I and Chloe entered our fave coffee shop, The Notes, where I left a note confessed how I felt for her long time ago, anonymously, in which I quote lyrics of Christina's song, Hurt:
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh, whoaWould you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh, oh, oh.
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Love Always and Forever, weirdo – 22Nov
– Is this yours? The handwriting cannot be mistaken!
– Ding ding!- Correct. You're the best, recognize my note over thousands of the others
– How on earth I forget my bitch's tattoo? I'm reading it! Heheh – She giggled and I rolled my eyes at that.
My heart hammered in my chest, as I followed her eyes on my paper
– Hey, who's that? Obviously you had a broken heart when you wrote this! – She was now really concerned
– Just a friend of mine who I met years ago, so it's weird to bring back the topic today.
A moment of silence passed by, and I thanked God for the fact she gave it up
– Is this Jesse? Benji? Or Martin? All of them are into you, and you seem too. Dude, they are hot, and with any of them, you guys look cute together – Truly, her curiosity is endless, unbearable endless, she voiced again
– You are weirdo!
– C'mon! You know you can tell me everything, right? So what happened back there?
– We had a little invisible wall that none of us willing to break. So there came a Cold War. We talked less and less. And someone accidentally came, and befriended with her. I knew at that point, I lost her, somehow. You know, whatever once lost, cannot be the same afterward.
– Her? I didn't know that you're into girl, Bec!
I just smirked
– Oh… – like the piece of info was being processed
– I wanted her back, so much. Like, it's hurt as fuck to see someone you love befriended with someone else, and fell in love with them. Like, seeing them together hurt, and it reminds me that I'd never have her. I'm only her friend, no more, play a small part in her life, on the other hand, she's like the whole world to me. Anything unrequited always sucks, I wish one day the smiles on her face were something that I brought , not that friend of us… Y'know, I'm quite a possessive bitch! – I winked and wore the infamous smirk on
– I'm so sorry about that. But it's sound so familiar… Is that… Are you mentioning us? I mean, like, you have crush on me?– Her words chunked, like the info was so hard to process
I didn't say anything, but looked back at my note, and can't help a sad smile
– That time, I wanted to talk to you. – She continued – But whenever I got near, you were with someone else, that's so annoying; so I remained silent. As if, you wanted to make me jealous! I had no one else to talk to, and she was the perfect company for me that time. Like, she is your friend, and mine too, she could understand.. You were like a porcupine to me, whenever I got near, your picky hairs kept me distant
– Oh c'mon. It's over, isn't it? We are perfectly good now! The invisible wall was broken down, wasn't it? Go back to your banana bread! It's saying "Bring me salvation, please" there – I mimic her favorite cartoon character's voice
She smiled but, yet, there was something in her eyes… Something unspoken – The look ingrained in my head since then
I had a dream of a punctured silhouette and a burning bright light in the behind. I woke up from that dream, knowing that the silhouette was her, and the holes were caused by my-porcupine-version, the bright light in the back was something that we left behind
– Fuck! – Tears poured down my face; I sweated all over because of the nightmare and yeah, the sudden thunder, thanked to which I was back to another nightmare of reality. That dream kept coming to me whenever I could not be able to handle, or control my emotion. That's when I let the flow of my emotions out, the thing that I was so afraid to show the world, even to face up…
If I ever told her how I fell again, it would end up the same way. Her eyes. The inner pain, I knew, scars that I'd brought inside her eyes. It's hurt, looking at her hurt even hurter – I couldn't stand her being hurt, especially when I was the reason. Isn't it ridiculous when the person you love the most is the main source of your pain? I couldn't make her feel that pain again; I got used to with it, but her, maybe no. We, from since, when the event in my dream took place, were cool. Things were well, like nothing ever happened.
It was just me, felt awkward, and super tensed whenever she was around. But I knew it better, I tried to keep my cool, my badass reputation, and drew her attention to something else, more interesting, maybe. That's why, for God's sake, this friendship cannot be ruined anymore. I'd rather have her as my friend than risk our friendship…
That's when I decided to let her go. It was so pathetic and unbelievable that one day I would speak this "When you love someone enough, you will be brave enough to set them free" – I put the picture of us in a box and neatly set it in my locker.