A/N:A million thank yous to my best friend, again, for writing the Ygraine and Gorlois sections. She outdid herself with one bit, which you'll see when you get to it.

Thank you, also, to everyone for their feedback. We're pretty much at the middle-point now, and I'm excited to write the second half of the fic!

5 January, 1992

Uther knows. I had to tell him, I had to. I simply had to. Every time I hold Arthur, I can see her face. I have nightmares of Morgana growing up and killing me for having abandoned her. She doesn't let me sleep. Again. Again, again, she is the cause of my malaise! Uther is right. Having a conscience ruins a woman. I must have her back, where her father and I can watch over her and shape her properly. Then, I will sleep. I was afraid of his reaction but I guess he could not have resisted the sight go his lovely wife crying with their newborn child in her arms. I was worried for nothing. He is my slave as much as I am his. Morgana is going to be ours. We are going to be a family. We are going to be the most glorious family: me, Uther, Arthur, and Morgana. My Arthur cries and cries and cries, but when he met his sister for the first time, he was so quiet, looked so peaceful. Yes, we will have Morgana back. Things will go in the right direction. Gorlois will not want her once he knows she's not his. He will be devastated but he will not want her near him, I am sure. Then, maybe he will pack his things and leave the bank to Uther. How ridiculous that he decided to stay. Foolish. That's Gorlois, I guess. How did I not see this before? Weak, spineless. An avid little man who would not let go of Uther's rightful shares. He made him partner because of his soft heart. He felt sorry for the studious little mouse Gorlois used to be. He hasn't change much. In fact, if it hadn't been for his position, I might not have looked at him twice. I will have to try and curb my disgust for him when Morgana is here. The little elf loves Gorlois and it wouldn't help me to have another crying child under my roof.

Uther will take care of it for me. For us. Then, we will finally have our perfect life.

10 January, 1992

Apparently, I need to be patient. Not my strong suit. But contradicting Uther would not be smart right now. He agrees that we need to get Morgana, but apparently the moment is not right. I went to see her the other day. She was happy to see me, my little elf. When she saw me from her pink cradle, she shrieked and ran as fast as her little legs allowed her. Arthur's birth must have made me more sentimental because I found her to be a most remarkable child! She has a small heart-shaped face and big, green eyes, she smiles a lot and is very affectionate towards me, even though she sees little of me. I recounted the event to Uther who wasn't as impressed as I was. He's too taken with Arthur right now but I am certain that once he meets her, he will like her. Gorlois might be a good father to her, but he is not her father at all! I left her out of pity for him, but now I realise I made a huge mistake. Morgana is part me, part Uther, therefore she needs us. And I need her. I miss her every time of the day. She is the missing piece of my life. I want to hold my little boy and my little girl at the same time. My teary show touched Uther but after the shock of knowing Morgana is his, he became the cold and ruthless bureaucrat again. We need to wait, and strike at the right moment. In this way we will have Morgana and the bank all for us. He's right, of course, but I am tired of waiting. Gorlois is not my husband anymore and he's not Morgana's father, she should not be with him, God knows what influence he might have on her. More than a couple of years, and I could find a little girl afraid of her own shadow. I need to have her with me, to prepare her for the world.

But Uther is right. We have sacrificed too much to give up now. We will have Morgana sooner or later. And it will be permanent.

We will be happy and richer than anybody else in this city! Uther and I will be victorious.

16 March, 1997

Trouble, trouble, trouble! That man gave me nothing but trouble when we lived together. Now that he doesn't live at all, he keeps giving me trouble!

I have to think of everything. I have come to the reasonable conclusion that my Uther would be nothing without me. After all, who would Macbeth be without his Lady Macbeth? I know who Uther would be. He would be the lazy, spoiled little brat that sits on his leather chair waiting for his problems to go away. Lord, are men really all the same? I suppose Uther at least chose the right woman to save him. When it was all done, he thanked me and looked at me with such ardor as he rarely had before. Even with death so close to us, we couldn't help but be happy.

It is all over. The time came and we told Gorlois, and now he, the bane of our existence, is gone. Quite, quite dead. His poor heart couldn't take the news. Well. That's what Doctor Gaius said, and the uptight, renowned Gaius would not lie. Except, he would! For the right price, of course. Like everyone. Gaius will not talk, he knows what's best for him. Even without what we have, he would not talk, he is Uther's lackey, his little doctor, his little court fool. Sometimes I imagine that Uther and I are medieval monarchs, fighting against an ocean of troubles. Well, he won't trouble us anymore.

I can hear Morgana crying from her room. She hasn't stopped in two days. I had to sing to her and hold her like a little baby to make her sleep. Her shrieks bothered Uther. I couldn't just allow her to scream like a demon-child. I can't let my mask of grief slip and it's taking its toll on me.

Soon all of this will be over. Soon, it will all be buried and forgotten. I just need to be patient a little longer and then, then my king and I will have peace.

Morgana feels the world drop from under her as she reads. That her mother had played an active role in Gorlois's death is bad enough, but that Gaius, the one person she'd counted on through the years had as well is unthinkable.

A living, breathing pawn to her father, to her mother, to everyone who'd once shaped her world, she's too stunned to be angry, to feel anything but her heart pounding.

She lets the journal fall from her hands as she finishes the passage and curls up on her bed. She pulls her hands into the sleeves of the jumper she'd nicked from Merlin and tucks her feet under her, taking up as little room as possible, and allows numbness to take over.

It's almost forty minutes later when Merlin comes back. She hears the gravel crunch beneath the tires as he pulls up beside the cottage, hears the bell ring as Arthur or Gwen lets him in, and still she doesn't move.

She hasn't moved, hasn't done anything but replay the passages and feel the numbing anger build up within her, and she thinks she's going to crack when the door opens and Merlin makes his way into the room.

"Morgana?" he murmurs, no doubt thinking she'd fallen asleep.

She squeezes her eyes shut, steeling herself in preparation for what she needs to share with him, and doesn't answer, doesn't know what she can possibly say to make things okay again. Her parents, his uncle… Everything is so terribly mixed up that she wishes she'd left everything alone and never stumbled over the journals.

Merlin quietly makes his way to her side. She doesn't see his expression when he realizes that she's awake, but the angry tears she's held back form in her eyes when he picks up the journal and crouches down beside the bed.

It isn't fair that this has come to them now, when they could have been so happy, when they are.

"Hey," he whispers.

The sound of his voice both calms her and feeds her anger at the injustice of it all. She sniffs and gives him a wobbly smile. "Hi."

He holds up the journal. "That bad?"

She lets out a sordid laugh. "Worse than you could ever imagine."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I want to wipe my memory and forget I ever found them."

Merlin stares at her wordlessly, sadness seeping out his eyes before he's even heard about them. She sniffs and sits up to budge over. "Sit with me for a minute?"

"Of course."

He's beside her immediately, arm wrapped around her shoulders, and she tucks herself into him. The thought that she could lose him and everything they've had rips through her and she tightens her grip on the front of his jumper.

"I wish I didn't have to tell you what I read."

"You don't," Merlin says immediately and presses a kiss to the top of her head.

"I do, though," she objects, voice steady and resolute, and twists to look up at him. "It concerns you."

Merlin frowns. "How is that possible?"

"Indirectly, anyway."

"I still don't see…"

Morgana swallows and takes a deep breath. "Gaius is in one of the entries."

"No," Merlin breathes.

She reaches across him for the journal and opens it to the right page before handing it to him. "I'm sorry."

She scoots away from him to crawl off the bed and leave him to read on his own. She goes to stand by the window and settles onto the window seat. It's still cold, despite the early spring, and the glass is practically frozen to her touch. She presses her hand to it, allowing her anger to cool and wills herself to stay calm.

"This can't be right," Merlin mutters as he finishes reading.

"It has to be." Morgana shakes her head, turning to look back at him. His expression is drawn and he looks as horrified as she feels. "It fits with when he retired. He disappeared for years after my dad died."

"He was in Dublin with us."

"You don't think your mum knew?"

"No! Morgana!"

The horror in his expression intensifies, and she feels her pulse begins to gallop. "I'm sorry. I just –"

"My dad was sick. He stayed with us to help with him and after… This is just – Fuck."

"I'm sorry."

"Not you, Morgana." He groans.

She breathes slowly, relieved but still scared that things might take a turn for the worse.

"What do we do?"

Merlin shakes his head. "You don't want to hand these over, do you? I know you wanted to expose Uther's role in Gorlois's death..."

"Not like this! It was different when I thought only Uther was involved."

"There has to be more to the story."

"It doesn't change the fact that he's been lying to me for all of these years. It's been eighteen years, Merlin, and he's been my confidante for most of them. He's known all of this time and he never said anything."

"What was he supposed to say, Morgana? You were a child!"

"I'm not anymore, though! He knows what I've been going through. He knows what Uther has likely done. He could have spoken up over the last few weeks, if not the last few years! He could have gone to the authorities sooner."

"At what cost? The entry said they had something over him." He looks down and reads, "'he knows what's best for him'... 'even without what we have'! They must have had something over him."

"We don't know that."

"And we don't know that they didn't! I need to call him. He has to have an explanation."

"What if he doesn't?"

"He's my uncle, Morgana. He has to."

Morgana gives one short nod. "I'll just –" she says and gestures towards the door, rising. "I should try to talk to Arthur again. I know I said we'd leave in the morning, but I should at least give it another shot. Especially after this."

"He seemed calmer when I got back. I think Gwen had been talking to him."

"If anyone is going to get through to him, it's Gwen."

Merlin nods. "Are you going to tell him about this?"

"No. Not yet. I don't think 'Please forgive me. Our mother was a terrible person.' is the way to go just yet."

Arthur and Gwen are dishing up food in the kitchen when Morgana makes it downstairs. She cautiously peers into the room and catches Gwen's eye. Her best friend smiles and nods to her before meaningfully looking at Arthur, who has his back turned to both of them.

"We were wondering where you two got to," Gwen says, smilingly breaking the silence.

Morgana raises her eyebrow at her act, but then adopts it when Arthur turns around, visibly trying to act like nothing is wrong.

"Merlin should be a bit longer. He had to call home."

"Is everything okay?"

Morgana shrugs, and Gwen narrows her eyes at her before nodding and adding, "It was kind of him to get us dinner."

Morgana gives her a small smile and climbs onto a stool next to the island counter. "It's just the way he is," she explains, fidgeting and pulling her left hand into her sleeve. "He's good in a crisis."

"He's a good one, Morgana," Arthur says from across the room, nodding. "I'm surprised you chose so well."

Morgana raises her brow but is glad her brother is finally speaking to her. She knows it's difficult for him to apologize and knows this is his way of doing so, especially after he'd lashed out at Merlin earlier. "When have I ever chosen poorly?"

"When have you ever chosen at all, more like?"

"I've dated!"

Arthur snorts. "To annoy Uther. Alvarr and Valiant hardly count."

"What about Gwaine?"

Gwen bursts out laughing. "That was hardly serious."

Morgana smirks. "Fair enough."

"I mean it though. I like Merlin," Arthur insists.

"I'm glad," Morgana says and fidgets with her ring under the counter.

"It is serious, isn't it?" Gwen asks.

Morgana nods and gives them a small smile. "It is. Very serious." She wants to tell them, but the timing is hardly opportune when Merlin is upstairs, having what is likely an upsetting conversation because of her.

"I'm sorry, Morgana." She looks up to find Arthur's countenance changed. She hadn't expected an actual apology and is even more stunned when he continues, "I shouldn't have accused you. I never should have doubted you."

"And I should have been more careful. I'll always have your back, Arthur. Yours and Gwen's."

"I know."
Arthur steps across the room and envelopes her in a bear hug, and when he pulls away, Morgana punches him in the arm.

"Oi! What was that for?"

"For doubting me, you prat."

Arthur pouts, and Gwen shakes her head at both of them. "You're both ridiculous."

Morgana shrugs with a smirk. "It's a pity you're stuck with us."

"I'm just glad I have Merlin to keep me company now."

Morgana laughs. "You're in for a surprise if you think he's any less ridiculous than we are."

Despite their reconciliation, there is still a strain between her and Arthur and pretending that her mother's words aren't still ringing in her ears drains her. The strain pushes her to excuse herself, and Morgana is exhausted when she goes to check on Merlin soon thereafter.

He's sitting in the window seat when she pushes through the door, phone in his lap, looking far more sombre than when she'd left him.

She frowns and goes to sit beside him. "What did Gaius say?"

"He doesn't want to talk about it on the phone, but he promised that it was the last thing he wanted to do."

"That doesn't change the fact that he did it."

Merlin sighs. "He said he'll explain everything when he gets back from Dublin."

"That won't be for weeks."

"No, but what if we go there? You want to meet my mum, and we were talking about going for Easter. That's only ten days away."

Morgana nods. "Fine."

"That isn't all though, Morgana."

She frowns. "There can't possibly be more at this point."

"If only that were true." He points at the journal he'd placed on her desk and a sheet of paper that sits atop it. "That fell out when I went to put the journal back."

"What is it?"

"I only looked at the first few lines, but –" he stops, swallowing thickly. "I'm so sorry Morgana, but I think it's a suicide note from your father."

Dear Ygraine,

Before I go, I need to let you know.

The last years have been the most difficult of my life. I have loved you like I have never loved any other woman, and I thank you for the happiness you have gifted me. I don't begrudge you your love for Uther, I had always known I could never be enough for you. You have always been so vibrant, so full of life. I knew in my heart you could never be completely happy with me. But I have. I have been so happy with you that my agony now seems the just repayment for having been so deliriously happy. Some envious god is certainly punishing me because no human could ever be allowed to be as happy as I have been with you.

And then came Morgana. You might not have been there with me anymore but, for all these interminable years, my Morgana has been the flesh-and-blood proof that I have had you, even if only for a little while. She was my everything. She will always be my most precious love, my greatest love.

Now I know she is not my own blood, but she is still the shiver I feel on my skin whenever she screams 'Catch me, Papa!', and I wish more than anything I could always be there to catch her, to protect her from all the pain and injustices of life.

I have fought and I have lost.

Please, Ygraine, take care of my sweet Morgana. I now know how you must have suffered in leaving her behind as I must now do. She is the child of my heart. She always will be. And she too loves me dearly. The adjustment will be difficult – please don't be angry with her, please, don't let Uther be angry with her. Don't let anything hurt her. Keep her safe. Make her happy, make sure she will always be happy. For her sake if not for mine.

For me, I only ask you don't let her forget how much I love her, how much I would like for her to be with me always. But she has a father, and apparently it is not me.

I beg you, Ygraine. It is my only wish. Don't let her doubt for one single moment that she is loveable and that she will always be loved by me.

I wish you all the best, Ygraine.

Be happy, my dear.

Gorlois

Morgana starts crying before she makes it more than a few lines into the letter and is sobbing by the time she gets to the end of it. She didn't think her father's death could possibly hurt anymore than it already did, but the letter brings the raw pain she'd felt as a child back to her, and she feels as if her heart is being ripped out of her chest all over again.

She sits down on her bed, and Merlin wraps his arms around her. He holds her, gently tracing circles on her back and whispering well-meant words of comfort into her hair.

Her head pounds, but she can't bring herself to stop crying until it feels as if her lungs are on the verge of rupturing as she gasps for air. Merlin shifts them then, and lays her down on her side of the bed before lying down to face her.

Morgana eventually drifts off, tired out by her relentless tears, and only wakes when her phone begins to vibrate in her pocket. Merlin is asleep beside her, curved around her, and she frowns when she sees a message from Morgause pop up on the screen.

Call me. I meant what I said the other day. Xx

Morgana crawls out of bed with her phone and dials Morgause's number.

"Morgana, darling!"Morgause answers almost immediately.

"What do you want, Morgause?!" Morgana snaps, her voice still hoarse.

She shuts the door of her bedroom behind her and makes her way up the steps to the top floor, where all of the bedrooms are unoccupied.

"Can't I just call my friend?"

"No."

"Well I was just thinking about what you said about retracting Arthur's involvement and saying it was all a mistaken reading of the document. I think it can be done."

Morgana bites down on her lip. It's much too good to be true. "What do you want in exchange?"

"Why must you assume I want something?"

Morgana remains quiet, knowing it'll only be seconds until Morgause says what she wants.

"Fine. More information."

"I've given you all I'm willing to share."

"Oh I don't believe that. Not with Uther and Arthur in your family. I have no doubt you have tons more in hand."

"I'm not interested, Morgause."

"Hmm. Well I'd suggest you think about it because one way or another, the public is going to hear more. They're eating all of this up, and I'll be damned if I don't give them what they want."

"And how are you going to do that without lying?"

"Oh I don't need to lie. I have plenty of information ready. What's up to you is whether they get the information you choose or the information I have ready. Just think about it Morgana."

She hangs up before Morgana can reply, and her phone tings within seconds with a picture from Morgause. A bright blue folder filled with documents fills her screen, followed by a text.

I have all of that on Arthur alone, and I have no doubt I can find more. Choose wisely. Xx

What she has to do is clear. Quietly as she can, she packs her things. She sloppily folds her clothes and stacks her papers. The books go into her bag along with the portfolios of documents, and when she's done, she zips the bag shut and goes to rest on the side of the bed.

Merlin is in deep sleep, and she lets out the breath she's holding when he doesn't move as the mattress dips ever so slightly from her weight. He's laid out on his stomach, arm still resting where it had been on her pillow.

Holding her hair back, she leans forward and, gently brushing his hair out of his face, places a feather light kiss to his cheek. Tears form in her eyes as she does so, and she finds herself choking back silent sobs as she moves back to her desk and picks up the pen she'd left out beside the journal and scrawls,

I love you with every fibre of my being, and I always, always will,

but I can't ask you to go down with me.

I'm sorry. Forget me.

on a scrap of paper.

She places it on Merlin's bedside table and, giving in to the tears, slips the ring off her finger and leaves it on top of the note.

Picking up her bag and the journal, she slips out of the room and the cottage and drives back to the city.