I own nothing.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Thirty-One
Suigetsu scowled as he stared at the smoldering village in the distance. Why had he been the one to draw the short straw this time? He should be out there enjoying the odd murder or twenty. Instead he was guarding the bitch. "I bet the Demon of the Hidden Mist is out there."
"Of course he is," Karin replied. "Didn't you read the reports? He's part of the Village Hidden in the Springs." Suigetsu scowled. He had read the damned reports and the stupid twit didn't know how close he was to stuffing her in a closet somewhere and running off to find his nemesis. If Sasuke hadn't asked him to protect the woman, Samehada would be his by now.
"God damn it."
"Hey you, with the face and the sword." Suigetsu spun and stared at the massive man who had snuck up on him. "You kind of stand out, so you're not just some mook, right?"
"Kisame Hoshigaki."
"That's my name," the giant blue man stated. "Wait, Suigetsu?"
"Of course it's. . ." He was rudely cut off as he found himself pulled into a headlock and being rather cruelly noogied. "Quit it! Quit it!" Kisame released the smaller man.
"Damn kid. I didn't recognize you. Haven't seen you in years!"
"Not since you abandoned Akatsuki," Suigetsu growled as he tried to straighten his hair.
"Yeah, probably," Kisame admitted off handedly.
"A crime for which I will take your sword." Kisame's jaw dropped as Suigetsu drew Kubikiribocho from his back. "That is, after I'm done slicing you apart."
"Really?"
"Yup," Suigetsu replied. That was when Kisame began laughing. "Don't you dare mock me!"
"Sorry!" Kisame gasped as he wiped tears from his eyes. "No offense, buddy. I'm just so happy." He drew Samehada. "I've been trying to find someone worth my time and I was starting to think that I'd only see mooks."
"Hey!" Karin snapped. "You're supposed to protect me. You can't just go off and have fun."
"I am protecting you," Suigestu snapped. He glanced at Kisame. "Right?"
"Huh?" Kisame asked. He glanced between the two. "Oh! Right. This totally isn't for fun and awesomeness. He's protecting you."
"See?"
"Don't worry," a new voice interrupted. Suigetsu spun and saw that a dark haired woman wearing glasses had appeared behind the redhead and slung her arms around Karin's hips. "I'll keep you entertained, Babe."
"Wah!" Karin leapt away from the new woman. Satisfied, Suigetsu turned his full attention on his opponent.
"So, you like her?" Kisame asked.
"What?"
"Do you like her?" Kisame repeated.
"As a girlfriend or something?" Suigetsu asked, completely puzzled by the question.
"No, as a fellow human being."
"Not particularly," Suigetsu replied. "She's kind of a psycho bitch. I heard her talking in her sleep once. She wants to kill off me and my friends so she can paralyze and rape our boss."
"Oh, good!" Kisame stated. "I suddenly feel a lot better about what's going to happen to her."
(:ii:)
"Hey, I'm a medic, not a fighter," Karin stated as she backed away from the dark haired woman. The woman giggled as she unknotted the belt of her yukata and let it slip from her shoulders to reveal a loose tank top and tight black shorts.
"That's just perfect," she stated. "My name's Rumiko. You'll need to know what to scream."
"Right." Karin had heard enough and went for one of mankind's oldest tactics when faced with something scary. She screamed and turned to run. She made it about ten steps before she was tackled to the ground.
"I like them feisty," the other woman husked into her ear. "Squeal like a piggy."
(:ii:)
"So, what is that thing?" Sakura let out an annoyed puff and glared at her student out of the corner of her eye as they sprinted through the streets of the village, dodging ninja both ally and enemy alike.
"That thing is Naruto."
"Really?" Kaori asked. "I knew that bastard was holding out some awesome technique on me!"
"That's not a technique," Sakura stated. "That's the Nine Tailed Fox."
"What?"
"Long story short, that's not Naruto at the moment. That's the Nine Tailed Fox and we have to stop him."
"Why?"
"Because he's going to kill everyone," Sakura stated.
"He hasn't killed any one yet." Sakura took a bad step and stumbled before catching herself as she realized that her student had a point.
"What the hell?" Shrugging off the thought, Sakura redoubled her effort to catch her out of control teammate. She fumbled around in her vest and came out with the seal that Masashi had given her months ago. They turned a corner and Sakura saw the twisting mass of the fox cloaked perched atop the village wall. "Stay here!"
"No way!" Sakura didn't have time to argue and did the only thing she could think of. She slammed her elbow into the younger woman's solar plexus and dropped her.
"Stay!" With that Sakura sprinted towards the wall as Naruto quadrupled in size. She knew the technique and had seen its aftermath. She took a running jump and landed on the wall before flying towards Naruto with the seal in her hand. She knew she'd only have one shot at this and she knew she'd blown it when a second torso burst from the fox's bloated side and snagged her by the wrist.
Sakura's eyes slammed shut as she prepared for the pain she knew was coming; only it never came. She cracked one eye open and found herself face to face with the grinning fox. She glanced at her wrist and found that she was still being held, but instead of the extreme burning pain she remembered, there was a comfortable warmth. The fox followed her eye line and its grin widened. Then it did the last thing Sakura expected and winked. It plucked the seal out of her hand and, rather gently, threw her from the wall before the second torso retreated into the increasing mass of the main body. "Sensei?" Sakura glanced back and saw Kaori standing by her.
"Get down!" For once, Kaori didn't argue and threw herself down just as the fox fired its technique and the very earth under them bucked and bright light seared her eyes through her clamped shut eyelids. When the world finally calmed, Sakura glanced up and saw an orange clad figure standing on the partially buckled wall. She climbed to her feet and leapt onto the wall. "Naruto?"
"Hey Sakura." Sakura looked out and saw a twenty foot wide furrow dug in the ground leading up to a massive smoking corpse.
"What is that?"
"The new king of the snake summons," Naruto explained. "Well, he was. They need another new king now."
"I see." Sakura glanced at the grinning blond.
"Are you okay?"
"Never better," Naruto replied. He turned and stared at her with wide crimson eyes. "Stay here. I'm going to drag the Uchiha to you and finish this bullshit."
"The war?" Sakura asked.
"The promise," Naruto corrected.
(:ii:)
"There it is," Sasuke stated from atop his mount.
"I'm not blind," the massive snake growled.
"Attack!"
"Already on it," the snake grumbled. "Why do I always get the dick heads for summoners? From now on, I'm not honoring any contracts made under the old king. You know, just because I'm a snake doesn't mean I'm evil you. . ." The snake trailed off for a moment as it continued to slither forwards. "What's that?" Sasuke squinted into the distance and saw a swirling mass of red and black on the village's walls.
"I have no idea," he admitted as the mass suddenly began to swell in size.
"Oh, that can't be good." There was a bright flash of light and Sasuke, operating under some deep seated survival instinct, leapt away as a brilliant ball of light slammed into the snake. The resulting explosion slammed into Sasuke in the air and sent him tumbling before he slammed into the ground. He managed to climbed to his feet quickly and turned to look at his summon only to see a smoldering mass of flesh in its place.
"What the hell was that?" Sasuke turned back to look at the village, but the anomaly was gone. "Oh, that can't be good." The Sharingan spun to life and the Chidori shrieked into existence in his hand.
"Sasuke!" Sasuke glanced up and managed to throw up his hand in time to stop the Rasengan from taking off his head.
"Shit." Sasuke straightened up and turned to see an orange clad man before him. He took a breath and tried to stop his racing heart as the man turned as well. If the knucklehead hadn't yelled, Sasuke would be dead.
"Hey Sasuke."
"Naruto," the Uchiha stated. He glanced at the pulped remains of the blonde's right arm. After staring down his opponent for a moment, curiosity finally won out. "Doesn't that hurt?"
"What?"
"Your arm," Sasuke prodded. The blond glanced down at his arm and suddenly let out a blood curdling shriek as he noticed his injury. "Idiot," Sasuke grumbled. Only that moron would take so long to noticed a fatal. . .
"My coat!" Naruto wailed, interrupting Sasuke's train of thought. "This was a gift!"
"What." Sasuke managed blankly.
(:ii:)
Naruto stared down at the tattered sleeve of his coat. "You bastard! Yukie gave this to me." He glared hot death at Sasuke. "This coat was awesome!"
"What about your arm?"
"What about it?" Naruto demanded as new muscle filled in the gaps in his arm and were quickly covered by flesh.
"Of course," Sasuke grunted. "I forgot how tenacious you were." Naruto formed a seal and a clone burst into life next to him.
"Hold this," he demanded as he shoved his ruined coat into the blonde woman's hands.
"Sure thing!" the clone replied. "Don't punch up his face too much. He's hot and I want to do naughty things to him." Naruto stared at the clone in horror.
"Didn't you have a job?" he demanded.
"Well. . .yeah, but two hot guys getting sweaty and beating each other is way more awesome than ramen." She dissipated as Naruto took a swing at her with a kunai and his beloved coat fell to the dusty ground.
"God I hate that one." He glanced at his opponent. "Hey, let's just pretend that never happened."
"Fine by me," Sasuke replied.
"Thanks." Naruto flexed his repaired fingers and glanced down at his wrist. It was at that point that he noticed that the chain seal on his wrist was gone. "Huh."
"Are you ready to fight now?" Sasuke asked. "I plan on killing you and using your death to empower my Sharingan."
"Uh. . .sure," Naruto replied as chakra began to spiral in his left hand. "Hey, do me a favor?"
"It's the least that I can do, considering I'm about to kill you," Sasuke replied.
"Cool," Naruto replied. "Just do what comes naturally." With that, Naruto leapt at his opponent. There was a brief tugging sensation as they passed and Naruto skidded to a halt. He glanced down at his mutilated arm.
"With you dead, I will finally avenge my. . ."
"Hang on," Naruto interrupted as he watched his mutilated left arm regenerate. He reached deep within himself and felt something that he hadn't felt in a long time. "Oooh. Of course, lightning chakra, the opposity of this body's chakra affiliation. That's so clever that I'm going to turn Masashi inside out the next time I see him."
"What are you babbling about?" Sasuke demanded.
"You're about to find out," Naruto stated as freshly released chakra tore through his system. The Uchiha stumbled back a step. "My name is the Nine Tailed Fox and I'm going to flick you like a booger."
"Wait, what?"
(:ii:)
Madara frowned as he felt an old, familiar wave of chakra hit him like a tidal wave. "I see." Before him the blonde's human form tore apart and formed itself into a massive, long-eared fox. Unfortunately, the last scion of the Uchiha did not see and he leapt at the fox, only to be plucked out of the air.
"Gotcha," the fox growled as he rolled the youngest Uchiha between his fingers and flicked him off towards the walls of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. It was then that Madara decided to make his appearance.
"Hello, Fox." The beast's massive head turned to him and a grin spread across its face.
"Madara." The fox started forward and quickly condensed into a tall blond haired man. "I've been looking for you."
"Really?" Madara asked calmly.
"Yep," the blonde replied. "You owe me and I'm going to take your debt out on your face."
"This is actually rather fortuitous," Madara commented. "With the snake dead and most of my forces being routed, I'll just have to use you to complete my revenge." With that said, he reached deep within himself for the Wood Technique that would turn the most powerful of the Tailed Beasts into his weapon once again. Well, he tried, until a fist connected dead center with his nose. "Gah!"
"You do know that I let you do that last time, right?" the blond asked.
"What?" Madara managed to sputter.
"Yeah. We were buddies, of course I helped you out," the Fox stated. "I wasn't happy with the whole peace thing, but at least you were deciding who was going to lead the village the right way, by fighting! Then you lost and then you turned into a massive bitch. I can't believe I backed you instead of the Senju. Sure, they ended up being a bunch of hippies, but at least they had balls." Madara scowled. He had forgotten how strong and fast the damned Fox was. He was going to have to fall back and regroup. "I know that look. You're about to bitch out again."
"We will have to continue another day." Madara focused and felt the world slip slightly away from him. At least, it did until an open palm connected with the side of his face and sent him sprawling and his mask flying. "What."
"Bitch slap," the Fox stated.
"But. . .but I was. . ."
"Interdimensional bitch slap," the Fox added. "You do remember that I created the Sharingan, right?" Madara stared at him. "Alrighty then, how do I kill you so that you don't become a martyr?" The blond tapped his chin thoughtfully with one finger. "Well, looks like I'm going to have to humiliate you to death."
(:ii:)
"Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!"
"Wow, now that's horrible," Kaori commented as she leaned back against the village wall next to Sakura.
"Yup," the pink haired woman said monotonously.
"Hey folks!" Sakura glanced towards the voice and saw Kisame walking towards them dragging another man behind him by the ankle. He glanced at Naruto and frowned. "Is he. . ."
"Yup," Sakura repeated. On her other side, the mashed and twitching body of Sasuke Uchiha let out a weak moan.
"Wow," Kisame grunted. "That's brutal." They watched as Naruto continued to sit on the man's chest and slap him with his own hands.
"Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!" The man burst into angry, aggravated tears again.
"So, why is he doing that?" Kaori asked. "I mean, he and Anko always told me that toying with your opponent is hilarious, but this is just. . .wrong."
"Well, I'm going to guess that that's Madara and Naruto is going to humiliate him to death in order to keep people from rallying around his death," Kisame ventured. "I guess he's so opposed to Madara's cause that he's killing that too in addition to him."
"What's Madara's cause?" Kaori asked.
"World peace," Kisame stated.
"What kind of hippy bullshit is that?" Kaori wondered.
"So, he's the good guy here?" Sakura asked.
"Well, his heart's in the right place, I guess," Kisame allowed. He glanced back at the two men. "For now anyway. Really, though, he wants to create peace by stripping everyone of their free will."
"Ah, utopia justifies the zombification?" Sakura asked. Kisame just shrugged. Sasuke let out another moan and the blue man glanced down at him. "Oh, hey Sasuke. We ran into a few of your crew. Right Suigetsu?" The man Kisame was dragging let out a similar moan.
"We?" Kaori asked.
"Uh, yeah. Me and Rumiko. She's still out there fighting."
"Really now," Kaori commented. "Is her opponent a woman?"
"Uh. . ."
"Where's she fighting?"
"I'm not telling you. You'd be in terrible peril."
"I'm a ninja! I'm supposed to face peril."
"Nope, it's too perilous."
"Just a little of the peril?"
"Nope."
"Bet you're gay." The giant blue man stared down at her for a moment before puffing out an annoyed sigh and walking off. Back on the battlefield Naruto had apparently decided to switch tactics.
"Pink belly!"
(:ii:)
"That was pretty!" Naruto stated to the corpse he was dragging behind him. Up ahead he could see Sakura, Kaori and a handful of Leaf ninja. "Hey folks!"
"Hey boss," Kaori replied. "Have fun?"
"Yep. You?" The genin just broken down into giggles which Naruto took as an affirmative. He glanced down at the last Uchiha. "Still alive?"
"Yes," Sakura answered.
"Cool. I was worried that I may have overdone it a little."
"So shattering every bone in his body is under doing it?" Sakura pressed. Naruto just grinned and shrugged.
"We'll take him sir," one of the masked Leaf ninja offered, pointing at Madara's corpse.
"Hell no, this one is mine. You've already got an Uchiha right there."
"I'm going to have to insist sir," the ninja stated. Naruto stared at the man and then, rather pointedly, looked at the still smoldering remains of the snake. The man caught his drift and backed off quickly. Naruto grinned and moved to stand beside Sakura.
"What's with the long face? You got your Uchiha back." The pink haired woman stared at him silently for a minute.
"We need to talk." Naruto let out a tired chuckle.
"Yeah, I suppose we do. Let me drop of Maddy here and I'll meet you at the memorial in half an hour. Deal?"
"You think I'm going to fall for that?" Sakura asked. "I'm just going to let you run off and disappear?"
"I told you that I was going to be at the memorial," Naruto said. "If I wasn't going to be there, then I wouldn't have said I was. I never understood why you humans say you'll do things and don't do it. I'll see you in half an hour."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Happy Fourth of July folks. Well, my American readers anyway. Happy Canada Day to our neighbors up north and brothers in redneckery. Now, now. Don't get all high and mighty on me. I know enough Canadians. Anyway, hope nobody lost a finger or anything.
So, this monster is finally drawing to a close. Good lord, this thing is massive. Well, by my standards anyway. I always worried about going over thirty chapters. I kind of think that a story that big tends to scare off new readers. Also, this was finished and posted on short notice. I'll go back tomorrow and actually proof read it.
And yes, yes. I know that Tobi is actually Obito and Madara is actually a corpse, but that was not known when I started this thing and this was pretty much always the planned ending. Jesus. Obito is not only alive, but actually the main bad guy. Somebody has been paying too much attention to the fan crack theories. And yes I just spoiled that for you. You're welcome.
Alright, guess it's probably story time about now and I did have kind of a funny run in at the local shooting range. Now, my local range is across the road from a big sports facility thing and sometimes the sports facility fills up its parking lot. In that case, some folks decide to park at the shooting range despite the warnings that their cars will be towed.
Anyway, I had just finished shooting and this very irate family just strolls into the range. It was a slow day so there was only one other shooter and he was loading clips. The dad goes right up to the range safety officer and demands to know what happened to his car. He's told that it was towed and he goes berserk. It was at that time that the other shooters let off a few rounds. Now he was shooting a .30-06 Garand and those things and damned loud even with muffs on. The whole family actually drops to their knees in pain.
They look around and seemingly just realized that they are on a live shooting range and that the guy the dad is yelling at has a disassembled pistol on the table in between them. Suddenly they get a lot more polite. Of course, I probably didn't help since I was a guy with a massive beard packing up one of those terrifying assault weapons that the news had been telling them only violent whack jobs own.
Me and the RSO had a good laugh about that after they left.
Moral of the story: Don't be a dick when something happens to you because you did something you knew was wrong, especially when everyone else is armed. It's like they say: an armed society is a polite society.