naruto explained dismissively. "She can ID any woman she's ever met by groping them. It's actually kind of cool. She has, like, a ninety nine percent success rate, though padding kind of throws her off."
"What about the other one percent?" Anko asked.
"Those she just gets a cop a feel on for free," Naruto answered. He glanced back at his underling. "Rumiko?"
"Yes?"
"You can let go of Kaori's breasts now," Naruto stated.
"Yeah, I could," Rumiko agreed. Naruto sighed in annoyance.
"Off pedobear!"
"Actually, this would be hebephilia," Rumiko corrected stiffly.
"Actually, this would be molesting my student," Naruto said, "which I'm pretty sure I told you not to do."
"I thought that was directed at Anko," Rumiko commented. Naruto stared at her. She gave Kaori's breasts another good squeeze. "Honk." And Naruto had to slap her hands away.
(:ii:)
Sakura sat blearily in front of the arena and finished her cup of God awful coffee. It wasn't that she couldn't handle an all-nighter or two, but reading line after line of the tiny chicken scratch that the previous Hokages had called handwriting had left her eyes aching. Worst yet, she hadn't even found what she was looking for. "Hey Sakura."
"Hey Naruto." It took her muddled mind a moment before all the switches flipped. "Naruto!"
"Yep," the blond replied.
"Is that Ichiraku coffee?"
"Want some?"
"Yes." Sakura snatched up the cup and drained it greedily. It was only then that the rest of the switches flipped. "What are you doing here?"
"I do have other genin," Naruto pointed out as he produced another cup of coffee and frowned as she grabbed that too. "You look like hell."
"Spent the entire night going through the Hokage's library," Sakura said as she sipped her new coffee at a more leisurely pace.
"Why?" Sakura's eyebrow twitched as she realized that she had just blurted out the truth without thinking.
"Looking for something," she replied. "Hey, Haruka said that Kaori didn't go home last night. Was she with you?" Naruto's eyebrow twitched subtlety and he sipped at yet another cup of coffee. "What did you do?"
"Nothing!"
"What did Rumiko and or Anko do?"
"Uh. . ."
"Hey Sensei!" Sakura turned and sighed in relief as she spotted her genin walking towards her with Anko and Rumiko. At least the girl was alive.
"Good morning Kaori," she said. "Stopping by to see the competition?"
"I wanna see who I get to beat up next!" Kaori stated happily.
"You're really enjoying this fighting thing now, aren't you?" Sakura asked rhetorically. "So, get up to anything interesting last night?"
"Just a little celebrating," Naruto cut in.
"I got a tattoo!" Kaori squealed. "It didn't even hurt that much. Some of the training I did hurt way worse." Sakura glanced at Naruto, but he was sipping his coffee again. Well, a tattoo wasn't the worst thing in the world.
"What did you get?"
"As Naruto's student he let me get his personal seal!" Kaori stated giddily as she shrugged off Naruto's old coat and pulled up her right sleeve to reveal a swirling, twisting design on her upper arm. "Cool, right?"
"Could be worse," Naruto cut in quickly. "She wanted a tribal tramp stamp."
"That was cool too," Kaori argued.
"Sakura would have killed me if you popped up with a stupid hooker tattoo," Naruto shot back.
"Anko has a tattoo on her lower back!"
"I have half a dozen tattoos and none of them are tribal," Anko corrected.
"That looks familiar," Sakura interrupted as their gradually increasing volume intensified her migraine. "Is that the seal of the Land of Whirlpool?"
"No. They based their seal on this one to honor their guardian," Naruto explained.
"I've never heard of the Land of Whirlpool," Kaori said as she pulled her coat back on.
"Madara Uchiha had it destroyed," Naruto explained. Sakura frowned at that.
"I thought it was torn apart in a civil war," she stated.
"The war was instigated by the Uchiha," Naruto clarified. Sakura opened her mouth to press for more information, but trailed off as she noticed something.
"What's on your hand Kaori?" The girl glanced down at her palm and stared at the string of numbers for a moment in confusion before grinning suddenly.
"I got digits!"
"How did you get a phone number?" Rumiko snapped as she grabbed Kaori's wrist and stared down at the numbers.
"Maybe because she didn't get drunk and almost get thrown out of the club for groping the help," Naruto commented.
"Hey, this is Yumi's number!" Kaori enthused.
"Yumi?" Naruto repeated.
"Her stage name was Kandi with a K," Kaori replied. "She was the really flexible one with blue highlights."
"Stage name?" Sakura asked. She watched as Naruto's face went a rather amazing shade of white.
"The chick you got twenty lap dances from?" Rumiko asked. The genin nodded. "And you got her real name?"
"Yeah! She was really cool. I'm gonna call her and see if she wants to hang out."
"Strippers normally want to do a little more than hang out," Anko commented.
"You went to a strip club with naked women?" Sakura interrupted.
"Yeah!" Kaori replied. "It was a lot of fun."
"Are you. . ." The genin's face showed no understanding as Sakura trailed off. "You know."
"What?" Kaori asked.
"She wants to know if you're gay," Anko stated.
"What? No!" Kaori sputtered. "I totally have a crush on Naru. . .body. I have a crush on nobody." She tapped her chin contemplatively as she considered something. "Well," she began thoughtfully, "I'm totally not gay, but I guess I might be a little curious."
"I could make you a lot curious," Rumiko offered. And then there was complete silence as everyone stared at her. The silence continued until Naruto smacked her across the back of the head.
"Bad lesbian, no cookie." Rumiko's jaw dropped.
"Did I just. . ."
"Yeah," Sakura deadpanned. She glanced at Anko. "And to think, I was more worried about you."
"That's just because you didn't know Rumiko that well," Naruto said.
"I told you," Rumiko growled, "lesbian does not mean depraved sexual deviant."
"True, but I'm beginning to think that 'Rumiko' does," Sakura commented.
"Ooh, burn!" Naruto cheered. "Finally figured it out, huh?"
"What?"
"That Rumiko is a depraved sexual deviant, but it you accuse her of being one she accuses you of believing stereotypes about alternative lifestyles," Naruto explained. "I've seen her do it a hundred times." Rumiko looked around jerkily.
"Lesbian avenger away!" There was a poof of smoke and she was replaced by a tall blond woman with two pig tails.
"Was that a body replacement technique?" Sakura asked, "or is that Rumiko in disguise?"
"Body replacement," Naruto answered, "a really good one. This is one of my clones that I have running around to keep an eye on things."
"I think she copped a feel along the way," the female Naruto commented. "You really need to get her laid."
"Yeah."
"I could take care of that for you?" the female blond commented. Naruto quickly dispelled the clone after that.
"Your inner feminine side again?" Kaori asked.
"I have no inner feminine side!"
(:ii:)
"Hello Mister Fox."
"Hey Nanbu!" Nanbu could only sigh as he turned back to the arena below him. Anyone else he would have had imprisoned for such disrespect.
"Come to see the fights?"
"Yup! Looks like they're getting ready to start."
"They are." Any further comments were interrupted as the proctor appeared in the middle of the arena.
"Alright!" he snapped. "Everybody shut up!" He waited for the clamor to die down. "Due to what happened yesterday, we thought it would be prudent to expand upon our previously established guidelines."
"What?" Kaori and Naruto asked at the same time.
"New rules," Nabu said, "because of what Kaori did to my genin."
"My little girl's first new rules made up specifically because of her," Naruto sniffled. "I'm so very proud."
Ah, thanks Sensei."
"When the proctor says stop, you must stop. When your opponent is unconscious, you must stop. In addition, please note, setting the stadium on fire with flames that cannot be extinguished when the stands are filled with civilians will lead to your expulsion," the proctor concluded. "Now, our first two genin will be Kammu and Ashikaga." Nanbu quickly ducked behind the guardrail.
"They're both Naruto's genin, right?" Nanbu glanced up and saw his nemesis's pink haired companion hiding next to him.
"Yup."
"That's a stereotype," Naruto growled.
"As I've just learned," the pink haired woman stated, "stereotypes aren't always wrong."
"And you're down here too," Nanbu commented.
"This proves nothing," the blond replied from where he was cowering behind the guardrail as well. "So, I guess you remember them, right?" Nanbu grabbed his remaining sleeve with his teeth and pulled it up to reveal the healed third degree burns on his remaining arm.
"What do you think?" he asked.
"Yeah, I guess you do."
"They caused that?" Sakura demanded. "A genin did that to a kage?"
"They're Mister Fox's," Nanbu stated defensively. "Besides I was in the hospital after he ripped off my arm. They tried to assassinate me." The pinked haired woman looked at Naruto.
"What? It was war!" the blond stated. "All's fair in love and war."
"You sent a genin team to kill a kage?"
"Yeah. They would have made it too, if they hadn't started fighting amongst themselves."
(:ii:)
Naruto flinched slightly as his two genin hopped down into the ring. They looked excited. He should have seen this coming. "They're really dangerous, aren't they?" Kaori asked. Naruto glanced over and saw that his genin was kneeling beside him. Apparently, too long with him had taught her not to question his actions, just to do.
"They're both Shogo's and are very dangerous. Especially Ash." A thought struck him and he shot to his feet. "No forbidden techniques!" he snapped. They both turned to look at him and he glared them down at the same time. The proctor glanced up too and subtly stepped back a bit.
"Fight!" Naruto squatted down again quickly. Fortunately, the two either took his words to mean no chakra techniques, or they just wanted to beat the shit out of each other with their bare fists.
"Well this isn't so. . ." Sakura trailed off as Kammu picked up one of the massive stone tiles from the floor and flung it at Ashikaga. The other genin ducked and the tile sailed on towards the gallery where one of Naruto's jonin blasted it into rubble before any harm could be done. The pink haired woman sank down a little more. "They're strong."
"Most of mine are," Naruto explained. "Our training emphasizes physical strength."
"Brawn instead of brains, huh?" Sakura asked.
"Planning is redundant since plans always fall apart as soon as you run into the enemy," Naruto answered. "Thinking on your feet and staying flexible are way more useful." He frowned as he recognized a few of the seals Ashikaga was forming behind his back. "Everyone duck more."
"What?" Sakura was cut off as the entire floor of the arena burst into flames. The conflagration contracted and rose up into a rather spectacular fireball leaving Ashikaga standing in the ring with a badly burned Kammu and fairly heavily singed proctor.
"Winner: Ashikaga!"
"Groovy."
"What was that?" Sakura deadpanned.
"He has a genetic gift for water manipulation." The pink haired woman stared at him. "What?"
"That wasn't water! That was fire. Fire is the opposite of water!"
"He broke down water vapor in the air into hydrogen and oxygen, both of which burn," Naruto explained. "At least his control has improved. Last time he did that. . ."
"I don't want to know," Sakura interrupted. "So, control of water gives you control of fire?"
"In the Village Hidden in the Springs," Nanbu said. "If you ever go there you'll learn that that kind of thing makes perfect sense."
"Already been there," Sakura replied.
"Sounds like my kind of place!" Anko cheered.
"Two hour break!" the proctor announced at he looked sadly around himself at the recently repaired and currently ruined arena. "Smoke them if you got them."
(:ii:)
"That was dangerous, Naruto," Sakura stated as the blond led her, Anko and Kaori through the streets of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. "Kammu could have been killed."
"It's a risk that all ninja face," Naruto replied. "Considering my genin run the occasional A-ranked mission, I think they understand that pretty well." Sakura could already see that she wasn't going to win this one. They arrived at Ichiraku's and took their seats.
"Hey Naruto!" Ayame stated. "Something happened at the exams again, right?"
"Two of his genin were picked to fight," Sakura stated.
"Anybody die?" the waitress asked.
"Not yet," Naruto answered, "but, we still have time."
"You know, this is the longest exam we've had yet," Ayame commented. "Two days in and we've only had two fights."
"We've never had to put up with anybody like his genin before," Sakura grumbled.
"This should be a good tournament at least," Ayame commented.
"It'll be to die for," Naruto promised.
"Well, that wasn't too ominous," Sakura said. Ayame took their orders and disappeared into the back. "Well, at least this fight didn't involve professional wrestling moves."
"Yeah, too bad about that," Naruto mumbled. "Hey, who taught you that Kaori?"
"It was Anko," Kaori replied cheerfully. "Awesome, right?"
"You taught her how to do suplexes?" Naruto asked.
"Yup!" Anko replied.
"I thought the point was to teach her practical taijutsu," Naruto said blankly.
"Suplexes are practical," Anko replied, "practically awesome that is!"
"Of course," Sakura grumbled, "should have seen that coming."
"Will you marry me?" Naruto asked.
"Now?" Anko asked.
"Sure!" Naruto answered, "all we have to do is go grab Granny, sign some papers and boom."
"No."
"No?" Naruto repeated. "Huh, that's a first."
"What?" Anko asked. "Oh, no! We should totally get married, it's just that. . ."
"It's just that. . ." Naruto pressed.
"Don't you dare laugh at me," Anko ordered.
"Perish the thought," Naruto replied.
"I want to be a very pretty princess dressed in all white with a big wedding," Anko admitted.
"Western or traditional?" Naruto asked. Anko paused and thought about that for a minute.
"Western."
"Can do," Naruto answered.
"Really?" Anko squealed. The blond nodded. "Yay! Oh my God, I've got to tell Kurenai!" Sakura watched as the purple haired woman ran out of the restaurant.
"You're joking, right?" she asked.
"What?" Naruto asked.
"You're not actually getting married, right?" Sakura clarified.
"Sure we are," Naruto replied. He frowned suddenly. "Shit. I've got to start planning, weddings are such a pain. Honeymoons are good though."
"You can plan a wedding?" Sakura asked. "Rumiko made it sound like you couldn't even plan a night out on the town."
"Trust me, the last time I got married I let somebody else plan it and it was a mess."
"You've been married before," Sakura commented, "of course. I get the feeling that I may still have to get a Yamanaka for you."
"Well excuse me for not talking about the fact that I'm a widower." Sakura's jaw dropped.
"Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Naruto."
"Meh, don't worry about it. You didn't know." Their ramen appeared and Sakura watched him eat.
"Could I get it to go," Sakura asked. Suddenly, she didn't have an appetite.
"Sure Sakura," Ayame replied as she grabbed a to go cup.
"I'm going to head back to the arena," she stated.
"Take Kaori with you."
"Another to go please."
(:ii:)
Rumiko watched Sakura and Kaori walked away from the ramen stand before she slipped inside. "Hey Naruto."
"Hey Lesbian Avenger."
"Yeah, I had that one coming," Rumiko admitted as she sat down. "I never knew you were married."
"I've been married five times," Naruto replied as he ate his ramen. "I don't like to talk about it."
"Five times in, what, a couple hundred years?"
"A thousand years," Naruto corrected. "My first wife was a civilian. We grew old together and then she died. I didn't handle it well, lots of death and destruction and vowing never to love again."
"But you did."
"One in a million," Naruto said. "Every once in a while, there is a woman who makes all the pain and heartache that I know are coming worth it. Anko is one of them."
"I can't imagine what that's like," Rumiko stated. She knew her boss was old, but that old?
"How can you go on?"
"I just do," Naruto answered.
"I used to think living forever would be a good thing."
"I won't live forever," Naruto stated with a grin. "Nothing is forever. Some day, some human will come along and I'll fight them with everything I have and they will kill me."
"You sound happy about that."
"Through the years I've fought and won and lost a million times, but my opponents have always fallen short," Naruto commented. "One day they will rise to the task and it will be glorious."
"Maybe Madara?" The blond looked at her like she had grown a third eye.
"He can't kill me. He doesn't have the balls."
"Maybe me?"
"Sure, why not?"
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Alright, let's try this again. I should be back. The problem with summer is that I have a schedule that consists of work, nap, drink and pass out. Then repeat. Five times a week. Weekends usually consist of the same, only less work and more drink. As you may imagine, it kind of screws up schedules when you're either drunk or working. And I'm talking about the kind of drunk where you end up lying down, watching the world spin and vowing never to do it again.
Also, sorry for the hurricane and earthquake. If I had known that getting a degree would cause this. . .I probably would have still done it. Is it a coincidence that my bachelor's will roughly coincide with 2012?
Alright, words of wisdom: never drink and watch Jackass. It will not end well.
So, since I have received a record low in death threats, I figured I'd treat you all.
Omake, bitch!
-When Kisame met the Fox. . .and Ryoko:
Kisame leaned back against the tree and spat out a mouthful of blood. So, this was what it was like to get his ass kicked. It had been a long time since that had happened. "Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up!"
"Shut up!" Kisame snapped at the giant red monster before him. "You stay right there Furry!"
"Get up and fight me!" the Nine Tailed Demon Fox howled.
"I am," Kisame growled as he pushed off the tree and tried to use his sword as a crutch to help him up.
"How can you get up with two broken legs?" the Fox demanded. Kisame glared at it and managed to climb to his feet, which rendered the Fox completed mute.
"Like I said, you stay right there. I'm going to give you such a hang nail."
"Yes!" the Fox roared. "That's it. Now fight me!" Kisame let out an annoyed growl and managed to raise his sword. He had to admit, this was kind of fun. It had been so long since he had fought as hard as he could and been beaten. That was when a blue haired woman appeared and slammed into the Fox. She turned and struck a pose, completed ignoring the bright flash of light behind her.
"What the fuck?" Kisame asked intelligently.
"No need to thank me civilian!" the woman declared.
"What."
"What the fuck?" Kisame glanced past the woman and saw an irate blond stalking towards them. The blue haired woman turned and flashed a victor sign. "What did you just do?"
"I resealed the demon fox!" she declared.
"No you didn't!" the blond snapped. "You sealed me in this form!"
"Exactly," the woman stated. "I resealed the demon fox. . ."
"I am the demon fox!" the blond roared.
"Oh," the woman stated. "So, it was horse, serpent, hare and not hare, serpent, horse."
"You messed up three hand seals?" the blond asked.
"Uh. . .yeah. It seems that way."
"You," the Fox stated, stabbing a finger at Kisame, "take five. You," he added, pointing at the blue-haired woman, "I am going to choke you. I don't know when, if I ever, I'm going to stop."
"Yeah, that seems fair," the woman replied. Thus the blond began choking her.
-End
(:ii:)
-When the Fox met Rumiko:
"So, that's her room?" Naruto asked as he pointed to the door.
"Yes sir," the aide stated. "She's one of the last ninja of the land of snow. She's been fighting the war against Earth since the beginning."
"Excellent!" Naruto replied as he raised one foot.
"Uh, sir. . .I wouldn't. . ." Naruto ignored the brat and kicked the door open. He was completely unprepared for the long, glow in the dark shape that slapped him in the face.
"What."
"Who the fuck are you?" the half-naked woman demanded as she stumbled out of her bed. Naruto ignored her and prodded the long, tubular shape on the floor with his toe.
"What is this?"
"I said, who the fuck are you?" the woman demanded.
"This is Naruto," the aide replied. "Princess Yuki has brought him in to lead the offensive against Earth."
"What offensive?" the woman demanded. "We're all about to be killed!"
"Jesus woman!" Naruto declared suddenly. "Could you buy a bigger one?" The woman glanced down at the cylinder at his feet. "I have never seen a fourteen-inch fake dick!"
"It's doubled-ended," the woman replied stiffly, "so, it's only, like, seven inches."
"And yet you're all alone," Naruto commented.
"It belongs to some chick I brought back form the bar," Rumiko replied.
"What? Your brought a woman back from the bar? Why?"
"I'm a lesbian," the woman replied. "I like women."
"You know, I think we're going to get along just fine," Naruto stated as he stuck out his hand. "Naruto."
"Rumiko," the woman replied as she cautiously shook his hand.
-End
(:ii:)
-When Sasuke met a Wedding Invitation
"What the hell is taking the tournament so long?" Sasuke demanded.
"Apparently, the arena has been wrecked twice," Suigetsu reported. "Last I heard, the spies were reporting that the Village Hidden in the Leaves is thinking about moving the whole tournament until the last rounds."
"The arena has been wrecked twice?" Sasuke asked. "That didn't happen when. . ."
"Letter for you, sir." The youngest Uchiha spun around to find a young, masked man standing behind him.
"Uh, thanks," Sasuke said as he took the letter.
"Sign here please." Sasuke signed for the letter and the masked man disappeared.
"That guy was good. Nobody has ever snuck up on me before."
"He's a ninja mailman," Jugo stated.
"Ninja mailman?" Sasuke asked.
"You've never heard of them before?" Suigetsu asked. "They're the best. They can get anywhere and sneak up on anyone."
"Can we hire them to attack the Land Hidden in the Leaves?" Sasuke demanded.
"Oh no, they're strictly neutral," Suigetsu stated.
"Can't we force them. . ."
"No!" Jugo snapped. "Nobody forces ninja mailmen to do anything. I heard, the last guy who tried to force ninja mailmen to do anything was sent to his next of kin in a tastefully wrapped package."
"Ouch," Sasuke replied.
"With postage owing," Jugo added.
"That's just sick!" Sasuke announced. He opened the envelope. "To Sasuke Uchiha plus one guest, you are cordially invited to the marriage of Naruto Uzumaki and Anko Mitarashi." There was silence for a good moment before both Jugo and Suigetsu spoke.
"Dibs!"
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's other notes. Okay, quick test. So, I was sober when most of the chapter was written. I was working on my third forty when the omakes were written. Is there a difference?
-Jack