I own nothing.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Thirty
"God damn it," Tsunade grumbled. "How are we being pushed back?"
"It seems that the Village Hidden in the Leaves has gone soft," A commented, earning himself a glare that would have killed a smarter man.
"Your ninja are being pushed back too," Gaara stated causing the larger man falter.
"Uh. . .we're severely outnumbered," he stated.
"We all are," Tsunade growled.
"Shouldn't matter this much," a new voice commented causing them all to spin around. "This is kind of sad, I was expecting better from you all."
"Where the hell have you been Naruto?" Tsunade demanded. She puffed out an annoyed breath as she took in the blonde's appeared. "Great, he didn't even show up in person."
"That hurts," the younger blond woman whined with a pout. Tsunade ignored her and stalked to her window and pulled it open.
"Didn't I tell you two to tell me when someone was coming?" she demanded. The two ANBU managed to appear somewhat puzzled behinds their masks.
"Nobody has gone through these windows ma'am," one of them stated. Tsunade stared at the two before turning to look at the main doors to her office.
"Don't bother," Naruto commented. "They didn't see me either." Tsunade continued to stare at her. "Ninja."
"Ninja," Tsunade stated, pointing at her window and her door, "possibly the best ninja in the world."
"Better ninja," Naruto commented, pointing at herself. "Oh, and your ninja are actually doing pretty good out there, Nanbu."
"Of course they are, you killed all the weak ones," Nanbu said.
"Well, not all of them," Naruto replied cheerfully. "The weak ones with strong survival instincts survived too. Never underestimate weak ones, they start getting smart. . .and tricky."
"Where have Naruto's ninja been?" Tsunade demanded.
"My ninja?" Naruto asked. The glare she received told her that the Hokage was not amused. "We're around. We've been taking some of the pressure off of your ninja."
"Why haven't you been helping us?"
"We have!" Naruto protested. Tsunade let out an annoyed groan and pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt a migraine coming on.
"Why haven't you been working with us?" she tried again.
"I wanted to see how well you'd all do," Naruto said, "and I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed. I get sealed away for a few decades and look what's become of all you. You've gotten soft." She glanced at A and added rather pointedly, "all of you." She turned back to Tsunade. "When I fought you in the Second Great War, you came pretty close to killing me. Well, closer then most people."
"What are you talking about?" Tsunade asked in confusion. "You weren't alive in the Second Great War."
"How's that scar?" Naruto asked. "I have to admit, I was amazed when you healed that wound. I've seen my chakra eat humans alive. You really are the best medic in the world."
"What?" the older blond asked, one hand unconsciously going to her stomach.
"Oh," Nanbu grunted. "Have you finally figured it out?" Tsunade turned to him. "Oldest and Strongest of the Tailed Beasts, the Great Beast of War, the Walking Catastrophe, the Living Act of God," he studied her for a moment, "the Nine Tailed Demon Fox." Tsunade turned back to the grinning blond, who completely ruined the growing sense of dread in the room by leaping into Nanbu's remaining arm and planting a kiss on his forehead.
"Yay! I always love it when you do the introductions!" she jabbered, completely oblivious to the stares she was receiving. "Nobody remembers half those names any more. Of course, you did miss Reigning Champion of Mimi's Atomic Wing Bowl, Reining Champion of the Yukikage's Vodka Chugging Challenge and that one really awesome name that I can never pronounce right but translates into something like the Rewriter of Maps and. . ." Nanbu promptly dropped her on her ass, ". . .ow! What was. . ."
"Stay!" the masked ninja ordered.
"Hey, I'm not a dog. . ."
"Stay," Nanbu repeated. He retreated across the office and put his back to the wall. "Alright,
ontinue your pointless yammering."
"My yammering is not. . .erk!" the female Naruto managed to squeak as she was grabbed by her throat and lifted from the ground.
"Where is Naruto?" Tsunade demanded in a rather terrifyingly calm voice.
"Naruto's not here anymore Granny," the blond woman replied.
"Don't you dare call me that," Tsunade growled.
"Fair enough. . .Kiddo," the other woman replied before calmly reaching up and squeezing Tsunade's wrists and forcing her hands to spring open against her will. "The time for games is over. I was watching this whole show to see how all of you would fare. You've failed, so me and all of you are going to have some remedial lessons later." She grinned broadly again. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I drew the short straw so I've got the best job!" With that she disappeared. Tsunade slowly turned to Nanbu.
"You knew about this."
"Of course," the old man stated. "I don't forget people I've fought and I've fought Mister Fox quite a few times over the decades."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because Mister Fox didn't tell you," Nanbu answered. "I may not be the brightest man on Earth, but I know that when you share a secret with something that could kill you, you don't run around telling everyone." Tsunade managed to make it behind her desk and sit down before her legs could give out. "I take it you were close with this Naruto character?"
"Yes."
"We both were," Gaara said suddenly.
"That's unfortunate," Nanbu allowed. "However, it does appear that Mister Fox has decided to get involved more openly."
"What can one man do?" A asked. The older man actually chuckled rather at that.
"Weren't you paying attention A? That thing's not a man at all." Nanbu frowned. "I wonder what she meant about having the best job. I don't think Mister Fox would leave the Uchiha to some clone, especially that one."
(:ii:)
"What the fuck?" Ryoga asked as he stared at the scene before him.
"Taro just ran into that place and then five seconds later he ran out like that," Maka explained. "And I do mean five seconds." Ryoga stared at his ninja who had been bent over backwards and had his head shoved up his ass. Then Ryoga looked at the ramen restaurant. Guy with his head shoved up his own ass plus ramen restaurant equaled they were all fucked.
"Is there a particular reason he was attacking a civilian establishment?" Ryoga asked. "I thought I gave orders that we were only going to attack military targets despite what Akatsuki said."
"Well you know Taro," Maka replied, "he's a prick." In the street Taro finally collapsed. "Well, he was. What do you want to do? I'm kind of a fan of running."
"Wouldn't matter," Ryoga grumbled. "I'll be right back, or I'll be dead." He straightened up and dusted himself off before walking up to the restaurant and sweeping aside the curtains. "Hey Naruto." The blond woman turned and grinned.
"Hey Ryoga! Have a seat." Ryoga slid into a seat and smiled at the nervous looking waitress. "You're part of Akatsuki's army?"
"Yup."
"But why?" the blond whined.
"They made me a good offer."
"You're part of the group attacking our village?" the waitress asked, suddenly looking a lot less nervous and a lot more angry.
"Yeah. Could I have a double beef ramen? Hold the poison please."
"We would never poison a paying customer," the waitress stated coldly.
"Right." Ryoga pulled out his wallet and counted out a few bills then he dumped the rest of them into the tip jar.
"Coming right up!"
"So," Naruto began. "What was the deal?"
"Akatsuki said that they'd help us retake our country," Ryoga stated. He saw the blond's clueless look. "You do know that I'm from Moss Country, right? The one that just had a coup? The coup backed by the Fire Country?"
"Oh! I was wondering why I hadn't seen you at the past few Mimi's Atomic Wing Bowls," she stated finally. Ryoga puffed out an annoyed breath. "So you took off after the coup ended?"
"The daimyo and our village leader have gone into exile," Ryoga stated. "The ninja who remained loyal to them have been busy sneaking people out to avoid the ethnic cleansings."
"That I knew!" the blond stated happily. "We've had an influx of refugees. I've been seeing to getting them all settled."
"Thanks for that." Ryoga's order arrived and he stared down at it, pondering his chances. "Eh." He broke his chopsticks and slurped up some of the noodles. "This is excellent."
"Thanks!" the waitress said cheerfully.
"So, Akatsuki offered to help you retake your village?" Naruto asked. Ryoga nodded and kept eating. It was always best to savor potential last meals. "And you didn't think to come ask me?"
"Kind of busy with the guerilla resistance and underground railroad things," Ryoga stated. "They came to us."
"You did know that me and my boys would be here, right?" Naruto pressed.
"Yeah," Ryoga replied. "We had to take the chance. I swore to defend my village and the people of my country, even if it means going up against you guys and dying."
"I like that," Naruto said. "Make you a deal?"
"Shoot."
"Get your ninja out of here and I'll swing by after the war. Free of charge."
"You'd do that?" Ryoga asked. "I kind of thought your foxes liked violent warmongers."
"I love warmongers," Naruto replied. "I hate people who murder civilians for shits and giggles. I was planning and swinging by anyway. Deal?"
"Deal." They shook on it and Ryoga leaned back out of the stand. "Hey Maka!" The blond woman wondered over.
"Hey Naruto."
"Maka."
"Naruto has offered his assistance in return for us leaving. I want you to pass word to all Moss ninja that we are done here."
"Right," Maka replied. "I'll get right on it." Ryoga nodded his thanks and turned back to his ramen. It really was very good.
(:ii:)
"This is depressing," Naruto commented as he stared down into streets of the Village Hidden in the Leaves from the rooftop where he and most of his ninja were watching. "How can they be this bad?"
"They're outnumbered ten to one," Kisame stated. "Not everybody views those kinds of odds as a fun challenge."
"They should be doing better," Naruto growled. "You remember the last war don't you? This is pathetic. How could they have all gone this soft?"
"Breathe Naruto," Rumiko ordered. The blond took a few deep breaths.
"How are our genin?"
"They completed their perimeter around the shelters," Rumiko reported. "They've already stopped a few attacks from getting through to the other village's genin. These assholes really want the civilians. I'm guessing that they're planning on trading them for you."
"Good plan," Naruto commented before his eyes unfocused rather suddenly. "The weird one spilled the beans," he said.
"Your inner feminine side?" Yui asked.
"I have no inner feminine side," Naruto countered automatically.
"So, can I start having fun yet?" Kisame asked. "You know, cause I've been really bored since this invasion started, which makes no sense."
"Yup," Naruto replied. "Alright boys, get some." It was at that moment that a snake the size of a train appeared in the forests surrounding the village. "Ooh. Dibs."
"You know, now might be a good time to stop dicking around and unseal yourself," Rumiko commented as she unconsciously took a step back.
"Not dicking around," Naruto replied. "I really can't unseal myself." Rumiko stared at him. "Totally serious on that."
"Really?" Kisame asked.
"Yup."
"So you're stuck at half your power?"
"Little less than half," Naruto admitted. He glanced to the side and found himself staring down the length of a rather cartoonishly big sword.
"Meet me at the playground after the war. I'm going to push your shit in."
"Fair enough," Naruto replied cheerfully. "Anyway, uh, don't you want to fight the giant snake? It's probably the strongest thing here other than Madara and if anyone kills Madara other than me, I'm going to have to do horrible things to them despite any favors past."
"Nah, I don't like snakes." The blue man's eyes bulged suddenly as he realized what he said. "Uh. . .I. . .uh. . .I mean. . .well, who likes snakes?" Everyone on the roof top stared at him.
"You're scared of snakes?" Rumiko asked.
"No!"
"Sure," Naruto said as he rubbed his chin. He glanced around at the gathered ninja. "Alright folks, the snake and the Uchiha are mine. Other than that, sic 'em." The others disappeared with various hoots and cheers. Naruto chuckled and watched them go. He took a deep breath and felt the Fox Cloak envelope him. Time to have some fun himself.
(:ii:)
"Wait, god damn it!" Kisame let out an annoyed groan, skidded to a halt and turned to glare at his pursuer.
"What is it Rumiko?"
"God damn your long legs," Rumiko panted as she landed next to him and doubled over to gasp for breath. "You're coming with me."
"Could you repeat that?" Kisame asked. "It sounded like you were expecting me to follow you around instead of going out and beating on some strong guys."
"Yup!"
"And why would I do. . .erk!" Kisame stared down in horror at a rather small, feminine hand that had latched onto his groin.
"Any other questions?" Rumiko asked sweetly.
"Nope," Kisame managed. The dark haired woman gave him a rather none-to-gentle squeeze and released him. The much larger man let out a pained groan and sank to his knees, cupping his privates protectively.
"Oh cheer up," Rumiko said, patting his cheek. "My redhead probably has a couple of bodyguards and I'll bet that they're really strong."
"Your redhead?" Kisame asked.
"Yep! She's a lieutenant in the army. She's a non-combatant so she'll be in the rear."
"She?" Kisame repeated as he rose to his feet. He had a bad feeling about where this was going.
"Uh, huh. She's this smoking hottie with glasses. I love the nerdy looking chicks with big knockers."
"Uh oh." His fears confirmed, Kisame took a knee and rested his hands on Rumiko's shoulders. "Okay." He took a deep breath. He liked Rumiko, she could scare Naruto, which made her okay in Kisame's book. Unfortunately, he knew where this was going. "Rumiko, you cannot rape an enemy ninja into submission. I know our village's laws are really loose, but rape is bad. This is pretty clean cut. Rape is bad like murder and human trafficking. It's one of the few ways to get a sure fire death sentence."
"Silly Kisame," Rumiko responded. "I'm a hot chick, right?"
"Uh, for the sake of argument, sure."
"Therefore I can't rape anything," Rumiko stated cheerfully. "Right?"
"Actually. . ." Kisame was cut off as Rumiko looked down and he was forced to shy away from her.
"As I was saying," Rumiko continued, "I am going to go get my redhead and you will come with me to beat up anybody protecting her."
"Protecting her from being raped?" Kisame asked. The glare he received made him step a little further out of Rumiko's reach. "Naruto's going to kick my ass for this." He puffed out a sigh. "Well, at least I'm not going to be executed like you."
"Excellent! Now come with me my minion!"
(:ii:)
"What the fuck is going on?" Jin asked as he and a group of his ninja ducked into an alleyway.
"We are now getting our asses kicked!" Kiyone announced. Another explosion went off a little further away. "We need to get out of here."
"No!" Jin snapped. "We are ninja of the proud Land of Sound. We never. . ." he trailed off as a creature of swirling crimson chakra leapt past their alleyway cackling the entire way. "Well, that doesn't look good."
"We need to get. . ." Kiyone was interrupted as a duo of ninja stopped in front of their hiding place.
"Hey," the massive man began, "any of you guys strong?"
"Of course!" Jin announced. "We are ninja of the Land of Sound!"
"Land of Sound?" the man asked. "Okay. Never mind then. Let's go Rumiko. They're mooks. Look at them, they're all wearing masks."
"Any of you hot chicks?" the short woman asked. Jin glanced back at Kiyone who was shaking her head rather violently behind her mask.
"Uh. . .no?"
"What about that one with the big knockers?" the woman demanded, pointing at Kiyone.
"Well, I guess she looks okay after you haven't seen a woman for a couple of months," Jin replied with a shrug. "Hell, you don't even notice the buck teeth or unibrow. Just don't get her to take off her top or else you'll find out one of them is bigger than the other."
"Oh. Uh, let's go Kisame." Jin watched them leap away.
"She said Kisame, right?" he asked.
"Yep," Kiyone replied. "Uh, thanks. I'll punch you if you ever say any of that again."
"No problem." Jin pondered this revelation. "Alright, we are going back on the offensive! Attack!" With that, Jin led the charge back in the direction they had come from. Ninja of the Land of Sound never retreated, but sometimes they attacked in the opposite direction.
(:ii:)
"That little bitch," Sakura growled as she snuck through the streets of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Of course, it would be one of her genin who went AWOL. "I'm going to kill her and then I'm going to kill Naruto." Her threats were ruined as an entire platoon of ninja came sprinting around the corner. "Shit." They skidded to a halt and stared at her. "Uh. . .hi."
"Attack!" The leader took one step forward and crumpled to the ground as a cackling young woman dropped from a nearby building onto his head.
"It'sa me, Kaori!" She slapped an explosive tag onto her twitching victim and punted him into his compatriots before spinning and striking a pose as the whole group exploded. "Hey Sensei!" Sakura just stared at her in mute disbelief. "Sensei?"
"Why aren't you with the other genin?" The calm question immediately stole all of the genin's thunder.
"Uh. . .well. . .it was boring there," Kaori managed.
"You were ordered to go there to protect the villagers," Sakura stated.
"Oh, that's not a problem. Naruto's genin are there!"
"Nobody has seen any of Naruto's ninja anywhere," Sakura said.
"Well. . .they're ninja," Kaori explained./ "Trust me, Naruto's genin set up their own perimeter. That's why there haven't been any attacks on the shelters." Sakura continued to stare at her genin. "Uh. . .sorry?" Sakura's fingers curled up into a twitching fist. Invasion or not, war or not, she was finally going to give the little brat the epic beating that she deserved. Well she was, until a crimson blur leapt by trailing four tails of pure chakra.
"Oh, no."
"What the hell was that?" Kaori asked.
"Something horrible," Sakura stated. She fumbled through the pockets of her vest and finally came up with the seal that Masashi had given her months ago. "Go back to the shelters."
"Hell no! That thing is definitely going to lead me to the best party in town!" Kaori squealed.
"I don't have time to argue!" Sakura snapped.
"Then maybe you should stop and we should go," Kaori ventured.
"God damn it!" Sakura turned and began sprinting after her old teammate.
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. You know, I was planning to finishing off the war in this chapter, but then I realized how long it was getting and how much I love fucking with you guys, so. . .yeah. Heh.
Alright, story time. So, my buddy got married and guess who was a groomsmen? That's right. Anyway, he booked the biggest church in Philly for the ceremony. There was a running bet on whether or not I would burst into flame upon crossing the threshold. Obviously I didn't, but I did only make it ten steps before running afoul of the priest. Dude walks up out of nowhere and says, "Now son, I know we don't wear hats in the house of the Lord." I of course respond, "Well, I guess not." The priest nods, turns to walk away and does a double take as he notices that I'm wearing flip flops and the tattoo on my leg. He looks like he's about to say something, but then he just gives up. He starts to turn at which point I make the mistake of pulling out a can of dip. Cue eye twitch. "And we don't partake tobacco either." This is of course followed by, "And we don't drink soda." I glance at my buddy and his family, Catholics, worried that I offended them, but they're just smirking. Apparently they decided that the priest was a prick too.
Later, during our ten second practice the priest announces, "At this point I will give out Holy Communion. Any questions?" The best man promptly asks, "What's Holy Communion." The priest says, "If you have to ask, I'm not giving it to you. Only Catholics can receive Communion." At which point I shoot up a hand, "Not a Catholic." The priest looked like he was going to start shooting lightning bolts and my buddy was just grinning, completely happy with the knowledge that he made the right choices. As far as the whole wedding party was concerned, everybody was a Protestant, a me, or didn't speak English and thus no shits were given.
Later we go to my buddy's grandmother's house in Little Italy and me and the best man are surrounded by folks speaking only Italian and Spanish, so we head out to the front porch to drink. The bride's brother who only speaks Spanish and the groom's grandpa who only speaks Italian decided to join us, thus speaking the international man language of saying nothing and pounding a Bud.
Of further note, I've been recommended on tvtropes and listed as an example. Now all I need is for someone to do a page on this story. Nah, I kid. This here story has so many tropes that any troper would kill themselves after the first chapter. No that is not a challenge, it is a fact.