I feel like I owe you guys an explanation. Why I've been secluded from the rest.
I'm pretty sure everyone I know saw what happened, or at least saw the after-effects. They'll never say a word about it, but I can just tell. It's a look in their eye, a tremble in their voice. Most of them wouldn't blame me, but the thing is, I blame me. Frankly, just for existing.
It may piss me off, but Eren has every right to call me a mutt. I thrive on these insults. I don't like them, not at all. I guess they just kinda fuel me, show me where I stand.
Just about over a year ago, I did something terrible. Or rather, not me, but the other guy in my head. It doesn't even have the right to be called a 'guy'.
It's an It.
A monster, tucked away in at the back of my brain, taking over once a month.
Sasha tries to comfort me on that, telling me I'm not alone. Does it really matter, though? Does she really know what it's capable of? Sure, there are other people on campus with the same affliction, but they're not the one who shredded their best friend's skin and tore out his eye.
It's a mental image I'll never forget.
Even if I was unconscious when it happened, whatever the beast witnessed at that moment got imprinted into my mind. I could see, smell and taste the blood, all at the same time. That scream, that blood-curdling scream which rang in my ears and woke the whole dorm, alerting everyone of the horror that was occurring. The ache in my jaw as I bit through bone.
That's the bit that doesn't add up.
Professor Smith told me the only bone of Marco's I broke was one of his ribs, which must've been blunt force trauma. There's something nobody's told me about, but I'm not sure what it is.
So, there. That's why everyone's so afraid of me. I get the feeling Reiner had a first-hand experience of it, or he wouldn't avoid me so much.
People tell me Erwin was there, that he was the one who ended up restraining me. The difference between him and Reiner is that Erwin's had experience. He's a history professor who studies werewolves in his spare time. He knows how to handle these situations. It would only make sense that even if he was just as afraid as Marco, he'd put on a brave face and charge through it.
The most fascinating thing to me, though, is how he managed to do it with only one arm. My whole memory of that time is a little hazy, so I don't remember the exact day, plus I was put in confinement for a few days after the attack.
Some time before that confinement, Professor Erwin Smith was in a car accident. He lost his arm but dealt with it surprisingly well. Ever since, we've been consoling eachother out of lessons. He understands that what I've gone through is utter shit. He's not a trained counsellor, but he's the only peer in this damn university who seems to get what runs through a werewolf's mind as it destroys its prey, and how traumatic that can be for the human trapped inside.
Erwin doesn't ask for much in return, only that I shouldn't be blaming myself for what happened. The problem is, I just can't. My whole life I've grown up in a nice house, spoilt by my mother, and I've been transforming ever since I was a child. I feel like I should be able to control it, but it feels impossible. Every full moon it takes me by surprise.
Erwin said that other werewolves on campus get the same thing. If there are other people like me here, why won't anyone introduce them to me? Don't they realise how alone I feel?
I guess I should stop complaining so much. I mean, I guess there are some things I can laugh about. For instance, before the incident, everyone was much more laid back about what I am. That's a quick way of explaining why Eren's so quick to calling me dog-themed nicknames. I think he keeps a list of them, because every day he comes up with a new one. It all started when I first laid eyes on Mikasa.
There she was.
That beautiful, strong, black-haired woman. I wouldn't call myself a ladies man exactly, but I've met a fair amount of girls I'd make out with. None of them compared to her. Mikasa Ackerman.
Okay, so I tried chatting her up. She seemed... Disinterested, at most. In fact it was only when the look of disappointment on Eren's face morphed into a laugh that I realised how far I'd fucked up.
I'm not the best at controlling my ailment. That's just a fact. So, I should've prepared myself for the worst. In this case... I was flustered, alright? I'd never seen a woman quite so stunning as her. The air was hot and stuffy. I couldn't breathe properly. I could've collapsed on the spot but I'm just so damn headstrong, I just had to keep going.
And there it was. Before the eyes of everyone in the cafeteria, I had transformed. Way to go, Jean. You try flirting with one good-looking chick and you end up looking like a humanoid puppy.
Mikasa walked away without another word.
Eren laughed, a lot more than you'd expect, and called me a fucking chihuahua. Sasha nearly choked on her potato.
Connie screamed a little, which considering how I looked, seemed a little more appropriate than Eren's reaction.
Of course, I didn't look like a puppy, I was half a foot taller, covered in fur and had huge-ass claws, not to mention the fangs. Okay, yeah. It does sound a little dumb.
But just remember, that's the same thing that hurt Marco.
That whole deal with Mikasa is how I made friends with Marco. After Eren was done laughing his sorry ass off, Marco came over and told me not to think about it. I wasn't upset or angry or anything. It was just a little embarrassing to fail that hard in front of what may have been the prettiest girl I could've ever had a chance with. I couldn't believe what happened for a moment, either. Not because I'd transformed, but because of the way Marco dealt with it. A human with no real experience with supernatural forces would usually react the same way Connie did. But Marco... I guess he was just always more open-minded.
It kinda saddens me that the face he gave a pep talk to those years ago was the same face that ripped out his eye.
I feel like a traitor.
and would you look at that? Even the good things in life, the amusing mistakes I've made in the past, they all link back to me nearly killing a guy.
Aren't I just a great guy to have around?