At 6:15 in the morning I give up any hopes of sleep and climb out of bed to go get a shower. Once I finish my shower and get dress I go down to the kitchen to make some coffee. I have a feeling there won't be enough caffeine in the whole world to help my exhaustion from not sleeping last night. Every time I thought I was going to fall asleep; either I would think of a new question about Clary and I's intimate moment or I would see her green eyes burning into mine.
I am surprised when I find Alec setting at the kitchen table with his pale fingers wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee. It's unusual for him to be up so early in the morning; it's unusual for anyone in this house to be awake and ready to start the day by seven in the morning come to think of it. During the week on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays we are expected to be in the training room by nine; but it being Saturday it is rare for anyone to even be out of their room before nine or ten.
"Jace? Why are you up so early?"
"Funny; I was going to ask you the same thing."
"I have a few things to do this morning. Magnus wants to take me to a concert in the park today and if I don't get my stuff done then I will have to wait till Tuesday."
"What kind of stuff? What concert?"
"Just stupid shit. You know I need to take some gear in for repairs and return a few movies nothing too important. Why are you up already?"
"You still haven't told me what concert you are going to with Magnus."
"To be fair Jace; I asked you why you were up early first and you never answered me."
Christ, he can drive me crazy some days. I roll my eyes at his smug grin and take a sip from my coffee as I decide what to say to him.
"I just couldn't sleep; no big deal. It happens sometimes. So tell me about this date you have with Magnus."
I return his smug grin with one of my own and he laughs loudly and slaps his hand on the table.
"To be perfectly honest with you Jace; I don't have the slightest clue what kind of concert it is. I made the mistake of droning out Magnus's rambling the other night only to have him remind me that we were going to central park today. I couldn't risk him getting pissed at me so I just pretended to be excited about going."
"Are you sure it's even a concert at all? How do you know he isn't dragging you off to some sort of fashion show or craft exhibit?"
Panic spreads across his face as he runs his fingers through his dark hair and I can't help but laugh at him. He stops running his hands through his hair and shakes his head before he narrows his blue eyes at me.
"No I am almost certain that he said the word concert; besides if it were some sort of fashion show he would be taking Izzy not me because he knows I hate that shit."
"Hmm…that's true but it could still be a craft show. You know how much you enjoy looking at handmade baskets Alec; don't even try to deny your love for wicker."
I throw my head back in laughter when he punches my shoulder as he rises from his chair. My laughter tapers off after he leaves me sitting alone in the kitchen and I find my head begin to swirl with questions as the quiet morning surrounds me. I rest my head on my arm as I continue to overthink the events from last night.
"Jace! What on earth are you doing?"
I wipe a stream of drool from the corner of my mouth as I watch Izzy pour cereal into a bowl. Glancing at the clock above her dark hair I am surprised to find that is almost noon.
"Hello? Earth to Jace?"
"Sorry…I must have fell asleep. Are you just getting up?"
"I didn't realize that I was the only one who had a late night last night."
"I didn't even go out last night."
"Oh…then why are you sleeping on the kitchen table?"
"I slept like shit last night…I guess I dozed off. So what did you do last night; let me guess a certain vampire that can walk around in the daylight has something to do with."
"Yes I was out with Simon. I guess we lost track of time; I didn't even get in till almost four this morning. You look like shit by the way."
"Geez thanks; love you to Iz."
"Did you get any sleep at all last night? It sure doesn't look like it."
"You have been spending a lot of time with the blood sucker lately; should I be concerned?"
"Why would you need to be concerned? Why are you so against Simon anyhow?"
"I never said I was against him. As far as me being concerned; well I am your brother. Can't your brother just be concerned for your well-being? Do I need to have a man to man talk with Simon?"
Izzy flips her hair over her shoulder as she scowls at me from across the kitchen. She moves her jaw in anger as she quickly chews her bite of cereal. I smile sweetly at her in attempt to calm her anger down.
"Jace since when are you concerned about my well-being? You have never showed any interest whatsoever in the guys I date. Why all of a sudden do you care?"
"You're joking right? Iz I have always been concerned with your well-being. I never showed any interest in the other guys because none of them ever lasted more than a week or so. You have been spending time with Simon for almost six months now; that's like marriage for you."
"Shut up Jace!"
I can't help the laughter that shakes my body as she shoots flames out of her nose at me. With a loud huff and a stomp of her foot she stalks out of the kitchen leaving me alone. I glance at the clock after what feels like hours only to find that it's just a little after one. I wonder why Clary didn't come down for lunch? I wonder if she came down for breakfast and saw me drooling on the table? I get up off of my chair and stretch my stiff muscles before heading upstairs to find her. Her bedroom door is cracked open by about three inches and when I peek inside I can see her under a mound of blankets; only a small patch of her red hair sticks out from the top of her blanket. Silently I creep into her room and take a seat in her chair that is beside her bed.
Looking around her room; I realize how much she has really made herself at home here at the institute. There are dirty clothes scattered across the dusty floor and she has piles of folded laundry in baskets and piled high on top of her dresser. Two of her dresser drawers are open; revealing nothing inside of them but one stray sock. There are art supplies on almost every surface of her room. Her nightstand is smeared with yellow paint and there are dried blue dots of paint on the floor near her bathroom door. Looking into her bathroom I can see that her messiness takes on a whole new level. There must be a dozen damp towels laying on the floor and her trash can is overflowing with tissues. I lean over in her chair to see toothpaste smeared all over her sink. Her counter is piled with brushes, hair products, and her spilled make-up bag. I can't help but smile at her spilled make-up bag as I remember her and Izzy's twenty minute argument that they had months ago about how important it is for Clary to have the bag full of cosmetics. I continue to smile when I see that most of the make-up is still sealed in the packages; Clary never wears make-up. She doesn't need to wear all that crap; Clary is naturally beautiful.
Her slight movement under her blankets pulls my attention back to her hidden body. Part of me wants to climb under the covers with her and bury my face in her hair as I fall asleep with her head on my chest. Part of me wants to bolt from the room as I am reminded of her swift exit from my own room last night. Her green eyes have a look of surprise in them when she lowers her blanket and sees me sitting in her chair.
"Hi…" I whisper with caution.
"What are you doing in my room?"
Her voice is clear and stern as she looks at me. I feel my stomach roll as her green eyes narrow at the sight of my intrusion in her room.
"I-I'm sorry…I just wanted to see how you are. You left in such a hurry last night and it's after one; you haven't left your room all day."
"It's Saturday; can't a person just enjoy a lazy day once in a while?" She snaps.
"Clary? Did I do something wrong? Are you angry with me?"
"Don't be ridiculous Jace."
I am careful with my tone when I speak to her again. She keeps snapping at me and my normal reaction would be to snap back; but I don't want to do that to her. The words that come out of my mouth are soft.
"You seem very upset; angry almost…if I did something you can tell me…"
"Geez shut up Jace! Not everything is about you all the time you know? Look I'm sorry for being short with you but I just wanted to have a nice relaxing day so if you wouldn't mind leaving so I can get back to my lazy day I would really appreciate it."
Her words drip with spite and sarcasm as she stares up at her ceiling. What the fuck is going on? She is pissed yet she refuses to admit that fact and she refuses to talk to me about what is bothering her.
"Are you having regrets about what we did?" I whisper; my words are heavy with disappointment and fear.
"No…I don't know…maybe…can you just go okay?" She softly whispers and I think I can hear my own heart shatter into a million pieces at her confession.
"Tell me what you're thinking Clary…we should talk about this…we should talk about why you feel this way…"
"I don't want to talk to you…it's a lot to think about and a lot to process…I can't think and I can't process with you running your mouth at me constantly." She snaps.
"So I should just fucking leave you alone? Just leave you here to hide under your fucking blankets?" I snap back.
"Get out!" She screams as she whips her TV remote at me. It bounces off of my chest and falls to the floor with a loud crack. I jump up out of her chair and without thought; I pick up her remote and wail it hard and fast against her wall and watch as it shatters into pieces. In four hurried strides of my long legs I am standing in her doorway with my back to her. My hurtful words escape my mouth before I can stop them.
"Guess what Clary? You're not the only one who regrets what happened last night." I snap.
I forcefully slam her bedroom door and sprint down the hall towards my room when I hear the ding of the elevator. I manage to slip into my room and shut the door before Izzy can start blathering to me. Pain and rage fills my body so overwhelmingly that I start to trash my bedroom in a fit of insanity. Ten minutes later I am sitting in the doorway of my bathroom and stare at the mess I have created as blood drips off of my hand. Every one of my dresser drawers is on my floor and my clothes are in piles; half of my drawers are smashed to pieces. My mirror above my dresser is smashed and there is broken glass all over the floor. Every one of my normally neatly stacked books are scattered across my floor. The curtains to both of my windows are torn from their rods. My bed is stripped down to the bare mattress and my lamps is knocked over and broken as a pillow lays on top of it. Fuck! Looking around my room I realize it's going to take me half a day to clean this mess and another half a day to come up with some excuse to convince Alec that he needs to help me drag a new dresser into my room.
I don't want to clean this mess right now; and I don't want to figure out what to tell Alec. My fucking hand is bleeding much more than I thought it was. There is a small puddle of my blood on the floor and my hand is completely gloved with blood. I drag myself off of the floor and turn the sink on to rinse my hand off. Each one of my knuckles is cracked open and there is a deep cut above my index finger that continues to stream blood at an alarming rate. I should go find my Stele and fix my wound but I decide to just wrap a towel around my hand so I can get the fuck away from this mess for a while. I quickly walk down the back hall so that I can exit the institute from the backside without anyone seeing me.
Twenty minutes later I am sitting on a bench watching the Saturday afternoon traffic as I listen to my Ipod. I keep switching the song trying to find something that fits my mood. The problem with that is; I'm not really sure what kind of mood I am even in. I have never done something so violent and destructive like that before; with the exception of killing demons. As I sit there thinking about the look on Clary's face when she threw her remote at me; my true emotions begin to sink heavily into my chest. I have come to the conclusion that my violent outburst was cause by the hurt that she inflicted on me and by the anger that filled me after I so stupidly said those hurtful words to her before I left her room.
This burning ache in my chest won't go away no matter how hard I try to get lost in my music. Giving up on trying to calm my wild nerves; I rise from the bench and begin to run down the sidewalk. My long legs pump fast as the loud music blares into my eardrums. I have both of my Pop Evil albums on shuffle and find that it's the perfect music to listen to as I run. When the song Purple comes on I quickly switch it to the next song; normally I enjoy hearing that song but not today, not with my dark mood. I stop running when I realize I have no fucking clue where I am at. Looking around I see boarded up shop windows and broken street lamps. Shit only I would run blindly into the slums of New York without any sort of weapon on me. I check the time on my Ipod and am shocked when I see that it is nearly six at night. What time did I leave the institute? How long did I sit on that bench? How fucking long have I been running? My entire body is soaked in sweat and exhaustion fills my body in waves. I shake the sweaty hair out of my eyes as I turn around and walk quickly back in the opposite direction I was running. Hopefully I will find something I can recognize before the setting sun dips too low over this shitty part of town. You see because the bad things; they come out at night. By six forty-five the sun is almost completely down and I am no closer to being anywhere that I recognize. Panic is beginning to creep up my spine and I swear I keep seeing shit move out of the corner of my eye.
I wish I had weapon on me; a weapon would probably calm my nerves. Fuck why didn't I at least grab my phone? I could use it to call Alec or at the very least use it to look at a map and see where the hell I'm at. Walking past a dumped trash can I can see a long piece of metal sticking out of the side of it; after a few twist and a hard jerk I now have a make-shift weapon in my hands. Having this piece of green metal in my hands makes me feel more at ease as I continue to walk down the eerily empty sidewalk. Of course that trash can had to be green didn't it? Couldn't have been any other fucking color on the earth? No it had to be green.
Somehow I managed to not think about Clary the entire time while I ran through the streets of New York. Holding this green piece of metal makes thoughts of her fill my head and I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach. A few minutes later I round a corner and relief washes over me when I recognize a small leather shop that sits beside one of the many tattoo joints in our city. The last time I was in this part of town was close to a year ago when I was looking for a new leather Jacket. That leather shop that I see across the street is the same shop that I bought it from. Damn it now I am thinking about Clary again; only I find myself chuckling at this particular thought. I had only had my new leather jacket for about six months when we were on patrol one night. There was an unexpected late spring frost creeping up on us as the four of us walked through the park late one night. I noticed that Clary had her arms crossed over her chest as her small body shivered from the cold. Izzy was grumbling at Alec for even allowing Clary to come with us because she hadn't had enough training to be on patrol yet. I was the one who put up the fight to allow Clary to come with us. True she didn't really have all that much training at the time but she is always so alert; often spotting things before any of the rest of us do. As far as protection goes I can manage to protect her and fight off whatever comes my way. So there she is with nothing more than a light jacket on and she is shivering. Feeling bad I hand her my jacket and just nod my head at her when she sweetly says thank you.
Not ten minutes after I give her my leather jacket a swarm of demons come out of nowhere and between fighting them off and covering every move Clary makes I have no fucking clue how the long rip got down the back of my jacket. At the time I barely knew this green eyed girl and I ended up yelling at her for ruining my jacket. I felt bad about it later and I think I apologized ten times for my harsh words but she insisted that I had every right to be upset with her. She kept insisting that I allow her to either buy me a new jacket or at least give me the money that I had spent on it but I was stubborn and refused either offer. Alec surprised me when he bought me almost the exact same jacket for my birthday last month. As much as I tell myself that I would never lend Clary this new jacket I find myself laughing at my own lie. The truth is; if she was cold I would gladly give her my jacket even if she managed to rip it to shreds. I would give her the shirt off my back; I would give her anything she wanted from me. I would do anything for that little red head. Damn it why can't I get her out of my head? Why can't the constant stream of questions stop swirling in my mind?
It's almost ten at night by the time I climb the steps of the institute. Fuck am I tired! I can't wait to take a hot shower and collapse on my bed. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I just remembered that my bedroom is trashed. Even if I waited until tomorrow to clean the mess I still have to put all the sheets and blankets on my bed. When I step off of the elevator I can see my bedroom door wide open and the light is on. I know for a fact that I shut my door. I always shut my door; I don't like people seeing in my room let alone actually stepping foot in there. Panic fills my body when I realize Clary must be in my room. Fuck what is she going to say about that mess? All my questions go out the window when I see Alec scrubbing my blood off of the floor. Almost everything that was on my floor is now cleaned up. My bed is neatly made and the three broken drawers are stacked into a pile near my door.
"Alec…" I whisper shyly.
"What happened in here Jace? Since when do you trash your room?"
"Why did you come in here? No one was supposed to see this mess; no one was supposed to know that I did this."
"Let me see how bad your hand is."
I look at his blue eyes in confusion as he pulls my hand up for inspection and I remember that I cut it open when I repeatedly punched my mirror.
"Where is your stele? I left mine in my room."
I pull my hand from his grip and shake my head at him.
"Don't worry about it; I'm fine. I can fix it later. Right now I just want to take shower and go to bed; I'm fucking beat."
"What happened Jace?"
"Why did you come in my room?" I challenge back.
"I was putting towels in your bathroom. Imagine my surprise when I saw the mess in here. Imagine my concern when I find your blood on the floor and all over the sink and you nowhere to be found. When I called your phone it began to ring from under a heap of your bed sheets. What happened Jace?"
"Alec…" I groan.
"Okay you win Jace. If you don't want to talk about it I understand but just know that I am here for you if you need to talk."
"I know…I'm sorry about the mess; you didn't have to clean it up I would have done it. Thank you Alec. Thank you for cleaning and thank you for being so understanding."
"Goodnight Jace."
Alec shuts my bedroom door before I can tell him goodnight. I just stand there staring at my closed bedroom door for what feels like hours before I walk into my bathroom and take a shower. I wipe the steam off of my bathroom mirror and look at my reflection. I have dark circles under my eyes and I could use a shave. Not caring about shaving my face I quickly brush my teeth before crawling under my blankets. My stomach growls and I remember that I haven't eaten anything today. I'm too tired to care about food right now and roll over to bury my face into my pillow. Oh Christ I can smell her on my pillow case. I jump out of bed and flip on my bedroom light before I turn the cover back on my bed. Fuck! There it is; evidence of Clary's lost virginity stains my white sheets and I feel my stomach roll at the thought of Alec putting those sheets back on my bed. Did he see the blood? Does he know that the blood belongs to Clary? Maybe he didn't even notice it; surely he would have questioned it if he did right? I should change my sheet but I'm just too whooped to even care about it right now. Shutting off my light I flop onto my bed once again and deliberately breathe in her scent from my pillow case.
As tired as I am I find my eyes wide open as I stare at my ceiling. I grab my Ipod and shove my earbud into my ears and blast my eardrums with music in attempt to clear my head of her green eyes. I'm so pathetic; even as I try not to think about her I absently continue to smell my pillow case; breathing in her scent over and over again. I fight the urge to scream at the top of my lungs. Fuck why can't I just stop thinking about her? Why can't I just fall asleep already? I start to sing along with the music that blares in my ears; after a few songs I can feel how slurred my singing is from being tired. Before I can change my mind I switch the music to my slow mix and begin to sing along with some of the saddest fucking songs I have ever heard before. I have listens to this playlist enough times that I know every word to every song yet it's as though I am hearing them for the first time. Son of a bitch I can feel a lump in my throat and my chest is tight and I'll be damn if my eyes don't feel moist as I continue to sing along with this sappy music.
The late morning sun hurts my eyes and I close them quickly and roll over to bury my face into my pillow to smell her one last time before crawling out of bed. I finished putting new sheet on my bed and after I put my blankets and pillows on it I gather up the dirty sheets from the floor. Just before I open my bedroom door; I find myself smelling each one of my four pillow case for the one that smells like her hair. After I find the right one I quickly tuck in under my pillow and head for the laundry room. Of course I would find Alec in here folding clothes.
"Good morning. Did you manage to get some sleep last night?"
"Morning Alec…yeah I got some sleep."
"I'm sorry I didn't put clean sheets on your bed last night; I didn't even see the blood until I pulled your blanket onto your mattress. I figured it was no big deal though."
"Nope…not a big deal at all. Thanks again for doing all that for me Alec."
"You're welcome…do you still not want to talk about what happened?"
"No."
His blue eyes are warm but I can still see the look of sadness in them as he looks at me. I know it must hurt him that I don't want to talk to him about what happened. I usually tell him everything but I just can't talk to him about this; at least not right now I can't. I can see that he has about a million questions that he wants to ask me about yesterday and I can't help but smile at him when his mouth respectfully remains closed. I surprise him when I walk over and pull him in for a hug. At first his arms are stiff at his sides but when I bury my face into his neck I feel him hug me back. I continue to hug my best friend tightly as I fight the urge to cry on his shoulder and confess all of my sins to him. When he awkwardly strokes my back in attempt to comfort me I can't help but chuckle at him. I pull away from our embrace and hold him by his shoulders at arm's length as I look into his blue eyes.
"I love you Alec."
"Christ! Are you dying? Is it cancer? Do you have cancer Jace?"
"By the Angel Alec! No I'm not dying; I'm fine. Can't I tell my best friend, my brother, my fucking paribitai that I love him without him freaking out and thinking the worse?"
"You don't say that. The Jace I know never ever says those words; at least not with sincerity. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Maybe you're right…I don't say those words…but it doesn't mean I don't feel that way. I do love you Alec."
"I love you too Jace; you know I do. Please talk to me or at least tell me that I don't have to worry about you."
"You don't have to worry about me Alec; I'm fine."
"You're a liar. Nothing about what you did yesterday and nothing about the look on your face tells me you are fine. Did you forget that I can feel you Jace? Something feels wrong. What you did to your room…Jace…it scared me…I'm worried about you."
"Alec…I'm fff….not fine…I'm not fine but I still don't want to talk about it okay? Please don't take it personal that I don't want to talk to you about this. Give me some time to figure it all out and time to process it before I talk to you okay?"
"Are you planning on trashing your room like that again?"
"No…at least I don't think so anyhow." I whisper.
"That's not very reassuring Jace."
"I know…look I promise I will do my best not to do something like that again but I'm not exactly sure I can actually promise not to do it again."
"Why haven't you fixed your hand yet?"
"Maybe I deserve to heal slowly…" I whisper.
"Oh…"
"Did you have breakfast yet? I'm starving and was thinking of going to Taki's; do you want to go along?"
"I did eat breakfast but it's almost lunch time now so sure I will go along. Should I see if the girls want to tag along?"
"NO!"
Shit, his blue eyes narrow at my insistent response.
"Sorry about that…the truth is I have a pounding headache and I'm really not in the mood to hear Izzy's blathering about how much she likes to have Simons tongue in her mouth. Let's just have a boy's day okay Alec?"
"You had to talk about someone's tongue being in my sister's mouth didn't you? I don't know if I can stomach food now that I have that mental image in my head."
"She's my sister too; I am just as grossed out by it as you are."
"Let's go eat then."
I am so hungry I can't decide what I want as I flip through my menu at Taki's. I glance up to see Alec smiling at his phone. I reach across the table and snatch it from him and shove it into my pocket before he can grab it back from me.
"Boy's day remember Alec. That means no talking to your boyfriend."
"Why not he's a b…"
His laughter cuts off his words and I can't help but join in with him. The thought of calling an almost eight hundred year old warlock a boy is simply hilarious. We are still laughing when Kailea comes over to take our order.
"You two seem to be having a good time over here; did you know what you wanted or do you still need a few minutes?"
"I'll take an ice water and the grilled chicken salad."
"What kind of dressing do you want on that?"
"Umm…just oil and vinegar on the side please."
"Sure thing. Jace? What can I get you hun?"
"Chocolate milkshake…two Taki burgers…sweet potatoes fries… and can I get a couple of coconut pancakes with lots of honey on them?"
"Geez…hungry much Jace?"
"Shut up Alec. You just worry about your dainty salad that you ordered."
Kailea's laughter at our banter interrupts our arguing.
"Is that everything then? We do have coconut cream pie today Jace; I know that's your favorite."
"Mmm…I'll take a piece of that home with me actually."
Alec grins at me as Kailea walks away to put our order in.
"What are you grinning at?"
"She still wants you Jace."
"Who Kailea? No we are just friends."
"Friends my ass! You used to fuck her; don't bother denying it."
"Never said I didn't fuck her. I did a few times and now we are just friends."
"I don't think she wants to be just friends. I can tell she's still hot for you."
"Of course she is. I'm stunningly attractive and I know how to fuck. Every girl I have ever fucked has begged me for more…"
My own words are cut off when I think about Clary; she hasn't begged me for more. She doesn't want anything to do with me. I quickly dismiss these thoughts because I didn't just fuck Clary; what happened between the two of us was sweet and gentle not hard and fast. I can't help but laugh at my own self when I wonder if that is why she wants nothing to do with me. Maybe I should have fucked her hard and fast; then maybe she would be begging me for more. Shut the fuck up Jace! Don't you dare think those ugly thoughts about that sweet girl. I am so fucking demented.
"Jace! Hello!"
I look up to see Alec's expectant face looking at me.
"Sorry Alec…guess I zoned out for a minute. What did you say?"
"I asked you why you stopped seeing Kailea."
"Oh…you know she just got too clingy…I think she was looking for more than sex."
"Why don't you ever have a girlfriend Jace?"
"Don't have time for all the drama."
"So you what? Just have sex with random girls?"
"Pretty much…don't look at me like that Alec…it's not like I'm not upfront with them. They know sex is all they will ever get out of me. Some of them just think that if I fuck them more than once they can ask for more."
"What a load of bullshit. I have way more responsibilities than you do Jace and I still have time for Magnus."
"Maybe I should see if I can find a gay warlock too."
"You're a dick."
"Never said I wasn't. So tell me about this concert that you and Magnus went to."
Before he can answer me; Kailea starts to place our food in front of us. She is looking at me. Damn it Alec was right she is definitely still hot for me. Christ this is awkward; how the hell can I blow her off without pissing her off? I really like the food here and I could do without pissing of their best waitress.
"Jace I was wondering if you were doing anything on Tuesday afternoon?"
Thank god for Alec.
"Em's coming to visit on Tuesday Jace; or did you forget?"
"No; I remember. I am looking forward to seeing her."
"I know she is super excited to see you."
"Oh…sorry Kailea…" I mumble.
"No! It's fine; I was just wondering if maybe you could come over and help me move my couch. I got a new one and the delivery guys put it in the wrong place."
"I am completely free on Tuesday afternoon Kailea; I'd be happy to come over and move your couch for you."
"Uhhh…yeah sure that would be great. Thanks Alec."
"Anytime."
She stands for a few more seconds before turning to go and check on her other tables and as soon as her back is turned to us I let out the breath that I was holding.
"She doesn't need her couch moved Alec."
"Oh I know…it will be funny when I go over on Tuesday to move a couch that doesn't even need to be moved."
"Thanks for that by the way; I panicked."
"I know; I saw the look on your face."
"I actually did forget that Em was coming on Tuesday."
"I know that too. You're just lucky most people can't read your face as well as I can."
"This is true. I'm actually really excited to see Em. It's been too long since we have hung out. Is she still seeing Sandra?"
"Yeah, they actually moved in together about a month ago."
"No shit?"
"Yes shit!"
"Shut up and eat your salad."
I only eat half of a burger and a couple of my fries and I lose my appetite when I take a bite from my pancakes. Why the hell did I order coconut pancakes anyhow? Those are what Clary always orders when she come here. I realize that I usually end up eating half of her food but having this plate of pancakes in front of me without seeing half of them gone and without seeing her smiling face from across the table as I greedily finish them just isn't the same.
"Are you done eating already? You barely ate anything Jace."
"Guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was."
"Are you sure you're not dying?"
"Alec if you ask me that one more time I am going to stab you with a fork."
"Did you need me to box any of this up for you Jace?"
I look up to see Kailea smiling down at me. Normally I would return her smile but today has just been too messed up.
"Yeah that would be great. Thank you."
"You still want that piece of pie to go as well?"
"Yes please."
I stare out the window as she boxes up our food to avoid making further eye contact with her. Maybe I will go to the pizza joint for a while until she gets over her obsession with me. I don't get it; it's been almost six months since I last fucked her and up until today she has been cool. Why all of a sudden is she taking an interest in me again? Why today of all days? If my head wasn't so fucked up right now I would probably let her give me a blow job in the bathroom. Kailea might not be that good of a fuck but she knows how to give good head. Yeah looks like I'll definitely be eating pizza for a while. Alec pays our bill and I grab my bag of food from the table as we get up to leave. We walk back to the institute in comfortable silence and I decide that maybe I will try to talk to Clary today. Just as I reach the steps something red catches my eye and I look down the street just in time to see her round the corner with Simon. Guess I will have to wait till later to talk to her. I wonder if she will tell Simon about us? He is her best friend; doesn't she tell him everything? Look who's taking; Alec is so much more than my best friend and I still refuse to tell him about what I did with Clary.
"What are you going to do for the rest of the day Alec?"
"I…uh…well I was going to go see Magnus but if you want to hang out I can just see him later."
"No you go on. I was actually thinking about catching up on some reading."
"You sure?"
"Yep."
"Can I have my phone back now Jace?"
I fish his phone out of my pocket and place it in his pale hand.
"Tell Magnus I said hello okay?"
"Will do. I probably won't see you until tomorrow; he wants me to stay over. So I guess I will see you in the training room."
"Nine a. m."
"On the dot. See you tomorrow Jace."
I wave to him as I slide the elevator door shut. I find myself standing in the doorway of her room. I need to get out of here; I need to walk down the hall and go to my own room. My body defies me as I find myself laying across her small bed. Alec told her we could bring her one of the kings size beds like the rest of us have but she insisted that this single sized mattress would be just fine for her. I chuckle at the mental picture of three tiny Clary's laying side by side on this tiny bed without any of them falling off. Christ she is so damn small. I roll over to my side to look at her wall on the far side of her room; she has the entire wall almost completely covered with her artwork. I can't get over how much talent she has. I can't even draw a stick figure without messing it up yet she paints and draws full cities that look like you could almost shrink down in size and walk the streets. My eyes land on a painting of a tree. Only I am not looking at the tree; I am looking at the blond hair that peaks out from behind the tree. I roll off her bed and walk across the room to carefully lift up the painting of the tree. There I am; drawn on a piece of paper with so much detail it looks like a photograph. I am in full gear and my face is smeared with dirt. My eyebrows are scrunched together and I have a wicked grin on my face as my sword slices a demon in half.
Is this what I look like when I am killing a demon? Before I can debate whether or not that's true something red on the drawing catches my eye. Looking close I can see that she has drawn herself standing behind me. Only a light spray of her hair is showing from the side of my arm. I can see that she has drawn one of her tiny hands; it grips my waist and I can see one of her thin legs between my long legs. With further inspection I can see that she has my other hand drawn as though I am hold her behind my back as I use my other hand to kill the demon that threatens her. It takes everything in me not to take this drawing off of her wall and shove it in my pocket. I want this drawing so bad that I quickly step away from it so I don't actually rip it off her wall. That single drawing is how I always see myself with Clary. Always keeping her behind me; always keeping her close; always protecting her.
I decide its best I get the hell out of her room all together yet that doesn't stop me from flopping on her bed once again. I bury my face into her pillow and breathe in her scent.
"What are you doing in here!?"
Her shrieking voice jolts me awake and I almost fall off of her bed. I vigorously rub the sleep out of my eyes as I sit up.
"I wanted to talk to you but you weren't here." I mumble.
"So you deiced that it would be a good idea to just take a nap? You drooled on my pillow!"
"Why are you yelling?" I shout back at her.
"Get out of my room Jace…" She whispers.
I don't know what to say to her sad request for me to leave her room. She sounded tired when she whispered those words. Not just tired from lack of sleep but tired of looking at me; tired of having to tell me to leave her alone. That's fine; if she want to be left alone then I will do just that. I stock out of her room without so much as a backwards glance in her direction.