Chapter 2.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Fosters.
Three weeks had passed since Jude clung to me, sobbing about the death of his brother. Two weeks and six days since I was released from the hospital. Three weeks in which neither of us have uttered more than a single word to anybody but each other. Two weeks since the funeral, in which a hysterical Mariana had to be restrained by Stef and Lena from climbing into the coffin with her other half, and I stood leaning heavily on a crutch with my arm wrapped around my boyfriend, desperately trying to provide him the silent comfort that only I could provide. One week since Mariana's birth mother, Anna, had decided she wanted to keep the baby.
But then one of my worst fears was realized. I found those things in Jude's bathroom garbage can.
I was spending the night for the first time since the whole shooting incident happened. I was excited and although he didn't show much outward emotion, I knew Jude was too.
We spent the whole day lounging around the house, watching movies, eating nasty microwave popcorn. Just enjoying the others company. At about 10:00 pm, Stef appeared at the entrance to the living room.
"Uh... boys, it's getting late. It's time for you both to get ready for bed." she said tiredly, her eyes sunken. You could tell she, like a lot of the Adams-Fosters, hadn't been sleeping very well.
Jude rose from his spot snuggled into my side, giving me a quick peck on the cheek.
"I'll go first. Don't want too many people crowding the bathroom again." he said nonchalantly before walking off up the stairs. I smiled a soft smile, before turning my head to look back at Lena. She was looking at me funny. I was suddenly nervous.
"Can I still trust you two to share a room without any funny business?" She asked, semi serious. My cheeks got very hot as I blushed. I rose from the couch and put my hands in the pockets of my pajama bottoms.
"We haven't done anything more than kiss."
She nodded. She walked up to me
"I trust you... and thank you for being there for him. He wouldn't have been able to make it through all this without you." Stef told me, and she put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. She offered me a small smile.
"I'll always be there for him, no matter who stands in my way."
I heard the bathroom door upstairs open and close, signaling that it was my turn to use the bathroom. I walked up the stairs and closed the door behind me. I picked up my tooth brush and squirted a bit of tooth paste onto it and began to brush my teeth. I hummed a tune under my breath as I did.
Then I smelt something.
It was the faint scent of copper.
Then I noticed it.
On the toilet seat, near the edge on the front, was a small drop of blood.
I grabbed a q-tip from the medicine cabinet and swiped it through the blood. It smeared, which meant it was fresh. My first reaction was that maybe Brandon cut himself shaving or something, but then I realized how stupid that was, because the blood was on the toilet, not the sink. Then I noticed that there were more drops on the plastic bag that was shoved inside the garbage can. I reached for the garbage can and upturned it, dumping its contents on the floor. I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't hear the sound I had been dreading.
But I heard it, and my heart sank.
The soft metallic ping I most dreaded to hear.
I sought it out with my eyes.
Among the rubbish, wrapped in a bloody square of tissue paper, was a razor blade.
"No..." I whispered. I picked up the blade and pocketed it.
Not Jude. He couldn't be doing that... could he? Anybody but Jude. Not my boyfriend.
I stood up shakily and turned and left the bathroom. I walked into the bedroom where Jude sat upright on his bed, playing Star Wars: Commanders on his tablet. I walked up beside him and looked at what he was doing. Or at least that's what I looked like I was doing. I was looking for something I hoped I would not find.
But I still found it.
On the inside of the sleeves of Jude's white long sleeve pajama top, were small lines of red bleeding through.
My knees buckled, and tears sprang to my eyes.
No...
NO...
NO...
NO...
"Jude we need to talk, put down the game for a minute please?" I whispered, and tears leaked from my eyes.
He looked up at me and offers me a small confused smile.
"What is it?" he asked.
I reached out and grabbed his hand. I caressed his hand with mine. I let go, and turned to stare out the window.
"You're cutting yourself aren't you?" I asked, phrasing it more as a statement than a question. I turned back to him and he was staring at me, the chocolate colored eyes I had grown to love so much clouded with fear and sadness.
"What are you talking about?" He asked quietly.
"Don't try to deny it Judicorn. Please." I begged him tearfully, withdrawing the razor blade from my pocket and showing him, "I found the razor in the garbage can, and there is still blood on the toilet seat. I can see blood leaking through the arms of your pajamas! Please don't lie to me."
I moved and sat next to him on the bed, and reached for his arm. I moved slowly and gently so I didn't frighten him.
"Let me see."
Tears were leaking from both of our eyes as he rolled up the sleeves on his left arm.
A strangled sob escaped my throat as I stared at the twenty or so small cuts on my boyfriend's porcelain skin, with blood smeared across them.
"Why? Why Jude?" I wheezed.
"It hurts so much." He whispered brokenly, crying softly. "At least this pain I can control. It dulls the other pain that I feel in m-my h-heart. The pain that won't go away."
"This isn't gonna help Jude." I tell him, "I know what it's like. To need some release. I was the same way when my parents got divorced."
I rolled up my right sleeve, revealing my own self inflicted scars. I only left them exposed for a second before covering them again.
"How did you deal with it, Con?" He asked. His voice was thick with the effort of holding back his tears.
"I had you, Jude. Every time I started to feel depressed, or felt like I had the urge, I texted you." I said to him, reaching up to caress his cheek. I leaned in and kissed his forehead. He fell into my embrace, and began to sob.
"I'm sorry Connor." he sobbed, "It j-j-just hurts, s-s-so m-much. First J-jesus, then the b-baby. What's next?"
"Don't be afraid to show it. Let it out Jude. I can't take away your grief, but I can share it."
Jude started to sob uncontrollably in my embrace. Loud, ear shattering sobs. I heard footsteps and I looked up to see the whole of the family standing at the door watching. Callie is the first one to notice the still exposed cuts. She covers her mouth and turns and flings herself into Brandon's arms. Mariana is the next to notice and she immediately, but quietly, points it out Stef and Lena. The entire family starts to realize the gravity of the situation and moves forward as one. I help Jude stand and the whole family wraps us in a hug. After ten minutes, they let go, and I slowly walk Jude back down the stairs to the living room. I sit him down on the couch, and go into the kitchen to fetch a washcloth. I turned the faucet on and soaked the cloth with warm water. I returned to him and gently scrubbed the blood from his arm, before wrapping him in my embrace again.
"This is one pain you don't have to endure alone, Jude. It's a shared grief." I said, my voice thick with tears, "You have a family that loves you. Use them. You have a boyfriend, who would march to the gates of hell at your command. Use me. Just promise me you won't hurt yourself again. Please?"
I placed a gentle kiss on his lips again. He looked me in the eyes and nodded.
"Okay. I promise."
Nobody needed to say anything more, as the whole family cried itself to sleep on floor of the living room.
This family was a close knit as a family could get.
They would always help one another. Comfort one another.
I would always be there for him.
Always.
And nothing was gonna stand in my way.