Chapter 4.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.

AN: I received two requests in the reviews. One was to do one from Jude's POV, and the other was to write one that explains a little more how Jesus died and why Jude eventually resorted to self harm. I decided to combine those two things into one chapter. This chapter fast forwards to Jude's fourteenth birthday.

Jude's POV:

Today is my fourteenth birthday, and as with all my days now, it begins with me laying in bed reminiscing.

It's no secret that I've been through a lot, in my short now-fourteen years of life. I think you'd have to be like the soldier from the movie Johnny Got His Gun not to notice that. When Callie and I went into the Foster System when I was six, after my dumbass father got my mother and somebody else killed while drunk driving, I remember Callie telling me over and over again.

"We'll be okay. Don't let this break you."

'Don't let this break me'. I would chant that in my mind when things got bad.

I chanted it when I was seven, when my foster father broke a beer bottle on my shoulder.

I chanted it when I was eight, when my foster mother threw me into a bathtub filled to the brim with boiling hot water.

I chanted it when Liam raped Callie.

I chanted it when I was twelve, when my foster father tried to beat me because he caught me wearing one of his ex wife's old dresses.

I chanted it when Connor started sending me mixed signals about his feelings for me.

I chanted it as I stared down Mr. Stevens in the hallway of the hospital

...And I chanted it when I heard about the accident. But for the first time ever it didn't work.

Flashback:

We were all sitting down at the dinner table, when we got the call.

Brandon was at his dad's, for his audition at Idyllwild. Only Callie and I were home with mom (Lena). I was texting Connor about something, I can't even remember what about. Probably about the dance competition. Everybody had been impressed by Mariana's virtual dancer.

The phone rang, and Lena jumped to answer it.

"Hello?" She answered.

Her whole demeanor changed, and I was the first to notice. She gripped the phone tighter, she stood up straighter, and her lips thinned.

"Stef? Calm down. What's wrong? What happened?" She asked tensely. Everybody was staring at her.

Her eyes widened. She gasped and dropped the phone. She stumbled backward as if she had been physically struck. I leapt up and ran to her.

"What happened?" I asked her. She snapped out of it...

And immediately became frantic.

"It's Jesus and Mariana. There was a car accident. We need to get to the hospital!" She lunged for her keys and nearly sprinted out the door, Callie and I following close behind her.

It only took us twenty minutes to reach the hospital, with mom driving like an absolute madwoman. We sprinted through the doors into the waiting room and were immediately intercepted by momma (Stef), who led us to an elevator.

When we got out of the elevator, we sat down in the chairs, and momma explained everything to us.

The car had been broadsided.

It had been hit where Jesus was sitting, and he was in surgery. This is the point where I started my mental chant. For the first time ever, it gave me no comfort, so I ceased.

Mariana was fine, except for a few cuts and bruises.

Anna was having labor pains, they had both been trying to help her.

I was the first to speak.

"Is Jesus gonna be alright?"

As if on cue, a very grave looking doctor appeared in the hallway and proceed to approach us. Stef and Lena rose as one and stepped towards him.

"How is he doctor?" Lena asked.

The doctor gave a sad sigh. My heart sunk into the deepest recesses of my stomach.

"There was nothing we could do. The damage was too severe. The force of the impact of the car had killed him. We tried to revive him, but it didn't work."

I was already on my feet, before he even finished the sentence.

I needed to get to Connor.

End Flashback.

The feelings I had been feeling in the weeks that followed were what led me to pick up that stupid razor blade for the first time. I had just wanted to feel something besides heartache, loss, sorrow, or grief. Even if what replaced it was physical pain, at least this was a pain that I was in control of, I told myself.

I became addicted to it.

I did it every time I was alone.

But I got careless, and Connor found one of my blades. Then the whole family found out as I finally allowed myself to break down in his arms. He had held me, cleaned the blood off of my arm, took care of me.

I can safely say that I wouldn't be alive without him.

I jump as I feel him shift and wake up next to me.

"Ugh. You awake?" he asked.

I reached over and smoothed his hair down, so it wasn't sticking up in a hundred different directions.

"Yeah, I'm awake."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." I tell him, "Just thinking."

"Happy Birthday, Judicorn." He said, before leaning in and kissing me on the cheek, "Care to share?"

"Just about everything that's happened." I tell him. He snuggles up to me, and we lay in silence for a few minutes. He starts playing with my hair.

"I had a dream about you last night." he said. "About the day we met."

I smiled at the memory.

"I'll never forget that day." He continued. "You were so nervous. You were this tiny, shy little thing, and when you couldn't figure out the math problem, you asked me for help on it. You were so polite, and soft spoken, that I couldn't help but smile at you. Even then I knew, that there was something about you. Something the other kids didn't have, something I needed in a friend."

"Did you ever think it would become this? I'm guessing, probably not." I said.

"What? Did I ever expect that I would end up falling so hopelessly, head over heels for you? That you would end up being my boyfriend? No, but it didn't take long for me to start crushing." He responded.

"When did you start having a crush on me?" I asked him. He thought about it for a moment.

"Remember when we were playing with the Ouija board in Mariana's room, and you used it to ask your mom if it was okay that Stef and Lena adopted you?" He asked. I nodded, "I think it was then I started to realize that my feelings for you might not be completely platonic. Because I remember feeling unbelievably jealous when Maddie asked you out. At first, I thought I was jealous that you had Maddie, but I realized later that I was jealous that she wanted you." "

"The moment I realized it for sure was when you kissed me in the tent." I told him, "I felt more in that one kiss, than anything else I had ever felt in my whole life. And every time I see you or am in the same room with you, I feel like everything is gonna be okay in the world. You gave me a reason to live, Connor. Without you, I wouldn't be here. You make me so happy. You shared my grief when Jesus died, you shared my pain and held my hand through my period of self harm, and now we share happiness with each other."

He leaned up and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips.

"I love you, Jude."

"I love you too, Connor. More than anything in the world."