Before we start this chapter I was stupidly slow with updating, I have a couple basic premises, idk. 1) Barba and Benson are always besties, at the very least and so he would know about her and Tucker from the very beginning, making this chapter set at least a couple months before the first one. 2) neither Fin nor Barba are used enough in the show and pairing them up is the easiest way to rectify that and I'm mad lazy and also 3) I'm not entirely convinced I'm not writing this with a crazy fever. And maybe 4)this is more like 1 and two thirds of a chapter but cutting it where I wanted seemed way too short so there may be later redrafting why am I even posting this now sorry 5) sorry
"You and Fin are a much weirder couple than me and Tucker." Olivia said, holding her hair up so Barba could fasten her necklace. He snorted in response.
"You say that, but you just called him 'Tucker again. You are allowed to call the guy you're dating by his first name, you know. Unless you like that? 'Ooh, Tucker, Sir'?" He raised the pitch of his voice in a deliberately poor imitation of her.
"You are such an ass. And it's totally the other way round." She smacked him lightly on the top of his head with her purse and winked exaggeratedly. He paused for a moment, flopping down on her bed, considering the scenario.
"That makes more sense than anything else I've ever heard. And it's a wonderful thought." He squeezed her hips flirtatiously, making her laugh.
"Hey, does Fin know you're thinking such 'wonderful' thoughts?" She asked, still giggling, holding up the half-empty champagne bottle in a silent question. He held out his empty glass and nodded his thanks.
"He's probably had them himself, come on. Probably had much worse ones."
"Hey, no, I doubt it." She dismissed the idea with a vague wave of her hand.
"I doubt anyone could see you in this dress and not have even one dirty, dirty thought about you." Barba said, turning her slightly to see her reflection in the mirror.
"That's true. I do look damn good. Ready to go?" She nudged his shoe-less foot. He held his hands up in protest and began rooting around for his shoes.
"Okay, I'm done. Do you think Tucker and Fin got dressed together like we did?" He asked with a laugh as he tied his shoe. Olivia choked on the last of the champagne in her glass.
"Dear god, that… I can't picture it." She laughed again as they left her bedroom and began to move on their quest to leave the apartment.
"I know right?" He said, attempting a joking tone but falling short. Olivia turned back to look at him.
"He is treating you okay, right? I love you both to pieces but I've known the guy too long to not know what a stubborn ass he is."
"Yeah. Yeah. He's just adjusting a little slowly, but I can wait. He's worth it."
"Aww, sappy, you old romantic you. Waiting until marriage, are you?" Liv joked, trying to boost the mood a little so she wouldn't be dragging a teary eyed Barba out all night.
"Oh no, we've had sex! That wasn't an obstacle at all, believe me. It's the other stuff, you know? Like, Ken still doesn't know. Fin introduced me as his colleague. Not even his friend!" Barba sounded more defeated than anything. Olivia didn't know how to reply, but maintained her policy of any words spoken in a soothing tone being better than nothing.
"Oh wow… Gotta be hard, he was so… Off to Ken, when he came out. It's got to be weird to turn around like 'hey maybe I was so upset because I'm denying a couple things'. Poor guy."
"Yeah, I get it, I do, I'm giving him all the time he needs. I'm trying to be so careful. I really don't want to screw this up."
"Hey, hey! You aren't going to screw up!"
"I told him I loved him earlier." He said, wincing a little at the memory as he handed her her coat.
"Well… Shit. How did that go?"
"His eyes went wide and he punched me in the shoulder and said 'Same, man'." They walked into Noah's room to say goodnight before they left him with the sitter.
"Could be a lot worse. And you are so going to look back on this and laugh. Isn't he, Noah?" Noah was already fast asleep, but he smiled a little, which cheered Barba up more than he cared to admit.
Instead, a dry "Haha." was his response.
"You don't need to stress so much, Rafi! He said 'same', that's pretty much poetry at this point. He wouldn't be waiting for you at the restaurant right now for our double date if he wasn't willing to pursue something. Now come on!" She shook his coat at him, and he took it only mostly begrudgingly.
"You sure I'm not just pressuring him into this?" He asked once more as she locked the apartment door behind them.
"He knows his own mind. He'd never have agreed to date you in even the most casual way if he wasn't sure about it. How that conversation ever went down, I'll never understand, but I'm so glad it did. You two just fit, at the end of the day."
/HOW THAT CONVERSATION WENT DOWN/
Barba had been sitting at the bar after being invited out with the squad, minus Liv. He'd not even considered being invited if she wasn't going, as she was always the one who invited him, but Rollins had done so without skipping a beat. He was intending to turn down the offer to pretend he had better things to do, but he was wired and it was a Friday night, and, most of all, he'd seen Fin look annoyed when Rollins had extended the invitation. And nothing was more satisfying than pissing someone off.
One by one the detectives split off to go home, until it got to the point where Fin excused himself to go to the bathroom only to return to find Barba the only one left. Barba didn't miss his quick glance to the door, could see the dozens of excuses he was thinking up to leave, all of which were silenced when Barba pushed a drink his way.
"Huh. Thought these young ones were meant to be hard partiers." Fin said gesturing at the empty seats by them – including one between them, where Amanda had been sitting.
"You know, I've finally figured you out." Barba said, sliding into that seat. Fin hesitated for all of one second before straightening up his posture.
"'Figured me out'? What's there to figure out?"
"Ooh, defensive already! To start, I've figured out why you don't like me." It is possible Barba was a little drunk. He would concede to having had a few drinks more than he should have, but maintains that he did not point right in Fin's face and definitely didn't poke his cheek.
"I like you well enough, Rafael, it's just..." Fin looked saddened by the idea of Barba thinking he hated him.
"It's just that I'm a little too effeminate for your tastes some times." Barba spat. Fin started protesting earnestly immediately.
"It's not that I'm a homophobe. My son's gay, you know. I love him like crazy!"
"But you still disapprove, and that's what I've figured out. You're in denial. Or you've just seriously misunderstood a whole side of yourself."
"Are you out of your damn mind? I'm not gay at all. I choose women, every time."
"Yessss, but it's the fact that you choose. Choose! There's no choice involved, you are who you are!"
"No, there's a choice! It just drives me crazy, that given either option you guys go for the other guy! Just make it easier on yourselves!"
"I go for both! Some go for one! This is my point though! The choice, the option, that's not a thing! Straight people like the opposite sex, they don't consider their own, and the other way around! You've just always thought that there's an option because you yourself like both!"
"I am way too shitfaced for this, Barba. I'm not having this bullshit conversation. 'Bisexuality' isn't a fucking thing. It isn't."
"Then why do you still want to kiss me, if you can just choose some woman?" At that moment Fin realised just how close together their faces had gotten. But he didn't move back.
"I don't want to kiss you."
"Now that! That's some bullshit. But I'm not forcing myself on you to prove a point to your stubborn ass." And with that, Barba stormed out, leaving a stunned, irritated Fin behind.
"Keep 'em coming."
The squad had been relying on having a nice Saturday off, but as luck would have it, they were called in bright and early.
"Wow, Fin, nice shades! Looks like someone had a good night!" Carisi called out as Fin entered the precinct. Rollins whistled at his haggard appearance.
"Jesus, Fin! You good to be here?" Liv asked from the doorway of her office. He moved his head minutely in what she understood as a nod – they really needed all hands on deck, or she would have sent him straight home. "Okay, this is a big one. Carisi, you go check in with the ME. Fin and Rollins, you wait here for Barba and fill him in when he gets here."
"Barba?" Fin said, trying to convey everything he meant in as few syllables as possible. Liv turned to Amanda for a translation, but she just raised her eyebrows and shrugged.
"Yes, Barba. You know, ADA, flashy dresser? You drink so much you forgot a whole person?"
"No… I said… Think I was an ass to him?"
"Ooh, lovers tiff?" Carisi joked as he breezed past on his way out.
"No!" Fin said, angrily slamming his fist onto the desk, stopping him in his tracks.
"Well… Places to be…" Carisi said slowly. Fin sighed, murmuring an apology. Carisi bowed awkwardly and made himself scarce.
Barba walked in barely a second later, deliberately avoiding eye contact with everyone as Rollins quickly summed up the case for him.
"Okay… Good job… I'll see you later." Rollins' eyebrows were up in her hairline at the lack of criticism, too shocked to immediately say anything as Barba turned effortlessly on his heel to walk out again before Liv stopped him and ushered him into her office.
Outside, Rollins turned to Fin.
"I don't know what you've done, but you need to fix it."
"I know, I know. I just…I don't remember much, but if I've done what I think…"
"I don't think I want to know."
"That's probably a smart move, 'Manda."
"Dear god, Rafi, what happened?"
"I'm not really sure, but I think I yelled at him that he was in love with me and then I kissed him."
"Oh my god. I didn't see this coming."
"Me neither! He's not in love with me! I'm not in love with him! Lord knows I find him insanely attractive, but that's it!"
"I think you'd better go apologise."
"And then I'd better go and ask for a transfer. I'm so sorry, Liv. Can't believe I let my dumb crush mess things up so much."
"Hey now, hey now, it might not be so bad. He was saying he'd been an ass to you too."
"I probably deserved it."
"Shush. Now, go face your fears, el toro."
When Barba left Liv's office, Fin was immediately at his side.
"Can we talk? In the cribs?"
Barba nodded, and followed him up.
"I'm sorry I kissed you!" they both said the second the door shut behind them. "No, I kissed you!"
"I don't really remember the finer details, but I know I said some mean things, and I definitely remember leaning in…" Fin said, taking off his sunglasses and rubbing his temples.
"I yelled at you, and I'm sorry for that." Barba felt sympathetic for how rough Fin looked, but stayed slightly hopeful that his tortured appearance meant something.
"Oh yeah… I remember that… What did I do? You just started pointing and yelling?" Fin said, pointing at Barba, moving closer. Barba instinctively stepped back so he was against the wall.
"I think I was trying to convince you that you were in love with me." He admitted, more to his shoes than to human ears.
"Oh." Fin replied in a small voice.
"Yeah."
"Shit. I'm not. I'm just working through something, I don't know. I'm not gay." Barba's eyes lit up in recognition, then dimmed a bit because he was reminded of why he was actually upset.
"I remember now! That's what you kept saying! We didn't kiss, because I wouldn't let you kiss me until you admitted you really want to." He insisted, sure of what he was saying now, even without his drunken Dutch courage.
"I want to, but I know I don't really. You know?" Fin said in the poorest explanation known to man. Barba shook his head.
"No, I don't know. I know I wanted to kiss you then, but hell, I've made out with Liv when drunk before." Still a little drunk, Barba cursed that little fact slipping out.
"So you don't want to kiss me now?" Fin sounded disappointed enough that Barba moved to look him directly in the eyes.
"I never said that."