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Omake Eight: Takumi? Takumi? TAKUUUUUUUUMI!
Naruto settled into his chair and kicked his feet up on his desk. It was good to be home. "And here you go!" He let out a squeal of pain as at least twenty pounds of paper work was dumped on his crotch.
"Damn it Yui!"
"Sooner it's started, sooner it's done," Yui stated cheerfully. Naruto dumped the papers out of his lap.
"You do know that Anko will kill you if you break this thing, right?"
"Oh, I'm sure I could cheer her up," Rumiko commented.
"One of these days I'm going to send you on a mission with Takumi," Naruto grumbled. When no reply was forthcoming, he glanced back and saw Rumiko's widened eyes. "What did you do?"
"Nothing," Rumiko said quickly. . .too quickly. Now, Naruto may not have acted his age much, but he had been a father and grandfather etc. once or twice.
"Rumiko."
"I'm sorry. . ." she trailed off and stared at him. "How did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"That tone of voice," Rumiko stated. "It was just like my dad."
"And mine," Yui added. "Please don't do that again. It's creepy."
"Where is Takumi?" Naruto asked.
"Well. . ."
(:ii:)
Naruto stared at the slug like creature on the floor of the village's most secure holding cell. "That is a lot of duct tape."
"Boss?" a weak voice whispered. "Is that you?"
"You're alive?" Naruto asked in shock.
"Of course he is," Rumiko grumbled. "I'm not that lucky."
"You okay Takumi?" Naruto asked.
"Yeah!" the slug rasped. "It's actually kind of cozy."
"You know, you've been in there for, like, six months, right?" Naruto asked.
"It's not so bad," Takumi stated. "I didn't have to pee after a day and I didn't have to poop after two."
"What about eating or drinking?" Naruto pressed.
"I don't even remember what being hungry or thirsty is like," Takumi replied.
"Oh. That's good. Well, Rumiko is going to unwrap you now. Isn't that nice?"
"Wait, I never. . ." Naruto silenced the woman with a look and pointed.
"Your mess, your clean up." Rumiko looked like she wanted to argue, but Naruto just stared at her.
"Damn it."
"You'll probably want a mask and some hand sanitized," Takumi added helpfully.
"Damn it!"
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. BAM! Brick joke mother fucker!
Omake Nine: Gettin' Hitched
"I now pronounce you man and wife!" the priest announced. "You may now kiss the bride." Naruto grinned and went in for the kiss as everyone cheered. He pulled back and the priest turned to the other couple at the altar. "And I now pronounce you husband and wi. . .uh, I mean husband. I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss your. . .husband?"
"Fuck it?" Naruto offered. Shogo and Yasu nodded.
"Alright," the priest replied gamely. "Fuck it! According to my God and this village, you two are hitched! Kiss!" They did and everyone cheered.
"Awe," Anko said happily.
"And that's all folks!" the priest announced as he produced a flask from his robes and toasted the new couples. "Let the real festivities commence. Liquor in the front and poker in the rear!" Naruto nodded his thanks and turned to the awaiting crowd. He was rudely interrupted as someone leapt screaming at him.
"For the honor of Earth!" Naruto caught the man's wrist and swung him around into the ground. The village watch swarmed, but Naruto dismissed them with a wave.
"Earth?" he parroted. He noticed a slip of paper and snatched it out of the man's pocket as he pinned him in place with a boot on his throat. Naruto opened the envelope and actually sniffled.
"What is it?" Anko asked. Overcome with emotion, Naruto just handed the letter to her. "Hey, thinking of you. Still wishing you were dead. P.S. Congratulations. Signed Nanbu." Her lower lip trembled and she sniffed. "You have the most awesome nemesis."
"I know," Naruto replied as he tried to covertly bat the tears from his eyes. "Anyway," he turned to the awaiting crowd, "that's it for the formal shit. Party!" There was a great cheer as everyone began ditching uncomfortable tuxes and ball gowns. "So, you want to break him?" Naruto asked, glancing down at the struggling man.
"That bitch can't break me!" the man declared.
"Awe. He thinks he's tough Anko," Naruto commented. The man's eyes widened.
"Anko?" he asked. "Mitarashi?"
"Uzumaki now," Anko stated happily as she snuggled against Naruto's side. "Hey Ibiki! One more double team? For old time's sake."
"It'd be my honor," the scarred man who had given away the bride stated. "Although, I think you two are supposed to have the first dance now."
"Ooooh, right!" Naruto replied as he dropped the henge to reveal his actual outfit of khaki cargo pants, a Hawaiian shirt and his coat.
"I forgot all about that!" Anko added. "Be a dear and help me with my zipper would you?"
"Of course honey," Naruto replied as he pulled down the zipper on the back of Anko's puffy white wedding dress. It fell away to reveal a much smaller, tighter black dress. "Now, music!"
(:ii:)
Naruto smiled as he watched his blushing bride drag away her latest victim. Something caught his attention and he turned to see an old, heavily scarred ninja chatting with two rather attractive young ladies. He couldn't figure out what had piqued his interest until he noticed the man's missing arm. "Hey Nanbu!" He made his way over and threw his arm around the man's shoulders. "I got your present!"
"My present?" the man asked. "I'm not sure what you mean Lord Yukikage."
"Lord Yuki. . .oh," Naruto replied. "Sorry, I thought you were this guy named Nanbu. He's the Tsuchikage."
"Never met him," the scarred man replied, "though he does sound like a classy fellow."
"Oh, he's awesome," Naruto stated. "I hope everyone will someday realize that."
"Now, if you'll excuse me, Lord Yukikage, I'm explaining to these two fine young ladies that age and treachery shall always overcome youth and enthusiasm."
"Sounds like an important argument," Naruto agreed solemnly. "Well, as the Yukikage and the groom, one of them anyway, I order all three of you to have fun."
"Oh, he will," one of the woman replied. "I'm not sure about either of us." Naruto knew when to make an exit and did so.
"Boss?"
"Yes?" Naruto asked as he turned to regard the village watch.
"We've received a somewhat suspicious present from the Tsuchikage," the woman stated. "We were hoping you could have a look."
"Isn't your job to keep suspicious packages away from me?" Naruto asked.
"Nope," the woman stated. "Our job is to enforce the laws, which do not include protecting you."
"Huh."
"Now quit stalling and go poke the potential bomb."
"I am not stalling!"
"No balls."
"I'll show you no balls!" Naruto snapped. It wasn't until he had the tastefully wrapped package in his hands that he realized he had been played. "Damn it." She was good. She definitely deserved a pay raise. After a moment of deliberation he tore open the package and smiled. "Hey Rumiko!" The dark haired woman detached herself from her sex slave and wondered over.
"What's up?"
"Look who I found!" Naruto announced, shoving the package under her nose.
"What are you. . .oh! Hey, I was wondering where you went!" She scooped the severed head out of the box. "Look, Nanbu ever reattached her jaw!"
"Wow," Naruto admitted. "They did a great job. You can't even tell that they had been separated."
"I shall name you. . .Shemp! I know just where you're going."
(:ii:)
"Oi," Nanbu grunted as he stretched his hand over his head and arched his back. It had taken some doing, but he had, of course, been victorious. He turned and promptly head butted the floor as he tripped over an ottoman that hadn't been there when he had turned off the lights. He shot to his feet and stared at the line of objects that had been set up between the hotel room's bed and its bathroom. "Those. . .little. . .God damned. . .damn you Fox!"
"Oooh, Master Nanbu," one of the women on his bed moaned. "Not yet. We need more time." Nanbu considered the two women he had picked up at the wedding.
"Alright," he stated. "I'm going to take a shower. I hope you two aren't defeated yet."
"Of course not," the other woman stated. "We just needed to catch our breaths. We'll finish you yet."
"Sure you will." Nanbu turned and promptly tripped over another piece of furniture. "So much hate," the growled into the floor. He climbed back to his feet and glanced back at his bedmates again. "Maybe not that much hate."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. BAM! Double brick joke mother fuckers! And the return of Hawaiian shirts. What? I like Hawaiian shirts. They're comfortable and stylish. Are too! Shut the fuck up! Also, here's an actual top secret tip from the military. Never yell: "no balls" at a former military folk. If you're military, that's the equivalent of jumping straight to triple dog dare. If you're civilian: that's the perfect turn about to make you a bitch.
Also, shout out to Ibskib for strait and straight. I'm trying. Really. Well. . .now I am. Thanks to you. In my defense. As I type this. I can't actually feel my head. So, if I keep fucking that up, please know, my head is currently too swimmy to fix it, but I saw your message and criticism and I thank you even as I try to type an acknowledgement and keep from hitting the shift button instead of the a button
Omake Ten: Honeymoonin
"Well?" Mei pressed.
"Well?" Kisame repeated as he lounged on his beach towel.
"Admit it," Mei ordered.
"I'm an ambassador, you can't tell me what to do," Kisame countered, glancing at the woman over the rims of his sunglasses. The look he received told him that, as his girlfriend, she could absolutely tell him what to do. "Fine. I missed the beaches." Like hell he was going to admit to missing his former country.
"It's a start," Mei said. "We'll work on the rest later."
"Drinks!" Kisame glanced to his other side in relief and saw Anko strolling up balancing a dozen tropical drinks with the easy skill that only accomplished ninja could pull off.
"Thanks." He took one of the drinks and sipped it to give himself time to think as Anko handed Mei her drink and collapsed on her own towel. "So," he began, "you do know that this isn't a nude beach, right Anko?"
"I am nude and on this beach. Therefore, this is a nude beach," the woman stated. "Besides, nobody sane likes tan lines."
"You can't argue with logic like that," Mei said cheerfully before ditching her bikini. For a moment Kisame considered protesting as he noticed the suddenly increased attention his girlfriend was getting. Instead there was a growing sense of pride.
"That's right fuckers. My girlfriend is the hottest woman on this beach!" Caught red handed, they all immediately turned away.
"You're so cute when you get possessive," Mei stated.
"My pride as a woman demands I retort, but I know it's a fool's errand," Anko said.
"You're so sweet!" Mei exclaimed as she hugged the other woman and immediately drew everyone's attention again. "So, where is your husband, anyway?"
"He went surfing with Maddy," Anko said simply.
"Oh." Kisame sipped his drink and thought about that for a moment. "Wait, what?"
"There they are!" Kisame turned and saw Naruto riding a wave in perched on the back of his defeated foe.
"Well." Kisame sipped his drink. "I got nothing. That's the not the strangest thing I've ever seen, but it's up there."
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Almost finished. I've only got one more of these planned. It should satisfy everyone who really wanted a sequel. Or it won't. One of the two.
So, stories. My job's kicking into summer mode, which means I swing out a couple of old work stories. I think I remember one of my favorites in my job titled: lifeguards, or raising other people's children against your will.
So, one time, my boss walks up to me.
-Boss: So, what's up with that?
-Jack: What?
-Boss: *points at ten kids lined up against the wall* The firing squad line up.
-Jack: Oh, them.
-Boss: Yeah, them. (this was a few years ago and she already knew me too well)
-Jack: Yeah, they were screaming and swinging at each other and I'm hung over.
-Boss: When did you tell them they could go back to playing?
-Jack: When I was tired.
-Boss: Okay kids! You can go back to playing, but if Mister Jack catches you again, I won't protect you.
-Jack: *after the kids walk (not run) off* So, I'm your boogeyman?
-Boss: The boogeyman is an intangible threat. Mister Jack is a very tangible, bearded, loud threat. One I am perfectly happy to use on my own child.
-Jack: I can live with that.
So, other than that. As I said; one more chapter of this. Also, my thirteenth anniversary on this site is coming up and I might just have something special planned. Maybe. If I'm sober enough to remember.
Hint: the dark lord potter kids might have something new to hate on. Heh.