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Omake 3 (Dafuq Happen to Ino?)
"Wait. You tried to seduce Anko's boyfriend?"
"Yup," Ino replied.
"Wow," Kiba commented. "That is a very dangerous game you are playing. This is the first time Anko has actually had a steady boyfriend. You are dumb as a rock, but you've got the biggest balls I've ever seen." Ino raised an eyebrow. "Metaphorically anyway."
"Well, she stole my boyfriend!" Ino snapped.
"The boyfriend that we all told you was a weak willed man whore who was just waiting to cheat on you?" Kiba pressed. Ino just glared at him. "Look. When Anko steals your boyfriend who is probably already cheating on you and traumatizes him, it's funny. When you try to steal Anko's first actual steady boyfriend, it's worrying." Kiba glanced around the ANBU office. "Show of hands?" Most hands went up.
"I don't care if he was a weak willed man whore," Ino growled. "Breaking him should have been my job." It was at that moment that the door to their office exploded inward and a furious looking Anko strode in.
"Yamanaka!"
"Yes?" Ino asked. The purple haired woman's eyes locked onto the blonde and she stalked over. Ino had just enough time to consider her life choices before her boss in the interrogation division grabbed her by the hair and dipped her down into a deep kiss.
"Silly girl. If you wanted to try out my boyfriend, you should have asked." The arms supporting Ino disappeared and the blonde dropped to the ground in shock. "Next time you want a threesome, just call. Toodles!" Ino stared at the door as it slammed shut.
"You okay?" Kiba asked, offering a hand. Ino ignored him and shot to her feet. She glanced around the office and glared at the other ANBU members.
"What the hell are you looking at?" she demanded.
"Uh, Ino?" Kiba ventured, gesturing vaguely downward. Ino glanced down and stared at her exposed breasts for a moment before clamping an arm across her chest. "God damn it Anko, give my back my bra!" She managed a few steps after pulling her top back down before freezing and rubbing her thighs together for a moment. "Damn it! Those are my favorite panties too!"
(:ii:)
Kiba watched as his blonde coworker stormed out of the office screaming. "Wow, Anko is good."
"Yeah," one of the masked ninja stated as he stood up and stretched. "So, Naruto is dating Anko?"
"Yep," Kiba replied.
"Huh," the masked stated. "That little bastard. I'm so proud of him. You know what? I've been on duty for thirty six hours. If anybody needs me, I'll be in my bunk." He managed only a few steps before a lavender haired ANBU ninja climbed to her feet.
"Hey, Iruka?"
"Yeah?" the man asked as he pulled off his mask to reveal a familiar scarred visage.
"You know, the supply closet on this floor is a lot closer than the barracks," the lavender-haired kuinoichi commented as she pulled off her mask as well.
"Is it?" Iruka asked. "I didn't know that. Could you give me a tour Yugao?"
"Certainly," the lavender haired woman replied. Kiba watched them both walk out.
"So, was I the only one who was surprised to find out the Iruka was an ANBU operative on temporary medical leave to teach at the academy?"
"Do you really think anybody but a senior ANBU team leader would have the patience to teach a bunch of snot-nosed brats?"
"Fair enough."
(:ii:)
"And ever since then that bitch has been stealing my lingerie!" Ino snarled as she downed another shot. "I'm almost out."
"To be fair," Sakura commented, "you did try to steal Anko's boyfriend." The glare she received told her that logic would not be useful in this conversation. "Look, you should know that I'm probably the last person who would normally suggest this, but maybe you should just have a threesome with them. It's probably the only way you're going to get Anko off your back." The fact that the blonde had brought this down on herself went unspoken.
"You've known me for how long and you think that I'd share?" Ino demanded.
"Good point," Sakura allowed.
"Besides, I don't even remotely swing that way," Ino added. That caught Sakura by surprise.
"Really?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" the blonde demanded.
"Well, you know, you were always the one who wanted to make out," Sakura pointed out.
"That was practice when we were kids!" Ino snapped.
"Well, you know, the groping was a little weird considering that guys don't have breasts," Sakura pointed out.
"Neither did you at that point," Ino shot back, "nor for a good long while after that."
"Looking for tips?" Sakura demanded, her eyes narrowing.
"I've never needed tips," Ino said, stretching her arms over her head languidly and pushing her breasts out for maximum affect. "I'm all natural." Sakura was about to snap something suitably acidic when a pair of hands slipped under Ino's up raised arms and latched onto her breasts.
"I can certainly confirm that," Anko stated. "Honk, honk Ino." Ino's eyes bulged and she swung an elbow down, but Anko was already out the door, cackling the whole way. The blond picked at her neckline and glanced down before letting out a war cry and leaping from her seat.
"Damn it Anko! That was my last sexy bra!" Sakura watched her oldest friend sprint out of the bar.
"You know," the bartender stated suddenly, "I really love my job." Sakura turned back to him with a raised eyebrow. "You can come out Anko." The purple haired woman popped up from behind the bar and appropriated Ino's abandoned drink. The bartender reached into his pocket and produced the pilfered underwear. "And, while I appreciate the sentiment, my wife probably wouldn't so please take this with you."
"Ah, fine," Anko replied before finishing the drink. "Later Daisuke!" Sakura sipped her drink and tried to think of a subtle way to say what was on her mind.
"I thought you were gay." Nailed it.
"Yeah, so did the owner when he hired me," Daisuke replied. "Bit of a shock for the poor guy. I'm sure he'd love to fire me and hire an actual gay bartender for this kunoichi bar and himself, but discrimination laws actually protect heterosexual males too so he'd need a reason and I haven't given him one since I'm the best bar tender in the elemental countries."
"Modest too," Sakura commented.
"I'm not the one saying it," Daisuke replied, jerking a thumb over his shoulder at the two decades worth of unbroken 'Best Bartender in the Elemental Countries' plaques on the wall behind the bar.
"So. . .you know everyone here thinks you're gay, right?" Sakura ventured.
"Sure," Daisuke replied.
"That doesn't bother you?" Sakura asked.
"Should it?"
"Hey Daisuke!" Both of them turned to see a blushing, busty chunin standing at the other end of the bar. "I think I found a lump on my breast. Could you check it for me?"
"I'm a bit busy," Daisuke replied. "I have a break in a few minutes. Can it wait?"
"Sure!" the chunin replied before returning to her giggling group of friends.
"So," Daisuke said, "you were saying something?"
"Nothing important," Sakura replied.
(:ii:)
Sakura stood silently atop the wall surrounding the Village Hidden in the Leaves and watched the delegation from the Village Hidden in the Springs disappear into the distance. Her quiet vigilance was shattered as Ino appeared next to her. "Where the hell are Naruto and Anko?"
"What?" Sakura asked blankly.
"I woke up with seals on my body that make my underwear explode!" Ino shrieked. "I give up! I'll fuck him in front of her. Hell, I'll fuck her in front of him. I don't care."
"Uh. . .Ino. . .that's not actually Naru. . ." She was cut off as Ino grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her hard.
"Where are they!" Sakura pointed and the blonde let out a wild demented laugh before hopping the wall and sprinting off. Sakura watched her disappear into the distance before Kiba appeared next to her.
"Have you seen Ino?" he asked.
"She just hopped the fence and chased after Anko."
"Did you tell her that that Naruto was actually the Nine Tailed Demon Fox?" Kiba asked.
"Didn't get a chance," Sakura replied. "I'm also not sure it would have mattered." They stood silently for a moment, staring off at the horizon.
"Well," Kiba began, "you can't say we didn't all warn her about chasing after Anko's boyfriend."
"Nope," Sakura agreed. She glanced at the man next to her. "Hey, you want to get something to eat?"
"Sure. My treat."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Woo. Long one. So, yeah. I'm a wee bit of a procrastinator. Chapters of this story were never held more than a week after they were finished. With the long gaps between chapters, that kind of shows that I wasn't able to work on this story as consistently as I wanted. Unfortunately that made it tricky for me to remember everything. As a consequence, some of the things I intended to be running jokes either turned into brick jokes or were forgotten completely. Ino was one of them.
So, also a small rant that may be inviting disaster. I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy of while ago and absolutely loved it. The only fault I could see was that their seventies and eighties soundtrack missed I need a Hero and You've Got the Touch.
Anyway, when Edgar Wright leaves Ant Man, Marvel springs into action to assure everyone that they didn't force Wright out because he was too artistic and an auteur. Their main argument was, "We absolutely don't try to stifle creativity! We love auteurs. Look at Guardians of the Galaxy. It's so original!"
Guardians of the Galaxy is a lot of great things. It's great entertainment. It's great fun. It absolutely is not original. There is not an original idea anywhere in the film and that is fine. Hell, it's great too!
Somewhere along the line, we've given value to originality. To me, that's pretty stupid. As a species, we've been doing fiction for a long time. If an idea hasn't entered the public conciseness yet, that's because it's a shitty idea. The real key is what you do with the ideas that already exist and/or the level of polish you manage to slap on them.
Maybe that's just me though.
P.S. Totally too drunk to proof read right now. I think I got all the they're and their, but I probably missed a few.
P.S.S. Happy Turkey!
P.S.S.S. So, doesn't forward to my email and hasn't for years apparently. If you have tried to contact me in those years. I'm sorry. For well wishers: thanks. For critical reviewers: thanks. For naysayers: fuck you. For everyone: DRINK!