They were lying naked on the dock, skins drying under the sunshine. She had her eyes closed in relaxation, but could feel when Castle's head turned and his gaze fell upon her, roaming lazily before settling on her face.
"I have a house in the Hamptons, you know."
She arched an eyebrow at the statement without opening her eyes.
"Is this information supposed to impress me?"
"Yes, but I figured it wouldn't," he huffed and she smirked as she listened to him shift beside her, rolling from his back to his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows. "The point I was actually going for was that I think you would like it there. It's right on the ocean with a secluded pool and miles of private property. Most relaxing place I can think of."
"Are you inviting me to the Hamptons with you?" she sighed, cracking an eye open to see his face only inches from hers.
He shrugged. "I was merely discussing one of my favorite personal vacation spots."
"You enjoy it more than the land you own on the moon?" she quipped with a lazy smile and his lips quirked to match before turning down instead.
"How did you…" His eyes shuttered closed before he lifted on his hands to rise from beside her. "Almost forgot, you know all about me," he mumbled, snatching his clothes from the wooden boards of the dock and stalking away from her.
Kate exhaled through her nose before sitting up to retrieve her clothing as well, slipping the sweatshirt on and stepping into her shorts before jogging after him.
"You have every right to resent me for it, but I only know what Gina told me and what the internet offered me," she explained as she settled into a quick pace to keep up with his long strides towards the cabin. "That doesn't mean I know the real you."
"But you do by now, don't you?" he sighed, stopping abruptly in front of her and turning just in time for her to smack into his chest.
She took a step back before his arms could rise around her, but his fists were clenched resolutely at his sides.
"What are you talking about?"
Rick raked a hand through his hair and diverted his eyes in the direction of the meadow they had spent a piece of the late morning by.
"I already trust you, when I really don't think I should, and I already feel like…" He shook his head, but she wasn't following him, not exactly, and she clutched softly at one of his wrists.
"Castle?"
"You said yourself that I put on an act for fans. I do for a lot of people, it comes with the job, but I don't feel that way with you," he admitted without looking at her.
She tilted her head to the side in confusion. "Why is that a bad thing?"
"Because you don't want me, Kate," he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, shaking off her hand from his wrist and laughing bitterly to himself, a sound that made her heart ache in a way it hadn't in a long while. "And I understand, I can even respect it, but I still want you and that makes this all the more difficult."
His eyes finally returned to her, the sad blue of the irises resting on her only for a moment before he turned to walk away, pulling his t-shirt on over his head as he followed the dirt path back into the woods.
Kate stood motionless for a second before jerking forward and tripping after him.
"Castle," she called, but he walked on without acknowledging her. "Rick-"
"Give me a second alone," he threw over his shoulder. "Don't worry, Agent Beckett, I won't go far."
Castle plopped down in the middle of the gorgeous meadow she had revealed to him only a couple of hours ago, plucked one of the small, purple flowers from the grass and twirled the dainty little plant between his thumb and forefinger.
He was such an idiot. They had been having a good day, a really good day, so much so that it had almost taken his mind off of the real reason they were here in the first place, and then he'd had to go and screw everything up with his damn feelings.
So what if she didn't intend to carry out any sort of relationship or involvement with him once this ordeal was over with? Had he not decided mere days ago that he was not fit for love anyway? He should be focusing on his daughter, planning to devote his life to her and his writing alone once he returned home, but the problem with this logic was that he already knew Kate Beckett would plague his thoughts long after he was back safely in a life of normality.
She would haunt his dreams and seep into his writing. He already had a new story, a new character, brewing in his mind – a smart, savvy undercover agent who could challenge Derrick Storm with her brains and fluster him with her beauty.
She felt different from other women, like she could be more than just a one night stand or temporary fling; she felt like she could last. She was fierce and passionate, but so alone. So broken and damaged and he didn't expect to heal her wounds, to fix her, but he longed to be there for her, to stand with her through the dark days, hold her through the harsh memories of her past as he had last night, and show her not everyone she cared about would leave in the form of death. He longed for the chance to love her. And maybe she could show him that there was someone who could want him for more than his money or his fame, that she could love him back for simply being himself.
They could be so good for each other, but she had made it clear that more would likely not be on the horizon for them. He wanted to accept it, he just didn't know how.
"I do a lot of acting myself," she said from behind him and he startled, not hearing her creep up on him. Though, he really shouldn't be surprised. She was an FBI agent who lived under the façade of an assassin after all.
Kate sat down next to him, crossing her legs beneath her and digging her elbows into her knees.
"Not with you though, not after you figured out who I really was."
"You didn't want me to figure it out," he mumbled, steadfastly keeping his eyes on the little flower still trapped between his fingertips.
He listened to her sigh long and heavy. "Maybe I did," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "I remembered you the moment I saw the photo Gina gave me. I knew there was a risk you would recognize me and I should have informed Rachel that I was compromised right away instead of getting on a plane to LA."
"So why didn't you?" he asked, sparing a sideways glance at her profile to see her face was cradled in her palms and her eyebrows were knit in frustration.
"I - I might have wanted to see you," she confessed, chewing on her lower lip and lifting her shoulder in a weak shrug. "And I thought I could protect you, which I was obviously wrong about."
He didn't want to reassure her, he wanted to be mad at her, but he was already softening from her admission of wanting to see him and he spoke before his brain to mouth filter could kick in.
"You're protecting me right now," he pointed out, but she scoffed.
"By having sex with you in a lake?"
"You… you were trying to make me feel better," he concluded, the words sour on his tongue, but Kate reached for him, placing her fingers on his cheek and turning his face towards her.
"Castle, every time we've slept together, it's because it's what I've wanted. Not just for your benefit," she informed him in a serious tone but with a small tug of a smile at the corner of her lips. "The night we first met, I - I did feel the connection you mentioned. I still feel it and I try not to want it, want you, but I do. So drop the unrequited feelings bullshit."
He growled and swatted her hand from his face, but she persisted, crawled into his lap and forced him to look at her.
"You want me to tell you that we have a chance at something real, and – and I want to tell you we do," she whispered the confession, keeping her gaze on the distraction of her fingers as they picked at the collar of his shirt. "But it scares me."
He stared at her in slight confusion, but cupped the cutting edge of her jaw in his hand, willed her to look at him. "Being with me?"
She hesitated, but nodded slowly. "Caring about you, dragging you into my lifestyle. I want you happy, Castle, and I want you safe. And you would never be safe with me."
Her words, her fears - they all made sense, they did, but he was so engrossed in the fact that she seemed to actually want him back. That her feelings could potentially be just as substantial as his. They had made it this far, survived the threat on his life and managed to find peace in one another despite the circumstances - could they really not continue to beat the odds together in the real world, outside the confines of a mission?
"That doesn't change how I feel about you, the fact that you can make me happy, Kate."
She looked up at him with desolate eyes that glittered with unexpected tears.
"Your daughter," she rasped. "Alexis comes first for you, as she should, and the fact that being with me could risk taking you away from her - I know what it feels like and I can't, Rick."
And oh, there was no argument he could even fathom using against that, against the pain she knew all too well and was striving to protect his daughter from. His chest was beginning to ache with the reality of her reasoning, the truth it held.
Kate moved to rise from his lap, but he slid his hands down the bow of her spine, coiled his arms around her back and held her tight against his chest even as she lowered her cheek to rest on his shoulder. No intent to leave him alone, not yet.
"Just enjoy the time we have for now, okay?" she whispered, combing her fingers through his hair, gently scraping his scalp with her nails, but he couldn't ignore the sorrow in her voice, the mourning that had already begun.
He tried to nod, but all he could manage was an unsteady jerk of his head. The flower that had remained crushed between his fingertips fluttered to the ground.
There had to be a way. There just had to be a way for her to be a part of his life.