Chapter designation - Alpha
-Insert thought provoking (?) saying/proverb here to fool you into thinking this fanfiction was written by an intelligent individual-
example; 'Women are like my right hand. Always sore when I need them the most' - durararaaa 5/25/2015
"Greetings friends!" The man raises his hand in a wave before leaning back on his throne-like chair.
"It's time for another session where I speak out about shit in fanfiction that no one else wants to because they think it'll make 'em look bad." He grins. "And yes I'm drunk again…I'm on vacation, it's raining outside and I can't go down to the beach, don't have good internet so I'll be wasting time writing."
"Now…why am I willing to speak out? You don't have to like me. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest."
"If I may…" A new voice chipped in. "I like you."
"Awww thank you." He smiles at the gorgeous figure of Sif who's sitting on the throne next to him with her chin resting on her hand. "Makes me feel warm all over despite knowing you're nothing but a figment of my fucked up imagination."
"I aim to please milord." She bows her head ever so slightly with a sultry grin upon her lips.
"And that you do milady…that you do." He turns back to the front. "So…onto business. Let me start off with reviews from our last escapade shall we? Mr. uhhh…." He glances at the paper that had appeared in his hand for a few moments before a clearing of the throat makes him look up.
"These should prove useful." Sif says, holding a pair of glasses.
"Of course! Thanks love." He pushes them onto his face before turning back to the list. "Soooo…mr. K-Kido (Is that pronounced as a stutter or are you a kido with a K…oo that's funny) A detachable penis? There is a fucking story about Harry Potter having a detachable penis that transforms into a bloody snake?" The color drains from his face while Sif wrinkles her nose.
"My thanks…I needed that." She muttered, the sarcasm was positively palpable.
He glances down the list, murmuring to himself before nodding and putting it away, turning back to the front. "Sooo…apart from that I feel I can summarize most of what you guys have touched on without picking 'em individually. That's how it's going to be by the way…" He points at the list.
"I'll pick out the most outlandish thing or whatever catches my eye the most in a review from someone I feel is worth sharing and I'll share here. I mean really, a fucking detachable penis? That's up there. So kudos to you mr. K-Kido, they say stories that people read show you part of their character. You read a story with a transforming penis soooo…" He smirks before shaking his head. "I kid…I kid…uhh…you see what I did there?"
Silence falls before Sif sighs audibly, hiding her face behind her hand making him deflate.
"Yeah, fine. Whatever. On with this thing." He clears his throat. "I have two things I want to touch upon today. First…if you would direct your attention to this screen that's going to appear in 3…2…1…"
Screen appears with a badly drawn female and a male looking at each other with hearts flying around their heads and two white clouds positioned directly above each person that appears to be shaking hands. (clouds = souls in my world)
"Soul bonds." He proclaims dramatically.
"Soul bonds?" Sif questions, a confused look on her face.
"Aye, soul bonds."
…
…
"Well…do I get an explanation?" She asks, folding her arms and watching him with a frown.
"What? Oh…I thought you hadn't heard me right." She huffs but he ploughs on. "Well, theory is, a girl and a boy fall in love 'cuz their souls were meant for each other. A.k.a, they are 'destined' to be together. Bit corny if you ask me."
"Says the man writing a long fluff piece called 'His Angel'." She smirks.
"Eh…I know it's a tad sweet but it's not that bad."
"If you say so milord." She says, the smile never leaving her face.
"Come ooooon….it's not bad." He whines, seemingly forgetting about his audience as he looks pitifully at the goddess beside him.
"It's not." She agrees.
"You're just saying that.."
"No I'm not! I find it rather endearing."
"Liar." She sighs before leaning in and placing a light kiss on his cheek making him freeze.
"Uh…" He coughs while she smirks triumphantly. "Yeah…okay…that works…uhh.." He clears his throat, attempting to recompose himself. "So…like I was saying. Soul bonds. Stupid. Don't do that shit. Thanks."
He looks up before sighing. "Why? Well…alright, connected by soul they may be but the two people do not know each other alright? You can't use a soul bond as an excuse to have them going at it like rabbits in heat hours after they meet. You don't need a fucking soul bond to shag a man or woman like half an hour after you meet 'em…you just need alcohol (quantity depends on how shitty you look), a night club and protection (if your partner is seduced by alcohol and is willing to have sex with you just hours after meeting you, chances are they carry something you don't want)."
"Night club?" Sif asks in confusion.
"A disgusting place where orgies take place." He blinks. "Hey! That rhymes!"
"Ah."
"Moving on." He raises a finger. "Second point on soul bonds. IT'S ONE FUCKING SOUL THAT'S ATTRACTED TO ANOTHER. YOU CANNOT HAVE ONE SOUL CONNECT TO MORE THAN ONE. 2 IS ALREADY STRETCHING IT BUT I'VE SEEN STORIES THAT HAVE ONE SOUL CONNECT TO LIKE 8 OTHERS."
"Why all caps? Because fuck you." He finishes, rubbing his hands together while Sif looks disapprovingly at him.
"What's next on the agenda?" He asks, breaking off for a moment to glance at Sif who's peering at the list, her lips pursed slightly."
"How about terrible fanfiction clichés?"
"Which one…" He sighs. "There's too many to count."
"How about Hermione Granger being the literal goddess of HP fanfiction?"
"Nah...I'd be flogging a dead horse." He mutters. "Most of my readers already know I hate that woman. Hermione mind you…not Emma Watson aite?" He suddenly looks up. "I feel people do not understand the distinction here. Hermione Granger is an ugly nerd in the Harry Potter world that is not fun to be around." He clicks his snaps his fingers and a bushy haired witch appears, bound to a chair rather securely. "See?"
"I'm not ugly you crazy son of a-" She starts screaming shrilly before he snaps his fingers again, a gagging her.
"See? Ugly and irritating. But I digress…" He snaps his fingers a third time and this time a group of house elves appear, all sporting evil little grins and carrying kitchen knives. "Troops! You may dispose of her."
"Of course sir!" One yells with a respectful salute.
"With pleasure!" Another declares.
"Down with SPEW!" Another one screams before they all run at the frightened witch who'd just managed to get rid of the gag. He turns back to the front looking supremely unconcerned by the bloodcurling screams and the sounds of stabbing right behind him while Sif merely looked on in amusement, twirling a strand of hair under her finger. "God that feels good…I should start killing her in every chapter from now on…but back to what I was saying…That…" He points behind him at the bloody mess on the floor. "Was Hermione Granger…I don't like her.
"Now this..." He snaps his fingers and an attractive brunette (I hope she's a brunette...last I checked I remember she was) appears (you all know her) "Is Emma Watson, the actress who plays Hermione Granger in films that grew up to be a knockout. Good job growing up by the way…" He adds, turning his attention to the astonished woman. "Your genes have been working overtime."
"Uhh…thanks?" She looks around with a bewildered expression on her face. "Who are you and where the hell am I?"
"Nothing to worry about lass, you won't remember a thing tomorrow morning, bye bye." Another snap and she's gone. "See? Learn to see the difference and you'd see this my way. When I say Hermione I never mean Emma Watson. And besides…poking fun at real people is not my thing…especially if they're pretty."
"Huh…" Sif's smile had become a little threatening. "You think she's pretty?"
"Which one?" Her eyes narrowed making him backtrack, his arms raised in defeat.
"Fine…pretty? Yes. More than you? Never." He answers meekly. She turns away with a satisfied expression. "Great, even in my imagination I manage to recreate some aspects of my ex." He adds under his breath.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Fine…so…in that case…OH! Before I forget…what the hell is up with 'Mione? Like…who the hell came up with that? 'Mione?! It's so dam cringeworthy…almost up there with Sirius calling Harry a fucking 'cub'. Yeesh…"
"Moving on…how abouuuuut the whole lord of everything, sex god, richest man in the world Potter stories?"
"Ugh…really? Do I have to?"
"It's your choice is it not?" She counters making him blink.
"Right. So I do want to." He grins triumphantly while she heaves an exasperated sigh. "Right, so back to this. I can understand a power fantasy. I do. I'm a male. My wildest dreams involve cars, money, the ability to do a Kamehameha wave and this one right here." He points at her while she merely dips her head in acknowledgment.
"But you need it to be believable. I mean I know fanfiction is based on sci-fi, fantasy and whatever-the-fuck's-up-there knows how many genres more of books that exist in the world but even they have rules in place in order to prevent the characters from dominating all competition. Why? Winning all the time takes the fun out of it."
"You get the stories where the Potter lad is the lord of everything that's good and holy, women dying to become his slave or something and him having enough power to level mountains…where is the story? What's the point of the story?"
"And don't let me get started on how obnoxious the dam wanker gets. The dude grew up in less than humble conditions. You don't inherit a whole wad of money and turn into an arsehole that likes the smell of his own farts and wants everyone to call him 'Lord Potter'. Oh…it will happen with time…but NOT OVERNIGHT."
He pants slightly while Sif taps his shoulder. "Psst, sex god?"
"Right! That as well! No matter how much money you have you DON'T suddenly become the god of sex aite? Take this from me, your first time with a woman? Pray to whatever you believe in that she hasn't done it before as well…otherwise you will end up disappointing the poor lass."
"No amount of porn prepares you for it. Please don't think you'll be like how idiots portray the sex-god-Potter in stories like this where he can entertain multiple women at once in a single night. I'm willing to bet my left nut that the people who write those kinds of stories are exclusively of the virgin kind…not that it's bad or anything…to be one I mean…" He pauses. "Not an insult, but you probably shouldn't write about things you do not know about…or have no experience in. Porn does not count as experience nor research."
"Anything else?" He turns to Sif who shakes her head slowly.
"There are but we've been here long enough."
"Really?"
"Yes." She gets up before stretching widely, a delicious smirk on her face as she approaches him. "You know…I do not wear anything underneath my armor anymore."
"uhhh..." He gazes at her, everything else forgotten.
"Good answer." She smiles before leaning down to place her lips next to his ear and whispers something that makes his face go slack before he turns his attention up for just a brief moment.
"Adios amigos."
Disclaimer: No soul bonds were made in the making of this story (?).
Emma Watson was not harmed in the making of this story.
Lady Sif (Jaime Alexander) is not real. She's just the author's perverted fantasy. Hey! Who told you to put that?! You did dingbat Well…at least I'm honest about it Yeah, I'll give you that Why am I talking to myself though? I don't know Oh wait, I'm just that interesting Your ego knows no bounds Stop! You'll make me blush ITS NOT A COMPLIMENT YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I TAKE PRIDE IN BEING AN ARSE ALRIGHT? FINE, NOW GET OUT AND LET ME DO MY JOB Fine…yeesh, my other self's such a prude OUT OR I'M TELLING THEM WHO YOU REALLY ARE IM GONE! CALM YOUR TITS
*Ahem* Hermione Granger died in the making of this story and in the course of this story. She's still alive 'cause fuck you.
Merry Christmas