subjunctive: They're going to meet Frigga too soon, right? What an awkward moment for Frigga to meet Jane, lol.

Riana1: I do want the awkward family dinner- I really want the awkward family dinner, specially where Frigga describes the horrible cuteness of Loki and Thor's childhood to Jane and Darcy, including Loki's horse crazy phase when he was like six and declared himself Sleipnir's mama and Thor dressed up in his mother's clothes.

helikesitheymikey: somebody finally trying to see why on earth Darcy and Thor haven't become friends with sexual benefits

Wherein Darcy sells Thor out. (Humor/Family. PG.)

Darcy did not see this one coming.

Okay, she didn't see most of this coming. Yeah, she'd wanted to visit Asgard and all that good stuff — best spring break ever! — but, to be honest, in the back of her mind she'd felt like afterwards they would return to the way things were. Go back to New Mexico and the lab, Thor sleeping on the roof, Loki and Jane knocking boots at all hours of the day, and she, Darcy, taking care of them like the lovable if slightly stupid puppies they all were. Maybe everyone else had been varying levels of restless/homesick, but she'd been happy.

Here at the other end of the universe, with their way home shattered into a million colorful pieces, it gets more and more obvious every hour that those months in Puente Antiguo never had a chance of lasting.

But dwelling on stuff that can't be changed isn't in Darcy's nature. She's still got her friends, even though two-thirds of them are literal gods now. And Asgard is cool. So, like always, she's rolling with the punches.

Even at the weirdest family dinners ever. "Darcy Lewis," says Frigga, an actual queen of an actual planet, "Midgardian customs have evolved since the Aesir last regularly visited, so tell me: is 'bestie' a modern term for 'consort'?"

Thor chokes.

Jane blushes.

Loki facepalms.

Yup. Didn't see it coming.

She takes a swig of beer before she answers. Thor was right — this stuff beats the hell out of Budweiser. "Nah," she says. "'Bestie' is recent slang for 'best friend', except less formal, but not as pervasive as 'BFF', which is often used in a surprisingly unironic sense. The term really evolved for people who were interested in developing a happy medium between the two: i.e., informality combined with a genuine irreverent approach to the relationship." These fruit-things on her plate are really good. "Whereas consorts, at least in the western cultural tradition, tend to indicate at least some degree of sexual reciprocity. Not so much with besties."

Blank stares.

"Sociolinguistics is part of the political science track," she explains.

"I… you…" Jane's disbelieving expression might be an insult if that stuff didn't roll off Darcy's back. "Why did you apply for an astronomy internship with me again?"

Darcy shrugs. "I'd never been to New Mexico."

Thor just laughs.

Loki, who looks as close to embarrassed as Darcy's ever seen him, mutters to his mother: "Do not waste your time. There's no reason whatsoever to Midgard's vernacular."

"No?" Frigga raises a perfect eyebrow and beams at Loki. "Darcy Lewis seems quite eloquent on the matter."

"My brother," says Thor, "never grew accustomed to having a companion more knowledgable than he." He grins and slaps Loki on the back. "Whereas I adjusted millennia ago. You did wish for us to be equals, did you not?"

A muscle in Loki's jaw twitches. Scratch that — this is as close to embarrassed as Darcy's ever seen him. She'd gloat, but that kind of thing invites major karma; by now her mom would have asked whether they're all using name-brand condoms.

(Jeez, her mom must be so worried.)

Jane clears her throat. "Uh, so—" (oh shit, Jane's going to try and defuse an awkward social situation) "—is Odin — er, I mean, King Odin — is he busy? Or does he not, um… eat?"

Three stony stares.

"Nice one," Darcy mutters.

"What?" Jane whispers back. "I'm helping!"

At the head of the table, Frigga (who's obviously way better at the whole diplomacy thing than Jane is, but then, that's not saying much) manages a delicate smile. "My husband rarely takes time for family meals," she says. "Nor do my sons, for that matter, but I still have a bit of influence over their schedules."

Thor glances across the table. "She said she'd hide my hammer."

Not Mew-mew! "That's cold," Darcy says.

"Indeed. It was coercion, plain and simple."

"The only objectionable part," says Frigga, taking a sip of something that's not beer but looks really good, "is that it requires coercion to meet your new friends."

Jane shoots Loki a suspicious look. "What did she threaten you with?"

Ooh. Good question.

Loki suddenly seems to find the ceiling very interesting. "No threats were necessary," he says calmly. "When my mother requests my presence, I obey."

Thor smirks at that, opens his mouth—

—and Loki twitches his hand—

—and Thor (The Mighty Thor, as Darcy's heard people calling him) is chirping like a cricket. "You were about to say, brother?"

Thor cheeps in fury.

Okay, Darcy's got to admit, that was pretty cool. But she doesn't think it's as cool as Jane does, apparently; she looks like she's about to crawl over the table and stick a flashlight down Thor's throat. "That's amazing," she says. "How did you do that?"

Loki preens, starts to answer—

—and mews like a kitten.

Frigga smiles beatifically at Jane and Darcy. "I taught him," she says. "Though I'm afraid he doesn't always use his gifts as I intended. But then, when Thor first learned to use a sword, he spent most of his days engaging in one-on-one combat with his stuffed bilgesnipe… so I suppose neither of my children have always used their skills for the most noble purposes."

Jane looks like she can't decide whether to change the subject or not. Darcy, however, has never had a problem with indecision. "I bet they did lots of interesting stuff as kids," she says, grinning.

Thor glares at her. Loki makes a sound like a tabby being dipped in a flea bath. And Darcy can't blame them — this is definite best friend betrayal — but come on. How often do you get to hear embarrassing family stories about gods?

It's not like she'll lord it over them.

Probably.

"Oh, indeed," Frigga assures them. "In fact, it's been centuries since I told the story of how Thor once stole my bridal dress and Loki pretended to— if you try to escape before dessert," she says to her sons, who have both stood up so fast their chairs squealed on the stone floor, "I shall leave you both voiceless for a month."

Thor sits down reluctantly, but Loki still looks mutinous. Bad move. "Dude," Darcy tells him (because she still has to look out for their best interests, even when getting privileged childhood info), "you should probably stay. Imagine how bad it would be to meow at Jane when you're—"

"Shut up," Jane hisses. But she's wrinkling her nose, and when she catches Loki's eye there's some kind of silent science-y fuckbuddy communication that happens that they seem to think no one else can see but is obvious as anything. And then Loki slowly sinks back into his chair.

Good thing, too. There was an alley cat outside of Darcy's old apartment who kept going into heat, and the noise was ear-splitting. Given how far Loki and Jane's voices already travel, this would probably be worse.

"Thank you," Frigga says, and Darcy's not exactly sure who's she's saying it to. Might not matter. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes: my bridal gown is kept in a locked vault beyond my second chambers, which was — and is — completely out of bounds to my sons. Nevertheless, one day they decided…"

The next hour? Is awesome.