Chapter ▪ Seven

Tris

Again he sleeps with his back turned on me. Now that I'm thinking about it, staying with Eric wasn't quite wise either. But I am still confused about what to do. I want Eric to love me and I want Four to forgive me — what is more important to me? I don't even know.

Carefully I reach out my hand, slowly letting it run down his arm to see if he is awake. I wonder what he is thinking about everything that happened so far. I move closer to his back and press my lips against it.

"You're still awake?" I hear him whispering as he turns his head to see me.

"I can't sleep." I answer and he turns around, so he has a better look on me. He looks tired. It's like I can already see the dark circles under his eyes. He will surely have them when he gets up. Then I reach out my hand once again, touching his cheek with the palm of my hand.

"What if ..." I begin, but hesitate. "What if Four won't talk to me again?"

"I don't care." he frowns at me. It is easy to see that he doesn't like talking about Four right now. But it doesn't stop me from trying again.

"But what if I won't pass initiation because of him? I mean, I —"

"That's not going to happen." he interrupts me, not whispering anymore. "Don't wake me for talking about that jerk."

I turn away, now laying on my back, and staring at the ceiling. I don't think Eric ever liked Four, and Four never liked him either, I guess. "I'm sorry."

Then I turn my back on him. It was wrong to stay. I should have followed Four, trying to apologize. I still care about him and about our relationship, after all. I don't want it to end just like this. Or at least, I think I owe him an apology and an explanation before he will tell me, that there will be no second chance for me. I don't want to think about it anymore. Not tonight.

I suddenly feel Eric's arm wrapping around my body. I think it makes me feel a little bit better. Or at least it distracts me from my thoughts for a second.

"Try to get some sleep." he whispers and kisses my cheek gently. I don't really know what it is between the two of us. We never really talked about it. Maybe if we would do, I wouldn't be so confused anymore — or it would just confuse me even more.

The next morning I wake up before him and take a shower. By the time I come back, he sits on the couch and ties his shoes. As I sit down he stands up.

"Come on." he demands calmly, not looking at me. I stay on the couch and wait for him to turn around. I don't want to go. Not yet. Not before he answered my question. It's that one question, that's been floating through my mind last night. I didn't see him rolling his eyes, but the little sound of annoyance he made, tells me that it was there. Then he turns around, but before he could say something, I speak quickly.

"You and me ..." I begin carefully. "What do you think about it?"

He shrugs and takes his time with answering my question. I hoped for something more sensitive, but at the same time I knew, that he is just as clueless as I am.

"You know, I ..." he hesitates as he looks down to the ground. Then he turns his head and looks to the door. "You're late."

That wasn't something I wanted to hear. I nod and walk out the door quickly.

After the training I sit at the table with Christina. I didn't spend much time with my friends the last few days and I told myself to change that. They will help me to get rid of these thoughts about Eric, Four and everything that happened. I take a look around and see Four sitting at another table on the other end of the dining room — I wish I could disappear, fade away or just be invicible. I'm ashamed for what I did to him.

"What are you thinking about, Tris? You look ... worried." I hear Christina's high voice pulling me out of my terrible thoughts. She smiles at me. At first I wanted to give her my usual answer: nothing. But before I open my mouth to speak I think about it. She is my best friend and I can talk to her, I guess.

"Can I ask you something?" I say quietly and lean forward. There are no people next to us. There isn't anybody, who could hear us talking, but I just want to make sure, that she is the only one to know about this mess.

"Sure, go ahead!" she nods, still smiling as she leans closer to me as well.

"No counterquestions, okay? You are just supposed to answer." I try to stay as serious as I can be. "Have you ever been in love ... with two guys at the same time?"

"No way, Tris!" her eyes widen and she suddenly wears a big grin. I have never seen it before on her face and it just looks weird. "Who —"

"I said no counterquestions!" I hiss at her, but she just keeps on grinning. I knew I should have asked someone else. Maybe I should have asked someone who isn't that close to me.

"This is so exciting! Please, Tris" she starts talking louder and louder and I see Four turning around to see us. "Tell me who are they? Come on, I'm your friend. You can trust me. I won't tell anyone else about it."

I know she wouldn't do it, and I do trust her. I could even tell her about Four and I know she would understand, but Eric. I imagine her face, how she looks at me when I mention his name. No, I can't do this. I can't tell her about Four either. He is our instructor, after all. If people would find out about us, they would think that this is my way into becoming a member of Dauntless.

"I will tell you the names another time, alright? Just tell me what would you do in such a situation?" I ask quietly and I notice that she calmed down a bit. Thank god.

"I need the details, Tris. No names, I got it. But did you have dates yet? Did anything special happen yet?"

"Well ..." I begin to think back when I was with Four. From when we had our first kiss to the last time we've slept together. And then I think about Eric and the way he looks at me when we are alone. I'm thinking about how I am able to make him change into another, more sensitive person. When we are alone, there is no brutal Dauntless leader, who likes to see people suffer. "Yes. I kissed both of them."

"Okay." she sighs and looks to the other side, then back to me. "Listen to what your heart tells you. I know this might sound soppy now, but I know it. Deep inside you know exactly what to do. Believe me."

Her words warm me up inside and it makes me smile, but it doesn't help at all. I'm disappointed for not getting the answer I wanted to hear. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe it was because she used to be Candor and I kind of expected her to have an honest solution to my problem. I was wrong. I still don't know how to handle this situation and it makes me want to cry and scream at the same time.

"Four!" I follow him up the stairs. I'm in no position to be ignoring him. He deserves an apology, an explenation. To my surprise he turns around and doesn't look as angry or annoyed as I expected him to be. "Four, we need to talk."

"I don't have much time." he shortly answers and I notice how disinterested he is.

"Look, I'm ..." I want to tell him, that I am sorry, but I can't. It suddenly feels so wrong. A simple sorry doesn't make it any better. It doesn't bring back the time before I did that mistake. It won't make him change his mind. "It wasn't supposed to —"

"I know, Tris." he interrupts me and I'm wondering what he is talking about. "I have thought about it."

"Really?" I ask, obviously surprised and curious about what he's got to say.

"Yes. I know what Eric tried to do. He wanted to show me what he is capable of. He wanted to show me, that he always wins. And if he wanted, he could take away what is most important to me. Without much effort. I won't blame you. He had always been like this and he will never change." Then he begins to laugh quietly. "If I would have another girlfriend now, he would do anything to get her on his side. Only to show me how much power he has."

"And you think he tried the same with me? Trying to get me away from you for such a stupid reason?"

"Of course. You know, jealousy can drive people insane. He doesn't know how to handle this feeling, that's why he does dumb shit like this. I wonder what took me so long to notice that. I mean, he tried it once with you. Remember? After you came back from the fence."

I do remember, but I don't want to. He is playing with me just to show Four how he is able to break his heart. Just because he is jealous. The thought of it makes me sad and I regret everything I did. I'm no longer confused. I know exactly to who I belong to. To someone, who truly loves me for the person I am. I look at Four.

"So ... what about us now?" I ask carefully.

"Well, I guess ..." he hesitates and looks up the stairs. I wonder what he is thinking about. He turns his head to look into my eyes again. "Promise me, that you will be honest. Did he actually make it that far? You know ..."

"No." I say quickly. Deep inside I hate myself for lying at him once again. "No, we didn't do that."

I shake my head, but I refuse to look at him. I feel my cheeks heating up and I know that I am blushing. Having sex with the one you love is one thing, but talking about it, being asked if you had sex with another person by the one who loves you is another. Before this situation is getting even more awkward I go on my tiptoes to press my lips against his.

Right now I can't even find the right words to describe how I'm feeling. I'm happy that Four actually talks to me again. I'm happy that everything worked out with him, exactly the way I wanted it. But I feel bad for building up another great lie. I can never be honest to him again.

And then there is something I feel toward Eric. No love, no happiness and especially no sympathy.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Did anyone expect this to happen? Ha! Well, thank you for reading this fanfic! I would be extremly happy if you could leave a nice review if you liked it. Thanks! And again, thank you for the last reviews I got. I swear, it is more fun with you guys leaving a nice feedback! THANKS!