A/N: So, while I am procrastinating studying for finals, I decided to get some writing done. Sorry I continuously drop off like this but things are just so busy right now. I am going to do my best to get some serious writing done once break starts. I love you guys and thank all of you for being patient with me.
Morning came again, the sun shining in through the bars on the windows. I sat up and stretched, looking over to where Daryl was still sleeping next to me. We had been doing the night watch for a few days and we were both exhausted. Sighing, I yanked on by boots and stood up, walking down the metal steps into the common area. Hershel was sitting down, holding the baby while Beth was fixing a bottle.
"Good morning, Adeline. How is your ear?" Hershel asked and my hand went up to clutch the ear in question. It still felt stuffed but my balance wasn't nearly as bad as it had been.
"It's fine," I answered easily before sitting down next to him and looking at the small baby in his arms. "How is she doing?"
"She's fine," he answered with a wry smirk and I glared at him jokingly. Beth came over and grabbed the baby, feeding her the bottle she had just prepared.
Maggie and Glenn were on watch outside the prison and Rick was off doing whatever he was doing to try and cope with his latest loss. I suddenly realized how thin our numbers were becoming. If Rick didn't let Axel and Oscar stay and become part of the group, we would be dangerously low on manpower. I heard boots on the metal stairs and looked up to see Daryl descending, eyes still heavy from sleep. From one of the cells emerged Carl who just kept staring at the floor. I gave him a sympathetic look before making my way over to Daryl and standing near him.
"You should have woken me up," he said as the others began digging around trying to scrounge up some type of food. Oscar and Axel entered the room tentatively, unsure whether or not they were welcome. Hershel beckoned them closer and tension eased so I turned back to Daryl.
"You needed your beauty sleep," I teased and he bumped my shoulder playfully. We all began to gather around the table to grab bowls full of the grain we had found in the cafeteria.
"It's not the best but at least it's warm," Beth said as she brought the pot over to the table, Judith resting in a laundry basket nearby. Maggie and Glenn came inside to eat.
After pouring my ration into a bowl and grabbing a spoon, I sat down on the stairs and started eating. Daryl came over and sat next to me but we ate in silence until one of the doors creaked open and Rick walked in. We all looked at him, waiting to see what he would do. Without even realizing it, I raised my hand up to my neck, feeling the bruises there from where Rick had grabbed me. Daryl gave me a questioning look which I ignored until he tugged down the collar of my jacket.
"What the hell happened Walsh?" He asked, alarm on his face. I tried to wave away his question but he wasn't going to let it go.
"It was an accident," I whispered to him. "Rick thought I was a walker and grabbed me." I shrugged but Daryl still looked angry.
"Those are bruises, Addie. That took force."
"I'm fine. I promise," I told him, touching his arm. Rick started speaking then so I turned my attention to him.
"Is everyone okay?" He asked, looking around the room, almost as if he was taking inventory. His eyes lingered on Oscar and Axel for a moment longer than the rest but he moved on.
"Yeah, we are," Maggie told him, taking another bite of food.
"What about you?" Hershel asked him. We were all worried about our leader and he still looked like he could snap at any moment.
"I cleared out the boiler block," he said, dodging the question effectively.
"How many were there?" Daryl asked him, momentarily forgetting about the bruises.
Rick shock his head, looking at the ground. He reminded me of an animal who was ready to bolt. "I don't know, a dozen, maybe two dozen. I have to get back. Just wanted to check on Carl," he said and I didn't fail to notice that he never even looked at his son who was staring intently at his bowl.
"Rick," Glenn said, standing up. "We can handle taking out the bodies. You don't have to."
"No, I do." He said firmly. He started walking over towards us and addressed Daryl. "Everyone have a gun and a knife?"
"Yeah," Daryl said, sounding a bit off as he looked at me through the corner of his eye. "We're running low on ammo, though."
"Maggie and me were planning on making a run this afternoon. Found a phone book with some places we can hit, look for bullets and formula," Glenn told him.
"We cleared out the generator room. Axel's gonna try to fix it in case of emergency. We're gonna sweep the lower levels as well.
"Good. Good," Rick mumbled and took off, practically running out of the door. Hershel called after him but all we got in response was heavy footsteps fading into the distance.
…
"Hey, Glenn," I called to him as we were cleaning up the dishes from breakfast. Axel was heading to the generator room and Carl was heading up to the roof to take watch. I was worried about him and I wanted to talk to him but I had more pressing matters at the moment. "You mind if I tag along with you and Maggie later?" I asked him. He looked a bit puzzled but he must have read something in my face because he didn't question my motives.
"Sure," he nodded. "We can always use another set of eyes." He put his hand on my shoulder and I gave him a grateful smile. "We leave in an hour."
Since I had some time, I decided to use it wisely. Walking up the staircase, I went out to the roof where Carl was sitting, staring through the scope of his gun. I just looked at him for a minute, trying to call to mind the way he was before all of this, so carefree and innocent. Now, the things he had seen and been forced to do had caused him to grow up faster than any of us could have imagined. Watching him, I couldn't help but think about Shane for a minute, and how all he had wanted to do was to protect him and Lori from this world. Now Lori was dead and Carl was the one who had put her down.
"Hey kiddo," I called around the lump growing in my throat, walking over to sit next to him. He didn't even look in my direction. I sighed and pursed my lips, trying to decide what to say. That's when I realized I had no idea what to say. I couldn't even begin to comprehend what he must be going through. When I lost my parents, I was devastated and that didn't compare to this.
"I killed her," he said after another minute of me sitting there like an idiot. He said it so matter-of-factly and devoid of all emotion that it startled me.
"You did what you had to do. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but you did what you had to do. It sucks, it really does and it's okay to be angry or sad," I started but he cut me off.
"I'm not," he said, finally looking at me and the vacant stare sent a chill down my spine.
Visibly taken aback I asked, "What?"
He sat the gun down and shifted to have his whole body pointed towards me. "I'm not angry or sad. I know it's what I had to do and I did it." I stared at him dumbfounded, at a complete loss for words.
"Carl," I began but he cut me off again
"It's okay Adeline. I'm okay. I'm not like you, I'm not going to cry and sulk. I'm going to move on and do my job and stay alive." His voice was strong and my mouth dropped open at his words.
"Listen to me, Carl, I cannot begin to imagine what that was like for you, but I know you well enough to know that you are hurting. She was your mom and you loved her and now she's gone. It may be easier to shove everything behind walls and not deal with it, but trust me, it will eventually come out and it could happen at a very bad time. You need to deal with this now, while we have time," I spoke from experience. Bottling up all of my feelings had led me to try and kill myself.
"I'm not going to try and kill myself like you." His words stung but I tried not to show it.
"That's not what I meant. I just meant that if those walls break down at the wrong time, it could get you killed."
"Like my dad?" He asked. "He's letting all of this take over him and he's cracking. He can't be a leader right now and it's hurting everyone. I don't want to be like that. I have to be strong. For the group, for my dad….and for the baby," he whispered the last one and I saw the first crack in his rough exterior.
"Oh kiddo, you don't have to carry this weight by yourself. Your dad is under a lot of stress right now but he's going to be okay. And as for you, we are all here for you and the baby right now, you are not alone. You need to grieve," I told him and I saw his shoulders begin to shake as he hung his head.
Without another word I wrapped him in my arms and let him cry, knowing this moment would stay between just the two of us.