Important Edit: I've written a series of one shot "outtakes" that take place between chapters 12 and I strongly recommend checking those out under "Between the Lines."
Original A/N: Thank you to everyone who commented and gave feedback with the first chapter! I'm sorry this update took so long though. I've had a hectic few weeks with exams and classes and work, and so I've only been able to write a little bit here and there. That being said, I think this is going to be slightly longer than I first planned... so hopefully I'll have more to share with you soon.
Happiness begins to seep back into Morgana's life as she spends more time at the coffee shop. Uther's screams have less impact, and the emptiness left by Arthur's departure is less pronounced.
Yet, somehow, her nightmares grow along with her newfound friendship, striking not on rare occasions, but once, twice a week as soon as she allows herself to relax and drift off into deep sleep.
Medieval dungeons and chains overtake her mind, locking her into visions of misery and terror. She fights to escape into more pleasant dreamscapes, but manacles appear around her wrists and she gets no further than the tiny dungeon window to watch as loved ones are pulled away towards expertly constructed pyres. She sees Gwen succumb to grief and Arthur struggle to save her in vain, and through it all, she hears Uther's laughs.
Only after she watches everyone around her suffer and die does she find herself hurtling back towards consciousness. Night after night she wakes with her pulse racing and screams stuck at the back of her throat.
Night after night, she dresses and heads back downstairs to the coffee shop, pulling long-sleeved jumpers over unblemished wrists that still feel phantom pain.
Merlin never pushes her to talk about her dreams, never questions that she heads up after their midnight chats and returns hours later, no doubt looking the worse for her few hours of troubled sleep. He greets her with sad smiles and hot chocolate and is quick to leave his post to sit with her when no one else is around.
They build a routine, and Morgana finds the early morning hours she spends with Merlin to be more helpful than any past bouts of therapy.
But then Uther decides to solve his fiscal and family problems by allowing Gwen's father to take the fall for an impending scandal. He blames Tom Leodegrance for having embezzled millions of dollars by cheating hundreds of their investors of their savings. And then he disappears, leaving everyone alone to deal with the fallout.
Gwen takes off to be with her family, Arthur to find Uther, and Morgana finds herself alone defending Tom's innocence and denouncing her stepfather to the hounding media.
She's unforgiving in her remarks about Uther, but unable to take her anger directly out on him, she internalizes her rage.
The nightmares come on more quickly in the wake of the scandal, plaguing her almost nightly until sleep threatens to evade her altogether. The fourth consecutive night she reappears in the coffee shop within hours of going up to bed, she finds Gaius waiting for her instead of Merlin. She smiles at the sight of her old friend and moves to hug him in greeting as he steps out from behind the counter.
"It's good to see you, Gaius. How was your trip to Dublin?"
Gaius' yearly trip to Ireland to visit Merlin's mother had coincided with Uther's scandal, and Morgana had missed her friend's council.
"It was lovely." He hugs her tightly, and takes on a conspiratorial air as he steps away and adds, "Hunith was interested in hearing all about you."
Happy to have something more lighthearted to discuss, she smiles and looks away from Gaius' teasing gaze. "I wasn't aware that Hunith knew of my existence."
"Oh, she's well aware of it. It seems Merlin is able to speak of little else when he calls her, these days."
Having heard nothing but wonderful things about Merlin's mother, she's secretly pleased to hear it but shakes her head with a smile and says, "Poor Hunith."
Gaius chuckles and steps back towards the counter. "Can I offer you anything?"
"A hot chocolate would be wonderful."
Gaius nods and moves behind the espresso machines, and she reaches into her bag for a spare fiver to drop into the tip jar while he isn't looking.
"You know you can't keep going like this, Morgana."
She jumps, afraid Gaius is going to chastise her for paying when he's expressly told her not to, but he's still fixed on his task. Swallowing, she takes on a cheerful tone, and quips, "I thought you'd be happy I ordered something without any coffee in it."
"I am. Very happy. But that isn't what I meant."
The complete disappearance of joy from his tone makes her pause, and knowing the events of the past few days are on the tip of Gaius' tongue, she braces herself for the conversation that's to come. "Oh?"
"You're wearing yourself thin, Morgana."
She deflates at the expected words, even as defensive arguments rush to the surface of her mind. She takes a deep breath, reminding herself that Gaius only had her well being in mind, and struggles to find her words. "I -"
"I'm not saying you aren't welcome, my dear. You're welcome through these doors at any hour of the day or night. Merlin and I are here whenever you need us, but I'm worried about you. We're both worried about you."
She relaxes slightly at his words, but frowns at the we. "Has Merlin said something?"
"He hasn't had to. I heard about Uther and Albion while I was away."
Morgana nods once, swallowing as she looks away. "It's all over the news."
"It is, and I know you've been dealing with it alone."
"I haven't been alone… exactly."
"Arthur?"
She shakes her head. "He left to find Uther to try and get him to come back and face the consequences."
"Why am I not surprised?" Gaius asks, sighing at her brother's naive good intent.
"How could you be? Though, if anyone stands a chance with getting through to Uther, it's Arthur."
"That is very true."
Gaius nods and reaches for the milk steamer, drowning the room in a brief, consequent whoosh.
"Merlin says you've been in here every night this week."
"How do you know I haven't just been coming in to see Merlin?"
"Because then you would both look happier, and besides, you do that enough at other times of the day. He says you've been in here like this, at three or four in the morning instead of just your usual midnight visits."
She turns away, studying the frayed edge of the carpet at her feet, and debates bringing up the topic of her nightmares with Gaius. He was a doctor, after all, and though he hadn't been the one to treat her when she was a child, he was well acquainted with the problems she faced. Taking in a deep breath, she turns to him as he walks towards her, two mugs in hand, and decides to speak as she steps to lead the way towards their preferred chairs. "I've been having nightmares again."
Gaius frowns, placing the mugs on the worn coffee table before her. "Like the ones you had as a child?"
"They started out the same, but they've gotten worse over the past few weeks and much, much worse since the scandal broke. They're longer and far more vivid." She pauses, hesitating as Gaius' gaze darkens as she speaks, but then decides to add, "And they're far more violent."
Gaius settles into the chair across from her and asks, "Violent how?"
She shakes her head. "I'd rather not go into detail. Let it suffice to say I'd rather sit up for over half the night than risk returning to the visions."
"What do you think is causing them?"
She'd blamed the visions on her studies at first, on the hundreds of pages of research she does every week, even though the dreams are what sparked her interest in medieval literature and pushed her towards her specialty. There was no definite reason for them.
"The reason for the increase in dreams over the past week seems rather obvious with everything that's happened, but I don't understand why they started getting worse beforehand. Some of the scenarios…" She pauses, gathering the courage to say what she knows will sound ridiculous, "Some of the things I've seen lately played out with Uther. Symbolically, of course, but it scares me all the same, especially considering how much worse they've become. I know that sounds silly."
"No, my dear. The subconscious has a strange way of showing us the things we can't see for ourselves. I'm afraid I don't know what to tell you in this case though."
She nods, fidgeting with a loose thread on her sleeve. "This is such a mess, Gaius." Pulling her hand away, she reaches for the cup he'd placed in front of her. "The hot chocolate truly does help, though. Thank you."
"That's because it helps produce serotonin."
Morgana smiles, mouth closed, and wraps both hands around the warm china. "So you've said."
Gaius nods. "And Merlin?"
She quirks a brow and smirks, hoping to lighten the mood. "Does he help produce serotonin?"
Gaius sighs, shaking his head at his young friend. "Has he been helping?"
"He has. Far more so." She leans back, burrowing into the corner of her chair and draws her legs up onto the seat beside her. "It's odd, really. There's something about Merlin that makes it feel like I've known him forever." She pauses as the old man begins to smirk, and adds, "I'm sure that sounds even more ridiculous than the nightmares, but I don't know how else to explain it."
He shakes his head, chuckling as he reaches for his own drink. "It doesn't sound at all absurd. I remember thinking the same thing when I first met Alice."
Morgana's pulse speeds up as the implication behind his words hits her, and she forces herself not to blush as Gaius mentions his late wife.
"I'm glad he's been here for you, Morgana."
She nods, smiling as she fixates on the cup in her hands. "So am I. Now tell me more about Dublin."
The scandal drags on for weeks. Uther stays away, only releasing occasional press statements to play the role of the victim. Arthur continues to search for him, and then Gwen's father dies in a freak accident that Morgana knows in her gut is anything but. She's fed up with the entire situation, with the ruthless cruelty of the man she'd grown up with and the unimaginable pain he'd caused those she cared most about in the world.
She throws herself further into her studies and decides to finish her degree sooner than she'd planned, and even as she tells everyone she's fine, that she's coping with her world being torn apart, she feels herself wearing thin. The nightmares persist, and a constant burning sensation spreads from her brain through her entire body as exhaustion and anxiety overtake her.
"You need to sleep, Morgana."
She looks up from the lines of text that had blurred over as she'd gotten lost in her thoughts to find Merlin staring at her, brow creased and hand gently resting on her arm.
For once, Merlin isn't on shift. A new barista, Will, is working the counter, but they sit together at their tucked away table at one a.m. anyway, both facing looming deadlines and neither wanting to work in solitude.
"No." She shakes her head softly, trying to emphasize her point and wake herself up more in the process. "What I need to do is move."
His eyes widen as he looks visibly confused and points towards another table.
"No," she turns down his suggestion, biting back a smile even as nerves rush through her. "I mean I need to move out of the penthouse. Or I need to get rid of all of Uther's things and gut the place."
"Can you do that?"
"I can do whatever I want." She shrugs, capping the pen she'd been taking notes with minutes before. "He signed the company over to Arthur and the property over to me before he disappeared."
"That was considerate of him."
"Extremely." Her voice drips with sarcasm.
"He really isn't coming back, then."
Anger rushes through her at the thought, and the consequent rush of energy it brings turns to vehemence as she says, "No, and good riddance."
"What do we do then?"
The bitterness leaves as quickly as it had come on as she takes in Merlin's expression. She's confused by the we, by the complete lack of hesitation in his question, and her own voice comes out much softer when she asks, "What do you mean?"
"With your flat, with your family…"
"You'll help me?"
"Of course I'll help you, Morgana."
Their legs are nearly nestled together beneath the table, and he softly bumps his knee against hers. She gives in to her smile then, and it spreads across her face. "Thank you, Merlin. It means a lot to me. "
He smiles back at her, and then shuts the book in front of him and begins to reach for the rest of his things. "Come on, then."
"Where are we going?"
"We were both right earlier - you do need to sleep and you do need to move, and not just away from Uther… so we're going to go for a walk."
"So I can sleep?"
He nods, satisfied with himself. "It'll help you relax."
"It's the middle of the night."
He looks up from zipping his laptop into his bag, and eyes twinkle before the corners of his mouth can even begin to quirk upwards. "When has that ever stopped you before?"
"Well it's not like I go far when I come here, Merlin. I live in the same building."
"It'll be safe if we don't go too far."
She bursts out laughing at that. "I'm not worried about that. What do you have in mind, then?"
He shrugs. "Let's just see what we find."
They end up wandering for over an hour, marvelling at the stillness brought on by the late hour. Streetlights seem to flicker on wherever they decide to walk, and Morgana screws her eyes shut every time they do, telling herself they must have already been on but escaped her notice.
Merlin leads her down side streets she'd never noticed, and she takes him to a small courtyard garden near their building. Few people know it's there, and though it's meant to be private, Morgana knows where to find the key and lets them in through the gate.
A think layer of frost covers the ground, but the bench she favours in the summer rests uncovered, and she leads Merlin to it.
"You've never told me why you still live with Uther."
"Well why do you live with Gaius?"
Merlin lowers his eyes and mutters a dramatic, "tsk" as he shakes his head. "Deflecting questions with questions. So rude."
She shrugs and bumps his side as they settle onto the bench. Morgana shivers as she makes contact with the frozen, iron seat and wonders if she'd made the best decision in leading the way to the garden. "If you want me to answer, I want to hear your story first."
"Fine. Gaius is like a father to me and I needed somewhere affordable to live while I did my degree. And my mum wanted someone to keep an eye on him."
"He's not ill, is he?"
"No! But you know what a workaholic he can be. Mum wanted me to make sure he stopped working as hard."
"Is that why you monopolize the night shift, then?"
"Amongst other reasons." He brushes his hand against hers as he speaks, and she's thankful for the darkness as she feels warmth rush to her cheeks.
She tangles their fingers together, and not wanting to draw attention to the action, goes on with their conversation. "Well it's something like that for me, too."
"Uther wanted to open a twenty-four hour coffee shop and work through the night?"
She begins to give into a smile, but shakes her head instead. "Though I could see him opening an exclusive boys' club for his fellow bankers so they can smoke cigars and drink scotch through the night." Merlin chuckles and her voice softens as she continues, "No, though. My mum got sick when I was still a teenager. Arthur was the only family I had left, and she wanted me to look out for Uther. To stop him from doing something like this."
She pauses, wondering for the umpteenth time what her mother would have thought of the current situation, of Uther targeting their former friends. She takes in a shaky breath as the anger begins to mount in her, and Merlin tightens his grip on her hand.
"This isn't your fault, Morgana."
"I know." And she does. She doesn't blame herself for not stopping Uther, but she hates that she hadn't managed to come up with a way to throw off his plans before they'd taken an irredeemable turn, that she hadn't found a solution before her best friend had lost her own father. "I just can't stand by while he lets innocent people pay for his crimes with their lives."
"You've hardly been standing by."
"No," she agrees, calmly measuring her tone. "But I haven't done enough, either. He's still out there, and he's torn multiple families apart. I know there's something I'm not seeing."
Merlin nods, a serious expression on his face, as she turns to look at him. "I know what would help you see whatever it is."
She narrows his eyes, recognizing the look he gives her almost every night. "You're going to tell me to sleep, aren't you?"
"Maybe."
"You do know it's hypocritical to be so fixated on my sleeping when you're up through the night along with me?"
"Yes, but I sleep in the mornings. I know from Gaius and the others that you don't."
"I'm going to have to start going elsewhere for privacy's sake."
"You wouldn't dare."
She quirks her brow and lays her head against his shoulder, not realizing what she's done until Merlin relaxes against her. "Wouldn't I?"
"Nope," Merlin insists, his smile working its way into his voice. "No one makes your drinks as well as I do."
"I'm sure they could learn." Thinking of how flustered he used to get in her presence, she adds, "You did, in the end, despite all of the trouble you had at first."
He sniffs. "I did not have trouble."
Morgana smiles. "So you're ready to admit you messed them up on purpose?"
"Never."
"Well, then."
Squeezing their joint hands once, she stands up and lets go, carefully treading on the frozen ground.
"Where are you going?"
She looks over her shoulder and smirks at him. "Elsewhere." His face drops at her words, despite her playful tone, and she turns to face him fully before holding out her hand. "Are you coming?"