Happy Tuesday! :) Hope everyone enjoys the ep tonight, I know I'm looking forward to it!
This chapter is by far the biggest one I have ever done. Not sure if that's good or bad. I thought about splitting it, but I seem to be very resistant to that idea. So have a huge whopping chapter. :)
Special thanks to all you awesome readers, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy it!
Special shout out to Guest reader, sorry I made you sad but I'm so so glad you liked it! Your review made me happy. *hugs*
Chapter 10
It took a full ten minutes for Barry to calm down enough for Joe to help him to his feet. Joe took in the healing cut on Barry's face, his emotional distress, and the fine layer of dust still clinging to him and started asking questions.
But the moment Barry calmed down seemed to be the moment he shut down. Joe could barely get him to talk, and he couldn't get any answers out of him. Barry wasn't making eye contact, he was almost mute, and Joe could feel him shutting up into himself. As a cop Joe had seen this reaction from people who had suffered traumatic events before, and it scared him to see it in Barry. It scared him a lot. Barry hadn't even been this bad fifteen years ago. At least then he had talked. He had told anyone and everyone that his father hadn't done it.
Finally Joe gave up on answers and helped Barry out of S.T.A.R. Labs to his car. He drove through the night, glancing at Barry every few seconds. Barry was staring out the window, taking in every building as if to be sure it really existed. He still had his suit and mask on, as if they lent him extra protection somehow.
Barry stayed silent until they entered the house. Joe took a moment to hang up his coat and turned to see Barry fixated on the walls. He had the same look on his face he'd had looking out on the city. Relief and devastation were mingled together. Joe approached him cautiously; like Barry was a sleepwalker he was wary of waking.
"Barry?" Barry's head snapped his way. Joe found himself the recipient of a bone-crunching hug. He gently returned it, and became aware that Barry's shoulders were again shaking with silent, dry, racking sobs.
Joe felt as helpless as he had fifteen years ago, when Barry had first entered his home after losing his mother. All he could think to do was get Barry to bed and hope he got a good night's sleep, since Barry seemed unwilling to talk about what had actually happened. He helped the young man up the stairs to his bedroom and helped him get his suit off and a clean t-shirt on to go with his boxers. Barry was unresisting as he lay down on the bed and let Joe cover him with the blankets. He suddenly looked small and young.
All Joe could see was that eleven-year-old boy who had just lost his mother. He sat on the edge of the bed.
"Do you want me to stay? I will if you want me to."
Barry was staring at the ceiling. "No. It's okay."
Joe felt like telling him it definitely was not okay, but he blocked the impulse. "Okay. I'll be in my room if you need me." He stood and turned to leave, but a choking sound turned him back. Barry was still staring at the ceiling, swallowing hard. Joe looked at him a moment, and when he got nothing in return he moved to the door. He left the door open halfway and was about to leave when Barry's voice stopped him.
"Close the door. Please."
Joe turned back to stare at him, and he didn't bother to hide the look of concern on his face. When Barry had first come to live with them he had never slept with the door shut. It made the room too dark, and Barry had taken comfort knowing Joe and Iris were nearby and just a call away if he needed them. Joe had long ago lost count of the number of nights he'd sat by Barry's bed until he'd fallen asleep, and then carefully left the door half open before heading for his own bed. Granted, Barry's habits had changed as he grew older, but tonight was so reminiscent of those first days that Joe found it truly alarming to have Barry make such a request. He stared at Barry a few moments, trying to decide what to do. Barry stared at the ceiling, completely removed. Finally Joe admitted defeat for the moment.
"Sure. Call me if you need me." He pulled the door closed slowly, hoping to hear Barry say something else.
But all he heard was the creaking of the hinges as the door closed.
Barry lay in the darkness, hands clasped tightly together on his belly. He stared at the ceiling, hoping the complete silence would shut down the memories in his mind. He didn't want to remember them. He didn't want to talk about them. He didn't want to reach for the hand that wasn't there.
He rolled on his side and faced the wall. His hands went around his chest, stuffed into his armpits so he didn't reach out into the emptiness. He was alone.
He was alone in the dark.
Once he had feared it. Now it was his punishment.
After a restless night Joe went to check on Barry and realized he had either slept very little or hadn't slept at all. It was seven a.m. when he knocked lightly and opened the door to find Barry sitting on the edge of his bed. Dark circles were forming under his eyes. His face looked angular and peaked. His suit was in his lap. He was just staring at something on his hood. Joe entered to get a better look. The mask and hood lay on Barry's lap, gaping open to reveal the inner components. Joe studied it and realized why it looked odd to him.
Inside the hood, next to one of the speakers that made up Cisco's comm. system, something new was added. It was a standard run of the mill bluetooth device. Joe's brow furrowed as he took it in.
"Has that always been there?"
Barry looked like he was surveying a dear friend that had passed on. "No. It hasn't." Barry's fingers wrapped around it and tugged. The fragile stitching holding it in place snapped, parting the bluetooth from the suit permanently. Barry held it gently in his hand and wrapped his long fingers around it in a caressing motion. His face spoke of a great loss.
Joe had at least a dozen questions he wanted to ask. But one thing being a detective had taught him was how to recognize when a witness was going to talk, and when they weren't. Barry wasn't. Joe looked him up and down, noting the circles under his eyes and the lackluster color on his face.
"When did you eat last?"
Barry looked up at him in surprise. "I-I don't know."
Joe nodded. "Time to eat."
"I'm not really hungry."
Joe put his foot down. "Not a request, Barry. Get dressed."
Barry followed orders and appeared downstairs fully dressed. Joe was tipping a frying pan full of scrambled eggs onto a plate already loaded with toast. Barry sat. Joe pushed the plate in front of him and sat down at his own. Barry looked at it and would have been amazed that he didn't want it, if he could actually feel anything.
Joe pointed his fork at Barry. "Eat it."
Barry ate it.
Barry was just finishing up when Joe's cell phone rang. It was Cisco.
"Hey! I've been trying Barry's cell phone but he's not answering. Were you guys here last night? The treadmill room is a mess! Where's Barry's suit? What the hell is going on?"
Joe looked at Barry quickly and decided he was in no shape to be dealing with anything today. "Yeah, that was us. Sorry. Barry wanted to show me a trick on the treadmill. Didn't work out so well. We should have cleaned up."
Cisco laughed. "Was it the running backwards on the treadmill trick? He's never been able to make that work."
Joe faked a chuckle. "Yeah, he still can't do it. But he looks kinda sick today. I think he should stay in bed and take a sick day."
There was a pause over the phone. "Really? Barry never gets sick. His metabolism usually burns through a cold in like an hour."
Joe was thinking fast. "Well, this one looks like a doozy so it might take a bit longer for him to work through. I'm telling him to stay in bed. The city can handle one day without the Flash."
Luckily, Cisco didn't seem overly concerned. "Okay, no problem. Hey run the suit to me if you get a chance, I was going to tweak a few things."
"Sure, no problem." Joe hung up. Barry had already moved to the couch and was staring at the walls again. "Barry." Barry managed to bring his focus to Joe. "I told them you're sick and I'm calling you in sick to work too. You need to get a handle on this. Anything you want to talk about?" Joe couldn't hide the concern on his face.
Barry's eyes shuttered over, and Joe knew the answer before Barry said it. "No. Nothing."
Joe shook his head slightly. "Fine. Take the day off. Feel better. I'll be back in time for dinner tonight." Barry was already nodding. Joe wasn't even sure how much he had even registered. He briefly thought about staying home as well, but figured it wasn't going to do either of them much good if he spent the day harassing the kid for answers. "I'm taking your suit to Cisco, he wants to mess with it as usual. Anything else on it that needs to come off before I do?"
Barry couldn't hide the shadow that crossed his face before he answered. "No."
"Okay then." Joe stood a moment, looking at him, before he put a hand on his shoulder. "It's gonna be okay, Bear. You'll get through this." He looked him in the face, trying to help Barry believe it.
Barry just wasn't sure he could. "Yeah. Okay."
Joe had barely stepped out the door to go to work when Barry pulled himself off the couch, climbed the stairs, and got back into bed. Fully clothed, he wrapped his arms around himself again and faced the wall.
Without meaning to, he drifted off. He woke himself up a few hours later yelling in his sleep. His pillow was wet and his heart was pounding. His hand was searching for one that wasn't there. He lay there for a long time, trying to shut his emotions down and slow his heart rate. The lump in his throat was becoming a permanent fixture. The weight that was bearing down on his chest would not go away. It felt hard to breathe. He spent the rest of the day on his side staring at the wall, watching the sun move across it.
Cisco spent his morning cleaning up styrofoam peanuts and grumbling about it.
"The least Barry could have done was let me watch too. I like a good trick. Super speed would make this so much easier." His mood improved somewhat as he finished, because Joe delivered Barry's suit. Cisco got busy putting it on the dummy so he could make some improvements to the mini-cam and comm. systems. But as he got it into place, he realized the suit looked very different from the last time he'd seen it.
"What the-?" He stared at it in disbelief. He walked a full circle around the dummy, shaking his head. "Oh, no way!"
He called Barry's cell, but got voice mail. Again. He left a message anyway. "Barry! What did you do to my suit?! It's my suit again, all 'our suit' privileges have been revoked! You better have a great explanation, dude!" He hung up, stewed a bit longer, and then called Joe.
Joe groaned when he saw who was calling. He moved away from the other cops in the station to get some privacy. "What now?"
"Dude, what the hell kind of trick was Barry doing last night? How did his suit get like this?"
Joe paused. Cisco was this upset over a fine layer of dust? He really was strict. "Like what?"
"Well, gee, where do I start? It's covered in dust, I see bits of mud, there's a puncture mark on the shoulder that I know wasn't there the last time I saw it, what looks like frost damage on the back, burn discoloration on one side, and I think I see traces of blood! So you tell me, man. What's going on? Was he out being the Flash without us?"
Joe's jaw dropped in surprise. He hadn't looked it over before he gave it to Cisco; he'd been too worried about Barry. He couldn't help glancing around to make sure no one was listening. "Okay, I'm not sure about everything that went down, but I know something happened and I can't get any answers out of Barry. Can you just do me a favor and keep this quiet? I don't want everyone knowing until I know what happened. Please, Cisco."
Cisco hesitated. He was keeping a lot of secrets for Joe lately. Finally he sighed in resignation. "Fine. I'll clean it up and repair it but I want answers." A thought struck. "He's not sick, is he? Is he okay? Should Caitlin look him over?"
"He's fine physically, as far as I can tell. But something happened and he's not talking. Just give me some time."
Cisco's brows knitted in concern, and this time it wasn't for his suit. "Okay. Is he going to be all right?"
Joe shrugged. "I hope so."
Cisco hung up and stood for a minute, mind racing. He had about twenty minutes before Caitlin and Dr. Wells were due to arrive. Cisco hated mysteries. His brain was already searching for answers. He looked the suit up and down, and then made his decision.
If he hurried he could get some samples before he got his suit back into perfect shape, and he could get most of it done before anyone else saw it.
When Joe got home that night he knew things weren't any better before he even entered the house. The house was dark. There were no lights on, no television flickering through the window, no sign that there was anyone in the house at all.
Joe juggled the pizzas he'd grabbed on the way home (pepperoni, olives and jalapenos, Barry's favorite) as he came in the door. He switched on lights and looked around. Not one thing had changed since he had left. Nothing moved, nothing different. He may as well have been living alone. He dropped the pizzas on the table and headed upstairs, pretty sure what he would find.
Sure enough, Barry's door was closed. Light from the hallway streamed in as Joe opened the door, enough to illuminate Barry's still form curled into a ball and facing the wall. Joe looked at him a moment, trying to decide if he was awake or asleep.
Barry provided the answer to that question. "I'm awake."
Joe decided to take that as a good sign. At least he said something. "Good. I have pizza. You should eat."
"I'm not really-"
"Barry, I know damn well you haven't eaten anything since breakfast. Come downstairs and eat dinner. Now."
It was a good thing Joe and Barry had such a good relationship, because it was the only thing that convinced Barry to obey. He rolled over and got up, standing for a moment like he was unsure what he should be doing. Joe stood in the doorway and pointed in the direction of the stairs. Barry went.
As they ate, Joe studied Barry and noted the circles under his eyes hadn't gone anywhere. Neither had the angles and pallor on his face. He sighed. Barry was too withdrawn to notice.
But he wasn't too withdrawn to notice his phone being slid across the table towards him. When it was next to his plate he looked at it a moment, then up at Joe.
Joe's face was full of understanding and determination. "Life isn't going to stop while you deal with this, Bear. I know you have some missed calls from Cisco on there and I'll bet you have at least some missed texts as well. Check them out. Get ready to face your day tomorrow. Your team isn't going to believe you're sick two days in a row, and Captain Singh really needs you back in the lab."
Barry's face said he'd rather walk on hot coals. But eventually he swallowed and nodded. He couldn't deny that Joe was right. Maybe it would help to get back into his life here. Maybe it would help him forget the other one.
He picked up his phone. Three missed calls from Cisco, one from Caitlin, one from Linda. Two texts from Linda asking about lunch tomorrow. He honestly couldn't decide if it was better or worse that there was nothing from Iris on it. He closed his eyes and blocked that thought immediately. He didn't even realize Joe was watching him closely from across the table as he listened to his messages.
Cisco's message could be heard loud and clear without even being put on speakerphone. Barry winced. He'd be hearing about this tomorrow. Joe caught his eye across the table, questions very clear on his face. Barry's eyes went back down to the table to avoid answering any. Joe heaved a long-suffering sigh but let it slide.
Caitlin's message was a list of questions about his condition, and if he felt like it he should come down and let her run a few tests since a sick Barry was a rare thing nowadays. Joe gave him a rueful smile across the table.
Linda was asking about possible plans for the weekend and promising not to make him eat food that was too spicy. She sounded light and happy, asking him to call her back. She really was a great girl.
But Barry couldn't contain the frown that crept over his face as he listened. She was a great girl. But she wasn't the right girl. He felt empty, like there was nothing left in him anymore. At least not for her. She deserved better.
Joe could see it etched on his face. When Barry looked up, Joe gave him a sad smile of understanding.
That night Barry slept fitfully, continually waking up after dreams of running from an explosion that sounded like his mother screaming, fighting himself instead of the Reverse Flash, trying to run while his father urgently yelled at him to hurry but not going anywhere. He was pretty sure he woke up yelling once. The sound echoed in the stillness. Laying flat on the bed made the weight on his chest feel heavier. He kept facing the wall with his hands wrapped around his chest. Finally he just gave up on sleep and stared into the darkness.
Down the hall, Joe also stared into darkness as he worried about Barry. It felt like the first days fifteen years ago all over again. He woke to Barry yelling, and waited to hear if he was needed. Silence followed. He peeked out his door. Barry's door remained firmly closed.
Both wondered how long it would be before anything would seem normal again.
It was a surreal feeling for Barry to walk into his lab the next morning. It was strange how a little over a week in the other timeline made this one seem so far away from reality. It was like returning to real life after a long vacation and having to find the old routine again. Barry stood under the skylight and stared at it for a few moments, reflecting on that night. He was less certain than ever that the lightning had chosen him.
Barry spent the rest of the morning lurking in his lab, avoiding people as much as possible. He did his best to appear his usual self when forced to socialize, but even then he had several people asking if he was okay. Since there wasn't a case to go out on that day, Barry spent an unusual amount of time cleaning and reorganizing. Then he headed to lunch before Joe or Eddie would be ready. He wasn't sure how he would handle seeing Eddie and Iris together, and he didn't want to chance it.
Besides, he had texted Linda and asked to see her on her lunch break.
He scouted the office before he went in, hoping to avoid Iris. Luckily she wasn't at her desk. He headed over to Linda's desk and could see she was just finishing up.
"Hey, Linda." He forced a smile.
"Hi! You feeling better?" She gave him a smile and moved to give him a kiss. He couldn't help himself and moved at the last minute so she ended up getting his cheek. A look of concern crossed her face, and she really looked at him for the first time.
"Are you feeling better? You don't look very good."
Barry sat down at the extra chair by her desk and waited for her to sit too. She did slowly, like she knew what was coming.
"Linda. You are such a great girl, but-"
"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" She was direct as always. She didn't look devastated, but she did look slightly annoyed. Barry gave her a helpless look, shrugging his shoulders.
"It's still Iris, isn't it? I knew you weren't over her."
Barry shook his head. "No. Well, kinda. It's complicated." He ran his hands over his face.
She waited for a better explanation.
"I'm- I'm so sorry. I just don't have anything left to give anyone anymore. I'm-empty." He couldn't find any better words for it.
She stared at him, and he was almost positive she was trying to figure out what had changed in such a short space of time. She wasn't the only one.
"Barry, what happened?" She looked truly concerned, as a friend and not the girl he'd just dumped. But he had no way to help her understand.
He shook his head and stood up, hoping to leave before Iris got back. His eye was already on the door. Linda grabbed his arm and caught his gaze. "Barry." She gave him another peck on the cheek. "I hope things get better for you. Really."
He nodded again, but gave her a genuine smile tinged with regret. He didn't enjoy hurting her. He headed out the door, back to the sanctuary of his lab.
Linda was still standing staring after him when Iris emerged from the back and noticed her.
"Hey, Linda. You waiting for Barry?" Iris gave her a smile.
Linda looked away from the door. "Nope. He just broke up with me."
Iris's face was unreadable for a moment, a strange mixture of relief and consolation. "Oh, I'm sorry. Did he say why? I thought things were going well with you two."
Linda was looking at Iris, her intelligent mind working. Finally she answered. "He didn't really say. All I know is that the Barry that came in to talk to me today is not the same one who ate a ghost pepper to get me to go out with him again."
Iris gave her a confused look. "What do you mean?"
Linda shook her head a bit. "He's different. Something happened to him. Haven't you seen him lately?"
"Not - not in the last few days." Iris unconsciously reached up to touch the ring around her neck.
Linda gave her a frank look. "If you're really his best friend, maybe you should." Linda headed to her desk, pulled out her purse, and left to find the hottest tacos within a three-mile radius.
Iris moved slowly to her desk and sat, her own mind racing.
After work Barry got up the courage to go to S.T.A.R. Labs. His team knew him better than most, and he knew he wouldn't be able to fake it easily with them. But he did his best.
Cisco was in the main lab when he entered. His suit was on its dummy, looking pristine again. Barry gave him a casual greeting and tried to look normal.
"Hey, Cisco."
Cisco jumped up the moment he realized Barry was there. He looked torn between anger and worry. Worry won out.
"Dude, what's going on? I've been worried about you!" He gave Barry a once-over, obviously checking for physical injury. When he found none, he stared into Barry's face. But that didn't help him be less worried.
Barry was just looking at him. He looked like he was reliving bad memories.
All Barry could do was compare him to the Cisco he'd met in the other timeline. All that did was make him want to hug Cisco until he popped, because he had their friendship and support back. He tried to smooth out the emotion on his face, but Cisco could see it anyway.
"Barry, seriously. What's going on?" Barry just shook his head, but clapped Cisco on the shoulder and gave him a small smile.
"Sorry we left the place a mess. And I'm really sorry about the suit. It couldn't be helped."
Mention of the suit got Cisco rolling again. "You need to be more careful. I can't be patching your suit every other day." Barry nodded dutifully. Cisco could hear Caitlin's heels clicking down the hallway and leaned closer. "And seriously, if you want to talk, I'm always here."
Barry swallowed hard and nodded again. He turned around in time to see Caitlin bearing down on him.
"There you are! You didn't feel up to coming down yesterday? That must have been a major virus. I need a blood sample, I'm curious to see what your metabolism's been doing to it. Are you okay? You still look a little under the weather, and that is really rare considering the way your body works now. Maybe I should do a few more tests…"
She broke off as Barry gave her a quick hug. Her face was understandably confused as he stepped away again. "Okay. You all right?"
Barry nodded, then spent the rest of the evening submitting to her mother hen tendencies. After the other timeline, he managed to be more patient with it. He even made up a few symptoms and blamed his lackluster appearance on the illness. Caitlin had plenty to work with and was happy.
Cisco gave him a sly grin behind her back. Barry cracked a small but genuine smile.
Dr. Wells wheeled in a short time later. He gave Barry a shrewd look of appraisal and decided he was physically fine. Barry's spirits had been raised slightly by then so it was easier to fake being his usual self. He still wasn't as talkative or outgoing as usual, but they seemed happy to blame his illness.
By late evening he begged off a patrol, saying he still needed a little more rest. Since things seemed to be quiet in the city his team didn't argue. Barry dodged another blood draw offered by Caitlin and headed home.
The moment he got out the door he could feel how drained he was. Once he was done faking it he realized how much it took out of him to do it. By the time he got home Joe was almost done with dinner and Barry didn't have it in him to pretend things were better. He was lucky Joe didn't expect it.
"Didn't see you much at work, or at lunch." Joe gave him a meaningful look over his plate as they ate.
Barry nodded. "I went to see Linda at lunch."
"And?" Joe thought he knew the answer already.
"We broke up."
Joe nodded. "Sorry to hear it. Anything you want to talk about?"
Barry shook his head in slow, measured strokes.
Joe sighed and gritted his teeth, gripping his fork tighter than necessary. But he let it go. Again.
After dinner Joe cleaned up. Barry drifted to the couch and sank down onto it. He wondered if he was going to get any sleep tonight. It was becoming a regular torture session to even attempt it. He couldn't immediately block the memories of lying with Iris on the blanket in the back yard, holding hands, so relaxed and happy. It seemed like a whole lifetime ago.
The weight on his chest began to press down again. He started pushing the memories down, trying to gain control. And he might have done it, if Iris hadn't walked in right then.
"Hello! Thought I'd drop in on you guys, haven't seen you in a few days!" Iris moved in with a smile, throwing a quick glance at Barry's back on the couch before hugging her father as he approached.
Barry had frozen, eyes closed, trying to shut things down so he could act even halfway normal. There was a reason he'd been avoiding Iris. She knew him better than anyone, and it was impossible to fake it with her.
Joe looked his way as he hugged his daughter, noting Barry's sudden stiffness. He smiled at Iris as he pulled back, attempting to defuse a possibly difficult interaction. There was no way he could think of a believable excuse to explain Barry's sudden changes to her.
Unfortunately, her focus was mainly on Barry. Linda's words had left her worried, and she had canceled plans with Eddie to come find out how true they were. She moved away from Joe to the back of the couch and put both hands on Barry's shoulders. "Hey, Bear, how are you?"
In the other timeline, Barry would have reached up to touch one of her hands and smiled up at her, hoping for a quick kiss. In this timeline, he would have smiled at her in a genuine way, held his hands together and allowed her touch, happy to get anything at all.
But this moment was neither of those. Memories of one were too fresh and painful when contrasted to the other. Barry was unable to act natural, because there was no natural anymore. Too much had changed, and he couldn't hide it. Having his eyes closed at the time just made it worse because he was completely unprepared. His reflexive action was pure, raw instinct. Unstoppable.
He flinched away from her touch.
The entire room froze. Iris was staring at him. Barry was staring at her. Even Joe was staring at the scene, a dishtowel hanging forgotten in one hand. The full horror of Barry's involuntary action dawned. He stood up with a jerky motion and faced them. Barry could see the hurt gathering in her eyes. Never, not once in all their years of knowing each other, not even after his mother had been killed, had Barry rejected her touch. Theirs had always been an easy and comfortable relationship, full of casual touching and contact.
Pure regret showed on his face as he stuttered. "I – I'm sorry." Joe and Iris watched in stunned silence as he headed straight for the door and escape. He disappeared through it and closed the door behind him.
"What- what…Dad, what the hell is going on?" Iris turned to her father for answers.
Joe shook his head helplessly. Even in the moments immediately after his return Barry hadn't shied away from physical touch. Whatever this was, it was about Iris. Joe had no answers, and he was glad he didn't have to lie this time when he replied.
"I don't know."
Iris grabbed her purse and left too, Joe presumed in pursuit of Barry. She'd never find him, he figured. Barry was probably miles away by now. He went back to doing dishes alone, thinking the entire time.
Barry had actually traveled less than a mile. In hindsight he wondered if he should have run to Starling City and back. But his instincts came into play, and they guided him to the nearby park. The one he had always run to when he needed to escape reality after his mother died.
The playground equipment was so much smaller than he remembered. But his favorite tree was still there. A tall maple that he could sit under, it stood just outside the periphery of the streetlamps. Low bushes encircled it, making it perfect for disappearing into once darkness fell. But he was a bit too big to actually fit into the bushes now. Barry sat in front of them and crossed his legs, bracing his arms across the tops of his knees. He stared sightlessly at the houses across the street, thinking.
Several weeks ago in this timeline he had told Iris he no longer had feelings like that for her. And he had almost been able to believe it. Almost. This had followed on the heels of her and Eddie heading off to meet Eddie's mother. Meeting someone's parents spoke of commitment. They were already living together. They were a committed couple. For the first time Barry had really realized it right then, and with it came another reality. That try as he might, he couldn't insert himself into that relationship. Even though he and Iris were best friends, they were eventually going to drift further apart because in a committed relationship the boyfriend or girlfriend would always take a higher precedence. That had hurt. Iris didn't love him as he loved her, and they would grow further apart as things naturally progressed. That was what had spurred Barry to even call Linda and ask her out in the first place. He had truly been trying to move on. So looking back, Barry realized what he had meant when he'd told Iris he didn't have feelings like that for her anymore was that he wished he didn't. Maintaining a now obviously futile hope that she would ever return his feelings had become too painful. He had been trying to end those feelings in order to end the pain.
But then he'd changed the past and created an all new timeline. And Iris had loved him and they were engaged. All of his dreams had been realized, and then taken away. And even though he knew this timeline was different, and even though he'd known what he was coming back to, he simply couldn't forget it. And now he hurt far worse after actually having it for such a short time. Having it and losing it was much more painful than pining after it and dreaming of it. He'd done nothing but make things so much more unbearable. And now he had hurt Iris too. He didn't know how to go back. But he couldn't end the pain either. He couldn't even wish he didn't have those feelings for her, because when they'd both felt them, it had been so right. Better than he had dreamed.
Of all the things wrong in the other timeline, Iris had felt right. He wished he could talk to his fiancée again. He missed her so much he ached.
"I knew I'd find you here."
His eyes snapped open. For one delirious moment, he thought he had somehow conjured her there. He couldn't stop the grin that split his face as he turned to her. He couldn't stop the way his eyes lit up.
But he also couldn't stop the way his face fell when he realized she wasn't his fiancée. She had followed him from the house and come looking for him. She wanted answers, and he had none to give. How could he tell her any of it? His Flash identity was a secret, but he also couldn't lay this at her feet. It would only pressure her and make things worse. She didn't deserve it.
He turned his face back to staring across the park. "I don't want to talk." But then he pressed his lips shut because it had come out far harsher than he'd intended, and he didn't want to hurt her again. It wasn't her fault.
Iris stared at him. She hadn't missed the way his face had changed, but she couldn't explain it. She looked at him, curled up with his arms wrapped around his knees staring at nothing. He reminded her so much of the months after his mother had died. He had talked then, but he had gone through quiet times too. Times when he just wanted to sit. But she hadn't wanted him to be alone and she knew he didn't want to be. So many times, in this park or at home, she had sat next to him in companionable silence and kept him company. No demands on him, nothing but support.
She wasn't sure why he was like this now, but she did know what he needed.
"Okay."
She moved over and sat within a few feet of him. She put down her purse and made herself comfortable, draping her jacket over her legs. Then she mirrored his position and sat in silence with him, keeping him company.
Barry knew exactly what she was doing because she'd done it so many times before. He couldn't suppress the gratitude that welled up. Usually Iris would be demanding answers right now, but she had deferred them to help him. She still knew him better than anyone. He tried to let her presence be a balm to help him feel better, like it always had, but thoughts of his fiancée kept intruding.
The agony of his situation increased the weight on his chest. He felt like he had when he'd realized the position he'd placed himself in after saving his mother. Now, even after undoing it, he'd still placed himself in yet another terrible position. Never had he considered the damage one could do by changing one single thing in the past. He felt like he had ruined everything in both timelines now.
He didn't realize tears were silently rolling down his cheeks, but Iris did. She glanced over and saw his face, and her next action was as involuntary as his had been.
"Barry…" She reached across the few feet between them, offering him her hand. She was careful to give him the option to take it or refuse. She didn't want to risk him flinching away again.
Barry hesitated for a moment because he wasn't sure he could handle such a strong reminder. But in the end his will crumbled. He reached for her hand and took it, holding fast. He didn't try to interlock their fingers; that was far too intimate an action for them now. But he wrapped his hand around her smaller one and let it be his lifeline.
They stayed that way for a long time.