I own nothing.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Twenty-Eight:
"So, where's your genin Sakura?" Sakura could feel the eyes of her sensei boring into her.
"Probably drunk in a strip club," she muttered. Of course, it would be one of her genin who was late turning up for the latest round of the finals. "Or spying on Naruto, Anko and Kurenai have a threesome. . .again."
"What?" Tsunade asked blankly. "You know what? I don't want to know, but I'm going to have to start the fights now."
"Go for it." The blond shrugged and rose to her feet. Of course, the moment she tried to speak, Kaori and a tall blond in pigtails appeared with the other genin down the stadium floor.
"Sorry we're late!" the blond announced cheerfully into the suddenly silent stadium as she waved happily to one and all.
"God damn it, Naruto," Tsunade grumbled as she pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Welcome to my world," Nanbu stated. "At least he's sober, even if he is a she. . .for the moment." The blond whispered something to Kaori and bounced, in more ways than one, up to join the other Kages.
"Hey folks!"
"Sit down and shut up," Tsunade ordered before turning back to the awaiting crowds and beginning her speech.
"So," Sakura began, "Naruto's inner feminine side?"
"Yup!" the blond stated. Maybe Sakura was imagining it, but she could almost swear that she heard some distant voice scream that they had no inner feminine side.
"Have any of those three left their apartment in the past five days?" Sakura asked.
"Nope," the blond stated. "They've been sending me out to do chores for them like paying off the genin team watching Kurenai's kids. . ."
"Or dropping off Kaori?" Sakura pressed.
"That too," Girl Naruto replied. "Anko and Kurenai promised me a special reward if I play nice and do what they say." Sakura could only sigh and turned back to Tsunade, who was wrapping up her speach. She really didn't want to hear anymore. The older blond turned and walked back to her seats. "Nice speech Granny." Sakura tuned them out and turned to the score board that was going to announce the fighters. The first name popped up and Girl Naruto whistled as down below there was a round of polite cheering indicating that most people below didn't know who he was either.
"One of yours?"
"Yep."
"Is he going to wreck the place?"
"Maybe." Then Kaori's name popped up. "Okay, probably." Sakura felt her heart drop. She had seen Naruto's genin fight. Well, technically, Naruto's genin versus anyone except each other tended to be more of a slaughter really. That was when she noticed a rather huge amount of cheering coming from below. She stood and glanced over the edge of the Kage's viewing area and felt an eyebrow rise as she spotted a group of attractive twenty-something year old women waving a "Kaori For the Win!" banner down in the stadium.
"Naruto?"
"Yes?" the blond asked.
"Who are they?" Naruto stood and followed her line of sight.
"Uh. . .probably some girls from the Kage Club. Kaori's pretty popular there."
"Oh." Sakura let that go for a minute. "What's the Kage Club?"
"Only the most expensive and exclusive gentlemen's club in town," Tsunade said.
"Oh." It took Sakura another moment to realize what was wrong with that statement. "How did you know that?" Tsunade had to good grace to look somewhat awkward.
"Kages drink for free there," she explained, "and they don't water down their booze."
"Really?" Nanbu asked. "I'm going to need an address later."
"Sure thing!" Naruto announced. "The owner is really nice. He keeps telling me that if I even need a job, I should call him."
"Madame Hokage? Can I start the fight yet?" Tsunade glanced up from their conversation and balked.
"Damn it, forgot about that."
(:ii:)
"Kaori, kill! Bwa-hahahahahaha!"
"For some reason, that is far more terrifying coming from a female," Nanbu grumbled. "So, you're rooting for your genin to beat your other genin?" Naruto's laughter trailed off as she pondered that.
"Uh. . .I'm rooting for the genin I trained to beat that snotty little pain in the ass I stuck with Shogo?"
"That's one of Shogo's?" Nanbu asked, squinting down into the arena. "Oh my God, I know that little prick! He's the reason I don't have hair any more! Kick his ass!" Down in the arena the proctor was carefully backing away from the suddenly giggling female genin and the male genin was looking rather nervous.
"And, fight!" The proctor promptly turned and fled the arena and any potential house-sized fireballs. Strangely, there were no fireballs. Instead, there was some of the most brutal hand-to-hand combat Sakura had ever seen.
"You taught Kaori actual taijutsu?"
"Yeah," Naruto replied. "Remember the last fight?"
"That didn't count," Sakura growled. "Suplexes aren't taijutsu."
"They are if they work," Naruto countered.
"Gonna have to go with Mister Fox on that one," Nanbu commented. "She's toying with him. Is that a good idea? That kid is really strong."
"Kaori's faster and smarter," Naruto answered. "As long as she stays out of his reach, she should be fine." That was of course when Kaori's opponent managed to land a heavy punch to Kaori's face.
"Oh God, she actually listened when you and Anko told her to drag it out," Sakura moaned as she watched her genin stumble.
"Not over yet," Naruto said. Kaori managed to get her feet under her and swung a wild haymaker in the boy's face. The boy's feet got tangled under him and he fell to his knees before Kaori. She grabbed him by both ears and landed a quick succession of headbutts before winding up and delivering a soccer kick to his groin. A towel floated into the ring before the boy even hit the ground.
"Yes!" Nanbu roared. He quickly sat down as he realized that he was the only one who had cheered. A moment of shocked silence went by before Kaori's stripper cheering section exploded and was quickly followed by the rest of the crowd.
"See?" Naruto demanded as she joined the applause. "Rumiko's family style of taijutsu cannot be matched in sheer cruelty."
"Ah yes, the School of a Thousand Groin Shots," Nanbu commented, "perfected over many generations of drunkenly picking fights in bars."
"That was Rumiko's style?" Sakura demanded as she tried to reconcile her view of Rumiko as a calm, though slightly nymphomaniacal woman, and the style-less slug fest she had just witnessed.
"Yup!" Naruto cheered. "Pre-game at my place, party at the Kage Club!" With that, the blond ran down to the arena, collected Kaori and they both disappeared.
(:ii:)
"I can do this," Sakura stated as she raised a hand to knock on the door before her only for her first to fall back to her side. "I just really don't want to. God damn it." She had been standing here for the past ten minutes and even she had to admit that it was getting ridiculous.
"Hey Sakura!" The pink haired woman turned and sighed in relief as she saw a distraction walking towards her.
"Morning Kiba. What are you doing here?"
"Checking up on Kurenai," the dog nin replied. "It's been a week since she took off with Naruto and Anko."
"Yeah," Sakura drawled. "Has anybody seen any of them since then?"
"A blond with pig tails burst into Kurenai's home on the second day and dropped off enough money for that genin team to babysit until some time into the next century," Kiba stated. "The same blond also showed up to cheer for Kaori yesterday."
"I was at the fights," Sakura stated. "And that was a clone."
"Oh," Kiba grunted. "So, how long have you been skulking outside the door?"
"I am no skulking!" Kiba's raised eyebrow said that he didn't believe her. "I'm just kind of scared of what I might see in there." That was when the door was torn open to reveal a shirtless blond.
"How long are you going to skulk out there setting off my seals?" Naruto demanded.
"We were just having a quick discussion," Sakura snapped back as she pushed her way in. "Is Kurenai here? I wanted to talk to. . ."
"Sakura!" The pink haired woman was cut short as the person she was searching for walked into the room wearing a bright orange button down shirt and apparently nothing else. "It's so good to see you!" Sakura was about to comment on her attire when the dark-haired woman seized her in a hug. "And Kiba!" Kurenai quickly moved on to hug her former student.
"Hey Sensei. You seem happy." At least Kiba was as disturbed by this as she was.
"Hey Sensei!" Sakura turned and saw her genin sprawled on the couch next to older girl with blue highlights and the girl Naruto clone. "Did you swing by for the after party?"
"After party?"
"Yup!" Kaori announced. "We had the pregame yesterday after I won, the party was all last night and now we're getting ready for the after party!"
"God, this is like med school after finals," Sakura grumbled as she collapsed on the chair across from her student. "I don't believe we've met."
"We haven't," the woman with blue highlights replied. "I'm Yumi."
"Are you one of Naruto's ninja?"
"Uh no. I'm a dancer at the Kage Club."
"Oh." It took a few minutes for that to sink in. "The strip club?"
"With a cover charge like there's, I'm going to go with high-end gentlemen's club," Naruto stated as he reappeared with several beers. "Beer?"
"Sure." Sakura took it and nearly dropped it. "What happened to you?"
"Huh? What?"
"That!" Sakura stated stabbing a finger as the swirling mass of scar tissue on Naruto's stomach.
"Oh, chakra blade to the seal a couple of years ago," the blond answered as he collapsed on the love seat next to Kurenai who was still happily bubbling away to an increasingly incredulous looking Kiba. "No worries, everything is still fine in here."
"Oh," Sakura replied as she tried to take as many mental notes about the scar's appearance as she could. She had seen many wounds from chakra weapons and many wounds from overpowered seals and none had quite looked like that mark. "Can I talk to you on the balcony Kurenai?"
"Sure!" the dark haired woman chirped. Sakura sighed in relief and led the woman out. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
"Naruto." Sakura could only sigh as the older woman began giggling. "Please, stop that." Kurenai took several deep breaths and managed to curtail her laugher.
"What about him?"
"You're a genjutsu master," Sakura stated. "Have you notice anything different about him?"
"You mean, from when he was a genin?" Kurenai asked. "Well, there is a matter of size, at least, from what Hinata told me. . ."
"I meant about his chakra," Sakura interrupted. She really didn't want to hear any more. Kurenai sobered up rather considerably as she leaned against the railing.
"Not that I can tell," she admitted. "I told you before, I am not a Hyuga. I can't see a person's chakra system, but I can see the chakra they are exuding. That is a fundamental skill to dissolve a genjutsu."
"And you haven't noticed a change in Naruto?" Sakura pressed.
"Naruto has always shone too brightly for me to read."
"His control has always been pretty bad," Sakura admitted.
"Well, it's only gotten worse, or he's only gotten stronger," Kurenai stated. "Before, he was painful to look at. Now, I can't even look at him. He shines like the sun."
"Is it all his chakra?"
"What do you mean?"
"Is it human chakra?" Sakura pressed.
"You'd need a Hyuga." Kurenai answered. "I can only see chakra, I can't tell the difference between human chakra and other. Do you think the Fox is doing something?"
"Yes. What do you think?"
"I think, if the Fox was doing anything, Naruto would be more interested in burning the world and less interested in doing this one thing to my. . ."
"Enough," Sakura interrupted.
"No, really. He can do this one thing. . ."
(:ii:)
"What do you think they're talking about?" Naruto asked as he watched Sakura turn redder and redder through the glass door leading to his balcony.
"Probably you," Anko replied. "I think Kurenai is talking about that thing you do."
"Which one?"
"The one where you. . ."
"Don't care!" Kiba interrupted.
"Are you sure?" Anko teased. "You could probably take a few notes."
"I've never really had a problem keeping women happy," Kiba countered. "I think I'll just stick with what's been working so far."
"If you say so kiddo."
"Good morning everyone!" Naruto glanced up and felt a grin spread across his face as he spotted Mei wearing Kisame's sleeveless trench coat with only half the buttons done.
"Hey, you look pretty good in that," Anko commented.
"Really?" Mei giggled. "I think so too."
"You know," Naruto began, "Kisame is always bragging about how comfortable his coat is."
"It is very comfortable," Mei confirmed.
"What's the lining made of?" Naruto asked.
"I don't know."
"Could you check the label?"
"Sure!" Mei began unbuttoning her coat and everyone in the room suddenly began paying quite a bit more attention.
"Mei," Kisame grumbled as he stepped around her and into the kitchen. "It's a trick." The redhead froze and gave them all a cheerful smile.
"That's very clever Naruto."
"I have my moments," the blond replied, doing his best to hide his disappointment as Sakura and Kurenai came back into the pent house. "Have fun you two?"
"You three are sick!" Sakura snapped.
"So Kurenai was giving you a play by play?" Naruto pressed. "Pick up any good tips?" The pink haired woman glared at him. "What? I'm just curious."
"You sure you can judge, Miss Naughty Nurse?" Kiba asked.
"Kiba!" Sakura shrieked as she turned even redder.
"Ooh! Do you shop at Aoki's?" Anko asked. "I have all their costumes! I have the naught nurse, naughty librarian, naughty prisoner, naughty cop, naughty teacher, naughty schoolgirl and the naughty ninja."
"Sakura!" Naruto interrupted. "You know, I'm disappointed in you."
"You are?" Sakura asked incredulously, raising one eyebrow.
"Well, yeah!" Naruto announced. "You should be playing naughty doctor at least, if not naughty professor of medical science."
"They don't make either of those costumes," Kiba stated, "hence only the naughty nurse."
"Oh."
"Just curious," Kiba added, "how is the naughty ninja costume different from how Anko normally dresses?"
"Wouldn't you like to know," Anko stated cheerfully.
(:ii:)
Sakura stared out over the village and sipped her drink as the party behind her shifted into high gear. She heard the glass door slide open and Naruto joined her on the balcony of his pent house. "What's up wall flower?"
"I can't believe how far Kaori has come since you took over instructing her," Sakura stated. "Tsunade sent me out to check the odds and Kaori is actually a favorite to win."
"Well, she's a step closer," Naruto replied as he leaned against the railing next to her. "Were there any more delays?"
"Nope. We're down to our last eight," Sakura stated. "Haruka got eliminated in the first round and Satomi got the wild card spot this round so she didn't have to fight."
"Who now?" Sakura rolled her eyes and finished her beer in one go.
"Quiet-Twin got eliminated and Not-a-Twin didn't have to fight."
"Oh," Naruto handed her another beer. "You didn't swing by the club last night."
"What would I have done at a strip club?" Sakura asked.
"Same thing Granny did: get drunk and get a couple lap dances."
"I am so glad I don't party with her anymore."
"Oh, come on," Naruto whined. "It would have been fun and we haven't really gotten to hang out like we used to."
"It doesn't feel like it used to," Sakura replied.
"Well, we were kids then," Naruto stated. "We're both different people now, so of course it doesn't feel like it used to." Sakura opened her new beer and took a drink.
"You know that Kaori will have to fight again tomorrow, right?" Sakura asked as she decided to steer clear of their current topic. "Should you really be having a party now?"
"After party," Naruto corrected. Sakura glared at him. "Never mind. Anyway, a little hangover never killed anyone and actually, she's a lot better at fighting that way."
"She is?"
"Yeah, she kind of goes for the quick and easy kills."
"Ah. That's good." Sakura sipped his beer. "Kill?"
"Yeah, she's not very cheerful with a hangover. The proctor will probably stop her before anyone gets too crippled."
"So, what exactly is too crippled?"
"Uh. . .unable to live a normal life after two decades of attempted recovery?" Sakura killed her new beer.
"Ah, hell, sounds good to me."
(:ii:)
Naruto watched Sakura return to the party and sipped his beer. "So, what's new?"
"Other than the fact that I didn't get invited," Yasu stated from where he was sitting on the roof, "not much."
"You had a job to do," Naruto responded. "Considering that you aren't doing it now, I hope you have a good excuse."
"Join me and find out." Naruto shrugged and hopped up next to the man. "They're mobilizing." Naruto grinned and killed his beer. "The attack could come at any moment."
"We have a few days," Naruto stated.
"Well, a few days would be at any moment," Yasu commented.
"There are eight genin left," Naruto stated. "They fight again tomorrow and that will bring the number down to four. Two days after that there will be two. Two days after that there will be only one."
"There can be only one," Yasu stated. Naruto glared at him out of the corner of his eye. "Sorry. Couldn't help myself. So, you're saying that they'll attack in five days during the last fight?"
"Yup?"
"Why?"
"Drama queen ninja."
"Ah." Naruto didn't like the look he was getting.
"I am not a drama queen."
"Didn't say you were Boss," Yasu said peaceably. Naruto glared at him for a moment more before looking back out over the village. The sun was setting and it cast the whole thing in a bright orange glow.
"Would you look at that, it looks like the whole place is burning." And thus Naruto began to laugh. "Bwa-hahahahaha!" It took him quite a while to realize that he was not laughing alone. He glanced back and smiled. "Hey Bushy."
"Hello Lord Yukikage," Rock Lee returned cheerfully.
"You can call me Naruto."
"Very well." Naruto let the silence drag on for a little while and Rock just kept smiling happily.
"So. . .watcha doin?"
"I was just passing by and couldn't help but overhear your youth overflowing!" Rock stated.
"Youth?" Yasu asked.
"Meh, long story," Naruto said simply. He turned back to the village. "Alrighty, back to work. Ready Bushy?"
"Of course!" And so, together they laughed.
(:ii:)
"What the hell?" Tsunade demanded as her office door burst open. She had specifically told her secretary to chase away any visitors with a baseball bat. Instead of a person, a small pink blur rocketed through her office and into the closet, slamming the door behind it.
"Ton Ton?" Shizune stuck her head in a glanced around. "Have you seen Ton Ton?"
"She's in the closet." Shizune stared at her. "What? Oh. No, I meant that literally. The pig is in my closet over there."
"Oh." Shizune walked in and stared at the door that had shut behind the pig. "That's weird. We were just getting ready to go home when she suddenly turned around and started running."
"Must of heard someone say bacon," Tsunade commented as she stood and stretched. "God, I still feel like hell. I should never have tried to keep up with that kid."
"Well, Naruto isn't really a kid any more," Shizune pointed out.
"Who said anything about Naruto? I was talking about Sakura's genin." Tsunade turned and opened the massive window behind her desk. Maybe a little fresh air would help. As the heavy panes swung open the wind changed and slithered into the office bearing some far off sound that sent a chill down her spine. Behind her there was an audible click. "Did Ton Ton just lock herself in the closet?"
"I believe so."
"Huh." Tsunade returned to her seat and pulled out the bottle of vodka she had been working on the past few days. "Still not the weirdest thing I've ever seen, but it's pretty close."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Bam. And you guys thought I was going to miss my August update. Nope! Would have been sooner, but my dad finished off another round of surgery. This time it was a seven hour spinal marathon. Holy fuck.
Now, I'm sorry but I don't have any funny stories or clever jokes to tell. Wow, that's never happened to me.
Oh well, I'm heading for a night on mainstreet. God willing, it will give me material for my next update.