A/N: Hey everyone! Well, Rick, Addie, and I sat down today and had a looonng discussion. Let me tell you, it was a grueling conversation with lots of yelling, but I think we made some progress. This chapter isn't exactly where I want it to be, but I think it serves the purpose I'm trying to achieve. So please read and review! I hope you enjoy!
Glenn and Maggie came out to relieve us around three and we went inside and made our pallets on the floor. It didn't take long for Daryl to fall asleep, his soft snoring the only sound in the house. I was exhausted and soon fell asleep too. The nightmares started that night. I woke up in a cold sweat, a scream in my throat as I bolted upright. I managed not to call out but my heart was beating so quickly it's a wonder everyone didn't hear it. Tears fell from my eyes and I curled into a ball, trying to hold myself together.
It had been so horrible, my worst fears played on the screen of my subconscious. I had seen Shane dying, him bleeding out, fear and pain evident in his brown eyes. He was crying out for me, begging me to help him and pleading with Rick not to do it. He was alone and afraid, wanting more than anything to be with me, wondering if I was safe and worrying about how I would cope without him. Even while he was dying, he was worrying about me. I woke up once his final, jagged, breath left his lungs and he cried out my name one last time.
I couldn't even begin to cope with that dream, there was just a numbness in my chest and I felt like I couldn't breathe correctly. I gulped in air as best I could and tried to keep my emotions in check. Before the dream, I'd blamed Rick for what happened, hated him with every bone in my body. But now? Now the blame was on me as well. Shane was scared and alone and I couldn't comfort him. If I had gone with him and Rick, maybe I could have stepped in and he'd still be alive. Maybe I had been blaming the wrong person all along. I'd abandoned him, something I swore I would never do. I looked down at the scars on my wrists and remembered how Shane had been there for me when I needed him and I didn't return the favor.
A strangled noise escaped my throat and I bit my lip to keep from waking nayone up. Daryl was moving and slung his arm out to where I had been lying beside him and I saw his brow furrow in confusion at the empty sheets. I quickly scrambled back over to lie beside him so he would stay asleep. It worked and I was left alone with my thoughts. The tears stopped, not enough to express the utter heartache I felt.
It was bad enough that we hadn't parted on good terms, but to have my dreams give life to the very things I'd tried to forget? That was too much. Not knowing what else to do, I rustled in my bag until I found my sketch book and a pencil. I immediately took comfort in the familiar objects and opened the book up to a blank page. I began drawing, feeling the tension flow out of my body with each pencil stroke. A few tears hit the page as I drew a picture from memory. A picture that had hung in this very house for years, Shane on his first day of college. Mom had insisted on taking dozens of pictures before finally letting him leave, and this was the one that made it on the wall.
He was leaning against the door, the suitcases all around him, smiling somewhat forced due to how long this was taking. At the last moment, he'd pulled me in and the picture took with me stumbling into the frame, pressed against his side, the goofiest look on my face, hair flying everywhere. Mom had laughed so hard I thought she was going to pass out, she was a photographer and normally hated candid shots, but she said that one was just too cute to pass up. Against all of my protests, it had earned a spot on the wall with the rest of our family pictures and always became a conversation starter when people came over. I felt a pang in my chest at all the photos that had been lost, but this one was so burned into my memory that I had no problem recreating it, down to the dimples on Shane's cheeks.
When I was done, I studied the page, seeing that moment captured forever brought a smile to my face. It was amazing how much better I felt after pouring my heart onto the page. I ran my hand over the picture, calling on the memory to keep me going before lying the book down and curling up to go back to sleep.
…
I woke up again with the sound of rain pounding on the rooftop. I sat up and stretched, trying to work out the cramps and stiffness. Everyone else was still sleeping soundly and I stood up, careful to not wake Daryl. I walked over to the window and peeked out of the slots between the wooden barricades to see the rain falling heavily, wind blowing, and lightning illuminating the sky. Maggie and Glenn were still outside, curled up on the porch trying to stay dry.
I hear footsteps on the stairs and turned around to see Rick walking into the room. I turned away and went back to looking out the window, definitely not wanting to deal with him so early in the morning. His presence brought last night's dream back to mind and I cringed at the image.
"Adeline," he spoke softly, walking to stand next to me. I didn't speak but didn't tell him to go away either. I call that progress. "We need to talk."
"I don't have anything to say," I told him firmly, wanting him to just go away.
"That's a first," he said and I spun to face him, this was no time for joking.
"What do you want?" I asked, deciding that if he wasn't going to go away, I might as well make this pass as quickly as possible.
"To talk. I need you to understand…"
"I'll never understand Rick," I told him immediately.
"Just hear me out, please," I sighed and nodded, grinding my teeth at what I knew was to come. "I loved Shane, he was my best friend. I miss him too, but he wasn't himself Adeline, he had changed. I know you saw it too, saw how reckless and irritable he was becoming. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him, but he gave me no choice, he was going to kill me. I had no choice," he spoke every word slowly and never broke eye contact with me. Anger bubbled inside me but I let him finish.
"Maybe Shane was changing, but he loved you too, and he wouldn't dream of hurting you. Ever," my voice was shaky as I questioned that statement but quickly shook the thought from my head.
"I wouldn't lie to you. I never have and never will. You're like a sister to me Ads, always have been and I understand you're angry, but I don't want you to hate me forever, especially now. We need each other, our survival depends on it," he said.
"No. No way. Shane…he wouldn't," but even as I said the words, doubt crept into my mind and anger radiated through me. "No! You're lying!" I screamed at him, trying to shake the doubt running through my brain. I shoved him and unlocked and yanked open the door, running off the porch and into the rain, letting it soak me and wash away those bad thoughts.
Maggie and Glenn looked startled but didn't move from there spot. I ran a hand through my now wet hair and tried to think through what had just happened. My initial gut instinct was to dismiss everything Rick said and be done with it. Then, there was another, smaller, part of me that wondered if there was truth in what he said.
My mind wandered to our last encounter without my permission. Shane had been so angry and bitter, he had hurt me, and that wasn't the Shane I knew. The kind, gentle, good-natured, Shane who loved me no matter what. Then, there was what Daryl had said back on the farm when they found Randall, that Shane had led Randall out there. I had dismissed that because I didn't believe that he wanted Randall dead badly enough to create such an elaborate scheme. But, what if Randall wasn't the target? What if it had been Rick? No. I shoved the thought away instantly, but I couldn't erase the confusion that lingered. For the first time since Shane died, I felt anger towards someone other than Rick, I was angry at him. He'd changed, he'd been the one who was causing so much tension in the group, trying to pull me away from Daryl who had been my lifeline through this situation, he'd left me alone. What kind of brother would do that?