I own nothing.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Thirty-Two
"And then I slapped an explosive tag on his ass and kicked him into his buddies!" Kaori cheered.
"That is pretty funny," Naruto admitted as the two made their way through the streets. A masked ninja wearing a Leaf forehead protector started forward, but hesitated as he saw what Naruto was dragging and decided to go another way.
"So, what are you going to do with him?" Kaori asked, looking back at the body.
"Weekend and Bernie's," Naruto replied happily. "This is going to be hilarious."
"What's Weekend at Bernie's." Naruto could only sigh in disgust.
"Never mind. Anyway, everybody get out here!" The genin of the Village Hidden in the Springs began to pop up from various places, including a spider hole in the middle of the street. Naruto glanced down into the hole and then stared at the genin who had been hiding in it.
"What?" the boy asked. Naruto cast another look down at the dozens of skeletons littering the floor of the pit.
"Nothing," he said peaceably. "Good job. Anybody have any trouble?"
"They never saw us coming," Ashikaga stated.
"What's the fun in that?" Kaori asked. The larger boy glanced away and blushed.
"Eh, whatever," Naruto grunted. "Everybody hook back up with your bosses. I think we're heading for persona non grata status around here, so I want you all to pack up." They all quickly dispersed. "You know, I think Ash has a crush on you."
"He's a little young for my tastes," Kaori stated.
"Fair enough." The look she was giving him made him wonder if she had managed to scrounge up some more tequila.
"There you are!" The twosome turned and saw the rest of Sakura's genin team coming towards them. "Where the hell have you been?" Quiet Twin demanded. "You were supposed to be with us!"
"I was with you guys!" Kaori protested, "but then I got bored so I went out and started picking fights."
"Sensei is going to kill you when she finds you," Quiet Twin growled in exasperation.
"Oh, I already ran into her," Kaori said. "She seemed cool with it." The two other genin stared at her blankly. "Anyway, I owed these assholes. They stopped me from getting to beat up Little Miss Natural Genius and show everybody that hard work is true genius!"
"You stupid bitch!" They all stared at Not a Twin in shock. "You think I didn't work myself to near death to get as good as I am?"
"Uh," Kaori managed brilliantly.
"I, unlike you, didn't have my family's support!" Not a Twin shrieked. "I busted my ass every single day in class and at my jobs while my parents told me I was wasting my life! I had no friends and no personal life. Now you think, just because you started applying yourself, that you're better than me? You've always had more potential than me; you were just too fucking lazy! You. . .you. . ." The girl let out a shriek and seized Kaori by the throat.
"Huh," Naruto grunted as he watched his student flail wildly in panic. She looked at him and he just shrugged. "Apologize. . .maybe?"
"I'm. . .so. . .rry!" Kaori managed as she tried desperately to pull the other genin's hands from her neck. Not a Twin took several deep breaths and managed to pry her own hands away.
"You're a fucking idiot," she growled.
"Yeah," Kaori admitted. "Hey, how about we go grab lunch? It'll be my treat."
"Fine," Not a Twin puffed. "Whatever."
"Great!" Kaori cheered. "I know this great place called the Kage Club!" Naruto and Quiet Twin watched silently as the two girls walked off.
"Well, I'm sure that's totally not going to come back and bite me in the ass," he said after a moment.
"Uh. . .probably," Quiet Twin replied. "So, what's with the stiff?"
"Huh? Oh." Naruto glanced back at Madara. "I was thinking some Weekend at Bernie's shenanigans."
"That is such an awesome movie!" Quiet Twin squealed.
"I know, right?" Naruto demanded. "You have just been promoted to named character!"
"Uh. . .thanks?" Quiet Twin replied.
"Not a problem!" Naruto cheered. "So, what is your name anyway?"
(:ii:)
"You're late."
"I never even said I'd be here," Sakura replied as she glanced at the memorial to the fallen ninja of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. "That's how you play, right?"
"Now you're getting it,' Naruto stated as he grinned at her.
"I want the truth now," Sakura stated.
"You know the truth," Naruto answered. The pink haired woman glared at him. "Come on Sakura, you're not stupid. You're in denial."
"Tell me your name," Sakura demanded. She wanted, no, she needed to hear him say it.
"I've had many," the blond stated. "The one you'd know is more a description than a name." Sakura seized him by the lapels of his shirt and slammed him into the memorial.
"Say it."
"I'm the Nine Tailed Fox," the blond said with a grin before he reached up and pried her hands from his shirt. It was for the best because Sakura would have dropped him as all the strength fled her body.
"Where is Naruto?" she whispered.
"Do you believe in souls?" the blond asked as he sat down on a nearby bench and patted the seat next to himself. Sakura kept standing.
"No. I've seen hundreds of people die. I've stared into the eyes of some as they went. There's nothing romantic about it. There's no soul leaving the body. One minute they're alive. The next they're gone."
"That's a shame," the Fox replied, "but then, in a way, that means that Naruto is still here." Sakura glared at him.
"Tell me what happened."
"I already did, I just left out a few bits," the Fox said. "You remember when I told you about the last fight before I left?"
"Before Naruto left!" Sakura snapped. "You tricked him!" The blond moved too fast for her to follow. He went from sitting on the bench to holding her off the ground by her throat.
"Watch your tongue kiddo. I won't have anyone denigrate his sacrifice. I made an offer to protect you and this village and he accepted at the cost of his own life." Sakura clawed at his hand, but there was no way she could get free. "Do you understand?" She managed to nod and he lowered her back to the ground.
"Why do you care what I say about him?" she spat as she gasped for breath.
"I liked the kid," the Fox stated. "He was a good guy."
"He said you hated him," Sakura argued.
"Like. . .hate. . .they're not mutually exclusive really," the Fox said as he sat back down. "I liked him as a person. He had a lot of my best qualities."
"He was nothing like you!"
"Honest, loyal, friendly, maybe a little over exuberant?" the Fox ventured. "Do you think he learned that living by himself? Anyway, I also hated him, but that wasn't personal. He was my prison and I wanted to be free."
"If you were set free, then why do you look like that?" Sakura asked.
"Ryoko," the Fox stated. "Remember her?" Sakura nodded. "When she tried to reseal me, she recreated this body and stuck me in it. It's a perfect copy right down to every chemical and crease in the brain. As far as you're concerned, that's all a person is, right?"
"You're not Naruto," Sakura stated.
"No. I'm definitely only a me." Sakura sat down heavily next to the man.
"I never got to tell him so many things," she managed quietly.
"You know, I love you humans. . ."
"Really?" Sakura interrupted.
"Of course! You guys make this long life of mine worth living. You've got art, music, alcohol and boobs! Have you ever seen boobs on anything not human?"
"Uh. . .no. I don't suppose I have," Sakura replied.
"That's because no other animal has them!" the Fox exclaimed. "Anyway, I love you humans, but you guys always act like you have all the time in the world. . .and you kind of. . .don't. I could never figure out why you always procrastinate."
"Easy for an immortal to say," Sakura growled.
"Immortal is what they call you until you die," the Fox replied. "Anyway, Naruto wouldn't want you to be sad. He'd want you to go out and party. Hell, go hook up with Dog Boy again. Have some fun and don't hold anything back. You never know when it'll be too late."
"How would you know what Naruto would want?" Sakura spat.
"Well, I lived with him longer than you knew he existed and, like I said, we kind of have the same brain now," the Fox explained. "I have all of his memories, all of his emotions, all of the ways his brain reacts to things. . .and people. Some of them are clearer than my own. It's complicated. Anyway, he would want me to tell you how proud he is." The Fox stood and stretched. "Now, I have things to do. I kind of expect that you'd rather never see me again."
"You're right," Sakura replied. The Fox bowed cheerfully and patted the monument before disappearing. The pink haired woman rose to her feet and stared at the stone memorial for a moment and quickly found the latest name carefully carved into the long list. "Naruto Uzumaki."
(:ii:)
"Hey Kiddo!" Naruto cheered as he strolled into the Hokage's office. The blond looked up from the papers on her desk and scowled.
"What do you want?" she asked.
"To talk," Naruto said as he planted himself in one of the chairs in front of Tsunade's desk. "I just wanted to be polite and let you know that when I leave here, me and my buddies are going to walk through Moss Country. You might want to tell your ninja to get out now."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Of course not," Naruto said. "All the same, anyone who raised a finger against me and mine will be killed. I don't much care if they're genocidal psychopaths or Leaf ninja just doing their jobs. I am offended by everything going on there and I will stop it."
"I didn't know the Nine Tailed Fox could be offended by a war," Tsunade grunted as she pulled out the bottle of vodka from her desk and poured two glasses.
"I love war," Naruto stated. "Humans are only every honest with themselves during war. In those desperate moments you get to find out who the cowards are. You also get to find out who rises to the occasion and throws down way above the weight classes people put them in. I seem to remember a pigtailed medic with giant knockers who slammed into a tidal wave of ninja to protect her aide station and mauled an entire battalion by herself."
"Flattery will get you nowhere," Tsunade stated as she sipped her drink.
"Anyway, Moss isn't war. It's extermination. I can't stand people who are so cowardly that they only attack those weaker than themselves. I'm offended by their very existence, so I will put an end to it."
"I see." Naruto took a long pull from his own drink. "Thank you for your assistance."
"My pleasure."
"It's kind of terrifying that so few ninja could turn the tide of battle so fast," Tsunade commented.
"Yeah, it is. Your people should have done better." Naruto finished his glass and Tsunade refilled it. "This is your fair warning. You asked me when you should stop trusting me. That time begins when I leave this village's walls."
"Not before?" Tsunade asked.
"You're weak now. Why would I attack? That's no fun at all."
"Of course." Tsunade kept sipping her drink. "But you will attack won't you. You're going to attack all of us. That's what you meant by remedial lessons, right?"
"Yep. The five most powerful leaders and their best ninja were almost wiped out by a single terrorist and his army," Naruto pointed out. "Do you see the problem there? You're all letting yourself get weak."
"We're at peace right now!" Tsunade snapped.
"The hell you are!" Naruto snarled, his face contorted in a sudden animalistic rage. "You idiots have been hiring mercenaries to fight each other in countries that have nothing to do you with either of you. That's not peace. That's pathetic. That's also why Madara was able to get so many ninja to follow him. You guys want to do the swords into plowshares bullshit, fine, but don't be hypocritical about it. I helped create your countries and so help me; I will tear them down and start anew if that's what it takes to wake you up. I've done it before."
"Are you threatening me and my village?" Tsunade asked.
"I'm threatening your entire way of life," Naruto corrected. He finished his drink and rose to his feet. "Are you going to do anything about it?"
"Not now," Tsunade replied truthfully.
"Your call Kiddo. I'll be seeing you around."
(:ii:)
"I thought you didn't like beer."
"I don't," Kisame replied as he finished off another beer. "I just need to be drunk and I already killed off all of Naruto's hard liquor."
"All of it?" Anko asked.
"There wasn't that much," Kisame replied as he poked one of the liquor bottles and accidentally sent it falling off the table. "Oops." The window clicked open and Kisame popped off the top of another beer and killed it.
"Naruto!" Kisame opened another beer. "I heard you humiliated a guy to death."
"Yep," Naruto replied as he collapsed into a chair across from Kisame and stared down at all the scattered bottles.
"That makes me so wet," Anko stated. "Think you can make it to the door without falling on your face, Kisame?"
"Sure," Kisame replied as he killed his beer and went for another.
"Yui can help you, right Yui?"
"Sure," the blond replied as she walked out with another case of beer. "Although, I kind of want to keep going. I've never seen Kisame drunk."
"So, you're about to tell me something bad, right?" Naruto asked.
"What was your first clue?" Kisame asked.
"Kage's intuition," Naruto answered.
"Ah." Kisame opened another beer. "Rumiko."
"Uh, oh." That was, of course, when Rumiko kicked open Naruto's door and strolled in with Karin behind her.
"Hey folks!"
"Uh, hey Rumiko," Naruto replied. "You're looking very happy."
"Am happy!" Rumiko replied. She looked at the table. "Jesus. Any beer left in this shit hole?"
"Try the closet," Naruto stated.
"Thanks!"
"Isn't that. . ."
"Shut up Kisame," Naruto hissed. The dark haired woman tore open the door and let out a screech as Madara leapt from his hiding place and tackled her to the ground. Kisame could only let out a disgusted sigh.
"Help!" It took about ten seconds of wild struggling before Rumiko noticed that Madara wasn't actually moving. She shuffled out from under the man and stared down at him. Then she turned and stared at Naruto. "Did you. . ."
"Yup." She turned back to the corpse.
"Wow, I didn't know you were that good at taxidermy. This has potential."
"You know," Kisame began, quite proud that he was only barely slurring his words, "sometimes I think you're the normal one and then you go and fuck it up."
"So, who's the Ginger?" Naruto asked, "and what do you have to do with a drunk Kisame on my couch?"
"I have no idea what's up with him," Rumiko answered. "Anyway, this is Karin and she's my new sex slave."
"Oh." Naruto picked up one of the beers. "That's nice. Hi Karin."
"Uh, hello," the redhead replied. Naruto hesitated with the beer halfway to his mouth. He glanced back and forth between the three of them. "Oh. God damn it Rumiko."
"What'd she do?" Yui asked.
"She raped an enemy ninja into submission and forced Kisame to watch her back while she did it," Naruto stated. "Right Kisame?"
"Got it in one," Kisame stated. And now began the epic ass kicking that he had to admit, he probably did deserve.
"Don't be ridiculous!" Rumiko announced. "I'm a hot chick! I didn't rape her; I just surprised her with sex! Besides, look how she dresses."
"Is she being serious?" Anko asked.
"I think she actually is," Naruto stated. He sighed and stood up. "You are aware of the laws in out village, right?" Rumiko stared at him blankly. Naruto puffed out an annoyed sigh. "Alright Rumiko; you, me and Mister Stabby are going to go have a nice little conversation in the alleyway."
"No!" They all turned to look at the redhead. She blushed and looked down. "Uh. . .you see. . ."
"I think Rumiko managed to find a woman who likes that kind of thing," Anko commented. Kisame hesitated with a beer halfway to his mouth.
"Huh." He shrugged and finished his new beer. "Wasn't expecting that."
"Uh," Naruto began brilliantly. He scratched his head and looked around for suggestions, but everyone just stared back at him blankly. He turned back to Karin. "You do know that I can kill her where she stands, right? She can't hurt you."
"I know," the redhead admitted, still blushing wildly. "I. . .just. . .it's okay." Naruto sat back down and scratched his head again.
"I have no idea what to do here. Anybody have suggestions?"
"Don't you two think you're taking this joke a little far?" Yui asked.
"No harm no foul?" Kisame ventured. "I mean, if no one presses charges, is it a crime?"
"Well. . .yeah, if you break the law." Naruto massaged his temples and killed his drink. "Beer me." Kisame threw him a beer and he finished it before turning to Rumiko. "Okay, Rumiko. I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay?"
"Uh, sure," Rumiko replied, still kind of looking like she wanted to run.
"If you do this again, even if the woman is willing in the end, I will kill you. Deal?"
"Deal," Rumiko replied, visibly slumping in relief as they shook hands.
"Seriously, you're all weird and I'm not getting this joke," Yui commented.
"For Christ's sake Yui, you are in clinical denial now," Naruto said. "Rumiko is a lesbian who sexually assaulted that woman who actually turned out to like that kind of thing."
"What?" Yui gasped. "That's ridiculous. Rumiko isn't a lesbian." Kisame glanced around in confusion. He could have sworn he had just heard the sound of a very large rubber band snapping. Or it could have been Rumiko's war cry as she tackled the blond to the floor.
"Ooh," Naruto murmured as he snatched up another beer. "I've been waiting for this."
"Uh. . .Boss? Problem." Kisame stated as he watched with some interest as Rumiko tore into Yui's clothes. . .with her teeth.
"Yeah?" Naruto asked.
"What did we just talk about?" Kisame ventured. The blonde's eye twitched rather mightily as he let out an annoyed sigh and climbed to his feet. That was when Yui managed to get a foot flat on the ground and flipped them over. . .where she promptly went after Rumiko's clothes. . .with her teeth.
"Oh, there we go," Naruto replied as he sat back down. "This is going better than I thought."
"I'm going in!" Anko announced as she tore off her jacket and fishnets and jumped into the tangle of limbs.
"Much better," Kisame agreed. He patted the seat next to himself. "Want a seat and a beer Red?"
"Okay," Karin managed as she collapsed next to him and took a beer. "Should we give them some privacy?"
"Hell no," Kisame said. "I've paid good money to see shows with uglier chicks."
"I'll drink to that," Naruto said as he held up his beer. The three toasted and went back to watching the show.
(:ii:)
"Anyway, that went on for an hour or two and then Naruto's inner feminine side. . ."
"I have no inner feminine side," Naruto grumbled as he drank his beer.
". . .showed up and we kind of thought that was a little too weird so we came here for dinner," Kisame finished.
"Whoa," Kaori said in awe.
"That's kind of hot," Satomi added. Naruto and Kisame stared at her. "What?"
"Nothing," Kisame said quickly. The young woman shrugged and did another shot.
"So, Rumiko finally snapped, huh?" Yasu asked.
"You seem strangely okay with what she's doing to your sister," Kisame commented.
"She had it coming," Yasu replied with a shrug.
"No arguing there," Kisame said. He took another bite of his food. "How come the best steak I've ever had is in a strip club?"
"This strip club costs more to get into than most of the steak houses around here," Naruto pointed out. "The scenery's nicer too."
"I'll say!" Kaori cheered as she took another shot. "Although, I really have to ask, what's up with him?"
"Huh?"
"Him," Kaori said, pointing to the last member of there party. Madara had been propped up in a chair with a beer in his hand and a cigarette wedged between his lips.
"Oh, you know. Might find something funny to do with him," Naruto stated.
"Like what?" Kaori asked.
"I don't know, but you never know when an opportunity might present itself."
"Okay. Hey! Yumi's up. Come on Satomi!" Naruto watched them scamper off.
"They're getting along well," he commented. "Team building through strip clubs, I like it. Lap dances for everyone!"
"Pass," Yasu said as he sipped his beer.
"What?" Naruto sputtered. He looked around wildly. "None of these women are your type?"
"Well, no, they aren't," Yasu answered. "Anyway, I'm in a relationship."
"It's just a lap dance," Naruto argued. "God, she's in another country. She'll never find out."
"Actually he's here in the village with us," Yasu corrected.
"Oh." Naruto sipped his beer.
"Uh. . .Naruto?"
"Give him a minute," Kisame interrupted.
"Wait a minute!"
"Yeah. I'm gay."
"But. . .but. . .you. . .you can't be gay!"
"Why not?" Yasu asked.
"You. . .you like to blow stuff up and get into fist fights," Naruto answered.
"Yeah, I'm a faggot, not a fairy."
"What's the difference?" Kisame asked curiously.
"One doesn't fuck women and the other thinks they are a woman."
"Oh."
"Anyway, I actually have to get going," Yasu stated. "Me and Shogo are going to get a civil union while we're here."
"Shogo's gay?" Naruto demanded. "But. . .but. . .but. . ."
"I think you broke him," Kisame commented. "Why are you getting a civil union?"
"Well, Fire actually allows homosexual civil unions," Yasu explained. "It's better than nothing I guess."
"Why don't you just get married back at Spring?" Naruto asked, finally overcoming him shock.
"Homosexuality is still technically illegal in our village," Yasu explained. "It's just that nobody actually enforces that law."
"Well, I'll change it when we get back," Naruto said with a shrug. Yasu stared at him blankly.
"What?"
"Yeah. Kind of defeats the whole purpose if folks can't do something as simple as get married." Yasu continued to stare at him. "Are you crying? I thought you weren't a fairy."
"I'm not crying!" Yasu snapped. "I have smoke in my eyes."
"Sure. . .fairy." Yasu slugged him in the shoulder and climbed to his feet.
"I need to go buy a ring."
"Hey Boss!" Naruto turned and saw Kaori and Satomi leading Yumi over to their table. "Where'd Yasu go?"
"Buying a ring."
"Who's your friend?" Yumi asked. "He kind of looks like. . ."
"Totally not the guy who attacked this village," Naruto interrupted.
"Ah. He looks dead drunk."
"Uh. . .dead right," Naruto replied. "Hey, think you could wake him up with a lap dance?"
"I could give it a shot," Yumi replied.
"Naruto, you are not allowed to traumatize my friends," Kaori stated as she sat down.
"Killjoy."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. I really was planning on making this the last chapter, but I've just got too many damned gags left. Yes. I will needlessly drag out a story just to use all the gags I had planned. Hell, I'm still planning on adding a chapter full of omakes at some point. Maybe I'll even ask for contributors. Could be fun. What do you guys think?
Alright, here's some funny shit. I have a decent job. Part of what makes it decent is that I work really fucked up hours and I'd be really hard to replace, so I get away with a lot of shit. I know this and my boss knows this, so she kind of treats my shenanigans with a certain degree of exasperated acceptance. Every once in a while she still has to call me out on my shit. Such conversations include:
Boss: Jack!
Jack: Yeah?
Boss: Did you tell that woman you can't swim?
Jack: Yeah.
Boss: God damn it.
Boss: Jack!
Jack: Yeah?
Boss: Did you tell that kid that the lines on the bottom of the pool are alligators?
Jack: Yeah.
Boss: God damn it.
Boss: Jack!
Jack: Yeah?
Boss: Did you tell that kid that the bubbles coming out of the vents were the shark cages opening?
Jack: Yeah.
Boss: God damn it.
Boss: Jack!
Jack: Yeah?
Boss: Did you just draw a big frowny face on your time adjustment sheet under the reason for adjustment?
Jack: Yeah.
Boss: You know that those go to my boss, right?
Jack: Yeah.
Boss: God damn it.
Boss: Jack!
Jack: Yeah?
Boss: Did you tell that kid that we'd have to cut his finger off if he kept sticking it in the vent and got it stuck?
Jack: Yeah.
Boss: Did he stop sticking his fingers in the vent?
Jack: Yeah.
Boss: Fucking brilliant!
Keep in mind that I'm a senior lifeguard, i.e. a person who is supposed to instruct other lifeguards on how to lifeguard. Anyway, with summer here, I actually get to meet some of the other guards instead of the two people I normally work with during the winter. One such meeting involved one of the new guards and went as follows.
New Guard: Oh, you're Jack. I've heard of you.
Jack: You have?
New Guard: Yeah.
Jack: What do they say about me?
New Guard: Well. . .they kind of say that you're. . .a. . .you know. . .redneck.
*This was as I was standing around wearing a cowboy hat and dipping after spending ten minutes laughing with a friend of mine about how shooting squirrels with a 5.56mm makes them go poof*
Jack: Yeah. . .that's fair.